750! Who’d a thunk it? Seven hundred and fifty weeks of this shite. Bloody hell. I was going to do something kinda special, and I went back and forth, but in the end I’ve celebrated this milestone by going fractionally more biographical than usual, and also doing a list that it’s frankly ridiculous I’ve not already done. Seriously, it took me about fourteen and a half years to think of this? Flippin’ eck.
Anyway.
We’ve bought a new car this week. I’m not going to go into it: this isn’t a diary. But it has prompted me to do something that I thought for sure I’d done in the past: ranking my favourite fictional cars.
Now, when I’m saying “fictional”, I just mean cars that are in fiction; I don’t mean it has to be, like, the Flintstones’ car, that never really existed. I don’t mind if it’s a Reliant Robin or an Aston Martin – y’know, things one could hypothetically buy for-real – as long as it appears in some kind of fictional capacity and has, in some way, a bit of a personality.
However, regarding “personality”, I’ve made one big decision here, and that is that these cars are not allowed to be alive. I know what you’re thinking: you just made that rule because you were worried that otherwise you’d end up ranking ten Transformers. And you’re not wrong. But it also excludes the likes of Benny the Cab from Who Framed Roger Rabbit and – controversially? – KITT from Knight Rider. It doesn’t exclude any of the cars from the Cars movies because none of them ever stood a chance of making it into the top ten anyway. Well, maybe the Car Pope.
Also, what is a “car”? I mean, obviously it’s not a plane or a motorbike. But where do we draw the line? I’ve come to the perhaps arbitrary decision that if I can class it as a “van” then it’s also a “car”; but if you get to the level of “truck” then it’s out. Sorry, lorry. To keep this in Transformers terms for now, it means that whilst obviously Jazz and Cliffjumper would be classed as cars, so too would Ratchet and Ironhide. However, Optimus Prime would be out on his electronic ear.
And that’s all there is to it, really. My top ten favourite cars that have appeared in movies (TV, videogames, whatever). Start your engines.
Ten: Aston Martin DB5 (Goldfinger, 1964)
I think most of these cars have earned a place by being somehow extraordinary, rather than just looking nice; but the DB5 is still a gorgeous example of sixties style. Of course, beyond that, it’s one of the most iconic cars of all time, and its place in the Bond pantheon is assured. Full of all sorts of gimmicks and gadgets, it’s a Swiss Army Knife on wheels. And very pretty, too.
Nine: Mr. Bean’s Mini Cooper (Mr. Bean, 1992)
Just beating out the Minis from The Italian Job due to its singular status, Bean’s Mini represents a kind of everyday, genteel British humbleness. It’s charming and funny and a tiny bit silly, but it’s also ingenious. The many crazy ways in which Bean uses his Mini – usually to the detriment of a Reliant Robin – reinforces the man’s position as pathetic-seeming agent of chaos. And it’s funny coz it’s got a padlock on the door.
Eight: Mario’s Kart (Super Mario Kart, 1992)
Arguably the most iconic videogame vehicle, the various Karts raced by Mario and chums are almost as famous as the betachioed plumber’s dungarees and hat. Seemingly an ordinary go-kart with a red trim, its humble appearance allows for the colourful rider to be accentuated, visible even as a chunk 16-bit sprite, whilst also leaving room for stylistic flourishes and neat little tricks of design. Later games brought multiple types of car, bike, or glider, but it’s the simple kart that remains the distinctive visual motif of the series.
Seven: Turtle Van (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, 1987)
What I like about the Turtle Van (aka the Party Wagon) is that it’s really just a big, boxy van that can accommodate four turtles, their enormous shells, and their boiler suit-wearing newsreader pal. But it has enough cool touches, such as its shell-esque roof and a cool door that doubles as a ramp/gun emplacement, to feel very much on-brand and a unique vehicle in its own right. Plus it has a ramshackle charm, far away from a sleek Batmobile or even a relatively professional-looking homemade job like Ecto-1.
Six: Pursuit Special (Mad Max, 1979)
I’ll be honest and say that my favourite iteration of Max Rockatansky’s souped-up V8 Interceptor is the far more weathered and patched-up version seen in Mad Max 2 and Fury Road, complete with what appears to be huge jet engines sticking out the back. But the car itself is a cool seventies number to begin with, and once you factor in the homebrew, post-apocalyptic chic of the franchise, you’ve got a seriously sexy sci-fi bit of kit.
Five: Mystery Machine (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!, 1969)
A bit like the Turtle Van, this is, well, a van – or more specifically a VW camper. Although its somewhat muted green colour scheme isn’t the height of psychedelia, it still screams sixties: the perfect vehicle for four stoner sleuths and their odd dog. It’s a type of car that really has a lot to say about time, place, and people; we understand Mystery Inc more because of their vehicle, and the fact it’s not all reds and oranges speaks to the spooky core of the show too.
Four: Bluesmobile (The Blues Brothers, 1980)
The perfect car if you’re on a mission from God; an old cop car. It’s got a cop motor, cop tyres, cop suspension, cop shocks, and a broken cigarette lighter. It can pretty much outrun anything, from rednecks to Nazis to the Actual Army. And it’s wonderfully, delightfully seventies, the way it fishtails out when careening around corners. Whatdaya say?
Three: Doc Brown’s DeLorean (Back to the Future, 1985)
Now we’re getting to the cars that really offer something extra, and what could be more extra than travelling through time? And if that’s not enough – if it’s not enough that this is a time machine – it can also fly with its cool little upside-down wheel thingies. The DeLorean itself is a wonderfully eighties slice of angular design, and the additions – huge engine thing, wires all over the shop, Mr Fusion – only adds to its charm.
Two: ECTO-1 (Ghostbusters, 1984)
First up you have the rather pretty Cadillac Miller-Meteor ambulance as its base, with its sleek curves and beautiful fin-things at the rear; but then it’s transformed into a paranormal emergency service vehicle. I’ve never known what all the gubbins on top of Ecto-1 are supposed to be, but I love them: various sensors and detectors and whatnot. It has the ramshackle appeal of other cars on this list, but it’s sleeker and more polished (literally). It really stands out, it has a silhouette all its own, and it is just incredibly cool. Everybody can relax they found the car.
One: Batmobile (Batman: The Animated Series, 1992)
I’ve picked the Animated Series version because aesthetically it’s my favourite, with its art deco stylings and elongated bonnet; but really it could have been so many Batmobiles. How could this car not be number one? It’s Batman’s car. It’s incredibly cool to look at, one of the sexiest cars ever designed, it’s souped-up beyond all recognition, and it’s got more gadgets than a James Bond boxset. Plus, I love the fact that it doesn’t really make much sense for Batman to have a car: he’s a high-tech ninja in an urban environment, so planes, gliders, auto-gyros, etc, would all be far better ways for him to get around a bustling city at night. But it’s just so damn sweet to see a cross between a 1950s hot rod and a Panzer tank come hurtling down Main Street before unleashing a martial artist in a Dracula costume to punch some turkeys in their turkey necks. “Iconic” doesn’t do it justice.
There were a lot bubbling under this week, even acknowledging the whole “non-sentient” thing. Some were just pretty – Magnum’s Ferrari, for instance – and some were super-bespoke, like a Blade Runner skimmer or even the Flintstones’ car. For someone with virtually no interest in cars, this proved to be a topic I could get a lot of mileage from. See what I did there? It’s jokes like that that’ve kept this thing going for 750 weeks.
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming