David Heslop

Ten: Ben Grimm (The Fantastic Four: First Steps, 2025)

I might have some issues with this, both logistically and aesthetically, but I had to include it because: the Thing has a beard? Eh? How does that work? Is it just the rocks on his chin that... grow, or do they also grow... elsewhere? I feel like Marvel have opened a Pandora’s Box here and it doesn’t bear thinking about the ramifications.

Nine: T’Challa (Black Panther, 2018)

When we first meet T’Challa in Civil War, he’s sporting a very thinly-trimmed goatee. By the time he stars in his own film, he’s allowed it to fill out a bit more, and it looks a lot better. It's still a bit too fiddly-looking for my tastes, but it suits his personality: it looks modern and cool, but also gives him a bit of kingly gravitas.

Eight: Tony Stark (Iron Man, 2008)

Tony’s beard is iconic but it’s also a bit dumb. A very neatly-trimmed and angular goatee that looks like it’d be a nightmare to maintain. On the other hand, it’s stylised enough to feel like a signature, and its hard edges reflects his high-tech futurist persona, and the sheer fact that it looks like it requires daily upkeep suggests the owner of the beard is someone with the time and the money to employ a full-time beard specialist in his entourage. The fact it doesn’t seem to change much either when he’s in captivity or lost in space does imply he’s using some kind of advanced technology to keep it neat.

Seven: Odin (Thor: Ragnarok, 2017)

A powerful king like Odin needs a big bushy beard to show off his inherent kingliness, and this doesn’t disappoint. He doesn’t go the Full Gandalf, but it’s more than just a robust growth: there’s a distinct amount of work done to this, as befits his status as, like, one of the most powerful beings in the cosmos. It practically screams “king”, and to be honest it goes quite a long way to screaming “god” too. I've gone with Ragnarok because it looks just a shade longer, which I like.

Six: Alexei Shostakov (Thunderbolts*, 2025)

Ah, my beloved Red Guardian. The worst part of Thunderbolts* is right at the end when we see he’s trimmed his beard, urgh. But the frankly massive fizzog shield he’s got in this is a delight. In Black Widow, when he’s in prison, it’s wilder and woollier; here, he’s definitely keeping on top of it, but it’s still got a sense of danger to it. It's big and it may at any moment escape containment. It perfectly marries with his character: crazy, silly, but adorable.

Five: Nick Fury (Secret Invasion, 2023)

You're not going to see Secret Invasion crop up on many Top Tens, but I can’t not mention Fury’s amazing mouth merkin. On the one hand, we contrast it with his incredibly groomed, neat little beard from his earlier MCU appearances: this is the wild growth of a man off his game. It’s facial hair as character development. But on the other hand, what a beard: bold, beautiful, and bushy, and the grey adds even more gravitas to Fury’s already-impressive aura.

Four: Thor (Avengers: Endgame, 2019)

Thor has, on balance, had the best beards of the MCU. His initial look was a bit “Obi-Wan in Episode II”: too thin, tepid, pale. By the time of Ragnarok and Infinity War, it was thicker and darker, and it looked amazing. However, I’m going for his OTT Endgame look, because, well, it’s just badass. When he Thors Out at the end, his damn beard is plaited. He’s full-on superhero space Viking, and it’s incredibly cool. It's a bit of a shame he got fit, really!

Three: Frank Castle (The Punisher: One Last Kill, 2026)

The guy who inspired it all has to have a place. Frank’s beard might be unkempt and definitely born out of trauma and despair, but it still looks great. He just suits a beard, even if the character doesn’t really have one in the comics. It's dark, like his psyche, but it’s also thick and strong, because he’s a Great Big Manly Man. It’s a beautiful testament to check forestry. He appears to have shaved it off by the time of Spider-Man: Brand New Day; but, to be fair, he probably found it was hard work cleaning all the mobster blood out of it after he stabbed them to death with a biro.

Two: Ego (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, 2017)

Broadly similar to Odin’s beard, and occupying an adjacent niche of “powerful space god”, Ego’s boy-bristles get a higher spot because it’s a fuller, rounder, more voluminous experience. This is a broad, soft, incredibly coiffed beard: big, grey, and seeming like it’d be soft to the touch. It’s the beard of an older man, for sure, but it doesn’t really give off Old Man the way Odin’s does: there’s still a suavity there, as befits a character whose whole deal is sowing his wild oats across the universe. It’s the beard we’d all like to have when we grow up, but we also have to acknowledge that only of us gets to be Kurt Russell.

One: Steve Rogers (Avengers: Infinity War, 2018)

Utterly stealing Thor’s thunder (see what I did there?) comes Captain America himself. This is, again, beard as storytelling tool: it conveys his journey from the idealistic youth of The First Avenger. He's on the run, so who has time to shave? But beards connote not just masculinity but maturity: he’s weathered, aged, grown wiser through his mistakes. He’s a leader, both of a team and also, morally, of a nation. And the darker blonde in the beard matches his darker outlook – and, indeed, his darker uniform, the gaudier colours blacked out. It's also a realistic beard: unlike some of these, you could just have this beard and you’d look great going to Asda! In a very real sense, it is America’s Beard, and I bet Scott Lang would love it.

Ten: Anakin Skywalker (The Empire Strikes Back, 1980)

Anakin’s whole deal could really be defined by his being a father. As soon as he discovers he has a son, his attitude and aims change: he ceases to be a mere pawn of the Emperor and seeks to be close to Luke. True, he’s still at that point an evil Sith Lord and wants Luke to join him as his apprentice, but still: he cares. And, of course, it’s the love of his son – and love for his son – that ultimately compels him to kill the Emperor and return to the light. He’s the franchise’s most important parent, but let’s be honest, trying to co-opt your kids into your creepy death cult isn’t the greatest dad move, so he’s here near the bottom of the list.

Nine: Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars, 1977)

Old Ben is interesting, because really he had two shots to raise a kid, and you could argue he cocked it up both times. He was too young, really, to be saddled with the responsibility of training Anakin; but, of course, younger men have had fatherhood thrust upon them and done a better job. He tried, bless him, but his strict interpretation of Jedi codes wouldn’t allow him to be flexible to Anakin’s needs, especially with the Dark Lord of the Sith looming. So as much as he loved Anakin, as much as he tried to shape him into a good man, we have to acknowledge his failure. And then with Luke, he was a bit better in terms of offering training and advice, but he still lacked the courage of belief to accept that peace and forgiveness was the path to redemption, and not going in swinging. So: nice guy; great beard; spotty record as a parent.

Eight: Han Solo and Leia Organa (Star Wars: The Force Awakens, 2015)

I’ve lumped them together because they’re the first actual couple we’ve encountered (by the time Anakin knew he was a parent, Padme was already dead, hence her not being counted here). I don’t blame them at all for what happened to their son, Ben; they tried their best, and even after being defeated they still believed in him, believed he could return. In  fact, they both bet their lives on it, and in a way they both sacrificed themselves to help bring Ben back from the Dark Side. But still, they did raise a mass murderer, so, y’know, swings and roundabouts.

Seven: Jango Fett (Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, 2002)

Jango is a little bit like Vader or Jabba, I guess, in that he clearly loves his son, but he’s not the most ideal parental role model. Raising little Boba, teaching him, spending time with him, is clearly a big deal for Jango; he loves having a kid, and there’s a real tenderness between the two of them. But then, he’s training Boba to be a ruthless assassin and criminal, so is that really a good thing? Plus it’s a little bit narcissistic if your child is an exact clone of yourself. I mean, make the kid ginger or something, just to differentiate.

Six: Qui-Gon Jinn (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1999)

Of all the parental types we’ve had so far, I think Qui-Gon is probably the healthiest. He sees the humanity in Anakin as well as the power and potential; he’s willing to defy the Jedi Council to teach the boy. I like to think he understands that someone as strong with the Force as Anakin needs a soft hand and close, emotional guidance, rather than the doctrine of the Jedi. His last thoughts are about Anakin’s welfare, pleading with Obi-Wan to see the good in him and help to bring it out. I do wonder what would have become of Anakin had Qui-Gon survived.

Five: Luthen Rael (Andor, 2022)

There are two sides to Luthen, and it’s the kind of dichotomy that we see in a few of these parents. On the one hand, he’s a loving and attentive parent who has a great relationship with his adoptive daughter Kleya; on the other hand, he’s a violent revolutionary not afraid of cold-blooded murder if he thinks it’s in the greater good, and from the off he instructs her in his line of rebellious work. Luthen and Kleya are fascinating, complex characters, in many ways the heart of Andor, and their relationship is beautiful to behold. They bicker and joke the way parents and adult children often do, but they are clearly very close. Their dedication to the nascent Rebellion is reinforced by the love they have for one another: when an injured Luthen risks being compromised by the Empire, Kleya goes to extreme actions to prevent that happening because she knows it’s what he’d want, even though it breaks her heart. I mean, I guess that’s good parenting?

Four: Owen and Beru Lars (Star Wars, 1977)

The Lars get a bad rap. Owen is very grumpy, constantly chiding Luke to do his chores, and refusing to let him run off to have fun with his friends or – ye gods! – join the Imperial Academy. But there’s good reason! His dad fell to the Dark Side and massacred all the Jedi! So it’s understandable they want to keep Luke on a tight leash just in case. But think about it: they took in this kid, technically their nephew although there’s barely any relationship in place there, and raised him, fed him with lots of nice blue milk, despite knowing that at any point he might (a) develop freaky powers, (b) become the subject of a galaxy-wide manhunt by an evil space wizard, or (c) turn evil himself. And what thanks do they get? They get skeletonned. I mean, where’s the justice?

Three: Luke Skywalker (Star Wars: The Last Jedi, 2017)

Now, although he never mentions them, Luke owes Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru a great debt. You could argue that their down-to-Tatooine nature gave him a great grounding which prevented him from going off the rails. But sadly this wasn’t enough when he had a go at being a parental figure himself. He lost his cool teaching Ben Solo and then went full-bore grump with Rey. But I think there’s something supremely honest about his relationship with Rey; he doesn’t view the Force quite as reverentially as Obi-Wan did, and he really tries to instil not just a scepticism but also a respect of its power in Rey. And he’s open about his failings, and desperate for her not to make his mistakes. I think given time he’d have been a fantastic father figure for her, and even in the short time they spend together she’s a wonderful influence on him. We are what they grow beyond indeed.

Two: Maarva Andor (Andor, 2022)

So after a list of relatively famous names and faces, we come to what is perhaps the most obscure character but also clearly one of the best. Maarva, the adoptive mother of Cassian Andor, is brilliantly played by Fiona Shaw, is both nurturing and educating. She takes in Cassian as a child and, with her husband Clem, raises him as their son. However, they also become increasingly radicalised, and she tries to instil in him a rebellious nature that encourages him to kick back against the Empire – as well as, presumably, teaching him all sorts of criminal chicanery. She refuses to give in, stands her ground even when old and frail, and manages to deliver a rousing call to arms from beyond the grave. She’s the perfect combination of Star Wars’ sympathetic heart and its fighting spirit.

One: Din Djarin (The Mandalorian, 2019)

How many of these parents would throw out central tenets of their faith for their children? Din Djarin, so committed to his particular fundamentalist sect of Mandalorianism, repeatedly takes his helmet off because of his love for Grogu. It’s a slow-burn but incredibly powerful relationship, father and son, as Djarin risks everything and burns everyone for the protection of his little green baby. And even though he kills people for a living, he still finds time to be nurturing and caring, trying his very best to stop little Grogu eating too many biscuits (or frog-person babies). They’re just great together, their little back-and-forth banter and the subtle grace notes of their relationship, and as Grogu grows more powerful it’s also cool to see Djarin become more of a teacher. Perhaps it was inevitable that in the week The Mandalorian and Grogu comes out in cinemas that I’d rank the Mandalorian as the best Star Wars parent, but what can we say? This is the way.

Ten: Harry Stamper (Armageddon, 1998)

Propping up the list is this supreme bit of nineties cheese. Armageddon is a fantastically daft film, one in which every emotion is dialled so high that the speakers blow, every raised eyebrow scored to high-tension strings, and not a single brow is unmolested by beautifully photographed sweat. So of course it ends in the most melodramatic of moments, Bruce Willis’ grumpy oilman refusing to allow Ben Affleck’s young doofus to die detonating the bomb that will save the world. We’d all like to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man, etc etc etc.

Nine: Ellen Ripley (Alien3, 1992)

Lower down than maybe it could have been because it’s a tiny bit of a cheat: Ripley is dying anyway, a xenomorph queen embryo growing in her chest. It’s a fitting and symbolic end for the character after fighting these beasties across the universe and back again. But it’s her final act of defiance – throwing herself into molten steel to deny Weyland-Yutani the opportunity to get their hands on a baby alien – that cements her place. Holding the xenomorph to her chest as she falls to their collective doom is a great visual, and – all the other weirdness about Alien3 notwithstanding – a cool place to end. Er, until they didn’t.

Eight: Tony Stark (Avengers: Endgame, 2019)

Ah, my beloved MCU: where would we be without you? Probably one of the most iconic deaths of recent cinematic history, this is one of those neat pieces of long-form writing that knits together multiple threads – Tony’s ego, his protective streak, his technological nous – and gives us an epic finale as he uses his suit to steal the infinity stones and get rid of Thanos once and for all. His statement – “I am Iron Man” – obviously repeating his lines from the first MCU movie, a declaration that really set the nascent Marvel universe apart from the very secret-identity-focuses worlds of past superhero movies; and Pepper’s “you can rest now” adds to the tragic sauce.

Seven: Gordon Zellaby (Village of the Damned, 1960)

Okay, bit of a niche one perhaps, that’ll need a wee bit of explaining. A creepy, slow-burn sci-fi horror that follows a group of otherworldly children born to every woman in the village; as they grow their mental powers increase and it’s clear they’re up to no good. Enter schoolteacher Gordon Zellaby (George Sanders), who is attempting to dispose of the kids with a bomb hidden in his briefcase. They turn their telepathic gaze upon him, and to try to block them out he envisions a brick wall. We have moments of tension as we see the wall in his mind, cracking and straining as the kids try to force their way through, until eventually the bomb goes off and kills everyone – Zellaby included.

Six: Father Damien Karras (The Exorcist, 1973)

Another classic horror death! This one is really cool because not only is it a supreme act of self-sacrifice but also completes Father Karras’ arc as he reconciles and recovers his faith. At the climax of the exorcism of Regan MacNeil, he basically entices the demon Pazuzu into his own body, thus freeing Regan of her possession. At which point, he promptly hurls himself out of the nearest window and down a flight of incredibly painful-looking concrete steps, killing himself and thus preventing the Pazuzu within him from wreaking any more havoc. His willingness to both accept his lapsing faith and also risk the wrath of a demon elevates his sacrifice.

Five: Luke Skywalker (Star Wars: The Last Jedi, 2017)

I’m going there! I am! Despite what some would have you believe, Luke’s death in The Last Jedi is supremely heroic, noble, and a stunning display of powers. The whole film leads you to believe that Luke will, indeed, stride forth and rejoin the fight, wielding his lightsaber and facing down the First Order; meanwhile, Luke keeps trying to tell us that confronting violence with violence is not always the way, and that he can’t physically stop the First Order. So when he does step out onto that field to fight Kylo Ren, we think it’s a classic duel; but in reality he’s astrally projecting himself across the entire universe, fooling everyone into thinking he’s really there. The strain from his endeavours causes him to expire and rejoin the Force. It’s a brilliant ending to the movie, and to Luke; and, of course, the main reason he’s doing this is to give the Resistance time to escape. It’s a last-ditch suicide play to not only inspire people, to show them the way, but basically just to save his friends’ lives. And his final “See you round, kid,” to Kylo is a terrific last line.

Four: The Iron Giant (The Iron Giant, 1999)

Here we are, the best Superman film of all time. Yeah, I know: the Giant doesn’t actually die here, because the last thing we see is all the various cogs and bolts and screws and things slowly rebuilding themselves somewhere in the Arctic. But it doesn’t make his sacrifice less noble. With a nuclear missile about to kill everyone he cares about, he instantly flies up to intercept it; but what gets me – what makes this one of the greatest heroic deaths – is his reasoning. He embraces his freedom, eschewing his creation – he was a weapon – and choosing who he wants to be. And – this is the kicker – based on everything he’s been shown on Earth, who does he want to be? “Superman”. See, it’s not just about how heroic the Giant is; it’s about how heroic Superman is. The character so good, even a totally unrelated film manages to somehow be about him.

Three: Bing Bong (Inside Out, 2016)

Of all of these deaths, this one is the really tragic one; the one that really makes me cry ugly tears. Bing Bong, the silly, adorable little elephant-thingie with a cute song, an imaginary friend created by a tiny Riley, is about to be utterly, permanently forgotten by the now-adolescent Riley. But knowing that what Riley really needs is her Joy back – and her core memories – he sacrifices himself to allow Joy to escape forgetfulness, diving off the back of his super-powered kart to give Joy the lift she needs to get away. And thus he fades, destined to be forgotten, but not for a second regretting his choice; “take her to the moon for me”. It’s the way this act of heroism represents the growth of children – how in order to become the adults they need to be, they are forced to forget some of the things that made them children – that makes this one really sting; and, of course, Joy is the parent who will always remember the child, long after she’s grown up. Sorry, is someone cutting onions nearby…?

Two: Spock (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 1982)

We’re really hitting the icons now, aren’t we? For a long time this was the gold standard of cinematic death scenes. There’s a colossal weight behind it; this is Spock, for Christ’s sake. With the Enterprise crippled, he undertakes his own Kobayashi Maru and makes the logical decision to repair the engines despite knowing he’ll suffer a lethal dose of radiation. It’s only logical, after all; the needs of the many and all that. But Nimoy and Shatner put so much into their final scene, from Spock’s little tug to straighten is uniform, to Kirk not pressing the intercom properly, to their plaintive Vulcan greeting across the glass. “I am, and always will be, your friend,” he says, and he might as well be saying it to all of us. And thus a titan of sci-fi passes; an icon breathes his last. Of all the souls we have encountered in our travels, his was the most… hhhuman. And then he comes back to life, natch.

One: Boromir (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001)

If you’re going to do an heroic death, this is the way. Do I need to spell it out? Yes, Boromir done cocked up by trying to take the Ring; but that’s coz it was working its evil magic! Once it’s out of his system he comes to his senses, and by God, does he prove himself, facing down an army of Uruk-Hai single-handed, batting them away like flies. The sense of weight and grandeur given to this scene is immense, as he’s peppered with arrows, and time and again he rises, understanding the gravity of his task. You can see in his eyes that he knows it’s a failure, that he knows he’s already dead: but he refuses to stop, getting up again and again to fight off more Orcs. He absolutely must keep going until all the strength leaves his body. And, of course, he’s ultimately successful: yes, the hobbits are briefly captured, but his actions lead to the Ring going on its true course, and the hobbits engaging the help of the Ents. He kept his honour, he looked cool doing it, and it gave Sean Bean – king of the cinematic death scene – the most heroic of send-offs. Blow your horn, fellas.  

Yeah, so like I said, this was an incredibly hard list to finalise, even after I’d worked out all my little concessions and rules. Duncan Idaho from Dune was here for the longest time, but he just kept slipping further and further down; his demise a little bit too similar to Boromir’s, perhaps. I really wanted to include Nux from Fury Road because of his ark and how beautiful it is, and also because his death is the death of the film’s iconic War Rig too (I did at least paraphrase his last words right at the top). And then there were the likes of Leon, or Terminator 2’s Miles Dyson (who just missed out because he was kinda already dead meat before he decided to stay behind and set off the explosion). Yondu! Holdo! Arguably the entire cast of The Wild Bunch!

Ten: Timecop (1994)

A genuinely enjoyable, if very daft, sci-fi action film that centres on a terrific premise: officers who police the timeline, preventing manipulation of the past and chronal chicanery. The groundwork, and the rules, are all established here; and at the time of release, Jean Claude Van Damme was certainly a big enough star to carry a sequel. I mean, considering how many Universal Soldier movies they made, with and without JCVD, it’s surprising we never got Timecop 2. But it’s languishing at the bottom of this list because technically they did make a very short-lived TV show spin-off. But let’s face it, a movie would have been better.

Nine: Inception (2010)

I think it says something for the power of Christopher Nolan that even sixteen years ago he had the clout to make a massive, original sci-fi blockbuster that grossed nearly a billion dollars… and seemingly no one wanted to sequelise it. The setup is ripe for continuing adventures, too: a team of high-tech criminals who invade people’s dreams. The film spells out all the logic, and how that can lead to exciting set-pieces such as the famous rotating corridor sequence. Now, yes, it does have a famously enigmatic ending that I would not want messed with; but you could definitely have had more fun with the premise or the world. But this film is at nine because, really, we should celebrate these one-off, individual ideas more; I wouldn’t want anyone but Nolan really having a shot at Inception 2: Dream a Little Bigger, Darling, and it’s kinda nice at the end of the day that we just had this one spin of the top. But if I could plant an idea in Chris’ head…

Eight: Commando (1985)

When I started writing this list I was a little bit worried it would just degenerate into a bunch of Sly and Arnie films from the eighties; those guys made a lot of – frankly pretty cool – one-off action movies. Nevertheless, Commando feels like it could have been the beginnings almost of a Rambo-style franchise for Big Arn. His John Matrix is just the right mix of badass cool and preposterous silliness; he gets cool one-liners after he kills people (“He’s dead tired”; “I let him go”); and, yes, there is outrageous and over-the-top action. A Commando sequel was, apparently, in the works for a while, and Arnold has even suggested it still might appear; but it would have been cool to see Matrix once more dragged out of retirement with Chenny forty years ago.

