yr friends luv u jamie

Jack fell asleep easily, arms wrapped around Robby, clinging to his back. Usually, on days like these, Robby would extract himself from Jack's arms before Jack woke up, leaving him to catch a few more hours.

Today, however, when Jack woke up he found Robby still in bed next to him. It was early afternoon by now, Robby should've been awake and at it by 10 at the latest. He was never one to sleep in so heavily.

Jack sat up in bed, rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and looked over at Robby. His eyes were open, staring straight through the wall he faced, and his body was shaking slightly. He was still curled on his side, one of his hands had come up near his head and his fingers were tangled in his hair with a strength that worried Jack.

"Mikey?" Jack asked softly, rubbing Robby's arm gently. "It's pretty late dear, don't you want to get out of bed?"

Robby didn't respond. It didn't even seem like he'd heard Jack. His eyes were fixed ahead of him, his fingers locked in his hair, and he didn't so much as twitch at Jack's voice.

"Mikey? Baby, are you all right?" Jack asked, he was beginning to worry. He had never seen Robby like this. Not in their years of working together or their handful of months dating. He was wracking his mind for what could be happening. Had Robby taken something? Had something happened he hadn't told Jack about?

Jack was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of Robby's voice, "No no no, we can't, we can't do that," he sounded panicked. No, that wasn't quite right, he sounded pained. Like he was fighting against the words leaving his mouth, like they burned his throat to speak.

"Shit," Jack thought to himself, Robby was having what seemed to be a.... flashback? That couldn't be right. He'd known Robby for years, been best friends for ages before dating, he would've know if Robby was dealing with something like that.... right?

Jack was panicking now. He knew how to get himself through something like this. Had clawed himself out of the deep end of trauma and grief more than once before. If he was at his house he would have everything he needed to try to ground Robby. But they weren't at Jack's home. They were at Robby's. And something told Jack Robby wasn't prepared for this.

Jack was thankful he'd started keeping backup crutches and a wheelchair at Robby's place a few years ago. He grabbed his crutches and made it down the hall to the office where his chair was. He went to the kitchen and filled a small bowl with ice and grabbed a small towel.

When he was back in the bedroom he got back onto the bed. Robby hadn't moved an inch, but his breathing had become more rapid, more concerning. Jack gently rolled Robby onto his back--trying not to let his heart break at the way Robby flinched away from his touch-- grabbed an ice cube, and placed it into Robby's free hand, closing his fingers around the cube. Jack kept Robby's hand cradled in his own.

"Hi Mikey, it's September 5th, 2026. We're at home, in your condo. You're safe, you're with Jack," Jack said. Repeating himself gently and slowly. Robby's eyes eventually softened, his breathing slowed, the hand in his hair loosened. "It's September 5th, 2026. We're at home-"

"Jack?" Robby said, voice rough and wary. He didn't move to sit up, just turned his head to look at Jack, his eyes still a bit far off.

"Yeah, baby, it's me. You're safe. We're at home," Jack said, rubbing Robby's arm soothingly.

"What- what time is it?" he sounded scared.

"About 2:30 in the afternoon, dear," Jack said, trying to keep his tone neutral.

"M' hand is cold," Robby said, Jack wasn't sure if he was ignoring what he'd said or if he hadn't processed it.

Jack turned to grab the towel he'd brought in, uncurling Robby's fingers to dry his palm, "I gave you ice, dear," Jack explained.

Robby hummed, shifting his body to try to sit more upright. He still seemed a bit out of it, Jack didn't want to rush him or scare him.

"Do you want something to eat, Mikey?" Jack asked gently.

"Mmm, yeah," Robby said, brows furrowed as though he was just now realizing he was hungry. "Please?"

"Of course, baby, of course," Jack said, an encouraging smile on his lips. "C'mon, let's go to the kitchen."

"How about a sandwich?" Jack asked as he looked through the fridge, it was pretty sparse and Jack figured quicker was better right now.

Robby gave an affirmative hum from where he stood behind Jack, he still wasn't all the way there as far as Jack could tell.

"Why don't you go wait in the living room? I'll bring the food to you when it's ready," Jack suggested gently, holding Robby's hand as he spoke, trying his best to ground him.

Robby nodded and made his way to the couch.

As Jack made them both sandwiches he began to wrack his brain for memories of Robby. Trying to find signs he'd clearly missed. He'd known Adamson's death had been hard for Robby, it was hard for everyone in the ED at the time. But if what he was witnessing today was a result of that grief, then Jack had grossly misjudged the extent of Robby's pain. Adamson had been a supervisor, a boss, a mentor. He'd been important, no one doubted that, but Robby's behavior today made Jack suspect this loss was foundational. Foundational the way the trauma of deployment was, foundational like the loss of his wife was. Foundational in that way that made "normal life" impossible to truly return to.

