fall in love again and again...
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fall in love again and again...
please do not repost without crediting me. find me on instagram, twitter, and tiktok. you can also support me by subscribing to my patreon newsletter.

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what is crucial to remember about shane’s socks is that those babies were a fucking statement in the mid 2010s bc we were all wearing the tiniest ankle socks known to man. like you did not want your socks to show in your low cut vans. those ankles were freezing even in winter. meanwhile shane was out there full sock on display reverse victorian maiden style
anyways i think shane was an incredibly colicky baby and it stressed his parents to death because it didn’t even have a cause most of the time, and the more upset he got the more upset yuna would get, because he’s making her feel like a terrible mother, like she’s failing him in this really essential way, like she’s unable to do this thing that is supposed to be innate, and she knows she has trouble connecting emotionally but she always thought that it would be different with her own baby, and shane and her just work each other up more and more.
and she thinks maybe it’ll get better once shane gets older, once he learns to talk, but then he’s 2 and he’s still not talking, and he’s having tantrums that come out of nowhere and don’t have a common underlying trigger, and the ONLY thing shane likes is sprinting around the house at top speeds (he's in a toddler helmet for sure) or being swaddled and rocked, and he keeps hitting all the other toddlers at playgroup and yuna is LOSING IT and she KNOWS everybody is looking sideways at her and the pediatrician mentions getting him evaluated and she finds a new pediatrician because she isn’t a failure, she ISN’T.
and then when shane is 3 the lake by their cottage freezes over that winter and they put a pair of baby skates on him and then in about 30 seconds flat shane is halfway across the damn lake and yuna nearly gets a concussion trying to catch him. and then he comes inside and eats his carrot sticks without fussing and watches blues clues and takes a nap on her lap. and yuna is sitting there watching blues clues on silent and crying into her hand to stay quiet because holy shit. holy shit.
shane hollander would hate being a gay icon actually
mmmmm yeah. just another element of tokenization to stack on top. now he's gotta be Palatable Gay. now he's gotta be Corporate Gay. now he's gotta be sexless, above all blame & reproach. pulling double model minority duty. he's gotta work even harder to ignore it every time he gets a "pretty boy" or a "twinkle toes" on the ice or in the locker room because it's said in a different tone of voice, now. they really mean it, now, in an ugly way that makes him feel kind of sick if he thinks about it too hard. overnight he becomes hockey's token twink and he's gotta live every day knowing that the whole hockey internet sphere thinks (knows) he's a bottom. that everybody thinks (knows) he's less of a man. in some ways he's not even really a man at all anymore in the eyes of the public. special edition Pride Tape, by Shane Hollander. every june billboards up everywhere with some bullshit tagline like I'm true to myself, in #mycalvins. featuring Shane Hollander. is reebok an ally? is rolex his friend? does anything he's doing matter at all to queer youth? or are they just saying that to try and make him feel better? is he making a difference? should he actually be trying to make a difference? was it worth it? will it ever get easier? is it ever going to be worth it? is it too late to take it back? is it too late to hide again, to be perfect again, to give perfect polite press-ready answers in perfect polite fucking french and keep this for himself, just this one fucking thing, all to himself? because every day it skins him raw. every day he exhausts himself by worrying about optics. Gatorade's Pride Month campaign featuring Shane Hollander and the ad is just another faceless man pouring Gatorade into Shane's mouth because that's what he does now. it's all tongue-in-cheek now. i'm gay, remember? don't forget. every four weeks a mic'ed up scandal where another player calls him a slur and it goes mega viral and shane has to keep his head down and say "yeah i didn't really think about it much at the time it's all good" and pretend it doesn't kill him to know just how personal and how deep their hatred is. but he can't get mad. he can't throw gloves. he can't get violent. he can't get revenge. because he's a good boy, he's shane fucking hollander and he never fights. he just shows up and plays his hockey and smiles for the cameras and nothing ever gets to him and nothing ever throws him off his game. a million jokes about stick handling. a million jokes about stooping at center ice for face off. a million jokes about spitting and stretching and simply just sitting there on the bench doing nothing at all. it's never forgotten. it's never switched off. and he never asked for any of this at all. all he did was fall in love. and now it's a job. now it's a duty. now it's a marketing shtick. now it's a mantle around his shoulders and a millstone around his neck and it exhausts him. it's always been exhausting to just be himself but now it's even worse. and he never wanted to make a difference anyway, he just wanted to play hockey. homoerotic Speedo commercials playing on big screens at malls. starring Shane Hollander. and every night he goes home to his husband and he hates himself for feeling like maybe it wasn't worth it. if he could've kept this thing for himself, maybe he would've. but he knows it would've killed him, would've made him miserable for the rest of his life, to hide and to lie. and he knows this was always one game he was never going to win. NHL's pride night exclusive rink-side interview. starring Shane Hollander. what's it like being out? what's it like being an openly gay player? it's awesome. it's great. he doesn't really think about it too much. he's just here to play hockey.