Seven: Event Horizon (1997)

It doesn’t have to be big, explosive action movies that deserved a sequel. Horror movies often start big, long-running franchises; and Paul W.S. Anderson’s has the benefit of being both an intensely creepy, demonic horror film of both supernatural and psychological chills, as well as a cool sci-fi with great production design, modelwork, and – yes – some big explodey bits. Famously a critical and commercial flop on release, on the one hand it’s unsurprising it never got a sequel; and, indeed, it has a great ending that doesn’t need unpicking. But a follow-up featuring the return of the Event Horizon? I’m kinda surprised they didn’t even try it as a straight-to-DVD movie in the mid-noughties.  

Six: The Last Boy Scout (1991)

This is another one that could have been said to underperform, hence no sequel. But another big Shane Black-written action-buddy-comedy – Lethal Weapon – ended up with three sequels (and Mel’s threatening a fifth), so it’s a shame this delightful, knockabout, hilarious little film only had one go. Bruce Willis is slobby, grumpy, and very funny; Damon Wayans is cool; and it does some good work undercutting its own badassedness (Willis begins the film learning his wife’s having an affair). I’d have loved to see them trading barbs and punches one more time.

Five: The Fifth Element (1997)

Oh, hey, welcome back, Bruce. I’m gonna deal with the elephant in the room right away and say I’m not really in any rush to see another Luc Besson film; but this film had such a cool, unique sense of style and identity that I do think it’s a shame we only got to experience it once. It’s hard to imagine now, but for the longest time we didn’t get complete sci-fi worlds: this film came out before the Star Wars prequels, and gridlocked hovercars in a futuristic cityscape was mind-blowing, visually, before we even got to the really trippy stuff (like Gary Oldman’s accent). The film does feel rather wrapped up, plot-wise, to be honest, but that never really stopped the likes of Star Wars, so I’m sure some other space-nasty could see Corben Dallas and Leeloo venture out once more. Not now though; let’s leave it be. Circa 2000? Yeah, I’d have been down.

Four: True Lies (1994)

Yep, Arnold’s back. This spy movie is, in many ways, something of a Bond parody: it’s certainly very funny, with the playful back-and-forth between Arnie and Jamie Lee Curtis, inept terrorists, and Tom Arnold providing wisecracks. Yeah, okay, there are some dodgy, dated bits; but there was certainly enough here to suggest further adventures for Harry and Helen Tasker, especially with an ending that basically establishes her as his new partner. And it’s not as if James Cameron is against sequels! And this film was a huge hit at the time, as well. Oh, and I am aware that after claiming these were all, to the best of my knowledge, “original” films, True Lies is a remake. But, y’know, the sequel would have been original!

Three: Galaxy Quest (1999)

A delightful sci-fi comedy that, like a lot of these films now I come to think about it, succeeds on the strength of its characters. It’s also another film that ends with our heroes off on more continuing adventures: they’ve got their TV show back, and there’s a whole galaxy out there that they’ve just prodded a stick at. Who knows what other weird aliens could come crawling out of the cosmos? Basically, another, er, quest through the galaxy would totally have made sense, and it’s not as if they’re having to pay a Schwarzenegger-sized salary to anybody. Incidentally, Tim Allen had this and Toy Story 2 in the same year, which is an incredible achievement for anybody, let alone Tim Allen.

Two: The Rock (1996)

In a way, The Rock is very one-and-done. I mean, how many times do terrorists take over Alcatraz and you need to team up a mild-mannered chemist with a sexagenarian secret agent to break into an unbreakable prison? It’s a fantastic high concept for a fantastic action movie, but it doesn’t lend itself to further adventures. On the other hand, the film ends with Nicolas Cage’s Stanley Goodspeed in possession of a sensitive government data; one could imagine him going on the run and needing Sean Connery’s help to get the goons off his back. Or maybe John Spencer tracks down Connery’s supposedly-deceased John Mason and Nic has to run and warn him? Whatever, it’s the characters – and the slightly-OTT world they inhabited – that were the real stars; and there was enough there to allow for a further bite of the apple. And y’know what? Even though some of the principles are sadly no longer with us, I’d still get excited if I heard Cage was gonna tell someone they were the Rocket Man one last time.

One: Demolition Man (1993)

This one has it all: a fresh and distinctive sci-fi setting; the sort of procedural status quo that allows for new adventures; a fresh hook – defrosted super-criminals! – that can sustain more than one story; great characters; and big action superstar from the eighties. It’s shocking, really, that we never got more than one Demolition Man. What became of the future after the death of Dr. Cocteau? Who else was put in the cryo-prison? What’s the rest of America like if San Andreas was so seemingly perfect? And, most importantly, how do the three seashells work? Okay, yeah, maybe some of the quirkier “perfect future” edges would have been sanded down; and, again, it’s nice to have this one shining gem of a mid-nineties action movie. But unlike the future worlds of Blade Runner or RoboCop or The Terminator, we’ve only really visited San Andreas once, and on balance that’s a bit of a shame. Even if Stallone in Judge Dredd was almost a photo negative reproduction, it still wasn’t quite the same. Be well, John Spartan. Be well.

Ten: The “I hate working here” guy (Iron Man 3, 2013)

So we’re kicking things off with a fantastic scene that is also a bit of a cheat – hence it’s placement at number ten. Because technically this is one guy who doesn’t die. After a protracted, hilarious, and ingeniously-choreographed action sequence where Tony Stark is trying to assemble his modular armour whilst fighting off a room of goons – flying with only one boot, shooting with one glove, that sort of thing – he gets down to one last bloke aiming a gun at him. Said final guy immediately throws his hands in the air to surrender, saying “I hate working here, they’re so weird.” Comedy gold!

Nine: The washing machine (Ready or Not: Here I Come, 2026)

I was a bit worried this was recency bias talking, but Samara Weaving’s Grace kills a lot of people across these two films, and this one is the stand-out, gross-out, hilarious death. Grace and her sister Faith (Kathryn Newton) manage to briefly overpower their pursuer Viraj (Nadeem Umar-Khitab) and shove him into a large industrial washing machine. It’s a comic delight as he screams amidst the boiling water, and the slow shift in the sisters’ expressions from elation at the victory to realising they’ve just killed a man in a horrible way is hilarious. And then, Grace has to search his burned and mangled body, gipping as she peels clothes away from runny flesh. Like I said, hilarious!

Eight: The cigarette (The Last Boy Scout, 1992)

Going slightly more serious – although sticking in the same Shane Black world as Iron Man 3 – is this underrated Bruce Willis joint. As PI Joe Hallenbeck, he finds himself captured by a couple of henchmen, sitting on a nice chair in a plush mansion awaiting the boss. One of the goons - Chet (Kim Coates) - toys with him, punching Joe whenever he asks for a cigarette; “do that again and I’ll kill ya,” says Joe. Chet – clearly never having seen Die Hard – hits him again, at which point Joe whacks him in the face and shoves his nose through his brain (a move which I feel was more famous in the nineties than it is now). The sequence is sudden and brutal but also – whisper it – pretty funny.

Seven: The book (John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum, 2019)

So we’re getting to a point of order here which is: what is a “henchman”? Because a lot of the people John Wick seems to fight tend to be individual, rival hitman rather than the hired lackeys of some Big Bad. And so, in Chapter 3, quite early doors, the recently-excommunicado Johnathan comes across a frankly colossal adversary in a library – Ernest, played by Serbian basketballer Boban Marjanović – and what ensues is a brutal close-quarters beating. In the end, the Baba Yaga is victorious when he uses a chuffing huge book to shatter Ernest’s jaw, leaving it hanging loose and wobbly on his face, before breaking the guy’s neck. It’s a nasty business but an iconic moment.

Six: The train fight (From Russia With Love, 1963)

These have all tended to be either humorous or kinda cool so far. But this tense, gritty dust-up is far more down-to-earth; memorable more for its brutality and the physical presence of Connery’s Bond and Robert Shaw as his Soviet counterpart Red Grant. Finally meeting in a secluded train compartment, they batter the heck out of each other in extreme close quarters, before Grant gets a garrotte around his opponent’s neck. But Bond has a hidden knife and stabs Grant, turning the tables and garrotting the Russian. For a film over sixty years old, it’s incredibly violent and realistic, and reinforces the brutality that’s often present in Bond.

Five: The pencil trick (The Dark Knight, 2008)

Nobody said the person doing the henchman-slaying had to be the hero. In this unforgettable full scale intro to Heath Ledger’s Joker. In his flamboyant but demented style, he makes a pencil disappear by ramming it through the eye socket of a gangster’s bodyguard. It’s a shocking and rather squirmy moment, but showcases how much of a threat he really can be; and his slightly lacklustre flourish of “ta-dah!” afterwards is the icing on the evil cake. My only real quibble is: how on earth did he get the pencil to stick to the table in the first place?

Four: The corkscrews (The Equalizer, 2014)

My favourite Equalizer beat-down is actually when Denzel’s Robert McCall takes down a room of misogynistic frat boys in part 2, but technically none of them die so I can’t count that. But this scene, which is the first time we see his particular skillset and single-minded, logistical approach to problems. He makes his way through a room of Russian mobsters, using whatever is at hand – glasses, bottles, other people’s guns – until he finally faces off with some final guy whilst wielding two corkscrews. He repeatedly stabs the guy – with corkscrews – until he sticks one through his chin and we can see it in his mouth. It’s totally great.

Three: The toxic waste guy (RoboCop, 1988)

We’re into the gold standard now, guys, and this is one of the most iconic deaths of the eighties – hell, possibly of all cinema. In the final conflict of the film, badguy goon Emil, played by Paul McCrane (E.R.’s Dr. Romano!), crashes his van into a vat of toxic waste, rolling out of the back doors amidst a deluge of steaming liquid. He emerges all mutated and melty, which seems horrible enough; but then Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith) hits him with a car, at which point he explodes like a water balloon filled with raw meat, his body sloshing over the windscreen in the world’s worst car wash. I cannot overstate the impact this scene had on the children who watched the film, far too young, in the eighties.

Two: The steamroller (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, 1997)

Okay, we’re back in the proper comedy here, and this one is so funny that it makes it almost to the top of the list. In a fantastic parody of the entire concept of henchman deaths, we first of all have an hilarious send-up of the kill itself – Austin driving an incredibly slow-moving steamroller at a henchman, neither one managing to move despite the glacial pace. And then, going deeper and denser, after he dies we cut to his family – his wife and stepson – receiving the news of his death, in a scene wonderfully framed in the iconography of suburban Americana. Doubling down in such a ridiculously silly fashion on the trope really reinforces the gag; and it’s such a good one, that Mike Myers does it twice. Mutated sea bass, anyone?

