Falling feels like flying

Except the "them" that Andrew is afraid of turning into isn't Drake. Andrew is terrified of being like Cass.

We all know that Andrew hates Cass so ardently partly because he also loves her so much. He's scared of allowing himself to want so desperately, and he's filled with self-loathing at the suffering that he's willing to endure to keep Cass.

But he also hates her because she failed to protect him. She unwittingly used love as bait to capture Andrew and hold him down, while allowing him to be harmed beyond measure.

Andrew's moral compass, the way that he loves, and (at points) his very reason for living are all built around being the exact opposite to Cass.

It's why Andrew has himself thrown into juvie to keep Aaron from being in the same room as Drake. Andrew refuses to be the loved one that lures Aaron to Drake, refuses to let Aaron's wish for a family be the thing draws Aaron to harm.

It's why Andrew won't stop shaking at Thanksgiving until he can see that Aaron is alright, until he knows that running into the room with a weapon out of love for Andrew isn't what put Aaron in Drake's path.

It's why he kills Tilda. He will not stand by and watch someone hurt the people under his protection, even though the person doing the hurting is his own blood.

It's why he protects Nicky. He won't let Nicky's love for Andrew - Nicky's insistence on raising him and Aaron - be the thing that damages Nicky.

It's why he protects Kevin and why he protects Neil. To be that person, that safe person who uses himself as the bait that keeps them there, while refusing to let anyone touch them.

Andrew loves with his whole heart. But people miss it because the way that he expresses love is calibrated to be the exact opposite of the way that Cass loved him. Don't you think that Andrew wishes that Cass had loved him like this, too? That she had shadowed him, monitored him, fiercely controlled who came near him? Violently extracted all of the secrets that he was keeping from her, bullishly inspected his scars? Threatened to stab and hit until one single glare was enough to make everyone stop?

LEFT CHEEK — Lighter burn x2, multiple strikes to the burns after, cleaver cuts to the burns.

[Lola] pressed the lighter to his cheek.

[Lola] dug her fingernails into his raw skin just to make him cry out again.

[Lola] held fast to Neil so Romero could crush the lighter to his face once more. Lola's strangling grip on his throat meant the best Neil could manage was a pained whine.

Lola considered Neil again, then smacked his burned face as hard as she could.

Nathaniel braced himself for the inevitable blow, but his knees still buckled when Nathan punched the burns on his cheek. Nathan caught him by his throat as he fell.

Nathan put [the dull axe] to Nathaniel's neck next so he could carve shallow lines in Nathaniel's burned face with his cleaver.

RIGHT CHEEK — Knife cuts x2 (likely similarly placed wounds)

Lola wound her arm around the back of his chair so she could hold her knife to the right side of his face. The blade cut a paper-thin line from his mouth to the corner of his eye.

Heat ate a fierce line through his [left] cheek as he retreated right into Lola's waiting knife…He twisted his head out of her reach and remembered her knife too late. He tore a second line down his cheek and hurriedly hunched forward instead.

THROAT — Scar from throat to collarbone, sharp cleaver to the throat.

It started at the base of his throat, a looping scar curving down over his collarbone.

[Nathan] must have just sharpened [the cleaver], because blood welled up almost immediately…A fist to the face killed his next attempt and then Nathan was sitting on top of him with his cleaver to Nathaniel's throat.

CHEST — Bullet scar near collarbone, knife cut to chest, long knife cut to chest.

A pucker with jagged edges was a finger-width away [from the looping collarbone scar], courtesy of a bullet that hit him right on the edge of his Kevlar vest…[Andrew’s] right thumb found the puckered flesh from a bullet.

Riko pressed the knife to Neil's chest and slipped the edge under his skin.

Lola dodged, but barely, and left a hot stripe up his chest with the tip of her blade.

LEFT SHOULDER — Roadburn scar from shoulder to navel.

A shapeless patch of pale skin from his left shoulder to his navel marked where he'd jumped out of a moving car and torn himself raw on the asphalt.

RIGHT SHOULDER — Half an iron burn scar (old).

And there on his right shoulder was the perfect outline of half a hot iron…his father ripped the iron from his mother's hands and smacked Neil with it. Neil still remembered how his skin looked as it peeled off with the metal…On Neil's right shoulder was a burn scar, courtesy of getting smacked by a hot iron. Andrew put his left hand to it, fingertips lining up perfectly with the raised bumps the iron's holes had left behind. 

