We were listening to music, he told me to scan the back of his phone. The back of the phone? I questioned. Yeah, the stickers. He said thats the scanner for his breakup song. It was a song called changes. Pretty apt, i said. He was in the kitchen squeezing lemons in a glass for my drunken self, talking about how he related to the song. I went over, stood next to him and saw him squeezing every drop out with the utmost force. He told me to chug it like i chugged that bottle of wine. I did. Didn't bother me all that much, the scrunch of the face was an attention grabber. He roamed around here and there in the kitchen, we were talking, i was playing with fire. Quite literally. The lighter in my hand kept flickering on and off. I said to him im afraid of fire, and he asked me if im afraid of fire or the consequences. I took a pause and answered in a whisper, consequences. The lighter flicked again, hurt me a little. He was soft, he was kind. His voice a whisper, with my thumb between his fingers, does it hurt. I said yes, kind of. He went and brought some creme for it, put it on himself. I was surprised, where this gentleness was coming from.
We were standing across from each other, leaning against walls of a doorframe. A foot of space between us, maybe less. He says, cry it out. I said i dont know, he said you should. And i did, i got emotional and some more. Started rambling about how i cant write about him, how nothing comes to me to write about him. About how i think he must hate me, and how i should always have the guilt. He, of course, ensures me about it. But then the conversations get more hectic, he offers me his arms, and i lean into them, bury my face in his chest, my head partially on his shoulder because he is just so tall. And i cry. I cry a lot. But no tears come. I think i kept crying because i wanted to stay between his arms.
He wrapped his arms around me. Our first hug. Others have been partial awkward side hugs. This was different. It felt complete. His arms around me, his face on top of my head, one his hands caressing my hair as i cry and cry. He shushed me, he said come here, in that soft voice. The feelings i had kept buried really came alive at that point.
He said
Never overthink that no one will love you. I am sure about your love life than i am of mine, i am more sure about the good in yours than i am in mine. You deserve good and you will get good.
I am here because of you, ive looked up to you. The only reason i am here, is you. I cant think of not calling you everyday. You are the only person who knows me so much, i am the only person who knows you this much. We….we love you.
(The pause at we made me rethink the whole conversation at night. Made me think whether he meant just him. Or no.)
We broke apart from the hug. I sniff, he pulls me close. He wipes under my eyes, no tears. I laugh and say all the snot is coming through my nose. We laugh, hug again.
He tells me his dad said sometimes they wish they didn't have him, my heart breaks. I hug him wholly, my arms wrap around his neck, bringing his face to my shoulders, his body down to my height. His face nestles into my shoulder, my hands cup his head. My cheek touch his, only for a moment. Vulnerable, naked, shy. All of it, both of us.
I say, im not good at words as you are, but i am always here with you. He nods, i know.
Emotional, longing, heartwarming. All of it, both of us.
As i sit here at night, thinking of all that happened, i sit upright and feel the need to write after a lot of days, and write write write i do, still not of the guy i thought i should.