One: The swordsman AND Propeller Nazi (Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981)

Once again I cheat. Because how can I pick between these two? The scene where Indy faces the swordsman is one of the most iconic in all of cinema. It’s so perfectly framed and timed: the crowd parting to reveal the swordsman, his impressive twirling, Indy’s knackered and disinterested shooting of him. It’s a moment of sublime and rather silly comedy, and could easily be number one on its own. But later on, he has a protracted and bruising fist-fight with a large, shirtless, moustachioed Nazi whilst Marion tries to stop a propeller plane from taking off. Now, Harrison Ford can take a punch on camera, so the fight is full of his lovely little comic grace notes of pain, surprise, and resolve; but it’s all capped off when the Nazi himself is shocked to discover the propellers are upon him, and as Indy cowers, the plane is lavishly splashed with blood. And once again I am forced to say: this is very, very funny.

I’m a little bit worried how many of these were incredibly violent and I was left saying “no, really, this is the funny kind of violent”. Oh well.

Ten: Joyce Byers (Winona Ryder)

Joyce is kind of the beating heart of the first season. Ryder gives the stand-out performance of the entire series as an increasingly harried mother who seems to all concerned as if she’s going insane with mania over the disappearance – and alleged death – of her son. But, obviously, we know she’s right, and if truth be told her light doesn’t shine quite as bright after that. She’s certainly very funny, and the strength of spirit remains when she is (for example) breaking Hopper out of a Russian prison; but her force and tenacity in the early years is what earns her a place on this list.

Nine: Eddie Munson (Joseph Quinn)

Johnny Storm himself only has a brief tenure in Hawkins, but he burns very brightly (sorrynotsorry). He’s open-hearted and good-natured despite his rough exterior; a real Nice Guy Eddie. He’s so enthusiastic and positive towards his friends that it makes the tragedy of his “Satanic Panic” storyline all the stronger. And in a group that comprises wiseguys, badasses, and at least one actual superhero, his fear and reluctance coupled with his eventual quiet heroism stands out.  

Eight: Will Byers (Noah Schnapp)

Overcoming not just a relentlessly traumatic storyline – that sees him abducted, possessed, separated from his friends, and traversing an incredibly difficult emotional minefield – but also the worst haircut in ten years’ worth of programming, Will is a star. Comfortably one of the best performances from the young cast, despite the repeated horrors inflicted upon him he doesn’t seem like a victim or a martyr; rather, his inner strength frequently shines through. The delicate, tragic, and ultimately victorious way he navigates his sexuality is also rather well done, not least because of Schnapp’s earnest, truthful performance.

Seven: Jane “Eleven” Hopper (Millie Bobby Brown)

Probably some will find it surprising that El is so far down this list; hopefully my enthusiasm for the other six will explain why! But all the same, she’s still a cool character, transitioning from the almost alien-esque outsider to a regular teenager to a truly heroic power player across five seasons. She is one of the most honest and heartfelt characters, wearing her emotions as openly as her nosebleeds, and her relationships with – in particular – Mike and Hopper are endearing, amusing, and often moving. Plus, she’s just really cool when she unleashes her powers.

Six: Max Mayfield (Sadie Sink)

Coming in hot with a snarky, spiky persona, Max is immediately interesting, and how she mixes up the dynamic of the boys creates a lot of humour and drama. But underneath the tomboy exterior there’s a lot of intense drama, first with her brother, and then as one of Vecna’s victims. Throughout it all she maintains her fantastic, caustic, sarcastic demeanour, and Sink’s performance is one of the strongest in the show. Also: arguably the best love story in Stranger Things?

Five: Nancy Wheeler (Natalia Dyer)

The sweet, good-natured, nice girl A-student felt like a horror movie cliché, but – like Laurie Strode in Halloween – Nancy revealed hidden depths. Her determination grows in each season as she takes on everything from Demogorgons to misogynistic co-workers, ultimately transitioning into a crackshot marksman and leather-clad warrior; what we call in the business “pulling a Sarah Connor”. In the midst of this are her complicated and nuanced relationships with Steve and Jonathan, offering a nice romantic spine to the whole saga.

Four: Robin Buckley (Maya Hawke)

Coming right out swinging as one of the funniest characters in the show, Robin is fast-talking and just a joy whenever she’s on screen. Someone who can put Steve in his place and also call him up on his privilege, she’s also a chaos engine who absolutely does not have her shit together. The situations she’s forced into – from the comedic joy of impersonating a college student to the straightlaced tension of evacuating kidnapped kids – are ripe with opportunities for humour and pathos, Hawke bringing every shade out of the character. Also, it’s cool to get an LGBTQ+ character out there, and her relationship with Will in the later seasons offers more opportunity to explore those issues in the wider, crazier, more fantastical context.

Three: Steve Harrington (Joe Keery)

A genuine twist in the first season was Steve’s journey from being an absolute douche to being something of a hero. We instantly distrust him, he’s clearly manipulative and only out for his own enjoyment, and we celebrate when Jonathan beats the crap out of him. But he has the humility to come back from it; he genuinely cares for Nancy, and his realisation that he’s blown it hangs heavy over him. Portraying that shift, and that painful self-reflection, is a great thing for Keery. And, amidst all that, he’s a comic high-water mark, especially his banter and bonding with the younger kids. And he has great hair.

Two: Dustin Henderson (Gaten Matarazzo)

Amidst all the younger cohort – and I do feel bad I couldn’t fit them all in – it’s Dustin who stands out. This isn’t just because, arguably, Matarazzo puts in the best overall performance; it’s because Dustin is always interesting, a grade-A uber-nerd who has a fact for every occasion, and is basically the team’s Egon Spengler. He starts out as kind of the “other friend”, seemingly not as close or as invested but just wanting to be along for the ride, but then makes himself invaluable both with his brain and his heart. His friendships with Eddie and Steve are beautiful to behold, as his rebellious streak, most clearly delineated in the final episode’s graduation scene. Of all the characters, he’s probably the one I most want to follow up on: what’s he been doing for the last forty years?

One: Jim Hopper (David Harbour)

Ten: Memory (The Marvels, 2023)

The MCU is often very funny, so it stands to reason there’d be at least one joke in the Top Ten. And, just pipping “there’s only one Blade” at the post, is this incredible needle drop from The Marvels (the most criminally underrated film in the franchise!). the three-way juxtaposition of horror (as the SWORD crew are, essentially, hunted down and eaten by aliens), comedy (the creatures eating them are adorable kittens), and an incongruous but on-the-nose musical choice (Babs singing “Memory” from Cats) all adds up to an incredible, ridiculous, hilarious scene that also manages to make total story sense.

Nine: Agatha All Along (WandaVision, “Breaking the Fourth Wall”, 2021)

There are a few big twists and surprise reveals in the MCU – we’ll get to another one of them later. But few are as joyous as the unveiling of Agatha Harkness in WandaVision. The show was a glorious puzzle box, teasing greater mysteries, and whilst the few red herrings did disappoint, the discovery that a bitchy, manipulative, murderous witch was behind a lot of what was happening was a worthy and entertaining sleight of hand. Especially because it was delivered in such a fantastic, meta, fourth-wall-breaking way, and with a delightful performance from Kathryn Hahn.  

Eight: A Good Man (Captain America: The First Avenger, 2011)

The more time passes, the more I fall in love with Chris Evans’ debut as Cap. Here, in an intimate and quiet moment, the film’s philosophy – and the core of Steve Rogers’ character – is outlined by Stanley Tucci’s Dr. Erskine. It’s a great exposition dump, in a beautifully delivered monologue by Tucci, but also his declaration that Steve is a “good man” gets to the core of the whole endeavour. That Steve himself seems to have internalised it is a nice recurring touch: he passes the shield onto Sam Wilson by calling him a “good man” too.

Seven: The Catch (Spider-Man: No Way Home, 2021)

I wanted to celebrate so much about No Way Home’s perfect use of the multiverse: blending nostalgic fan-service with character building and story heft. It makes sense for the three Peters to join forces, but it’s also a wonderful meta event to see the history of Spider-Man share the screen. But in trying to single out one moment within the finale, I’ve chosen Andrew Garfield’s Spider-Man catching a falling MJ. It’s incredible how this brief cameo manages to shine a new light on the disappointing Amazing Spider-Man 2 and that film’s contentious ending, and give a degree of closure to Garfield’s Peter. Plus it’s just a great action sequence in its own right.

Six: Loki’s Glorious Purpose (Loki, “Glorious Purpose”, 2023)

Loki’s arc over the course of the MCU is extraordinary, taking in full-on villainy, grudging attempts at repentance, and actual death. Loki – the series – really unpicks and unravels the God of Mischief, as it tears him apart, showing multiple versions of himself, and he has to reckon with his small place in the entirety of the multiverse. And, after coming to the conclusion that he doesn’t want any kind of throne after all, he sacrifices himself to save reality, becoming – essentially – the cornerstone of reality itself. The scene where he marches into the maelstrom and seizes the strands of reality, turning them into the branches of Yggrdasil the World Tree, is deeply moving and epic in scope, and gives Loki both a glorious, heroic send-off whilst keeping him around just in case.

Five: The Man Behind the Mandarin (Iron Man 3, 2013)

I mentioned twists before, and this one is the doozy of the whole franchise. Masterfully played and exceptionally well-hidden, the rug-pull that the supposed villain of the film isn’t who we thought is made all the funnier with the juxtaposition of Ben Kingsley’s Trevor Slattery and the persona of the Mandarin. It’s a shock, it’s hilarious, it gave us one of the greatest original characters in the MCU – a comic gem who has, brilliantly, returned over and over again. The fact that it seems to really annoy some people is incredibly odd.

Four: Groot’s Sacrifice (Guardians of the Galaxy, 2014)

There are a lot of memorable deaths in the MCU, and some of them have even stuck! From Quicksilver to Iron Man to Loki to Loki to Loki to… you get the picture. But the most emotional is this, Groot’s great sacrifice play, encasing his new found family with his own body to protect them from a horrific crash. And his reason? “We are Groot”. And y’know what? We are. We really are. And it kinda stuck! Because the other Groot isn’t really this Groot, it’s more like his son or something. I guess. If you squint.

Three: Steve Passes the Test (Captain America: The First Avenger, 2011)

Imagine how good a film would have to be for me to feature it twice! And yet here we are: Cap’s back. This was one of the first gasp-inducing emotional moments for me in the MCU, where Steve Rogers shows his true colours by leaping onto a grenade during training, his first instinct being to sacrifice himself for everyone else. It was, of course, a dummy grenade, but the inherent goodness and heroism of Steve is evident to everyone. Even grumpy old Tommy Lee Jones. Also: if you watch back, you’ll see that Peggy Carter makes a step towards the grenade as well. Great characterisation.

Two: Hammer Time (Avengers: Endgame, 2019)

One of the benefits of a very long-running serial like the MCU is you can seed story elements and then have them pay off big time. The scene in Age of Ultron where everyone is failing to pick up Thor’s hammer is a comic gem, especially the fact that Steve seems to manage to make it wobble a tiny bit. And here, when all hope is lost, we see the hammer rise from the ground, to be wielded by Captain America himself. Did he know all along he could do it? Did he find the inner strength at the right moment? Thor himself isn’t that surprised. But let me tell you, when the hammer flew back into Cap’s hand, the cinema I was in exploded. It’s the greatest moment of audience exultation I’ve ever experienced. Electric.

