Whomst The Fuck

TEACH YOUR FUCKING SONS!!!!

Because the last thing I beta’d had the character describing herself the same or more than she did the others (i.e. at length) and that trips my gag reflex so have some ideas about how to have the narrator describe themselves naturally.

1. Do it in context. I love this one because it’s so dang versatile and it accomplishes multiple levels of exposition at once. A good example is when Katniss describes herself in the Hunger Games: it comes up naturally because she meets Gale, then it’s described in the context of explaining that she and Gale are both from the Seam, and therefore have a certain appearance.

2. They think about it because it gets in their way. Could be as simple as “hair too long, they have to keep pushing it back” or it could be “they’re trying to hide and the big ol’ scar over their eye makes it really hard.”

3. Someone else brings it up. This is easier to mess up, because exposition through dialogue is rough waters, but you can still have another character comment on their appearance. Of course, this is a good way to reveal a relationship at the same time as doing the description.

4. Go ahead and have them describe themselves, but do it in no more than a sentence and have it only be one part. I always think it comes off best if you also add in a quick character trait, too. Like, “she was a black-haired green-eyed cartoon witch and she owned it like Halloween costume.” It doesn’t even have to give the reader as solid an image as that. The important part is, there’s a lot more to know about her appearance than apparent witchiness (and a lot more to know about how it qualifies as “witchy”) and that comes up slowly, through other methods and over the next few chapters.

4.5 Expanding on that structure, it goes: description1, description2, character trait expositional detail that pertains to the first two. “He had a face like a busted boulder, two construction-worthy hands and a habit making one touch the other.” “Their sweater was threadbare, their boots had holes and neither changed from day to day, or even from year to year.” Any structure similar to this would do just as well.

5. Have them compare themselves to others. You can have vanity or self-esteem be a reason, but you can also have practical reasons. The knight doesn’t want to fight the other knight because the other is a lot larger. The artisan is wondering if he should keep his nails long like his teacher so he can work better, but maybe they’re too brittle anyway.

6. Have them appreciate themselves. Like, which feature is their favorite? Are they glad they have strong arms for practical reasons? Do they feel noble when they liken their big nose to a hawk beak?

7. Do it in a way that’s new and interesting to the reader. Honestly, if you have someone describe themselves very lovingly with lots of innovative adjectives, it won’t be nearly as flinch-inducing as “she had wavy blond hair down to her waist with reddish-brown highlights” and on for another paragraph of the same. Plus if you reach into the ether for descriptions you’re likely to get ones that explain the emotional state at the same time. “She had lovely blond hair with just the right amount of highlights, but trying to use a brush on it made it puff like a cloud or a briar or something equally frightening.” Now you know how she feels about it and you have a much more dynamic image of how the hair works. Even if it’s just switching “blond” with “spun gold” is a step, but be wary that many of the nicer adjectives like “spun gold” are used so much they’re only a baby step better.

8. Break it up. Parsing it out in little breadcrumbs is great, but I mean if you do want to get it all out at once, break it up. For every physical detail, go on a little tangent about how they interact with it. Stop to muse about something unrelated. Have someone interrupt them. I don’t care with what, just break it up.

Me, who just had a panic attack while eating a bagel at 2 pm: