Lezian Attempts to Use The Five Love Languages to Flirt with Kaladin
Lezian flirting with Kaladin requested by anon. :)
The so-called "five love languages" are scientifically bullshit, from what I understand, but does Lezian know that? No! Does he have any way of knowing about those "love languages" anyway, being a Fused from Roshar in a fantasy novel? No! But he's going to try to use them anyway. In his ongoing mission to flirt with Kaladin.
1. Physical Touch
Lezian: [Breaks off his own elbow spur and stabs Kaladin so deeply that his hand is resting against Kaladin's chest] Lezian: I can feel your heart beating. Lezian: ... Lezian: More and more slowly due to the stabbing, to be honest. Kaladin: [spitting up blood]
2. Physical Touch, Part 2
Lezian: [Grapples Kaladin from behind! To stab him repeatedly in the spine!] Lezian: Mmmm...your shoulders are so broad! Kaladin: [spitting up blood] Lezian: ... Lezian: I think humans were lying about the physical touch thing.
3. Gift-giving
Lezian: I have made you a shirt woven from my own hair. Kaladin: I...do not want that. Lezian: Are you CRAZY?! Do you know how SOFT and LUXURIOUS my hair is?! Kaladin: ... Kaladin: Can you go back to stabbing me?
4. Gift-giving, Part 2
Lezian: I understand that the human traitor Moash has been causing you endless difficulty, and that you wish him to be dead. Lezian: I have a...special present for you. Kaladin: D-Did.... Did you kill Moash?? Lezian: Um, how DARE you Lezian: I would NEVER kill someone else's prey and frankly I am insulted that you would assume that?? Lezian: Anyway, I made you this dagger out of my shoulder spur and I named it "Moash-Slayer." Kaladin: Please stop giving me gifts constructed out of your own body. Lezian: ... Lezian: The humans lied about gift-giving too!
5. Quality time
Kaladin: [Stops dead halfway down a hallway in Urithiru] Kaladin: I can sense you back there. Lezian: Finally! I've been following you for three days! Lezian: You sleep in strange positions. Kaladian: You've been watching me sleep?! Lezian: Is that lust or anger in your voice? Kaladin: IT'S ANGER Lezian: I'm getting closer.
6. Quality Time, Part 2
Lezian: Listen up! Lezian: Wherever you go, I will be there. Lezian: No matter where you run, I will follow. Lezian: No matter how you try to hide, I will find you. Lezian: ... Lezian: How do that make you feel? Kaladin: Bad. Lezian: As in down bad??? Kaladin: No. Lezian: ... Lezian: Every single one of these is a lie!
7. Words of Affirmation
Lezian: Kaladin Stormblessed, you are the most worthy prey that I have ever hunted. Lezian: I dream of your agonizing death at my hands. Kaladin: ...Something about your tone is different. It creeps me out. Lezian: That is progress!
8. Words of Affirmation, Part 2
Lezian: At first, I hunted you because I wanted you dead. Lezian: Now, I hunt you because I want you. (Dead.) Kaladin: So....no change then? Lezian: DID YOU NOT HEAR THE PARENTHESES?! Lezian: HUMANS ARE LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE
9. Acts of Service
Lezian: Hand over your spear. I will polish it for you. And yes. I will use my hair. Kaladin: I am NOT giving you my weapon. Lezian: If you prefer, I could also "polish" your "spear." Kaladin: Repeating youself won't change my answer. Lezian: What is the POINT of PUNCTUATION if humans can't even HEAR it
10. Acts of Service, Part 2
Lezian: Kaladin Stormblessed, nothing I have tried has worked. Kaladin: Yes, well, I am very hard to kill. Lezian: I am not referring to that. Lezian: Tell me what you want. I will prove my intentions by performing the action at your request. Kaladin: Can you leave me alone and also die? Lezian: ... Lezian: So NONE of my flirting has worked? Not even a LITTLE? Kaladin: ... Kaladin: ... Kaladin: WHAT PART OF THAT WAS FLIRTING