FOREARMS — Cuts and burns to the forearms, scratches to the injuries.

Time stopped as Lola burned and cut a path up Neil's arms.

[Lola] sounded appreciative, not insulted, and scratched hard lines down his injured arms.

WRISTS — Handcuffs x2 instances.

Metal cuffs locked his hands to the headboard. He yanked his arms as hard as he could, nearly skinning his wrists in the effort, but the headboard didn't even creak…Andrew reached for the bandages on Neil's wrists, and Neil let him rip tape and gauze off. The scabs looked worse today…Neil dragged his stare up from the ugly lines striped across his wrists to Andrew's face.

Lola climbed into the backseat behind him and pulled Neil's arms around back of his chair. She cuffed his hands together and clicked them as tight as she could…He tore his wrists open on unyielding metal but he couldn't stop.

HANDS — Knife to fingertips, knife to base of fingers, knife from base of finger to thumb, burns to the palm, crosshatch knife cuts on back of hand, burns to knuckles, burn between thumb and index.

Neil kicked his legs a bit, testing his range of movement, but was quickly distracted by the press of sharp, cold metal against his fingertips.

[Lola] got bored of the teasing before long and cut a shallow line along the base of his fingers.

[Lola] cut a stinging line down from the base of his finger to the thick flesh of his thumb. She covered his hand with burning lacerations before moving on to the next one.

He traced the outline of a key into his bloody, burnt palm with a shaky finger, closed his eyes, and wished Neil Josten goodbye.

Lola had lined the back of his hand with crosshatches and burned angry circles into his knuckles. Another burn mark stained the tender flesh between his thumb and index finger. The burns were starting to ooze, but drying blood smothered most of the mess.

ABDOMEN — Multiple large knife cuts and punctures to abdomen.

Along his abdomen were larger overlapping lines from confrontations with his father's people while on the run…All of his men were well-versed in knife- fighting, and more than one of them had tried to stick Neil like a pig.

Andrew was quiet a long time, then dropped his hand to the slashes across Neil's gut.

LEGS — Less extensive, handcuffs on ankles. 

He pulled his new shirt on over the one he was already wearing and wrestled the bottom layer out from underneath. It took a bit of work, but he managed to keep most of his skin hidden. Changing out his pants was easier, since most of the damage was on his upper half.

Neil watched Lola cuff his ankles to the seat's rails and barely refrained from kneeing her in the face.

MISC — Random old scars on torso, 50+ stitches from knife cuts all over, cane whipped across the mouth/cheek, most extensive are the burns on his face after the Lola incident.

Faded scars crisscrossed here and there from his life on the run, either from stupid accidents, desperate escapes, or conflicts with local lowlifes.

"I think I pulled my stitches," Neil said. "I feel blood." - "Where?" Wymack asked. - "Everywhere?" Neil guessed, and tried undoing his coat buttons one-handed…He didn't say anything about how many bandages Neil had wrapped around his chest and abdomen or how many bruises showed around the gauze…He'd ripped threads loose on his side, down near his waist…"Shut up," Wymack said. "When you're sporting fewer than fifty stitches I'll consider letting you on my court again.”

He saw the cane come up, but it was too fast for him to dodge. It caught him in the face across his cheek and the side of his mouth.

The worst injuries were the ones on his face, but the mess Lola made of his hands was the most inconvenient.

Hi there,

Interesting question! I do think the bets are such a compelling aspect of the Foxes dynamic with one another - these are all characters who are frequently gossiped about & shit-talked by the general public and it’s fascinating to see how they basically make a game out of that with one another.

As always, my Long and Many thoughts will be under the Read More. (Actually my thoughts got so Long and Many that this will be part 1/2 haha].

What I also find interesting about Matt is that Fanon rarely has him call Andrew & his group the Monsters. However, Matt was actually the FIRST character to call them the Monsters. Throughout AFTG Matt actually says The Monsters THE MOST - he says it 6 times, compared to Allison’s 5. Dan only says the term once and that is directly after Andrew strangles Allison. And yet, Allison & Dan are often thrown under the bus for calling Andrew & his group Monster/the Monsters, whereas Matt is just portrayed as this… happy-go-lucky guy. And again this isn’t to say that Matt isn’t kind - even though he DOES refer to Andrew’s group as the Monsters he also invites them to spend Christmas/NY with him & his mother. Basically, Matt is a pretty typical early 2000s dude and he is a FOX. He leaves group lunch to fuck his girlfriend in his truck and then a homophobic man named Seth cheers him with a fucking beer bottle when he returns.

