I'm Great

had a dream where my mom tried to give our Venus fly trap a spoonful of milk and it immediately started hacking and coughing like an adult human man

image transcription: The saying, “Life is just one damn thing after another,” is a gross understatement. The damn things overlap.”

just got a weighted blanket fellas, i’ll keep you updated

update 1: heabvy

update 2: confy

Was walking my dog downtown and he stopped to drink from a dog bowl in front of a bar and I was like “Oh, are you a thirsty little boy?” And a grown-ass man sitting there said “i guess I am,” as he took a sip of his beer and then he realized I was not talking to him and looked completely horrified

#id fuck him

my mom has finally understood the concept of how to use “tea” as slang, but only kind of. she came into my room and said “jessie, i have tea today” and i was obviously like what happened but as it turns out she just thinks tea means information so she told me that she got avocadoes on sale. that was the tea. 

why do i want to quit every job i start lmao

Hot girls shouldn't work

tea...... what im doing is sick nd unnatural

ok what the fuck happened to blooper when mario tried to teach him to type