Chronically Casper

I'm baaaack!

After a rather long absence, generally life getting in the way, I am back & writing again :)

Hope everyone is doing as well as can be ❤

I got back to doing my physical therapy exercises again yesterday after about 3 or 4 months of not doing them, and around 6 months before that of only doing them intermittently. Sweet lord am I aching!

My joints hurt, my muscles feel heavy and weak. But I know I need to work through it and push myself back into my regular PT. Otherwise I'll end up back at square one having to do rehab PT and that kills me.

When I get overwhelmed I either blurt out everything, including things I don't mean. Or I shut down, complete silence, no interaction.

When I get overwhelmed I stop breathing. Or I hyperventilate.

When I get overwhelmed I disassociate. Or I lash out, cry, panic.

When I get overwhelmed I can sometimes remain outwardly calm. Or I start ticking and involuntarily hurt myself.

When I get overwhelmed I don't just have one reaction, it can vary on how much it effects me. I can deal with it, or I can have an absolute meltdown. It's like an emotional wheel of fortune from hell.

Wow! 550 followers…Thank you guys so much!

You are all wonderful, beautiful human beings. Thank you all for following me and supporting me, I probably wouldn’t still be running this blog if it wasn’t for all you guys being generally awesome people. If I could hug all of you I would :)

"I'm fine" is a lie that I tell every person I've ever met. Strangers, friends, family...everyone.

It's so much easier to say "I'm fine" when somebody asks how you're doing.

First of all I don't know how much a person really wants to know...do I tell them that I'm feeling ill? Do I tell them that I'm depressed? Do I say that I can't actually remember the last time that I slept through the night? Do I share how much pain I'm in because of this damn illness? Do I tell them I feel hopeless because I know there's no cure for the condition that I have?

Secondly, I think that most people just ask how I'm doing out of politeness or social convention. They don't really care, they just want to fulfill their part of the social contract. They'd much rather you just say "I'm fine" it's the most comfortable response.

If you just say "I'm fine" then it stops the dozens of other questions; Have you seen a doctor? Have you tried this? Have you tried that? Aren't you too young to be sick?

Saying "I'm fine" means that the people who try to help me feel okay. They feel like they're doing something that makes me better. They don't feel like no matter what they do I'm still not okay...they don't feel guilty. They don't look at me with that "I'm sorry" expression, a face full of pity.

There is a difference between chronic pain and acute pain. A difference that those who’ve never experienced chronic pain don’t seem to understand.

“I know how you feel, I broke my leg once and it hurt for a couple of months.”

“D'you know, I pulled a muscle in my back and it hurt for a few weeks, I get it…”

No, you don’t understand. I’m not saying that your acute pain is not valid. I’m not making it a competition. You were in pain, that is awful, it’s awful for anybody to be in pain. But, you got better, the pain went away. If you have acute pain it is just that, it’s acute, it will go away.

If you have chronic pain it is there every single day, some days worse than others. Chronic pain never goes away. It wears you down every day and you have to live in the knowledge that the best you can hope for is that the pain is bearable. The best you can hope for is pain management. No recovery.

Patrick (boyfriend) is asleep next to me and I'm trying not to fidget too much because I don't wanna wake him. But I can't get comfortable. My hips feel like they're full of rust and broken glass. The nerves running down my spine, wrapped around my pelvis, networked through my legs are on fire. Like live electricity with no insulation. It burns, my nerve endings are on fire. It's such a weird kind of pain. Before I got sick I'd never felt anything like it.

I need some damn sleep! Meant to be going to Dublin with Patrick tomorrow. My freaking head is killing from lack of sleep. Oh man. I can't actually deal with this right now. All I wanna do is fucking sleep!!

I apologise in advance for the long text post but a lot has happened in the time I’ve been inactive. I’m also sorry for being inactive for so long, it’s been a very stressful time…

Okay, so, literally everything has changed. First of all, the relationship I was in ended, it had reached a point where it was just impossible to reconcile the things that were going wrong and the best decision was to call it a day and leave it as amicable as possible.

I felt physically okay for a while, I was even working and going out etc. I was still symptomatic but in a manageable way. Unfortunately, as we all know, it didn’t last. My symptoms have once again been getting worse and worse, and I’m anxious that it may again just be the beginning of it, that the autoimmune monster that had been hiding under the bed for a while is coming back, rested and as malicious as ever.

On a much brighter note, I have met someone…honestly I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like him. For a start he’s honest, sometimes offensively so, but honest nonetheless. Anyway, there’ll most probably be a lot more written about him as time goes on. He’s the reason for the other big change, and by far the most absurd of them…I have moved from the little Spanish Island I had called home, over 2000 kilometers, to Ireland. Absolutely ridiculous! But the only way to really give us a fair chance to work, and really, why not?

So, the long and short of it, the past few months have been extremely stressful and a hell of a lot has changed. Hopefully I should now have the time, energy and motivation to continue with my regular posts and replies etc.

Thank you guys for sticking with me, you’re all beautiful human beings and if I could give all of you a gentle hug then I would.

TL;DR…Casper left ex, got better then sick again. Met someone and moved country. STRESS. Will resume normal posting shortly.

Thanks again my lovelies,

Cas