As for Dan, I think it’s a combination of she would/she wouldn’t. I think publicly she would stop betting on a Fox who expressed discomfort because Dan is really into team unity/bringing the Foxes together. She consistently reaches out to Kevin (including after Kathy’s interview) as well as Aaron (after Andrew is brought to Easthaven) and does try to be welcoming to Neil (and encourages Neil to bring Andrew’s group into the rest of the Foxes). She pretended to be friends with Renee & Allison her first year even when they weren’t getting along in order to maintain a united image in front of the sexist male Foxes. Like I said, Dan only calls Andrew a monster ONCE and that if after he strangles Allison. She wants to get to know the Vixens & have team dinners/team movies/team vacations.

However, I think Dan would still secretly participate in bets but only with Matt & Allison. They would keep it super on the down low, but I do think Dan logic would be that if the Fox in question doesn’t know to be offended, it can’t really hurt them. Again, Dan is also used to being shit-talked a lot, so I think she would be sympathetic in that sense but Dan is also of the mindset that you need to roll with the punches if you want to survive in the world, so while she would be sympathetic & outwardly supportive, I think she’d still participate in a bet or two b/c I don’t think in her mind it would really be harmful.

Allison definitely would keep participating in the bets both in secret & publicly & without remorse. She would be of the mind that the Fox in question needs to toughen up and stop being so sensitive - again Allison is ALSO used to being gossiped about and having her business everywhere, including her eating disorder & her own estrangement from her parents - so I think the idea of “being invasive” doesn’t really phase her. Allison also thought that Matt’s struggles regarding his addiction his first year b/c the other guys on the Foxes in his dorm were doing drugs (including Seth) was an issue that Matt needed to get over & that the other guys weren’t obligated to try to make things easier for Matt. She also told Aaron to get used to the gossip after Andrew was raped & Aaron was being charged with murder.

Allison is also interesting in the sense that she gets thrown under the bus a lot for calling Andrew a monster but what is actually kind of fascinating is that she doesn’t often say it with a whole lot of disdain. She refers to Andrew as a monster for giving Matt speed but then also praises him at the same time for saying his method worked. Very much “the ends justify the means.” Allison genuinely thinks Andrew fixed Matt and therefore there isn’t really a need to hold a grudge against Andrew for it (even though Dan holds a grudge that she does try to set aside for the rest of the team - but Dan is also in love with Matt & more protective of him). She also calls Andrew a monster when she mentioned he visited her at Abby’s after Seth died (although Andrew did just strangle her when she has this conversation with Neil, so) but again Allison says it was that conversation with Andrew that got her back on the court & moreover she doesn’t really seem to have any kind of grudge against Andrew for strangling her. Even when she outs Andrew/Neil in front of everyone and says she’s happy she won a lot of money - it is definitely done with a callous disregard for Andrew/Neil’s privacy, the fact that the FBI are literally Right There, that Andrew isn’t out to his family - but also she does seem to be trying to frame it in a ‘we’re all still supportive of you’ like I think sometimes Allison gets framed of being “against Andreil” b/c she thinks Neil can do better - which, Allison dated Seth & I don’t think she’s invested enough in Neil to care who the fuck he dates - but also she does kind of frame Andreil as Happy News compared to all the torture.

Allison can be callous and her nicknames cruel - however, I do think that Allison has likely experienced a lot of cruel nicknames herself over the years considering she’s a beautiful outspoken woman with a temper (bitch, cunt, slut, whore) so I do think Allison is of the opinion that you’ve just got to embrace the shitty things people say about you instead of whimpering about it. This is obviously a personality that some people are not going to like & it isn’t exactly going to win Allison a lot of friends, but a certain amount of viciousness is the norm for the Foxes.

