I Love Fanfiction

-on page two, the second spoken line of the book, Hayden Pike says he wishes the purge was real so he can legally kill Ilya Rosanov

-Ilya has a massive tattoo of a bear on his chest that he originally thinks is badass and then finds kind of embarrassing by the time the cottage happens

-Ilya’s teeth are almost all fake from getting smashed out playing hockey

-after Shane’s “brace yourself but I think I’m gay confession when Ilya is being sarcastic he follows it up with “you know the last time you were sucking my dick it did feel a little gay to me, now that you mention it” 💅

-Ilya is embarrassed because he thinks his accent makes him sound like a cartoon villain

-Ilya is late to the awards show because he was literally hiding from Shane in the bathroom

Then you witness the absolute piece of shit, mean as hell, genuinely makes you consider retiring due to annoyance, Russian menace of the other team very clearly drive-by drop his room number.

You clocked him ages ago but like. Your brain is broken. You ask Hollander wtf just happened in case you hallucinated and Hollander either LIES to your face (seems unlikely he is capable of this) or completely doesn’t understand what’s going on. You rack your brain. Is he hitting on SHANE HOLLANDER? Is he hitting on YOU? Is he trying to kill you?? Actually yes that makes the most sense. You realize he’s gotten your room number slightly wrong and must have been threatening to come by and murder you later, or, equally upsetting, try to hit it. He probably did it right in front of Hollander just to be a dick.

Still fucking weird though. You lay on your bed after practice, too tired to even turn on the TV, still wondering if Rozanov was fucking with you or genuinely is going to show up to attempt to fight/fuck you at some point tonight.

An hour later you are staring at the ceiling in silent shock, hand clasped over your mouth, as you very clearly hear the meanest most obnoxious man you know loudly whining that he wants to fuck Shane Angel Baby Hollander. Who now seems to be discussing his dildo. You can believe Hollander is closeted but actually actively fucking Rosanov??

This experience haunts you. You are a changed man. You have gone your entire life completely miserable and alone because of your career choice and Rozanov is gay dating whoever he fucking wants out here. AND asking you if you need help finding your car after the game.

this is NOT because of blocking screenshots, it's because of HOW streaming sites use your computer's hardware to optimise performance, which means the thing rendering the video and the thing capturing your screen aren't the SAME thing. so they can't talk together.

[pls do not repost anywhere!]

and now i’m thinking about how he loves to be romantic and chivalrous to ilya— like when they get to the cottage and shane carries ilya’s bag in. he’s a great Boyfriend(husband.) he holds the door for ilya every chance he gets, and ilya (not so) secretly Looooooves it. when they’re at the bar with their team, shane will ask ilya if he wants a drink and go get it for him, hands it off to ilya with a little here you go, baby and then sits at a stool at the bar and ilya leans back between shane’s legs. at team cookouts, shane will tug on ilya’s arm as he’s talking to people until he’s sitting in his lap and ilya will go willingly without even pausing his conversation. shane will grin and wrap his arms around ilya’s stomach, kiss his shoulder. when they’re out to dinner and the bill comes shane will put his card down and ilya will make it a big thing, like oh thank you shane you’re sooo sweet and shane will be like ah it’s no trouble baby (they have a shared bank account.) he loves taking care of his baby!!!!!!! there’s been a rare time or two where shane and ilya are at a club and shane will let go and have a few drinks, get wonderfully tipsy and ilya will drag him out to dance. shane will hold ilya’s hips as ilya dances against him.

hmm. @vampiricbisexuality @a-chance-of-raine @northwxrds @motherdoesntloveuanymore @neil-perrys-glasses

Step right up, but be prepared. Those who fail are poverty-snared. Question One! If your labor proves most fruitful, Raking quarters by the bootful, Who should excess profits reap, Me the wolf or you the sheep? Question Two! If, by merit, you're made pope, What will be your fervent hope? Law and order justly paired? Or mercy and the guilty spared?