fuck it.

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Hello may I ask what the Monaco fic is please :)
a winner at heart by @ellisonwongparty !! ft. depressed ilya, anxious shane, SSRI-induced ED, doing molly in monaco, the humiliation of ottawa losing, sex as metaphor for hockey as metaphor for sex
ilya being rachel reid’s lestat is like okay obviously. and shane springing castiel-like into the narrative bc she already gave scott a barista love interest is like okay i see what she’s done here. bottom pov romance because shane is a self-insert because rachel wants to fuck lestat, of course. we get it. AND THEN. the thing is is that jacob tierney is a gay man and he does not (necessarily?) need to bottom self insert. and therefore, suddenly, shane is so real. like that post about rachel having ilya say in the book that shane came “untouched” (fanfiction language) and jacob having him say “hands free” (gay porn language) like the show is an act of translation and in that act jacob AND HUDSON. created a shane that is so real. he is #ourshane forever
I know we’ve talked about this before but the retroactive realization for Shane Hollander that Ilya has been his future husband the entire time must have sent that boy spinning. What do you mean I introduced myself to my future husband. What do you mean my husband was there standing beside me the day I got drafted. What do you mean I jerked off to thoughts of my husband on the most important day of my entire life up to then. What do you mean my husband took my virginity. My husband and I watched each other grow up. My husband and I fell in love for the first time together. My husband was my first ex. My husband has been the most consistent, sensual, irritating, understanding, solid, loving presence in my entire life. Since I became a man, the thoughts I have reached for to comfort myself or bring myself pleasure have been those of my husband. I memorized the moles on my future husband’s body before I fully understood the wants and needs of my own. My husband taught me how to pleasure a man by pleasuring me. The first person I willingly came out to was my husband. My friends have NEVER known me at a time in my life when I was not in love with my husband.
Canada, Hockey, Masculinity, Race, and Belonging
pregnant shane but ilya gets all the symptoms

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there is valuable criticism being moved towards heated rivalry as a homonationalist fantasy where fulfilment in a gay relationship between characters of asian background can only be achieved through assimilation in the warm embrace of north-american values but the way this kind of comments in fandom are repeatedly used as grandstanding to showcase moral purity in refusing to engage deeply with some work is so grating and counterproductive to me. i just feel there's some profound intellectual laziness at play in using the mirage of perfect representation to avoid doing the dirty work of creating your own opinions when the answers you want are not served to you with a pretty bow on top in extremely didactic points. there are actually interesting conversations to have about the role of race in the show/books despite the very flawed handling of the topic that are not being addressed, i feel, partly because the very concept of exploring a story that depicts racialised people as pursuing a project of assimilation is seen as distasteful rather than just its execution, a position that feels more punitive towards the people living in circumstances requiring these projects than towards the circumstances themselves.
example for my own enjoyment, but what i want to talk about and no one is talking about is how tightly the politics of desire informing the attraction between shane and ilya are connected to their different experiences with racialisation. the fact they are both people of asian background trying to build a life in a predominantly white, western environment - for different reasons and through different processes - and see in the other a reflection of themselves having completed the journey to an ideal model of western man/citizen they need to approximate to survive, seems like a very potent element of the fascination they have for each other and, in that sense, an impossible theme to ignore in a romantic storyline. (by this i mean, es. ilya's envy/admiration for shane's unquestioned citizenship, perfect knowledge of the official languages of the country where he lives, perfect family full of perfect canadian values and shane's envy/admiration, clearer in the books, for ilya's embodiment of certain physical and behavioural ideals of white masculinity that are widespread in north-american society but foundational to hockey, his mother's sport and channel for his integration).
