adult life is truly just thinking “I NEED TO CLEAN” while dealing with the 17 other things that have a hard deadline

girl are you a medieval executioner bc you are torturing me with your rack

@mashedtatersandgravy

They should invent a job that i actually want to do

I come from a long line of people with something wrong with them

there are places in the world today that are experiencing 40°C for the first time in recorded history. of course there's no way to know whether chucking billionaires into volcanos will appease the sun god but i feel we're doing the scientific method a disservice if we don't at least try

i think 'I trust you with my life but not your own' as a trope is one of the ones that can always fuck me up no matter what

can things stop happening for a while? in general

god didn't give me a dick because he knew I'd get hard when I heard a rich choral harmony

opened my wip and didnt immediately write a thousand new beautiful and perfect words so i'm going to smash my laptop with a hammer

Tip: You can replace therapy with fifteen hour of unrealistic romantic fantasies daily. But watch out.

going over to my minimalist girlfriend’s house and she apologizes profusely for the mess and there’s just a single perfect, fresh pea on the floor of her living room

Blue Lois

can i help you

Red Marge

jesus christ. I Am Under Fucking Attack

World Heritage Post

i deserve a medal for this post. not because i was particularly funny but because i survived an onslaught of nearly one hundred gimmick blogs in the wake of this post popping off, and the fact that i didn’t try to track any of them down and snuff them out with my bare hands is a testament to my immeasurable strength and should be rewarded. at one point i had “the official letter h” add on to this post. you wanna know that blog’s gimmick? the really funny and original and worthwhile gimmick the official letter h blog had? yep you guessed it they just gave me the god damned letter H and then fucked off. only jesus knows the suffering i endured over that harsh winter, and he wept for me

being an adult is always like i have to go to the store i have to go to the store i have to go to the store