One: When Peter Met Tony (Captain America: Civil War, 2016)

I feel like I’ve wanged on about this – one of my favourite scenes in any movie – over and over again. But here it is: Peter perfectly encapsulates what I think it means to be a superhero. “If you can do the things I can, and you don’t, then when the bad things happen, they happen because of you.” Basically, it’s a sense of duty: but also it’s a death sentence, because it’s the sort of thinking that has you jumping on grenades. What’s brilliant isn’t just how this reflects Peter’s character, but that Peter is here throwing Steve’s argument back at Tony without realising: that Steve is against the Accords because they might prevent him doing something when bad things happen. Tony, of course, is breaking all his own rules and several laws by binging Spider-Man into the fight. So as well as being a funny scene that nails the characters (and it’s the first time Peter Parker was in the MCU!), it’s also the beating heart of the movie, and its inherent tragedy. See? They’re all about Steve Rogers, even when they’re not.

Ten: Lenny Henry

Lenny is just the right amount of sentimental and exuberant, and he has a good way with a weird noise. He’s only propping up the list, in fact, because he’s already had a bite of the Middle-earth cherry and it feels perhaps unfair: he was a hobbit-esque character in The Rings of Power. But that made him do a slightly dodgy accent, here I’d want him to stick to his native Dudley.

Nine: Hugh Jackman

Jackman is ebullient; he’s a natural born showman (some would say the greatest). He’s a song-and-dance man at heart, so you can totally imagine him troll-a-lolling his heart out. And he’s ageing into a nice weathered look that would suit the character. But is he too much of a heartthrob movie star? Would we see Tom, or Wolverine?

Eight: Jonathan Bailey

Bombadil is supposed to be old, obviously, but he’s not necessarily supposed to look old. Most old people in Middle-earth don’t look at old as they are! So maybe getting a younger actor could put across the youthful energy of the character. Bailey is a great actor who we know can do the charm and handle the songs, and I’m pretty sure he could bring the necessary depth and ambiguity too.

Seven: Jared Harris

Harris, compared to others on this list, isn’t quite as exuberant. However, what he can portray is an intense tightness of character: he can be exquisitely good. Being given free rein to really show someone who is just totally nice and will look after you could be absolutely amazing. And he can do wise with ease. It would be a delight to see him cut loose in this role.

Six: Ewan McGregor

McGregor can be the show-stopping song and dance man; he can be, we all know, a man’s man, ladies’ man, man about town. And he can be as learned as any Jedi Knight you care to mention. But what he’d also bring is a bit of ambiguity; he’s dabbled with the dark side as much as the light. And he possesses an innate sexy kind of cheekiness. Not that I’ve ever thought of Tom Bombadil as sexy. But I guess Goldberry sees something in him. Maybe it’s the beard.

Five: Paterson Joseph

I feel like Wonka showed the world how great Joseph been be and more films should take their lead. He’s got such a twinkle, and he’s such a sexy comedian; but he’s also a terrific actor who can bring the nuance and the hints of darkness the character requires. And we know he can do the old soft shoe – again, look at Wonka.

Four: Brendan Gleeson

There are few actors who can be terrifying and cuddly at exactly the same time but Gleeson is one of them. He can be the hardass who knows the darkness of the universe, but he can also be the kindest soul you ever met. We know once he’s on the scene the hobbits will be safe from evil trees or whatever it is that barrow-wights actually are; he’s got oodles of charm so you can see why Goldberry feel is with him; and if someone told you he might very well be god you’d probably believe them.

Three: Robert Downey Jr.

I’ve tried to steer clear of Americans in this list. I feel the accents shouldn’t wander too far from Tolkien, really. But Downey is pretty good with accents: look at his weird Richard Burton thing he does in Dolittle. Anyway, it should be obvious that RDJ can do everything this role requires: the capering, the singing, the paternal qualities, the hints of darkness, the eccentricity, the ambiguity. And if the two main hobbits can be American, maybe old Tom can too?

Two: Michael Sheen

Sheen, in many ways, seems an obvious choice. He’s obviously a wonderful actor capable of great range, but beyond that he has such an incredible, sonorous voice. All the trill-a-rillos will sound amazing in his dulcet tones. He’s got the twinkle, he’s got the edge, he’s effortlessly charming. And I feel like he’s due another big Hollywood fantasy role. Underworld was a while ago now.

One: Stephen Graham

Ten: Tom Takes the Plane (Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation, 2015)

I had to include Tom doing something, didn’t I? In the course of the seventy-six Mission movies, he’s climbed rock faces, hung off skyscrapers, flown helicopters, and gotten chucked down the Channel Tunnel. But I think on a purely physical level, holding on to the outside of a an aeroplane whilst it takes off must rank as one of the most impressive. We see the wind on his face and his cheeks blowing back as the ground pulls away behind him. And, look, let’s just say it represents everything he’s done in Mission. Including having to speak to Jon Voight.

Nine: Another Tom Also Takes the Plane (The Dark Knight Rises, 2012)

Fun fact: I nearly included the mid-air heist from Cliffhanger, but at the end of the day I think Bane just ratchets the scary sky shenanigans up to eleven. This does feature some intense physical action, from the agents rappelling from one plane down onto another, and also the stuntwork required to simulate the plane interior as it’s decompressing and getting ready to fall from the sky. Tom Hardy is excellent here, so chunkily physical and present as a force. And let’s not forget the pilots: they really did fly the planes that close.

Eight: Zoe Bell Takes the Car (Death Proof, 2007)

Tarantino is mostly thought of as a writer-director with emphasis on the writer; it was his fast-paced pop-cultural dialogue full of wit and F-bombs that catapulted him to the stratosphere. But he’s a great director, too, and I think his action chops are sometimes underrated. Witness this supremely intense and terrifying car chase, as Kurt Russell’s Stuntman Mike pursues our heroines. Tarantino’s camera holds the car in centre frame, giving us a sense of presence, making us feel part of the action. But it’s all exacerbated by the fact that Zoe Bell is literally clinging to the bonnet the whole time, buffeted and whacked around, sliding across the car. It’s terrifying.

Seven: James Bond Spins a Car (The Man With the Golden Gun, 1974)

I don’t want to totally discount stunt driving. Car chases are an important part of the Bond tradition, and the stunts involved are often hair-raising. But there’s something about the audacity and ridiculousness of this that I just adore. Bond needs to get from one side of a river to the other, and so – of course – he jumps across on a handily-placed rickety bridge. Except he spins the car in mid-air as he does so. The jump was performed by Loren “Bumps” Willert, and unsurprisingly it required precise speed and position. The result is a car doing a crazy 360 in mid-air. Bonkers!

Six: Christopher Nolan Spins a Corridor (Inception, 2010)

Speaking of spinning things, Christopher Nolan is back to cock up everyone’s centre of gravity. His effects wizards actually built an entire corridor on a gimble that could rotate as required, and into it Nolan flung Joseph Gordon Levitt and a couple of heavies. The actual reasons for the corridor rotating are fascinating and part of the film’s wonder, but how it pans out is stunning to watch. Nolan often fixes his camera as the hall spins, giving it a floaty dreamlike quality as the actors jump from floor to ceiling or roll across the walls, guns sliding along a floor all magic-like. It’s really, really bloody good.

Five: Harold Lloyd Takes Time (Safety Last!, 1923)

I said that stunts have their origins in the origins of movie-making, and so we see here with this stunning silent effort. There’s not much to say that can’t be said in a single sentence: Harold Lloyd clings onto a clock face. He’s up there, in the sky, with the ground visible behind him to give a sense of scale, and he fumbles and slips and grips and makes you gasp with how close he seems to come to certain death. Of course what we see isn’t really the whole truth of the matter; but then that’s the point of stunts, to suggest extreme danger when really it’s just run-of-the-mill regular danger.

Four: Jason Bourne Fits Through a Window (The Bourne Ultimatum, 2007)

The Bourne films are full of really impressive, physical stuntwork: a lot of parkour and close-quarters combat, as well as some spectacular car chases. This sequence sees Bourne running across rooftops before leaping from one building and hurtling through the window of an adjacent building, an almost impossible threading of a needle that Matt Damon (or rather stuntman David Leitch – yes, the David Leitch who later directed Deadpool 2 and The Fall Guy) did at speed. And the bloody camera follows him, a feat achieved by having the operator literally jump off the edge of a building.  

Three: Buster Keaton Also Fits Through a Window (Steamboat Bill, Jr., 1928)

Yeah, it’s cool that the director of Atomic Blonde went through a window. But what if the window came to you? In another exquisite piece of silent stuntwork, Buster Keaton – arguably the first real stuntman filmmaker? – just stands still as an entire house falls on him, avoiding death just because he happens to be stood exactly in the negative space of a window frame. It’s some utterly demented Loony Tunes shit, all the more impressive because it predates Looney Tunes.  

Two: Jackie Chan Pops Some Lights (Police Story, 1985)

Speaking of “stuntman filmmakers”, nobody exemplifies that moniker better than Jackie Chan, a man whose entire career seems to be summed up with “what if I just utterly broke myself in the name of art?” The mall fight in Police Story is chock full of Chan’s trademark inventive, hilarious action choreography, and already features some vertiginous stuff leaping up and down escalators. However, the climax is something to behold, as Chan jumps off a balcony and slides down a huge poll, plummeting several stories before crashing through an atrium and onto the ground floor. And as he falls he shatters and explodes, like, a million light bulbs. Typically, this ruined Chan, severely burning his hands and leaving him in the hospital. Even better than the bit in the mall in Commando.

One: Going Under (Stagecoach, 1939/Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981)

Ten: Russell Crowe (Gladiator, 2000)

When I first saw Gladiator, I walked out of the cinema and said “well, that was fun, but it won’t win any Oscars”. Obviously I was wrong, because it walked away with a couple, including for Crowe’s performance as Maximus Decimus Meridius Father To A Murdered Son Husband To A Murdered Wife And I Will Have My Vengeance In This Life Or The Next (to give him his full name). Anyway, Crowe is very good, all earthy, sweaty strength and quiet stoicism, with a couple of scenes of utter devastation. And I think very good action performances should be considered more; what Keanu for a living does ain’t nothing. But let’s be honest: Crowe had recently played nuanced, thorny, tricky roles in both L.A. Confidential and The Insider; an Oscar for Gladiator cemented his A-list status but was arguably a prize a year or two late.

Nine: Jamie Lee Curtis (Everything Everywhere All at Once, 2022)

Everything Everywhere is a great movie, a weird sci-fi action extravaganza, and that it won so many awards is a delightful mini-miracle. Curtis is always good value, and to be fair she does have to play multiple variations on a role here – sometimes in dodgy makeup – but with everything going on it’s almost an extended cameo. It felt like an award for a career of great roles, right from Halloween through the likes of Trading Places or A Fish Called Wanda (all of which, I’d argue, could have won her a deserved award). It was especially frustrating because whilst of course Curtis should have an Oscar by now, so should Angela Bassett, who gave (arguably, subjectively) a stronger performance that year in the same category.

