All Disaster Gays All The Time

To our dismay, the artist and author Marjane Satrapi has passed away.

As she wrote, ordinary Americans and Iranians have more in common with each other than we do with either of our governments, which have far too much in common with each other.

So, Westley has been a LOT of unpleasant shit to get back and has just found out his true love has moved on to become engaged to their local prince. He's confused. He's really pissed off. He misses whatever opportunity allowed him to follow Buttercup on her daily ride (didn't see her ride out, didn't hear about it, whatever), because he's following another opportunity into the castle to investigate Humperdink. Or else he sees Humperdink and Rugen riding off towards the Pit of Despair together and decides to follow them instead. Either way, Westley overhears the two men very casually discussing Humperdink's beautiful but forcibly gained fiancée and the kidnapping plot currently underway, and Westley realizes that Buttercup is about to DIE and he's very likely not going to be able to reach his true love in time. He still runs off, desperate and ready to die trying to save her.

And Westley is really much to late to cross the water and climb the Cliffs of Insanity and all that, because Buttercup and her kidnappers are already at the border with Guilder. It's fine though, because when Fezzik and Inigo are confronted with the murder part of the job, they object, and Fezzik ultimately decides that he's really not cool with it. Fezzik thumps Vizzini over the head while Vizzini is berating Inigo. Fezzik apologizes to Buttercup. Inigo looks at the unconscious (possibly dead, heavily concussed at least) Vizzini, shrugs, and then helps Fezzik untie Buttercup and apologizes as well.

It's more than a little awkward, because none of them really know what to do besides wander vaguely back towards Florin. Buttercup admits that she doesn't really want to marry the prince, and he'll find her if she goes back to the farm, which leads into her telling the story of her dead true love, which Inigo and Fezzik find very romantic. Which leads into Fezzik and Inigo both sharing their own tragic backstories in turn. Buttercup is personally very intrigued by Inigo's mention of being in the revenge business.

And then Buttercup goes, "Wait a moment, I know a nobleman like that. Count Rugen is Prince Humperdink's closest friend and confidant, and he has six fingers on his right hand. I once had to sit next to them at a dinner table while they spent over an hour discussing all the troubles of finding a good glovemaker and skincare for their hands." (Rugen and his wife also once visited Buttercup and Westley's farm when they were younger, but Buttercup would more recently know Rugen from just... around the castle. Rugen is presumably going to be Humperdink's best man.)

So, Westley is like, "Where the HELL is the love of my life???" presumably harrassing Vizzini about it if Vizzini is still alive. And Humperdink has his theatric rescue party together to find Buttercup's body on the border, unknowingly following behind a rushing and frantic Westley, trying to keep his lies straight while he's internally like, "What the HELL happened to my kidnapping and murder plot to invite a war??? Rugen, I thought you hired the best??? It's so hard to find good help these days!"

Meanwhile, Buttercup, Fezzik, and Inigo are on a new friendship quest back to Count Rugen's house. Buttercup is the future princess, and so is presumably already acquainted with Rugen's young and beautiful wife, who has to let her in and be a good hostess. The Countess is like, "Buttercup... Who are these unkempt and intimidating men...?"

I *know* that in the original, Buttercup and Westley had this grand romance and Inigo took over the Dread Pirate Roberts name and Fezzik...did something. Did he have a plan? Maybe he becomes Inigo's first mate.

But imagine:

Humperdink and various soldiers catch up to Westley and the extremely useless Vizzini. Westley, recognizing the murderous fiance of his beloved, talks a good line and gets himself in Humperdink's...not good graces, the man is too suspicious for that, but at least begrudged tolerance.

Vizzini, of course, is executed before he can spill the beans. Or at least is gagged and taken to Rugen's secret torture dungeon. No big loss.

So that party heads back to the castle with the prince in A Mood (TM), and he's demanding someone bring him Rugen before he's even through the castle gates.

Meanwhile, back at Rugen's ACTUAL home (mini castle), Inigo is giving Buttercup a swordfighting lesson to pass the time and Fezzik is helping out with all those little chores that pile up while the lord is away. Like rearranging the furniture single handedly. The countess is actually quite charmed - he's very careful, and he keeps offering excellent suggestions about where to place different pieces for easiest use, and he doesn't mind moving things over and over when she changes her mind!

Anyway, the Nice Old King dies, poor man, and Humperdink summons all his nobles so he can rush through a coronation. Lady Rugen is all over the place, not knowing what to do, but she escorts Princess Buttercup and her sworn knights (aka they escort Lady Rugen) back to the capitol.

Something something, Inigo and Westley nearly come to blows over "that's my girl!" but then Humperdink opens his big dumb mouth and suddenly it's Westley and Inigo (and Fezzik) vs Humperdink and Rugen, and there's really only one way this can go.

Westley is now the king by right of conquest, assuming he even wants it, and Buttercup is putting her foot down that they are NOT breaking up their fun new gang, and Inigo and Fezzik are like "idc, man, whatever you want."

Anyway, Buttercup decides that SHE will be reigning queen, in her own name, and Prince Westley will be her consort and Inigo, newly ennobled as a count, will be her chief advisor. (And their lover, shhh.) Fezzik leads the Queen's Guard, and between him and Inigo, they whip everyone into actual effectiveness. Former-Countess Rugen becomes a lady-in-waiting to the Queen, which she likes much better than marriage to a man who plans wars and assassinations and new torture methods.

I'm not sure how Miracle Max fits in, but he definitely gets invited back to the castle. Maybe he revives the previous king ("he was only MOSTLY dead!" - Humperdink is terrible at poisoning), who then supports Buttercup's claim to the throne. He likes her, she's clever AND kind. The kingdom could use more of that.