kind of a nika update since i don't really post much personal stuff on here, but i think?? most of the ppl i wouldn't want seeing any personal updates are blocked and would have to go out of their way to see this so. whatever.
anyway hi. i am crawling along. the tl;dr is that after the past, uh...what now makes 7 years of being constantly in survival mode, moving from place to place, living day to day and just desperately trying to survive, as of, idk, september? my life has finally kind of somewhat slowed down. i got out of a very horrible living situation, and have been working every day on remembering how to Live and Breathe. turns out trauma is a lot!
on top of that, i am finally in a space to address my health. besides mental health (diagnosed with things that make sense, the adhd and the autism) i'm also figuring out my physical health. i finally got my PCOS diagnosis after a couple years, and am in the process of figuring out what kind of EDS/connective tissue disorder i've got. my life at the moment consists largely of working, followed by doctors appointments, followed by sleeping.
i'm more exhausted than i ever could have imagined. i'm burnt out in a way i never expected. it's like i was a bird on an eight year migration and now that i've finally stopped having to flap my wings, i can't move at all. it's a lot to work around. i feel terrible that so many things have slipped away from me, whether it be responding to people or finishing up overdue commissions (i swear on everything in me that i haven't forgotten, @thebreakfastfish. i have the files on my ipad. i look at them every day! and yet, i pick up the pen, and my brain starts turning into static, and. yeah. i am working up the capacity to send you an email with a bigger update and some actual progress because you saved my ass last december and somehow it's been a year and aaaaaaaaaaaaa.)
work is good. work is great, actually. i love my job. it's a Lot, but i love my job. working in non-profit is a lot, and i am Important in that i manage a lot of projects for clinic services. i work to help the vulnerable population where i live, so it's fulfilling, but it's also exhausting. turns out Thinking for eight hours a day makes your brain mush. this year has also been a series of unfortunate events for my job. four of our physical locations flooded in january, our main clinic was destroyed by it, we've spent months building back up and figuring out how we're going to rebuild, etc etc. tons of long term things in the works to fix things that happened overnight 11 months ago.
so things are Good but things are also Endless. i'm trying to not lose myself in the thought that this is how it's going to be forever. i want to create again, to dream and think and breathe again. there are moments among the fog where i do live and breathe and enjoy--i have a partner now, who was a friend of a few years first, and he brings me so much joy, and helps me love myself in ways i didn't think i was capable of. but by and large every day is a struggle where i am relearning how to live. how to feed myself and care for myself and exist in a way where i am not crushing myself to survive.
i hope i can get to a place where i can do the things i want to do again. i want to run tabletops again--but the thought of organizing something weekly, for multiple people, and creating and responding to things on the fly, makes me physically hurt. i want to draw and paint again--but i pick up anything and stare at the paper or ipad for hours and then sigh and turn things off. i think of words in the shower and run to write--but then i open the document and everything is gone. i feel like i'm in limbo, in some kind of purgatory, trying to crawl my way out. but at least i'm not in the inferno anymore.
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me and the boys have a couple of chains wrapped around the sword in the stone hooked up to mikes toyota tundra gonna pull that fucker out like a tooth.
There are some animals you only see in pictures with very little to compare its size to that make you go into cardiac arrest once you find out how big/small they actually are
Healthy BDSM probably still needs an ounce of actual communication lol
These two are diving head-first into contrived scenarios to brute-force their fantasies into existence without talking about it once. Jacinthe will never ask for consent because she wants something to happen, and Lebanne will never give consent because she wants it stolen from her. It just happens that it works out for them
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im so sick of unnecessary dinner scenes in movies 😡 every fucking movie they just want to titillate you with some food because they think you’re a dumb animal who just wants to see mashed potatoes bouncing. if its an IMPORTANT dinner scene where they explain lore then whatever i understand. but they shove useless meals into every movie these days and its disgusting
its true though sex scenes are bad and you only are defending them cuz you wont question that men put their fetishes into everything. movies by women literally just dont have sex scenes and if rhey do its not gratuitous and lasts two seconds or its played for comedy . Fuck you and your dinners idc bro
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I follow the "leave nothing but footprints take nothing but photos" rule of state/national parks yeah because conservation. But also because when I was 11 i read a short story about a girl who went to a museum and stole a bandage flake off a mummy on display with the mentality of "im just one person one piece won't be missed" then at night she was visited by the mummy and it plucked a single hair from her head and then the next night a different mummy took another hair and she realized that there were only so many pieces to her before there would be nothing left and that story was forever wedged in my brain. Anyways leave cool rocks where you find them or the mummies will get you
I think what really bothers me about video game difficulty discourse is the way that it equates "inaccessibility" with "artistic choices that may alienate certain disabled players."
