Fate and Chlorine

I am making great big plans… not so much for my life but for this summer. I am making plans for a summer of wandering, backpacking, time alone, time in the wilderness, time to decompress, time to ponder, time to flyfish, time to write, and time to even my proverbial keel.  

Life!  Crazy stuff.  Sometimes it amazes and sometimes it just gets in the way.  I had the sudden urge to draw a very specific image yesterday (plot twist: I can't draw to save my life) and that slowly evolved into another bout of I-need-to-be-more-productive.  So here we go, another day one (at a time).  

It happened to work out that I get to start this new session with a day off.  Its always much easier that way.  I got up early even though it took me awhile to get rolling.  Caffeine helps though.  I have a list of things I am going to try and do daily and we will see if I can carry this through the end of this work cycle.  

Work, work is a mess.  The atmosphere is toxic and I need to get out but I still haven't decided where to go or what to do next.  I have put in a very small amount of effort to looking but it really hasn't been sufficient and nothing has fallen into my lap.  I should point out that I still haven't had a passion emerge and that feels suffocating.  I am still looking and thinking... I can't help feeling like I want to create something tangible.  I have this strange romanticization with crafting... it might be time to get a plasma torch and a wire-feed welder and bring back some old skills.  I just don't know if I can see myself becoming obsessed with it again.  I feel like it has to become some sort of obsession in order to become great at something like that.  Writing this did make me take a short google image search break and make a few more sketches of some ideas that popped into my head.  I guess that is at least an initially good sign.  I might have to spend a little more time at home than I was initially planning.  

This one is years old and it isn't what I do on this blog but fuck it... who cares.  I haven't written here in ages, I am up WAY too early for  work and I just rediscovered this... I fucking adored the girl this is about but then she was secretly a super racist.... Ignorant as she might have been she was a hell of a muse early on.... here we go!

Leopard and Lace

  Racing forward.

The sun just beyond sight

provides this preternatural glow.

A beach emerges from the ink.

Color surges back into existence

Last nights' spills and stains,

like blood on the tile,

now a crimson reminder 

of all the right mistakes.

Hope and optimism.

Tumbling toward her.

The brakes of rationality

cut 14 inches ago.

She ensures there is no mending.

Imagination and memory swirl.

Its a snow globe cocktail for

the willing captive within. 

Paradise approaches.

Sauntering slowly towards me

I haven't written in over a month but today is the perfect day to start it up again.  I had a day off after having worked every day for a couple weeks and I had plans to meet up with an old friend who happens to be in town but plans fell through.  With some time on my hands I stepped outside with my headphones on and my journal in hand.  I sat down in the cool evening air and lit up a nice cigar.  As the nicotine kicked in (I'm not a regular partaker so it still results in a rush/high) my mind began to race and I felt the early morning writing session from last summer flood back over me.  Those days will soon be upon me again.  I then had two sudden thoughts sprout in my mind.  The first was that I would either sleep like the dead tonight or not at all and the second was that I have grown a lot as a person in the last year.

Last summer's trip put me into a new universe and forced me to reconcile with a few things.  I am less afraid to be who I am and more comfortable being social.  I am more comfortable being who I am when not with only close friends.  In just a handful of days I will be back in one of my favorite places in the world and embarking on what could be one of the most formative months of my life.  I am a little scared and incredibly excited.

I am still looking for my next obsession.  I feel the shades of obsessions past peering out from the depths of my mind as they color my views.  I work to keep those effects positive.  I choose to affect my views with those shadows in constructive ways. 

Tumblr and I had a little bit of a falling out after dog food ads started showing up on my dashboard.  It appears they have disappeared for now. I am sincerely hoping that is the end of it.  I feel like Tumblr is one of the last vestiges of good things on the internet that aren't owned/fueled/whatever by pure evil.  We shall see.  There is so much greed and puritanical nonsense out there and we need our shelters from that storm.  

It seems to me that I need to use my voice.  I get comments and compliments on it all the time and maybe it really is better than I think.  I don't really sing well but my speaking voice is always being pointed out.  I am not saying that I have finally found my answer but there has to be a way to utilize one of the natural gifts I was given.  I also don't have much of an accent at all so I think that is another topping on the sundae.  I am a podcast junkie so maybe that is the answer but I am also a sports talk addict so perhaps that is the route.  I don't know.  It almost seems like something has to come first but I suppose in truth that might just expedite the process.  