Another Fox who would still publicly bet is Kevin. Kevin doesn't really give a shit about other people’s discomfort (like when he tells Neil to get over his scars if he wants to be a star & to stop being shy about changing in front of others), frequently shares his unpopular opinions regardless of if they could hurt other people’s feelings (like talking about how much the Foxes suck & they’re going to Lose) and can be rather controlling when he thinks he's being Helpful (telling Nicky not to eat junk food). Kevin, also like Allison, is used to being in the public spot light since birth & knowing that everyone is already talking about him. He’s also used to having Everyone in his business considering the Ravens are a cult & he had a whole codependent friendship/brotherhood/whatever going on with Riko, AND Kevin basically immediately spills all of his and (some of Jean's) secrets to the Foxes a couple months in. Therefore, Kevin like Allison is desensitized to gossip & everyone being in your business - particularly your teammates being in your business, for the Ravens that was the norm.

Basically, if Kevin wants to join a bet/make a bet, he’s not going to let a Foxes discomfort stop him. Like Allison, he’ll basically think they need to Get Over It and Toughen Up. Especially if they want to make it on a team like the Foxes/make it to court as an Exy star. In a way, I think Kevin & Allison would actually be MOST united on this matter b/c unlike Dan & Matt they would not be trying to hide the fact that they are still betting on said Fox.

Lastly, Aaron. Aaron, I think has always seemed the most disjointed from the rest of the Foxes & I think that would continue. I don’t think he’ll be as antagonistic as he was in AFTG b/c he’s not actively pushing them away, however, I do think he’s going to be focused on his romantic relationship with Katelyn & rebuilding his relationship with Andrew as brothers, maybe even trying to connect with Nicky a bit more now that Aaron is Okay With Being Gay (plus he & Nicky will be sharing a dorm without Andrew, Neil or Kevin). Like Andrew, I don’t think he would go out of his way to be antagonistic to the Fox that doesn’t want to be bet on, but I don’t think he’d be kind, either. I think this is another would/wouldn’t like Dan. However, unlike Dan I don’t think Aaron would try to be low-key, I think if there just happened to be a bet that he found genuinely interesting or thought he could win A Lot of Money (maybe to take Katelyn out on a nice date) he would participate & not really give a shit if the other Fox was bothered. As far as Aaron is concerned it’s not like he’s Punching You In the Face, so they’ll get over it.

Seth is dead, but we all know he would just be an Asshole and keep betting on them, regardless. Frankly, he’d probably bet on them MORE if they complained. For once he & Kevin would be united.

I think an important thing to remember about the Foxes is that they cannot be examined through a perspective of what… well-adjusted people would find acceptable either socially or in a friend group. They have very different lines of what is appropriate vs inappropriate & often fist-fight one another, verbally fight one another, cross boundaries & fail to get along - however, they can also be united against common enemies (such as Riko & the Ravens) as well as the fact that they are all seen as unwanted and disposable by the rest of the Exy community/the wider world & they can understand one another’s struggles, even if sometimes they don’t like one another/can clash.

I find sometimes there is a tendency to either (a) make the Foxes the Perfect Found Family and they’re all SUPER close and don’t have any conflicts/always get along/apologize to one another, which can make the Canon Foxes seem even WORSE in comparison, although I do find the Canon Foxes dynamics to be a lot more compelling than the sanitized Fanon dynamics. Or (b) to fixate on one Fox/a few Foxes being “victims” of the other Foxes bullying. I don’t think that is necessarily the case b/c ALL of the Foxes can be horrible to one another - either verbally or physically. I think cherry-picking can make it seem like this is not the case, however, when looking at the way the Foxes interact throughout AFTG… they’ve all had their moments of compassion & their moments if viciousness. And that is what makes them Foxes!

Neil who never lets Andrew carry his own bag through an airport or out of a stadium, even though Andrew is inarguably bigger and more muscled than him. Who always keeps the freezer stocked with ice cream no matter the circumstances. Who keeps a bubble of space around Andrew when they’re walking through thick crowds, always a bicep or an elbow in the way to stop people from getting too close. Who gets his wallet out every time they get dinner like Andrew doesn’t make 80% more than him. Always free shoulder and feet massages, post-game and in-bed and whenever, without Andrew ever having to ask. He always washes Andrew’s hair first in the shower, always cups the water away from his face so soap doesn’t get in his eyes.