Eight: Paul Newman (The Color of Money, 1986)

Newman is, of course, terrific in Money (a refrain I think I’ll be repeating in this list) but it’s crazy it took him this long to pick up an award. He’s Paul Newman! Butch Cassidy or The Sting should really have gotten him his Oscar (also probably Cool Hand Luke but I’ll be honest and say I’ve not seen it). This was, arguably, another case of “late career award syndrome”. What’s even crazier, is if you wanted to do that for Paul Newman, I’d have given him it for Road to Perdition twenty years later, which is a heartbreaking performance.

Seven: Kate Winslet (The Reader, 2008)

The Reader is one of those films that’s totally evaporated from the zeitgeist, but it was also one of those where everyone knew it was Winslet’s year. That’s because she’d already given several awards-worthy performances: right from the get-go, Heavenly Creatures could have nabbed her an Oscar in my book, but so could Sense and Sensibility, Iris, or Revolutionary Road, where she gives an astonishing performance. I think the fact that, reductively, The Reader had so many Oscar ticks – World War II, an accent, a bit of blue – that it makes it recede a little in the imagination. And Winslet had already sent up the notion of doing a WWII movie as Oscar-bait in an episode of Extras.  

Six: Nicole Kidman (The Hours, 2002)

Kidman, like Winslet, is an actor who banked a succession of tremendous, Oscar-worthy performances but still missed out on the little gold fella. To Die For was a fantastic role, really meaty and complex, and should have nabbed her an award; similarly, Moulin Rouge! showcased old-fashioned song-n-dance skills as well as giving her a tragic romance to deal with. I’d even argue that she’s fantastic in The Others, where she has to convey all kinds of grief and terror; but horror films are notoriously overlooked. The Hours is good, and she’s good in it, but I think she’s overshadowed by her makeup and her accent, and – this old chestnut – is basically an extended cameo.

Five: Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant, 2015)

There was a meme going round that Leo was desperate for an Oscar; I’m not sure if he was choosing roles with that in mind (I doubt it, to be honest) but he still seemed a perennial bridesmaid. The Revenant put him through the wringer, so you could say he’d earned it; but it still feels belated. He could have deservedly picked one up decades earlier for What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (although in retrospect his performance might be a tad problematic) or maybe The Basketball Diaries (confession: not seen it). More recently, Catch Me If You Can, Revolutionary Road, Django Unchained, and especially The Wolf of Wall Street would all have been far more deserved wins, showcasing a lot more of his range and nuance. Either that or Critters 3.

Four: Ennio Morricone (The Hateful Eight, 2015)

Morricone has a resume of massively iconic cinema scores. I mean, for a start, you’ve got all of Sergio Leone’s classic Westerns; The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly just on its own has got to be one of the most iconic film scores of all time, right up there with Jaws. It’s so iconic it basically came to represent all Westerns, being parodied or homage anytime a cartoon wanted to do a Western episode. And then! He did all sorts! The Thing! The Untouchables! The guy was a master, and despite several nominations (not for The Good…) he didn’t win anything. The Academy, in its wisdom, gave him an honorary award, but it’s still ridiculous that he never won anything competitively. Until The Hateful Eight, a messy and overlong Tarantino Western. Yeah, it’s nice he won one at the end of his career, but let’s face it, it should have been decades prior.

Three: Judi Dench (Shakespeare in Love, 1999)

Dench’s award for Shakespeare in Love is almost iconic in the realms of wrong-film-ness. She plays Elizabeth I for about three minutes of screen time, and whilst she’s obviously excellent – she’s Judi Dench! She’s always excellent! Even in Cats! – it’s hardly a curtain-raiser. But she took home the gong, a year after being overlooked for the much more nuanced, deep, and interesting Mrs. Brown, in which she played Queen Victoria. If the Academy felt that guilty about overlooking her, maybe they should have kept their powder dry until something like Iris or Notes on a Scandal came along.

Two: Martin Scorsese (The Departed, 2006)

Ah, Marty. Poor, poor Marty. For decades he was almost a running gag: be the greatest director in the world, but whatever you do, don’t win an Oscar. Do I need to refresh the films he was overlooked for? Taxi Driver. Raging Bull. Goodfellas. I mean, it’s crazy! The Departed is fine and all, but it’s a much lesser piece of work, with little that he’s not done better in other films (it’s nowhere near as good as Infernal Affairs, which it’s a remake of). But the almost palpable sense of relief when he picked up his trophy was felt by the audience as well as the great man himself. Although, at least when his mate Spielberg had a similar “oh thank god they’ve finally won something” moment, it was for a genuinely exceptional piece of work. But not Marty! If only the Academy had waited for Wolf of Wall Street!

One: Al Pacino (Scent of a Woman, 1992)

The poster child for “oops we should have given him an Oscar decades ago”. Pacino is, arguably, the greatest screen actor of his generation. Serpico, Scarface, Dog Day Afternoon, just pick one of a dozen all-time classics. He was the actor, along with DeNiro. I mean, he did three Godfathers; three! That’s three chances they had to give him a gong, even the third one which isn’t as good as the other two. It still would have made sense. Scent carries with it the aroma of a performance that was finally gonna get him his dues – a role that cleared everyone else out the way. And he’s still good, but you get a bit more of the hoo-hah Pacino; it’s more easily parodiable. And let’s face it, if you’re gonna celebrate Pacino’s crazier side – and why not, he rocks – then the utterly sublime Heat was only three years away. Whaddaya got?

Ten: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

In a film that’s based around a lover, his beloved, and her seven evil exes, it stands to reason that you need at least nine solid actors. And, yes, Scott Pilgrim benefits from well more than nine really great performers, all filling quirky niches in the ensemble, and finding grace notes in their performances. Perhaps unsurprisingly, future Oscar winner Kieran Culkin is the standout as blithe roommate Wallace; but it’s the “stars of tomorrow” vibe of the cast that continues to be a delight as time goes on, featuring as it does a Superman, a Captain America, a Captain Marvel, and a Huntress, as well as proper stars like Alison Pill, Aubrey Plaza, and Anna Kendrick in relatively minor roles.

Nine: Little Women (1994/2019)

Cheating already! That’s my go-to. But I find it amusing how both (relatively) recent Little Womens (Littles Women?) serve as a snapshot of the up-and-coming female performers of the day. The ’94 vintage stars Winona Ryder as Jo, with support from the about-to-be-huge likes of Claire Danes and Kirsten Dunst as her sisters, and no less than future Batman himself Christian Bale as spurned suitor Laurie. Flash forward a couple of decades, and Greta Gerwig’s adaptation stars Saoirse Ronan, with the likes of Emma Watson and about-to-be-huge Florence Pugh as her sisters, and swaps out Susan Sarandon for Laura Dern as their mum, with a pre-megastardom Timothee Chalamet as Laurie. In both cases, they feel like era-defining cast lists, which is a heck of a feat.

Eight: The Avengers (2012)

Is this also a cheat? Because whilst I feel the solidity of the MCU cast list is undeniable – especially this early on – you could argue that, rather than an ensemble, it’s a collection of individual roles. Nevertheless, I feel the overall casting should be celebrated. Obviously RDJ as Tony Stark is one of those lightning-in-a-bottle, era-defining pieces of casting that we’ll talk about for decades; but the core Avengers all feel so perfectly suited that it’s crazy to imagine someone else as Steve Rogers or Thor. Ruffalo stepping into the Hulk shoes is pitch-perfect, and Hiddleston as Loki is just another all-timer of a casting selection. And, as well as the other Avengers, we’ve got Jacko being all grumpily stoic as Nick Fury, stepping off the pages of The Ultimates and into the movie theatre. Absolutely perfect.

Seven: The Magnificent Seven (1960)

Now, you might look at this list and say, “David, you’ve only put The Magnificent Seven at seven because you find it funny to do so,” to which I would reply, “and?” However, that doesn’t change the fact that this is a cracking cast (Gromit). But this is another one of those slice-of-Hollywood cast lists that serves as a snapshot of the time. Yul Bryner was super-hot off his Oscar for The King and I; Steve McQueen was on the verge of megastardom; Charles Bronson was an established supporting actor on his way to becoming a leading man; the likes of Robert Vaughn, James Coburn, and Eli Wallach were still pretty early in their careers. They fit into their ensemble roles very well, and looking back it’s like a cool Hollywood time capsule. The same could be said, to be honest, of disaster movies like Earthquake, The Poseidon Adventure, or The Towering Inferno. But I picked Mag Seven instead. So there.

Six: Ocean’s Eleven (2001)

In a way, its like a millennial Magnificent Seven, in how it showcases a slice of Hollywood at that time and place. At its core are three million-wat megastars: Clooney, Pitt, and Roberts. Surrounding them are absolutely solid supporting actors like Don Cheadle; long-established pros such as Elliot Gould; top-class comic supporters like Bernie Mac; and, in Matt Damon, an actor already established (he’d won an Oscar for writing Good Will Hunting by this point), but not quite the proper superstar he’d become after The Bourne Identity surpassed all expectations. And that’s before we look at the likes of Andy Garcia, linking the film to the lineage of Coppola and DePalma. And it’s got that cool cameo-studded poker game, featuring people like Topher Grace and Joshua Jackson as themselves.

Five: Predator (1987)

On the one hand, this is basically Arnie’s show; his biceps are plastered all over the poster. But the film is more subversive, progressive, and interesting than it could appear at first glance, and a core part of that is the strength of its ensemble. Partly it’s the tough-guy depth of the group, with the likes of Bill Duke, Carl Weathers, and Jesse Ventura playing some of Schwarzenegger’s fellow mercenaries: these are actors used to action (Duke had recently been killed by Arnie in Commando), so much so that the set became host to some gym-based one-upmanship and pranking. The inclusion of the decidedly less beefy Shane Black, ostensibly hired as an on-set script doctor, adds both a touch of humour and a bit of interesting complexity to the steroidal mix. All in all, these are actors who excel in supporting roles, tough-guy performances, baddies and soldiers, but who have a little spark of something extra that always makes them stand out; filling the cast with such actors gives the entire ensemble a dose of vitality. And that’s before we factor in Peter “Optimus Prime” Cullen as the voice of the Predator.  

Four: Tombstone (1994)

The bench of Tombstone is ridiculously deep and filled almost exclusively with either genuine movie stars or the sorts of supporting actors whose appearance enlivens any film they show up in; the fact that they encompass virtually the entire cast is something to be marvelled at. The Earp brothers are played by Kurt Russell (arguably at the height of his fame), Sam Elliot, and Bill Paxton, with Val Kilmer giving a career-best performance as Doc Holliday. The outlaws are led by Powers Boothe and Michael Beihn, because why have one Aliens alum in your film when you can have two? There are also smaller roles for (deep breath) Michael Rooker (Yondu!), Billy Zane (the Phantom!), Thomas Haden Church (Sandman!), Dana Delaney (Wonder Woman!), and Charlton Heston, for cryin’ out loud. I dunno if Chuck ever played a superhero, but still, fair dos.