like, okay, speaking as a musician and an autistic woman: there are certain sounds that I am simply not going to enjoy, right? I don't like music that's too heavy on the high end, because it sounds shrill. I've listened to music that had so much Stuff Going On at once that is literally made me feel sick from overstimulation. But that doesn't mean that music shouldn't exist, or that the creators should make a hypothetical pared-down remix just so I specifically can enjoy it. There's other music out there which I like! It's fine! I'll listen to that instead!!
and, idk, it bothers me because there are a lot of legitimate accessibility features that I think every game should have. there's no reason for a puzzle game to be inaccessible to colorblind people. there's no reason that an execution-heavy game shouldn't allow you to set up alternate control schemes. but the solution is not "make the puzzles easier" or "make the bosses do less damage" any more than the "solution" to a complicated piece of writing is "create a version where everything is written using simpler language." idk! it just feels like a refusal to engage with art as art and not Product.
That last bit about writing is particularly on-point right now, because this is take is going around:
So yeah there are people who genuinely believe that "accessibility" means only making things that are unchallenging. This is incorrect in any form of art, whether it's popular media or something more traditional. Accessibility in writing means printing in larger text, use of readable fonts and formatting, translation into Braille, and recording in clear audio. Accessibility in gaming should mean colorblindness filters, toggles to deactivate strobing in cutscenes and environments, scalable text, custom keymapping, and the ability to modify graphical settings including framerates, motion blur, fixed versus free camera, and so on.
To truly engage with any form of art, one must at least be willing to be challenged. To claim that challenge is by its nature inaccessibility is at best ignorance to the purpose of accessibility, and at worst a gross infantilization of people like me who actually have disability-related struggles that could be mitigated with some fairly basic control of settings.
i recently found out the funniest thing about big horses recently which is that for centuries humans have sworn that the feathering on big horse’s legs has been bred in there for a reason, and the reason given is usually something to do with how it helps keep the joints warm and safe when the big horse is doing hauling work in fields.
the thing is: it doesn’t appreciably do that, because the feathers wick up water and mud, which cancels out any insulation advantage they might hypothetically confer, and also it wasn’t even put there on purpose.
the Leg Get More Hair gene is just linked to the Bones Get More Big gene. when you breed any lineage of horses to have bigger bones–not just taller, but chunkier–the leg hair just happens anyway. so every single breed of draft horse has feathered legs, and even carriage horses like friesians get feathers once they hit a certain threshold of lorge.
when you supersize your horse, mother nature throws in a free pair of booties. how cool is that?
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wish literally any gay papers would talk about lil nas x cause every article is either written with contempt OR makes sweeping assumptions by only quoting the cops and blatantly lies about things they contradict in their own article. like how is there no coverage of support or efforts to keep an eye on his location?
shortest possible story is that he he got arrested and hospitalized after walking around outside at night, MAYBE having 'an episode', MAYBE he was drunk, maybe he was high, maybe he was just being loud, who knows. Dude was outside at night in boxers and cowboy boots and that's all he did to "invite" police interaction.
But cops claimed he assaulted them so he gets arrested. Then goes to the hospital. Then goes back into custody.
And then he's not heard of for a while, then days later says he's out and okay. But facing FELONY charges!
WHERE IS EVERYONE? Pinknews cunts? Them? OutMag? Hello??
Almost a year later, Lil Nas X is out of a mental health rehab program, looking good, saying he feels really good, and seems to be on the way up after all of this. I'm really happy for him. I hope he has good genuine support in his life through family, friends, and folks rooting on him that he can count on.
I am really disappointed but not surprised how quickly a lot of media support for him disappeared, especially queer papers. An interview from before the police incident really highlighted how many people wanted him to fail and wanted to see him fall, including certain pockets within communities that should have has his back.
Happy Happy Pride to Lil Nas X. I hope nothing but good things come his way.
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