Neil who is always down to do Anything Andrew Wants, Ever. Andrew wants to go on a drive in the middle of the night? Or an impromptu road trip in the off season? Sure, Neil’s grabbing the keys. On the road they pass a pungent, fresh-made bakery and Neil turns the car around without uttering a word. Neil, who, after years, always answers the phone when Andrew calls on the very first ring — who turns his full-attention to Andrew when he calls his name, even in the most crowded room. Who does pretty much anything Andrew asks of him and anticipates dozens of other wants and needs. Who always goes out of his way to make Andrew’s life easier. Neil, who puts Andrew above anything and everything else.

1. It’s overused and supports the current status quote of typical vampire supremacy:worshiping rich folk.

2. Vampires prey upon humans and therefore symbolize capitalists preying on the working class.

GRIME I say ‘tis dirty, wicked, foul, and dark -- An opportunity both miss’d and scorn’d -- That vampires of any shape or shade Would drink the blood of innocence most pure When Pepsi costs a dollar sev’nty five.

FIRST FOOL O lady, I must ask, and tell the truth: Wherever in this God’s green holy land Canst thou obtain this drink for such a fee? I’ve seen no less than fifty-five pence more.

GRIME A hospital, good sir.

SECOND FOOL (Does some figures)                                And might I ask Wherever in this land (of any hue) Is fellow who two dollar thirty pence Dost pay for si of Pep?

GRIME                                    Not I, i’faith. I pay a mere two shillings short of two. And, once again, I pay in hospital.

CANADIAN JESTER I pay a hefty two and half for mine. But in my blood runs maple syrup, too.

GRIME O Jester fine, I pray thee, still thyself. Thou stray’st from this, our mode of speaking here.

FIRST FOOL But blood costs naught but time.

SECOND JESTER                                                 Aye, that is true; But sir, remember this in figuring: A Pepsi, too, is free, if stolen ‘tis.

FIRST FOOL I see, but -- wait, another thought occurs. Wherefore, I ask thee, for what reason, sirs, Dost Lady Grime buy Pepsi from the house Of healing, birth, and death?

GRIME                                             ‘Tis simple, friend. Allow me to explain to thee the cause. The Pepsi sold by those who follow in The footsteps of St. Luke, Evangelist Is sold for a mere dollar sev’nty five.

FIRST HARLEQUIN (Aside, to SECOND HARLEQUIN) Why wouldst a vampire drink Pepsi, then?

SECOND HARLEQUIN (Aside, to FIRST HARLEQUIN) Why wouldst an honest man drink Pepsi, sir?

FIRST FOOL A femboy, it would seem.

(There is general applause and agreement.)

GRIME                                    O fool, a what?

Enter KONAHRIKS De’ACTIVAT EDZOZ ESQ., a SCHOLAR and WARD OF THE SKY.

WARD You see, my friends, this selfsame story tells The truth of why the incubus’s tale Is one that bears to no more to be declared. I’ll tell you all my reasons three. The first: The wealthy ghoul who drinks the common blood Is overused and stale, like molding bread; But also hangs upon the teller’s face A pallid, gasping idol worship mask. The second mark I tally here along: A vampire who sucks the blood from men Does hold up in the mind a mirror cold. This mirror shows that, far from fantasy, The vampire is real, ‘tis Elon Musk. The reason third is simple, clean, and pure: A werewolf’s just, like, sexier, my dudes.

(GRIME dances like a ferret. There is rejoicing.)

Exeunt.

Enter LARA, FELAGUND, and SHERLOCK, accompanied by the MANGO MERCHANT.

LARA I feel these words have struck me to my core. Is this, the world, collapsing to the ground Or is it just my weary, shaking soul?

FELAGUND ‘Twould seem my lady needs to see St. Luke.

SHERLOCK I’ve heard his fellows sell a Pepsi cheap.

(The MANGO MERCHANT offers a mango. All weep.)

“Lesson #1 how far can humans see”

but like…Becky, of course LGBTQ+ people existed before Stonewall. We’ve all existed since the beginning of time. But the movement got a shock to its senses, a jump-start, a rocket-into-space when that glass shattered via Marsha P. Johnson, and when Sylvia Rivera was up on-stage protesting guess who was on the sidelines heckling her?

Without a trans black woman, LGBT+ rights would not exist. Never forget. Never “pay it no mind”.