Three: JFK (1991)

Oliver Stone apparently had a strategic motive when casting JFK. He knew the story was dense and potentially confusing, with absolutely tons of characters; so he figured if he cast known actors in even the smallest roles, then the audience would remember them. So outside of Kevin Costner as the lead, we get Gary Oldman as Oswald, Tommy Lee Jones as Clay Shaw, Joe Pesci as David Ferrie, and then further supporting turns from the likes of Sissy Sapcek, Kevin Bacon, John Candy, and especially Donald Sutherland as the mysterious informant “X”, a character I assume had a big influence on Chris Carter. So extensively starry is the cast, in fact, that watching the film is almost like playing whack-a-mole with famous faces.

Two: Heat (1995)

When you start your ensemble cast with Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, you’re in for a good time. This cast is sublime, not just for its depth and its quality, but for how it encompasses so much of Hollywood at that time. Pacino and DeNiro – who’d never shared a screen before, so it was instantly iconic – as well as Jon Voight represent the New Hollywood from the seventies who’d reached their apex abilities by the mid-nineties. You then have Val Kilmer, at the height of his powers and charm, as well as on-the-up roles for Tom Sizemore, Ashley Judd, and Danny Trejo, with more than capable support from the likes of Wes Studi and Ted Levine, and quite early appearances for people like Xander Berkley and Hank Azaria. And then there’s Natalie Portman, only a year after Leon, in the small but powerful role of Pacino’s stepdaughter. It’s basically an all-timer cast of absolute superstars – even the ones who aren’t superstars are phenomenal actors, all operating at the top of their games. What could top this?

One: The Lord of the Rings (2001-2003)

10: Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000), designed by Rick Baker

I’m going to come out the gate and say: I think this film is pretty awful. However, it does have a barnstorming performance from Jim Carrey at the centre, and his trademark rubber-band expressions have to be conveyed through the Grinch makeup. To that end, it’s remarkable: it feels large, dense, like a full-body prosthetic; yet it’s also unmistakeably Carrey coming through, his mouth movement, his eyes, his personality. I mean, apparently it absolutely screwed him up having to endure putting it on every day, but it’s still an incredibly compelling effect.

9: Doug Jones in Pan’s Labyrinth (2006), designed by David Martí and Montse Ribé

This one’s a bit of a cheat because really there are two characters here: the titular Faun, and the iconic Pale Man, both played by the legendary Doug Jones. The Faun on his own would be impressive enough – a large, horned creature, much thicker of leg and limb than your average Mr. Tumnus – but the Pale Man is something else. A horrific baby-pink creature, his face all mouth, like a horrendous maggot made human; his eyes are in the palms of his hands instead of his head. He’s messed-up and frankly terrifying.

8. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991), designed by Jeff Dawn

This one might be a bit more subtle; or maybe not? But it absolutely transfixed me as a nipper. Basically – spoiler alert – towards the end of the film, old Arnold gets bashed in the face quite a few times, and a lot of his skin falls off. Obviously he’s a robot, but the effect of half his face missing, and the gleaming metal skeleton underneath – complete with glowing red eye – was absolutely iconic to me way back when. I became somewhat obsessed with fake-skin robots, peeling away their not-flesh to reveal cybernetic innards. Dunno what that reveals about me, but still.

7. Michael Dorn in Star Trek: Generations (1995), originally designed by Fred Phillips and Robert Fletcher

Okay, this one is a cheat, but there’s no way I could have a list of favourite makeup effects without including a Klingon. Dorn was obviously Worf on TV for seven years – and would go on to play him for many more – but Generations was his movie debut. Klingons had been in movies before, too – the two Christophers, Lloyd and Plummer, were sublime in Search for Spock and Undiscovered Country – but, c’mon, Dorn’s Worf is the Klingon. The ridged forehead, the weird hair, the pointy teeth – it’s a great look, and one that’s so established, it now feels like every alien is sort of doing their own spin on a Klingon, up to and including Alan Rickman in Galaxy Quest. Oh, and yes, I know that Dorn was in Undiscovered Country, playing a character called Worf, but that's not our Worf, is it? This is a celebration of the franchise's Best Klingon, the actor who embodies him, and the makeup effect that pretty much defined a franchise.

6. Max Schreck in Nosferatu (1922), designed by Albin Grau

Max Schreck, before he went to Gotham to open a power plant and help the Penguin run for mayor, established a look so strong that it basically became the other type of vampire. Far from the sexy aristocrat, here is a creature that looks undead: gaunt, hunched, animalistic, with long talon-like fingers, wide bat-like eyes, and two fangs in the centre of its mouth, curiously snake-like. I don’t know for certain, but it’s almost like he was designed just to create awesome German Expressionist shadows.

5. Eddie Murphy in Coming to America (1988), designed by Rick Baker

Murphy is well known for playing multiple roles in his films, and I could have done something like The Klumps. But this is probably my favourite of his many-character schticks (and it’s a much better film, too). He plays a couple of characters in a barber shop (alongside co-star Arsenio Hall, also playing double duty); I would hazard that neither character is instantly recognisable as Murphy underneath prosthetic. One of them, though, is a wild swing: he plays an elderly Jewish man in the barber shop, who is, well, a white guy. Black-to-White race-bending isn’t that uncommon in comedy films (who can forget Lenny Henry in True Identity? Anyone? Anyone at all?), but this is a full-throated performance that convinces not just in its delivery but in the fidelity of its makeup. Or maybe that’s just me.

4. Robert Englund in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), designed by David Miller

Another look that is simply iconic. Freddie Kruger is a villain for the ages, and whilst his appearance may not be massively original, he’s an indelible face in the horror canon. A hideously scarred visage, burned and mangled, rivulets cut into his face, he does look frankly quite scary – and that’s before you get onto the clawed glove and the horrible Dennis the Menace jumper. Okay, we can have a debate about facial disfigurements reflecting a darkness inside, and how that’s a really problematic trope; but Kruger still has a cool look, and his aura of creepy menace is down to Englund.

3. Roddy McDowall in Planet of the Apes (1968), designed by John Chambers and Thomas Burman

Really, it could be any of the cast of the original film. This is a phenomenal achievement in makeup; not only is it instantly iconic (overusing that word a bit…) and recognisable, but it’s a wonderful technical achievement, allowing the actors to emote through fairly heavy prosthetics. The individual apes in the film feel like different characters, the performances clearly coming through; this was, arguably, the precursor to the Worf-style alien prosthetics.

2. Tim Curry in Legend (1985), designed by Rob Bottin

I’ve talked a lot about these effects allowing the actors’ performances to shine through the makeup, and that is obviously still true here, but this is an effect that makes Curry effectively unrecognisable. It’s an incredibly strong look, utterly conveying the majesty and terror of the character of the Darkness. Curry just looks incredible here: he’s huge, he’s ripped, and his horns give a visual representation to the old James Cameron adage “less isn’t more, more is more”. Pretty much the greatest “devil” in cinema history (woah, that’s another top ten right there…

1. Boris Karloff in Frankenstein (1931), designed by Jack Pierce

Bag End (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001): the Shire is a pastoral paradise of rolling hills, picturesque cottages, and charming little pubs. And pride of place is Bag End, which manages to be both cute cottage, stately home, and weird, quirky, fantasy place all at the same time. It looks incredible, all curved surfaces, with its big circular front door; and it juts out from literally inside a hill. Inside, it’s all Edwardian splendour, gorgeous tiled floors and wood-panelled walls. It’s just delightful from top to bottom, and you know it’s incredibly comfy and homely. Maybe the nosy neighbours would eventually drive you insane, but at least it’s safe. And – again – there’s a great pub down the road.

Wayne Manor (Batman: The Animated Series, 1992): stately Wayne Manor manages to be both a vast mansion full of gorgeous, ornate rooms with very long tables and very large beds, but also has a top-secret underground layer complete with super-computer, hidden road network, and a giant mechanical dinosaur. I guess the only question is which version of the manor do we go for, and I’ve plumped for the animated one: partly it’s the mix of art deco and gothic styling on the mansion itself, as well as its vertiginous position at the top of a hill, but also the sheer edges of the Batcave gives it a surrealist German expressionism vibe. Plus it has the sexiest Batmobile.

The Addams Family Mansion (The Addams Family, 1991): I guess if you were living there then the fact that house seems to be, well, alive and possibly even hostile might count against it, there’s no denying it’s a sumptuous pad. A gorgeous gothic pad, it’s got its own sense of style that is – to say the least – unique, from its ornate decoration to its somewhat trippy layout. It comes complete with vast grounds and its own graveyard – what more would you want? Just don’t anger the gates.

32 Windsor Gardens (Paddington, 2014): a rather sumptuous London townhouse on a frankly ridiculously pretty street. And then you get inside, and it’s a fantasy of urban living. All the rooms are huge and colourful, and the vast central hallway is topped off with an incredible sweeping staircase – just perfect for sliding down in a bath. Like the film itself, it’s an idealised version of what London itself has to offer; a supremely stylised living space that represents the best of the city. Mind you, you’d have to live next to Peter Capaldi’s grumpy bastard, so it’s not all marmalade and roses.

Tony Stark’s Malibu Mansion (Iron Man, 2008): generally speaking I’m not a fan of those kind of big, spacious, concrete-and-glass mansions that rich folk in American movies seem to like. You know, the kind where the whole ground floor seems open-plan with windows along the entire walls and everything is sparse and white. But this house is something special: it’s got a great almost sixties aesthetic as it curves around the edge of a cliff. And although in some ways it seems a bit cold and sterile, Tony puts so much of himself into it that it does have a sense of warmth and character. Interestingly, his haphazard garage and workshop adds most character, with all his knickknacks and robots and, er, broken Captain America shields. It’s such a shame it got blowed up good.

62 West Wallaby Street (A Grand Day Out, 1989): ah, another fantastic British home! It’s so quaintly suburban, a thirties-looking semi on an ordinary street. Inside, it’s decorated like a grandparent’s house circa 1990: paisley and florals and ducks on the wall. So it’s charming and old-fashioned in the way that Wallace himself is. But then, of course, there’s all the mental stuff he’s added himself, all the secret tubes and robot hands with its secret underground laboratory. It combines the best of British in a way: the cosy and the crazy.

Lars Homestead (Star Wars, 1977): most sci-fi homes are rather cold affairs. Yeah, okay, it does look like it’d be quite comfy living on the Enterprise-D, but usually you’ve got a lot of bare metal and hard surfaces, or they have to cram everything in one room because it’s a dystopian future. I guess the homestead benefits from being a real building in Tunisia, but it’s still terrific. The domed structures just look really cool, like desert igloos, and you get the impression that it’s actually quite cool in there, despite the desert heat. Then you get that frankly awesome pit-thing in the centre, where most of the house looks like it’s underground. And that’s before all the trippy sci-fi stuff, like the freaky machines in the kitchen, or the vaporators outside. And, don’t forget, a fridge full of blue milk. Blue milk!

