Cresstic

Family portrait for @cresstic over on ko-fi.

Honestly tho, in terms of lazy chill I don’t think anyone’s gonna beat this bear:

Some varients of this flag idea for you! (@mars-doesnt-exist)

and

it’s fun to watch conservatives get pissed that they can’t shop at target anymore because the big bad rainbows will corrupt their children :(

and

the existence of rainbow capitalism in the first place proves that society is now in a place where supporting queer people is the more profitable and thus more popular opinion and that means something

You go out with your friend and you play and chat and laugh, but you can never quite feel that it's really happening, never quite achieve 'having fun'.

You cuddle with your pet and you wanna feel like you're there and be present and enjoy what's supposed to be a really cute, pleasant time, but you just... can't.

You sit in a beautiful garden or forest and you want so badly to immerse yourself in nature and the feeling of being close to it, but it never happens.

Here it is.

I got 53.93

dpdr, dp/dr, or dpd stands for depersonalization-derealization disorder, a dissociative disorder where one experiences either continuous or persistent, repeated episodes of depersonalization and/or derealization.

depersonalization: a type of dissociation, disconnect from one's self or feeling as though one's self/identity isn't one's own

derealization: a type of dissociation, disconnect from one's surroundings that causes feeling as though oneself or one's surroundings aren't real

both of these can be scary as hell, especially if you don't know what it is. the wikipedia page for dpdr literally includes this statement:

Recognizing and diagnosing the condition may in itself have therapeutic benefits, many patients express their problems as baffling and unique to them, but are in fact: one, recognized and described by psychiatry; and two, those affected by it are not the only individuals to be affected from the condition.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization-derealization_disorder

This is something I can attest to with my own experiences! It was EXTREMELY DISTRESSING to depersonalize on and off for months before finally coming across the term 'depersonalization' and realizing, 'oh, that's what's happening to me.'

of course it still fucking sucks even knowing what's going on. when i'm depersonalizing (my dpdr is episodic and wayy more heavy on the depersonalization, though derealization does occur for me occasionally) it gets super hard to do things and talk to people. it's hard to even explain how and why because that's another thing! dpdr is so hard to explain. especially if you don't know there's a WORD for it!! which makes it even more isolating.

that's the thing about it. the isolation. that's why i'm making this post! for everyone who experiences this, and thinks they're the only one: you're not alone. listen, if you depersonalize, derealize, or both, and are scared, ashamed, or even don't mind but don't know what it is, listen: you're not alone.

i'm going to admit something here, because it's something i've never heard anyone else talk about, but i'm sure there's other people who deal with this. this is pretty embarrassing for me, but it shouldn't be! i can't control it and it sucks to experience. often when i'm depersonalizing, it's not just a vague 'away' from myself, but also 'towards' a fictional character. this is kind of hard to explain. i'll feel like i was, should be, or should have been, someone/something else, even knowing for certain it's just me.

tl;dr depersonalization-derealization disorder exists and isn't talked about enough, and if you have dpdr, you're not alone

(This user and this post supports self-diagnosis!)

(Please do not say 'this sounds like [x]' or try to argue with me about my own depersonalization. i promise, whatever possibility you're thinking of, I've already thoroughly considered it. i know my brain better than you do.)

(This post is ok for anyone to rb! Seriously, I want to spread the word)