lu's blog

a few months ago i submitted a draft of a kevjean fic for a fiction writing class and my professor (who had never heard of the aftg books in his life btw) gave me some of the most INSANE feedback ever....because what do you mean "we're getting kevin's idea of jean, the absence-shaped jean, the jean whose success kevin made possible by sending him away" and "jean is a person, not a wound kevin is still tending" and "kevin and jean share something that can't be named because its context was unspeakable" and "kevin understands the grammar of the nest: you can protect someone only by protecting them sideways" and "someone who is both present and unreachable. that's kevin's situation with jean." what the fuck. what the actual fuck. i'm going to throw up.

realizing that my fic won’t be finished unless i finish it…this life is a prison

i have this theory that jean's big cathartic moment at the end of tgr when he breaks down and admits he didn't deserve the sexual abuse he experienced is actually preceded by a more subtle version of this moment, one made possible by the fact that it involves the only other person who can understand what he's been through. when andrew realizes that neil could have been similarly abused at evermore, he asks jean to confirm or deny it. jean tells him that it would not have been an appropriate punishment for neil, and andrew, clearly shaken and unimpressed with this answer, presses the issue, asking what circumstances would have made it appropriate. it is jean's response to this that i find most revealing: he says, "you of all people should not have to ask." yes, this is a pointed reference to andrew's own experiences with sexual abuse, but what is jean actually saying? i think he's saying, "you of all people should know there is nothing that could possibly justify it. of course there isn't. but your abusers will tell you there is, and you'll believe them because how else can you make sense of what is happening to you." after he says this, jean digs a thumb into andrew's wrist and drags it up his forearm, where he knows from riko that andrew has self-harm scars. this is him driving home the point, saying "you've had to do things to survive too." because that's what jean's deep-seated conviction of "deserving it" is— a survival mechanism. and at the end of tgr, he finally feels safe enough to let it go.

brazilian!matt boyd headcanon is very dear to me…his mother’s family is from bahia i just know it

i love drama and angst, which means i've read virtually every breakup-and-makeup andreil fic that i've been able to get my hands on. in the process, i've observed that authors tend to take one of two approaches to writing these. they take either (a) a character-based approach or (b) a circumstance-based approach. more often then not, it is the former, which is why more often than not, i do not find these fics very compelling. given how compatible andrew and neil's personalities are in canon, it's just not believable that either would suddenly think the other deserves better than him, or that andrew would cheat as a form of self-sabatoge, or that neil would take issue with not using traditional labels, or that they wouldn't be able to work through nasty arguments, or that either's trauma would lead him to treat the other poorly. what i do find compelling, however, are fics that take a circumstance-based approach to an andreil breakup. for example, fics that are set during neil's fifth year at palmetto state, when andrew has graduated and begun his career as a professional athlete. unless andrew signs with a nearby team, this usually results in the two attempting a long-distance relationship. and the idea that they would struggle to rely on weekly phone calls filled with "how are you" talk? that the old fear of abandonment would sink its claws deeply into both of them ? that the few days they do have together would be haunted by all the moments they're missing in each other's lives? that they would fail to communicate any of this? now THAT i can actually believe. all this to say you should go read growing pains by @a03minyard. it's not exactly a breakup fic, but it’s a devastatingly in-character exploration of all of the above.

and if i said that that jeremy trying to yoyo in the scene where he and jean meet is a perfect introduction to his character. because think about it. yoyoing is an activity which many deem childish and useless. that said, it takes a lot of skill and practice to be able to do it well, and it's impressive when someone actually can. yoyoing can be read as a symbol for jeremy's optimism. at first, jean doesn't understand what kevin meant by saying [of the trojans] "their kindness matters." he assumes that jeremy's optimism is the result of naiveté, and that it is ultimately futile. as jean gets to know jeremy, however, he learns that he has suffered profoundly, and experiences negative emotions as regularly as anyone else. he realizes that jeremy is kind in spite of his sufffering, in spite of his capacity for cruelty, and that it makes a huge difference in the lives of his teammates and loved ones. like yoyoing, this is a difficult skill that jeremy has spent years honing, heedless of those who would dismiss it.

i will die on the hill that the aftg books are extremely well-written, and a great example of this is how nora depicts the dual nature of religion— specifically christianity. on the one hand, you have nicky’s parents, who embody everything horrible and reprehensible about it. they’re bigots. they put their gay son through conversion therapy, uncaring that it makes him depressed and suicidal. they force their religion onto others. they suppress a report of child sexual abuse and enable a predator to continue harming children. these are all qualities and actions that have undeniably characterized christianity for centuries, and continue to do so. on the other hand, however, you have nicky and renee, who embody postive takes on religon. despite being raised by such hateful people, nicky still believes in god. his personal deconstruction leads him to believe that true christianity champions love, and that his queerness does not preclude him from partaking in it. this is a journey that innumerable queer people undertake. renee is fascinating because she is an archetypal, new testament christian. she is the person with a dark and violent past that takes solace in being forgiven, reborn. her faith gives her the strength to overcome her suffering. it gives her the strength to be kind and protect others. when so much literature simplifies lived experiences to be aggressively pro or anti religion, these books achieve a remarkable amount of nuance. nora sakavic i will always defend you.