The Kusakabe House (My Neighbour Totoro, 1988): this is probably the most realistic house on the list; it’s a pretty darn realistic interpretation of a rural Japanese house in the 1950s (so realistic somebody actually built it). I know I’ve used this word a lot, but this place just looks so cosy. It’s kind of ramshackle, and full of the chaos of life; this, coupled with its Japanese design incorporating a lot of wood, makes it feel at one with the natural world. And that’s before we talk about its proximity to a magical forest full of crazy creatures. And the sootsprites! Don’t forget about them!

742 Evergreen Terrace (The Simpsons, 1987): I’m going to try to divorce my opinion from the shenanigans of the Simpson family or the show itself and just talk about the house. Yes, okay, it is inexplicably decorated in pink; but this is a frankly huge suburban house, with at least for good-sized bedrooms, a large living room, dining room, kitchen-diner, and possibly other rooms of indeterminate size or position. It’s good a great garden, with a nice big tree you can put a treehouse in, and an attic and probably a basement, I can’t remember. And a two-car garage. This place – to quote Frank Grimes – is a palace.

The Beach House (Grace and Frankie, 2015): I’ll be honest, I’ve never really been too attracted to beachfront properties. I always think you’d run the risk of damp, or sand getting everywhere (just ask Anakin), or it smelling of fish. And you’re first in line for a tsunami! But I’ve gotta admit, this is a great house. Tastefully decorated with nautical colouring, it has a nice open plan arrangement with a fantastic living space that opens out right onto the beach. And it’s bigger than it looks, with four bedrooms and a double garage. And there’s even room for Lily Tomlin’s art studio. Enough to make you overlook the sandy bottoms.

*This is a really funny Lord of the Rings joke, please just take my word for it.

When Harry Met Sally... (1989): the all-time defining romcom as far as I’m concerned. Clearly building on the screwball battle-of-the-sexes formula perfected in the Golden Age of Hollywood, it also established the template for the modern romcom that defined the nineties; as such, it stands as the pinnacle. The core is the script, which combines rat-a-tat-tat dialogue with true, earnest characterisation, and a timely debate on sexual mores; but then you have adorable, hilarious turns not just from the leads but from sterling support acts. And it’s beautifully directed by Rob Reiner. Seems like he knows what he’s doing. Wonder if he’ll show up on this list again.

Bringing Up Baby (1938): one of those early screwball efforts I just referenced. It’s going to be boring if I cite how these films live or die on the chemistry of their leads, but here the performances are picture perfect. Hepburn’s ditzy heiress is both of her time and also two or three generations early; Grant’s clueless professor is a study in mannerisms and perfect reactions. It’s hilarious, just a script that’s so damn funny nearly ninety years on. And it might be the first use of the word “gay” in Western art. Seminal.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953): I’ve talked about couples with chemistry, and there are two actors here who burn down the screen, but they’re not actually a romantic pairing (although, really, wouldn’t the film have been better that way?). Twin romantic subplots swirl around each other as sweet but flirty Monroe chases a wealthy husband whilst witty Russell just looks for a good time. The code-approved sexual politics are surprisingly frank, but the humour is thick, fast, and very clever, and it manages to be both a smart feminist treatise, a laugh-fest, and a banging musical to boot.

The Apartment (1960): threading the needle between dark workplace satire and knockabout farce, we’ve got a film featuring oodles of adultery, a suicide attempt, and – in Jack Lemon – a man so put-upon he’s practically underground. But Shirley McClaine, despite carrying a world of darkness, manages to be a joy throughout, and the ending is one of the most subtly romantic finales to a film you could ever wish for. Shut up and deal.

Some Like It Hot (1959): another Jack Lemon masterpiece, another Marilyn Monroe performance where she seems like a ditzy airhead but is actually one of the smartest characters; and we also have Tony Curtis doing his Cary Grant. A Shakespearean comedy of cross-dressing and impersonation, the farce is through the roof, but the characters are so well-defined that we’re rooting for them throughout. And, again, it’s got one of the greatest endings of all time.

Groundhog Day (1993): this is almost a stealth romcom, a film where it’s mostly focussed on Bill Murray being a douche and also suffering terribly at the hands of fate and his own inherent douchiness. But it does a great thing of not only giving us, in Andie MacDowell, someone so sweet and lovely you do buy him turning his life around for her, but also subtly showing how opening your heart to love and empathy, and just trying to be a better person for someone, improves everything. He changes the lives of everyone he meets in Punxsutawney, all because he fancies Margaret Qualley’s mum.

The American President (1995): a very old-school movie in a lot of ways, with grown-ups talking in rooms about serious things as well as matters of the heart, and doing so with fast-paced clever dialogue that bristles with wit and intelligence. Like a lot of Golden Age romcoms, it also talks relatively frankly about sexual mores without stooping to gratuitousness or crassness; it’s got class. And it’s just terrific, simultaneously a warm bath of a film and also a really smart political treatise. It’d make for a good TV show.

The Princess Bride (1987): I nearly didn’t include this film because I wasn’t really sure it was a romcom, traditionally. However, I relented for three reasons: one, at its core is a genuine, charismatic, adorable romance between Buttercup and Wesley; secondly, it’s hilarious, not just with the wordplay and characterisation, but the meta-fictional dissection of the narrative through the grandfather/bedtime story framing device; and finally the film is just a flat-out masterpiece.

Shaun of the Dead (2004): the most recent film on the list is – of course – a romzomcom (zomromcom?). It’s perfectly constructed as a romcom, with its good-hearted but dick-headed lead, put-upon but still self-assured romantic foil, and its collection of assorted comic best friends and family members. Then you add the pitch-perfect zombie movie parody, which manages to serve up genuine peril and lashing of gore. Finally, the whole thing is just shot through with Edgar Wright’s sense of style, a smorgasbord of fast-cuts, smart-arse references, and well-staged action scenes.

Strictly Ballroom (1992): only propping up the list because I have to wonder, is it really a comedy? It’s certainly comedic but is that more Baz Luhrmann’s wacky, surrealist style rather than a funny script? Regardless, I have to include it, because the core Romeo and Juliet romance at the centre is the sweetest, and the whole film is punch-the-air fantastic. We danced to it at our wedding! So it’s totally great and it totally counts. And it has a happier ending than Romeo and Juliet.

Paris Geller: Paris… my all time favourite character in Gilmore Girls. I will say (below - D) that Rory is one of the most relatable characters but I personally believe that I relate to Paris the most (apart from the fact that I don’t cheat on my boyfriend with a 60 year old professor, I’m also too young to have a boyfriend lol). Anyway, I’m good at crafts, I’m smart and I, also, can get a bit cranky when I don’t get my way hehehe, just like Paris. I find Paris overthinks a lot of stuff but she also is not afraid to bring up awkward conversations which I think makes her the character she is. I really love the way she acts and the way she can talk to people without hesitation. So, that is why Paris is my favourite Gilmore Girls character and that is my Gilmore Girls Top Ten.

Luke Danes: Hard on the outside but soft on the inside, that’s one thing that I like about Luke. He’s a sweet person but hides all his emotions behind a tough guy, making him seem rude and grumpy – which makes him funny and a really good character to play. I love his relationship with his nephew and I believe they actually did like each other (except when Luke pushed Jess into a lake). I like the way Luke and Taylor always fight and the fact Luke can start an argument over anything is really funny.

Lorelai Gilmore: I'm going to say this again in Rory’s paragraph (below - D), but Lorelai and her daughter are soooo similar, from their coffee addictions all the way to their sarcastic sense of humour. I love this duo the most. Lorelai is an extremely funny character, almost a comedian, who never cooks a meal, and, when not eating take aways, relies heavily on her dear friend Luke to support her with his cooking. She doesn’t have a very strong relationship with her parents and her reason for this is because she felt they were ‘cold and distant’ or controlling. Other than that, I do believe Lorelai is a very kind and generous person while also being quite amusing to watch.

Rory Gilmore: Rory as a whole is one of the most relatable characters on Gilmore Girls. I love the way she reads and studies while hiding away from the rest of the world. She’s kind and always keeps a promise. Even if her choices of boyfriends are…choices, she still has a good heart and is friends with everyone. Rory is a mini version of Lorelai and that’s what I love about her – the way her and her mum are so close, they’re like besties who tell each other everything about their lives; boys, friendships, school, work and I wouldn’t be surprised if they told each other about their morning poops!

Sookie St. James: I love Sookie – the clumsy chef. She’s funny, charming and is always really nice. Sookie always has such a bubbly personality and I think that’s one of the reasons why I love her so much. Sookie’s baby boy Davey is so cute too an I love the way she treats him when, before he was born, she wasn’t sure if she could look after him. Sookie is obviously the happiest character.

Kirk Gleason: Kirk is such a diva. I like the way he acts around people; I have just got up to the bit where he gets a girlfriend and tells everyone. I just like how weird he is and the fact that he has tried every job in the town. Also he is my dad’s favourite character so I have to put him on this list or else he’ll try and find a way to put him in anyway and I’ll get told off lol.

Miss Patty: Miss Patty is the gossip queen! She knows everything about everyone, and when Lorelai wanted everybody to know the wedding was off, she made sure Miss Patty knew first – that way the whole town could know in like 5 minutes. I love her energy and the way she talks to her dancers, her friendship with Rory is adorable. Miss Patty is the best number 7 ever.

Mrs. Kim: She’s harsh but fair…. Never mind, just harsh. And I love that for her 😊. Mrs Kim is definitely the Grinch of Gilmore Girls and that’s why she is in my top ten. Her daughter is nothing like her but Mrs Kim obviously still loves her (I think). The way she acts around everybody is just funny, and the way she shouts at people when they come into her shop – she always likes to have customers. The way she screams at people then softly says ‘Pleasure doing business with you.’ It all makes me chuckle – she’s just so persuasive!

Richard Gilmore: 3 words… Slay. Baddie. Queen. Richard is the best father character on Gilmore Girls in my opinion. My favourite scene with him is when Rory announces she is going to Yale and Richard and Emily try to play it cool. It is funny the way they break and start to act crazy, I find it so adorable the way they care for their granddaughter. Speaking of Yale, I love how he acts to any Yale sports games, cheering loudly and singing boldly. I told you, Richard is the best.

Jess Mariano: Jess is tenth on my list as I like his attitude but not his overall behaviour. I like the way he is extremely smart and quick-witted but hates doing school work. Although I enjoy watching him on the screen, I didn’t like his relationship with Rory as I think he didn’t treat her like how Dean treated her. However, Dean isn’t on this list because I preferred Jess’ energy and how he acted in general compared to Dean, Dean’s attitude was a bit iffy. I liked Jess’ backstory and sometimes feel sorry for him tho.