The Worst Dad Jokes
"She rolled her eyes for thirteen years. Then he could not speak anymore ā and his hand still knew the code."
She rolled her eyes for thirteen years. Then he could not speak anymore ā and his hand still knew the code.
Maya was twelve years old when she decided that her father was the most embarrassing man in the United States of America. He was a middle-school librarian who pronounced library lie-berry on purpose. He wore Crocs to public spaces. He owned a polo shirt that said WORLD'S #1 DAD ironically and unironically at the same time. And every single morning, while making her grilled-cheese-for-breakfast and her chocolate milk, he told the worst jokes in the world. I tried to start a hot-air balloon company. It never took off. Did you hear about the man who lost his left hand. He's all right now. And his very worst ā the one he told her every single morning for the entire fall of sixth grade ā I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. Maya rolled her eyes so hard her father said, one of these days you're going to lose them in the back of your head. Maya screamed DAAAD the way only a twelve-year-old daughter can scream DAAAD. He laughed. And every morning, when she walked to the front door to catch the bus, he held her small hand for one beat too long, and he squeezed it twice. That was his code. Two squeezes. He had been doing it since she was four. He had never told her what it meant. She had stopped asking when she was nine.
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