spaced out

we went ring shopping last month and i picked out this one

really fun to be at a jewelry store looking at engagement rings together, but also a little awkward. we just wanted to get my ring size, we planned to get the ring online. i found myself a lil intimidated by the sellers, who were completely disinterested in us and of zero help. but, the last store we went to was ran by a super sweet older man who taught us the ropes of ring shopping. he even told us upfront, "you don't want a ring from me, you can get what you want a lot cheaper than what i would charge you for it." before taking us to his office for Ring Shopping 101, knowing we wouldn't buy from him. what an angel.

he's getting ready to visit Korea with his fam for the next three weeks. i am happy for some time to myself -- i have so much going on right now, and that time alone is def going to be utilized to get shit done -- but i'm gonna miss him and i'm not looking forward to communicating through a 14-hour timezone difference, lol.

when he's back, we move in together! very excited for this next chapter in my life. young me would be shocked and amazed; i'm doing it, i'm creating my own happiness.

but also glad i didn't get that job lol hope no one lost theirs.

edit: ok i was 1/3rd of the way through the video when i wrote this and was like "ok well let's not say anything too crazy in case i wanna work for Wildworks later," but baaaabyyy. what is it about these NFTs that makes folks lose their minds?

super stunlocked from this weekend, so much good happened. bi-weekly monthly journaling time lol. i think imma add this cute little drawing every time i get into it so i can find what i wrote more easily.

so, August 2019 is when we met, on Tinder. it'll be 3 years in not too long. i've learned a lot about myself, what i want, and the kind of person i want to be with over the years. i had always sort of fallen into awful relationships by crazy circumstances, and never really considered myself in them. i would budge on my deal breakers, convince myself i would be OK sacrificing things i'd known i wanted for myself.

i was really intentional about pushing myself out of my people pleasing comfort zone with my boyfriend. i remember really being into him just a month or so out from our first date. i wanted us to be exclusive, and i shared how i felt. he wasn't sure, and i kindly told him, ok, thank you for being honest. i'm really glad to have met you, and i hope we can be friends then.

maybe half a week later, he changed his mind haha.

it was such an effort for me to say that to him, to stick by what i wanted. i felt terrified. but i did it! so proud of that.

anyways, all that is to say is that i was able to get the courage to have many honest, candid conversations like that with my boyfriend, and i really do feel that if i had continued to live my life suppressing my desires out of that fear of rocking the boat, i wouldn't have the great, fulfilling relationship i have now.

last weekend, i had the scariest conversation yet. we'd been talking about moving in together, and i had this nagging fear in my head that like. we'd do that, and that would be it. i want to be lovingly married, and have children, and a relationship where we build together. i was worried moving in would be a final step instead of a next step.

so, i tried to bring it up. i actually choked on my words at first lol. but as soon as i got it out -- "are you interested in talking about marriage to me?" -- he smiled and said of course.

intermission, i can't get over the way my partner's patience, honesty and kindness has given me the room to heal so much relationship trauma. every time i get scared to have conversations, it's a reaction. every time he shows me i don't need to be, it's like... surreal. healing.

so we talked about marriage. how we want to treat moving in as a next step, and not the final step. we want to be married in the next two years, have a small and intimate wedding with two ceremonies -- one American traditional, the other Korean traditional. not spend too much on that wedding, so we can have a nice honeymoon. take a year or two before trying for children -- he says he wants two.

i'm starting to cry a little now lol. this is a brand new feeling for me, it's like strength and joy together? he loves me, man. like actually loves me. he doesn't stop when my weight goes up, or i get laid off, i go through it with some depressive episodes. no gaslighting, no withholding of affection, no meanspirited criticisms, no disappearing and reappearing, or intuition telling me he's losing interest or cheating.

and he's sure about me. that's a powerful feeling.