A hole.  A hole is what I have fallen into over the last week or so.  Out of the gym for the last four days, haven't been writing, not being productive, etc etc etc.  I have work to do tomorrow.  I am hoping that getting back on some of my supplement cycles will get things rolling and I can find some extra mental motivation from that.  I know its a bit of a cheap ploy but it makes me want to work harder to maximize the effectiveness.  

I don't feel like I have anything to write but I should write.... I haven't gymmed in a couple days... I got super sick after breakfast two days ago and nearly died with my head inside a toilet but it was pretty fast in passing. By late afternoon I was done puking and by the next morning I managed to keep some food down.  I intended to work yesterday but one of my bosses covered for me and gave me a day to recover... I could have gone in.  I offered to go in.  I will say I was exhausted and my entire torso was sore from the dry heaving, gross, so I was quite thankful.  I felt bad even having to take the first day off so taking another felt a bit like cheating.  Oh well, I suppose these things happen.  I haven't needed a sick day in over two years so I guess that is good.  

You know... I wrote half of a 51 a few days ago, accidentally refreshed, lost it and subsequently lost my motivation to write it entirely.  I have big news.... Well, big for me.  I have moved shifts so that I am again set up to go to the gym in the morning and then have plenty of time to sit and write, read and generally relax while in my post workout euphoria, a full stomach and freshly showered.  Few things put me in such a good place.  About the only thing missing from that is good coffee. I could make it in my room but its just such a hassle so I wait until I get in to work.  I do have a decent little coffee shop that is only about a ten minute walk from my room... its an option.  At any rate, here I sit in my post workout, full stomach, freshly showered, moderately caffeinated, good music state of mind and I simply had to write.  It doesn't hurt that I am almost entirely ready and still have two hours until I leave for work.  

I haven't made a lot of progress lately in terms of my mental state.  I have been in a good mood but the future is still a bit foreboding.  The Conduit and I had a discussion about good cities the other day.  I touted New York as one of the finest  even with its geographical restrictions and a few days later he suggested that I might consider going to Columbia.  They are pretty veteran/non-traditional student friendly and I am certainly those two things if nothing else.  I am really not so sure about my motivation levels for such a thing but depending on what I decide is next it would certainly be an option.  

I just don't really see school as necessary right now.  I can learn anything I really want to without it.  Sure there are still certificates, licenses, etc that require such things but by in large it seems that if you want to do something in life you can simply start learning how to do it and then DO it. College is becoming far less important so long has you know how to learn and can do it without a teacher.  (PS The Black Keys are in my ears and I am LOVING it)  Of course it doesn't help that I still don't know what that it is.  

Blech... I should write.  I mean it is number 50 and apparently facebook is down.... All sorts of signs pointing me here.  I need to do laundry but I am going to have to wait a solid 20 minutes for that so why not write.  I finished a killer workout and then had a good breakfast with only my podcasts for company.  Precisely what I needed.  I usually have breakfast with The Conduit but I like to have breakfast by myself sometimes.  It is good chill out time for me.  Lets me focus my thoughts a bit, relax and unwind from the day.  Have I mentioned that I work a night shift so I eat breakfast food at the end of my day?  No? Well, now I have.  

I got through a killer workout today and feel really good now.  My arms are going to hate me tomorrow and tomorrow is leg day which is brutal.  Could be in for a rough week but its all in the name of the beach-ready body and of course progress towards bigger fitness goals.  Speaking of which, I can still see the cheat day in the mirror.  Depressing but I did hit a new max in reps today so there is still real ground being gained.  

Ok, here we go... Just finished my "Monday" workout.  This may require some explanation.  I workout with a standard 7 day week... 6 days straight then one off but I leave my off day in the middle of everyone else's week because the gym is much less crowded on the weekends and I like this.  Subsequently, my Monday falls on Friday and Monday is shoulder day.  I dedicate an entire day to shoulders and use it as my first day of the week because shoulder day is the most important day.  Having good shoulders is important as a guy, in my opinion, and I have a long way to go.  I want those Dwight Howard shoulders.  Thats my goal and let me assure you it is a very long ways away.  I probably need a new endocrine system to get shoulders like that.... so steroids basically.  The day off was nice and I probably should have written but I ended up reading most of the day.  I just hid in my cave with a book.  Pretty good way to spend a rare day off.  