again, i am not saying there's necessarily brilliant insightful exploration of the topic in the text but there are interesting conversations that can be had in commenting the text regarding the choice to articulate this desire for belonging through sexual desire for another person embodying all the socially advantageous characteristics one is perceived as lacking. the evershifting line so dear to queer writers, but forgotten as soon as discussing other facets of sexual interest, between wanting someone and wanting to be that someone, trying to achieve a transformative experience by passing through them.
this is not about people not liking the books/the show - that is obviously subjective and i don't care - and, sure, this is hockeyyaoislop or whatever, you can engage with it on this level, but if you are in the trenches of interacting with this work and you are sighing and moaning about the lack of meaningful concerns to explore within it maybe consider it's partly a skill/willingness issue on your part. there are cathedrals everywhere for those with eyes to see etc.
Heat (Michael Mann, 1995)
I am approaching the data breach fic with unpure intentions full of a lust for realism that is being delivered 10000000%
WHAT IF YOU WERE A GAY MLH PLAYER AND YOU GOT OUTED IN A DATA BREACH AND SOME LAWYERS WROTE UP A DOCUMENT ABOUT HOW OTHER PEOPLE IN THE LEAGUE WERE SPORTSBETTING AND THIS WAS TREATED WITH THE SAME SEVERITY AS YOU USING THE PROMISE OF SEX TO PLAY HOCKEY GOOD
whoever first pointed out that ilya americanises his accent around other people but not around shane i owe you my fucking life
also the idea of like when its just the two of them ilya can like just slip back into the more comfortable rudimentary accent he had at the start of their relationship :’) and that in itself being nostalgic for shane :’)
this would also be linguistically accurate!
i speak english the most in day to day life and also think in english sometimes. my accent in english is americanized, pretty indistinguishable from a native (excluding sets of certain phonemes like /rl/) .
but if i’m really tired or spending time just around my wife (with whom i speak english), i sometimes switch to what i call ‘lazy english’.
what this usually consists of is i allow myself to speak english with the russian /r/ phoneme that is more natural for me, i drop articles, replace continuous and future tense with simple present, use the ‘….,yes?’ construct, avoid contractions (bc the verb ‘to be’ is dropped/implied in russian, so contractions aren’t always natural)
for example, when i’m in ‘lazy english’ mode, this is how my speech varies:
‘i’m making the bed’ = ‘i make bed’.
‘you’ll help me later, right?’ = ‘you help me later, yes?’ (for this one, in russian, the same phrasal construct ends with the word ‘yes’ instead of the word ‘right’)
‘can you give me a tissue?’ = can you give me tissue?’
‘where’s the pen? do you have it?’ = ‘where is pen? you have?’
if you pay attention, you’ll notice that a lot of these patterns also occur in ilya’s speech, especially earlier on. that’s why i’m particularly impressed with the writing of his dialogue — it doesn’t come across as stereotyping/caricatural because the way he speaks english is consistent with russian linguistic/grammatical rules. this is often how russian-speaking people speak english when it is their second language and they’re still learning.
i like to imagine ilya reverting to ‘lazy english’ or speaking in a similar manner to me around shane. it is linguistically consistent and a sign of comfort/deep familiarity with the person.
The next layer of linguistic accuracy would be for Shane to start occasionally modulating down into a similar "lazy english" that's reflective of Ilya's style. I forget the technical term for this, but it's a legit thing in linguistics -- if there's someone you love/admire/respect and you spend a lot of time with them, you unconsciously start picking up and mirroring a couple aspects of their idiolect (like a dialect but rather than being spoken by a group, it is a single person's unique linguistic fingerprint), whether that's gestures, vocabulary, or speech patterns.
So when Ilya says something like, "Where is pen? You have?" then over time Shane's response might naturally shift towards, "Yes, I have."
he already does this!!!
you still want?
i still want
!!!!!!
“his heart is always in his eyes” insane thing to say about shane hollander. insane because so true… now I am of course thinking about how completely dead behind the eyes he looks in every last one of those ad shoots

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i thought my client in la was wild but milan is taking it
i like to pretend i already died and asked god to send me back to earth so i can swim in lakes again and see mountains and get my heart broken and love my friends and cry so hard in the bathroom and go grocery shopping 1,000 more times. and that i promised i would never forget the miracle of being here
— our town, thornton wilder