Jack had talked about his flashbacks with Robby, told him what usually helped if he was stuck in one, trusted Robby to take care of him in those moments. And Robby had, he'd listened and understood and been there for Jack. Why hadn't Robby told Jack he knew that pain the same way? Where had Jack failed to be a site of trust for Robby?

Jack wheeled into the living room, sandwiches on a shared plate on his lap. Robby was curled into the corner of the couch, knees brought up to his chest, and he was breathing quickly. Too quickly.

Jack immediately put the food down on the coffee table and sat on the couch next to him. "Mikey, you're safe. It's September 5th, 2026. We're at home."

Robby looked up at Jack, his face twisted with anguish.

"Hey, can you try to breathe with me? In for 4," Jack inhaled exaggeratedly, holding it for a few seconds, "Out for 4," he breathed out loudly, hoping Robby would be able to follow.

Jack continued box breathing while holding eye contact with Robby until, eventually, Robby caught on. He inhaled shakily, exhaled with effort, Jack's eyes lit up. "Just like that," he smiled, continuing to breathe, now in sync with Robby.

"Sorry," was the first word Jack got from Robby after his second episode. It came out raw and vulnerable.

"Hey, nothing to apologize for," Jack said, tilting his head to find Robby's eyes again. "Nothing at all. I'm here, I got us food, you're safe. Nothing to say sorry for."

Robby nodded hesitantly, "Oh- okay."

Jack gave him a small smile, "Food now?"

Robby nodded more emphatically this time, reaching for one of the sandwiches on the plate. Jack let them eat in silence, not wanting to push Robby too hard too soon. He was still worried, though. How could he not be?

When they both finished eating, Robby stayed quiet. His body shaking slightly, rocking himself in place, hand at his neck trying to self soothe.

"Mikey?" Jack asked when he noticed Robby's movements.

Robby's eyes shot up to Jack's, they were red rimmed and watery, "Yeah?"

"Can I hold you? Is it okay to touch?"

"You- you don't have to," Robby replied quickly, too quickly.

"If I want to?" Jack offered.

Robby nodded, head jerking, lips pressed closed like he didn't trust himself with words right now.

"C'mere, Mikey," Jack said, arms open and welcoming. He propped himself up in the corner of the couch, legs spread to let Robby lay between them. Once Robby had laid down, his back to Jack's chest, Jack wrapped his arms around Robby, and leaned down to kiss his head.

They stayed like that for a while, existing in the quiet of the living room and their day off. At some point Robby shifted slightly, pressing his ear to Jack's chest, right over his heartbeat. Jack mindlessly caressed Robby's arm, rubbing up and down in a soothing pattern.

"Jack?" Robby spoke up after a long while.

"Yes, dear?" Jack replied, voice calm and neutral, unsure of what would come next.

"You didn't have to today," his voice was quiet, something raw and vulnerable.

"Course I did, I love you," Jack responded without hesitation.

"I can- I've managed before," Robby said, head shaking.

"Hey, look at me, Mikey," Jack said, guiding Robby to sit up. "I didn't know it was this hard, and I don't always know how to help, but I want to be here. Please don't shut me out, not anymore."

Robby's eyes filled with tears, he ducked his head down, eyes hiding from Jack. "Shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't- I should be over it."

Jack felt his heart shatter in two, "Michael, look at me, please," he ducked his head, chasing Robby's eyes. "Should I be over my wife?"

Robby's eyes went wide, "What? No. No of course not, Jack."

"Then why should you be over Adamson? Why should you move on?" Jack asked, his voice earnest and insistent.

"It's different. It's- I- I don't even-," Robby tried to find the words, Jack gave him the space. He shook his head before speaking again, "I lost my mom and it doesn't hurt this much," he settled on.

Jack was taken aback, Robby had never really talked much about his family. He'd inferred, of course, knowing Robby grew up with his bubbe, but hearing it out loud made it real. "There's no rules for grief, Mikey. Your grief isn't wrong."

Robby shook his head, tears falling silently down his face, "Everyone else moved on. And- And I couldn't. I broke and I.... I never came back together."

"You've done amazing things in the past 5 years, Michael. Maybe you didn't come back together the same way, maybe none of us ever do, but you're still here and that's what matters," Jack said.

"You stayed," Robby rasped out.

"I did," Jack agreed. "And I always will. You can't scare me away that easily."

"No one else ever stayed," Robby said next, quieter, softer, more scared.

"Let me be the first," Jack urged, "Will you let me stay?"

"I- I can try," Robby said after a few moments of silence, his eyes finally coming back to Jack's.