Bruce [pause-for-dramatic-effect Wayne]: the Bat-tank

Dick:

Jason:

Tim:

Steph:

Cass:

Damian:

Duke: fine, I'll say it- that's just an armored minivan

Bruce: what? It's not-

Jason: It has sliding doors

Bruce: for efficiency and convenience-

Dick: i think it's neat! But... yeah, not really a tank

Steph: very spacious, yet very compact, very on brand for a mom with 6-9 kids

Bruce: it has all of the features and capabilities of the Batmobile-

Damian: Father, I for one admire your priority, practicality is far more important than being fashionable.

Bruce: i, wha- It very clearly has lasers and it's bullet-proof! How is that unfashionabl- I know my brand!

Tim: aww, enough cup holders for the whole family, very thoughtful, Bruce

Bruce: The Bat-tank WILL strike fear into the enemies of Gotham!

Jason: our enemies will see us speeding at 700mph and assume you're late to your kid's soccer game

Bruce: Okay! Okay, so we needed a family car, but this isn't-

Cass: Recital

Bruce: *gasp* OH, we're going to be late for Cass's dance recital, everyone in the van!

Dick: I thought it was a tank-

Bruce, glaring: Cass gets shotgun since she's the only one who respects the Bat-tank!

Cass: yes... very scary *pats Bruce's arm affectionately*

Bruce: Hurry up, everyone! Duke, the backseats unfold if you press the button underneath-

Duke: yeah I know how minivans work

Bruce: It's not-

Bruce:

Bruce: oh no.

Dick: there's the moment of realization we were waiting for

Bruce, whispering: It IS a minivan.

Tim: can we go to Bat Burger after this?

Damian: Seconded

Jason: yes thank fuck I'm starving

Dick: Language! Here, little D, you can sit by me

Steph: ugh, why do I have to sit in the middle?

Duke: this thing comes with chargers, right, Bruce?

Bruce: I'm... I'm a minivan mom.

Tim: Does anybody want/need a car

Tim: I bought one for B’s birthday but he already had the same model

Bruce: Tim you didn’t have to buy me a car. I don’t care that much about my birthday…

Tim:…Then you won’t get a present

Dick: I could take the car if nobody wants it

Tim: Ok

Dick and Tim’s private conversation:

Tim: I didn’t actually buy a car

Tim: I stole it from B

Tim: I’m waiting to see how long it takes for him to notice

Dick: Wtf Tim!

Dick: But also LOL

Dick: Don’t get me involved tho

Back to the Batfamily group chat:

Dick: Nvm I don’t want it

Steph: That’s not very whimsy of you

Tim: What she said

Bruce:…

Bruce: Tim which car was it?

Tim: That’s not important

Bruce: Is it a Lincoln Futura? Like the one that’s missing?

Tim:…No?

—————

Little Jay has a run in with an unknown bat on that fateful night

I get why fanfic writers do it, so they can move the plot along without having to write the chase after Jason or the scene when they do talk in the condemned building that Jason sleeps in. I get it.

But I always have to think about canon then.

Because not only did Jason manage to run away from Batman.

He also called him a 'big boob'.

I repeat. He gets caught jacking the tires. Tries to deny it. Hits Batman with a tire iron, runs away and insults him.