#deardiary

I usually never take photos, but this time I made an exception and will add some here as well. Throughout my entire journey, I mostly listened to music from the Life is Strange playlist. Maybe writing will help. I never thought it would, but...

I woke up at 8 AM and went to the gym. It was great because the entire place was empty except for me and a really cute girl. She said *good morning* and asked me a few questions before leaving. I think she wanted to keep talking, but I was in such a deep depression that I couldn’t hold a conversation and had to brush her off. I felt a little bad about it afterward, but I’m sure I’ll see her again, so I can make up for it.

Anyway, after the gym, I took a cold shower and did some cleaning around the house. By then, it was already noon, and I broke down crying like a little girl, drowning in my usual suicidal thoughts. I also thought about the sweet old lady I used to visit occasionally—who wasn’t even related to me—but I just found out she passed away a few days ago. Her daughter said she died quickly and painlessly, but I was still devastated. I had even prepared a gift for her (her favorite Turkish tea and sweets), but I kept putting it off, and now she’s gone. That wasn’t the main reason for my depression and crying, but I guess it made it last longer. Once, she asked I got a gf or not and when I told her I'd never had a girlfriend and might never be with anyone, she said to me something like this:

,,My child, you are so special even you dont want, someone gonna find you. Wait for a soul rare enough to turn your joys into sunrises... and your sorrows into sacred things."

After crying until about 2 PM, I got up and made myself a nice meal, accidentally chopping my fingers in the process. Whatever. While eating, I watched Halo Season 2, Episode 4. It was way better than I expected but also kind of sad. Then I thought, fuck it, hopped on my bike, and decided to ride to a forest and lake in a city I’d never been to before.

After getting off the train, I didn’t use GPS to find the lake—just wandered around and finally found it after a half-hour delay (and two falls, but honestly, not bad time, haha). The turns were sharper than I expected, and the road wasn’t even a bike path. I sat there for a while, reading a book. There were so many fish in the lake I really wanted to jump in and catch them.

Pounded through the fields until my lungs burned-kept running till my legs betrayed me. Lay there panting, making friends with the ants while the sky spun lazy circles above.

Then I stumbled upon a military facility and decided to check it out, walking around the perimeter and taking a few photos. (I love observing military bases from the outside like a terrorist and taking notes—you never know when you might need to slap some Nazis.)

I went back into the forest and found a beautiful chapel, where I snacked and read some more, also serving myself up as a feast for a few mosquitoes. On the way back, I took a different route and saw a path lined with religious paintings, so I photographed all of them. To get out of the forest, I tried sticking to the edge, but the path was blocked by construction machinery and a pole. Of course, I said again fuck it and went through anyway—almost impaled my neck on the handlebars and my ass on the tire. Pretty sure my tire’s punctured now. (Now I know why they blocked the path, haha.) Finally, I found my way out and headed back.

When I got home in the evening, I immediately filled the bathtub with cold water and added some ice. I stayed in longer than usual (15 minutes). I know taking two baths a day is wasteful, but since I was feeling so shitty, I’ll make an exception just for today. The best part about cold baths is that you don’t burn in the summer or freeze in the winter. Threw my clothes in the washer, read a bit more, and then wrote this entry...

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.