are you gonna pick those penne noodles out of the boiling water one by one like a man, or are you gonna use a strainer like some kind of democrat?

i wasn't socialized enough as a larva

eddy burback video: I did the russian sleep experiment for a month

I live a very balanced life of noticing things nobody else does and not noticing the things that literally everybody notices

I don’t notice that everybody in the room is waiting for me to answer a question but I notice that the bookshelf is approximately 2 inches to the left from where it was yesterday

all the rights that come with marriage you should be able to have without marriage btw. you should be able to designate a person who can visit you in the hospital regardless of your relationship to that person.

passing in public makes me feel like white shrek

Making 2 crumb deposits into my bed account

sometimes a bug lands in my drink and I say "bro is in my drink" which evolved into "there is a brother in my drink" but that feels vaguely assumptive so now I on occasion say "there is a sister in my drink" whenever a very confused fly decides to take a dip. you too can practice feminism in everyday life

we've sent 2,500 senior dogs to a six week Javascript bootcamp using the funds we raised from our ransomware operation. and that's just the beginning. starting next month every fruit will be different

i bet girls hated it in 1902 cuz you would constantly go on dates w guys who are working on an invention to present at the world fair

go white boy! get stupid!

lost in the sauce

Happy Wet Beast Wednesday

dino saurs were not scary monsters they were mamas with eggs and when they drank water they were like fuckk yessss waterrrr