I have been back on my full out healthy eating kick.  I allow myself one artificial sweetener laden energy drink in the morning but beyond that I am keeping it really clean.  I am hopelessly addicted to energy drinks.  I should cut them out entirely but it isn't going to happen anytime soon.  There is surely too much caffeine in my diet for my own good.  2 and a half months until vacation.  That really just means that I only have 2 and a half months to get my mind and body ready for it.  For once, it might be harder to get my mind ready than my body.... at least at the rate things have been going.  

I've managed to make myself content.  I feel pretty good.  All of that being what it is, I still don't feel like I am making progress towards figuring anything out for the long term.  I want it.  I need that purpose to really get passionate about and strive towards.  It isn't manifesting itself.  All of the things I've been doing (working out, eating good, writing, listening to podcasts and music, reading) has helped but it just isn't giving me the sort of results I want.  Perhaps I need a real vision quest; a trek into the jungle and some time in a smoke lodge.  Something!  I don't know.  

I started looking at random web postings of people looking for investors for their random business ideas.  I didn't find anything that looked legit.  Perhaps people who have legitimate ideas don't post on the internet to find investors.  I saw a lot of poor grammar and spelling and poorly/over used buzz words.  (PS if you're reading this and have a great idea but need a little capital and a mostly silent partner to get you over the hump then you should let me know)  This might be easier if I lived in the real world full time but being slightly removed is pretty much the reason I have the financial flexibility that I do in the first place.  

Ugh, I know I need to write but I just have so little in my brain today.  The last two days really, I think I have missed two days now.  There is one big attributing cause.  I haven't had a day off in 16 days and counting.  The end is not in sight.  We are shorthanded right now and there just isn't anything anyone can do about it.  My hours are skyrocketing but sadly, I am not paid by the hour.  Speaking of money, I just went on a little online shopping spree the other day.  It was pretty fun.  I enjoyed it.  Lots of exciting stuff coming in the mail soon.  Did you know you can by alcohol online?  Its true, you can... in most states.  Don't get your hopes up just in case.  I personally ordered a bottle of an obscure scotch variety that I love and a bottle of bourbon from a small distillery in Denver that makes heavenly nectar.  Oh! I ordered new headphones.  Very excited about that.

My phone says my actual bedtime isn't for another 88 min but I feel like it is coming sooner than that.  I started taking a chewable melatonin supplement a few days ago and it definitely does help me get to sleep at a more reasonable hour.  I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not but when I started this blog I also started tracking both my sleep and my workouts.  I have been in the gym pretty regularly for the last couple years but I was never the guy with the logbook.  I've never been that worried about it.  I've never been organized.  I sampled a couple apps and settled on one for my sleep and workouts and now I track them both.  The sleep app also uses a smart alarm so that, in theory, it wakes you when you are already in a lighter stage of sleep.  It tends to work pretty well although, that snooze button is still so tempting.  It also has a feature to make sure you are actually awake and not just shutting off the alarm without waking up.  I have been known to do precisely this.  So now my phone requires a simple test to ensure I am actually awake.  It displays a bunch of cartoon sheep on the screen and all but one of them is asleep and unless I can tap on the correct sheep the alarm will continue to ring.  Useful, very useful.  I listened to podcasts all day at work today and didn't do any writing.  Instead I sat and played Risk on my phone during the boring parts.  Not exactly productive.  Pffff, I need to get back on that.  The girl I wrote about a handful of entries ago has been prompting the most recent entries.  Largely, it has been because she has disappeared.  She did make a brief reappearance and said she would respond in full the next day.... then three days passed and still nothing.  So, I am at that point where I have given up but I will un-give up if in fact she reappears.... mostly because I am stupid with girls.  Clearly, I should stop right now and realized that I liked her WAY more than she liked me and move on.  If she was that into me she would actually take the time regardless of how busy she is.  That is always one of the worst answers.... "I just don't have time for a relationship right now" .... wrong answer.  You just don't want to make time.  Other things are more important.  That is what people really mean when they say that, even me.  Its a shit excuse.  Not that she has actually used that excuse but she is a busy person and its the one I expect to hear.  The truth is probably more along the lines of the fact that I am a million miles away and will be for nine months a year for the foreseeable future.  I want someone to come home to but I also don't want to settle and don't see a lot of girls who want to enter into some new relationship with that predetermined fate.  No one likes that.... hell, I don't even like that.  But I also can't quit my job in hopes the right girl comes along or because some new girl might be the right girl in 6 months.  Not a chance either way.