Blog got Hands

people have suddenly started reblogging this post of mine from february 8th, 2012. great bit everybody

the fact that we’re apes is SO funny… i can calculate how many parsecs away a nebula is based upon its apparent magnitude for a fun little brain exercise. i also feel depression and existential ennui if my curtains are shut for too long because my brain has a 45000 year old creature in it who feels that darkness holds too many unknown threats 

this has gotten 500x more true this year

squidward really was such a dramatic faggot we don't talk about it enough. he bought a cemetery plot with a tombstone that said "here lies squidward's hopes and dreams". and he quietly yet tearfully laid flowers at it. and like he was doing that for no known audience. he didn't know mr. krabs was watching. faggot hijinks that make rupaul look masc.

oh my goodness, one of dian fossey’s first close up observations with gorillas happened when she was trying to climb a tree to see them better, but so badly that by the time she’d gotten up the entire group had come out of hiding to look at her: “Nearly all members of the group had totally exposed themselves, forgetting about hiding coyly behind foliage screens because it was obvious to them that the observer had been distracted by tree-climbing problems, an activity they could understand.”

hello, fellow apes

[Image transcript: porch. The group had been day-nesting and sunbathing when I contacted them, but upon my approach they nervously retreated to obscure themselves behind thick foliage. Frustrated but determined to see them better, I decided to climb a tree, not one of my better talents. The tree was particularly slithery and, try as I might, no amount of puffing, pulling, gripping, or clawing succeeded in getting me more than a few feet aboveground. Disgustedly, I was about to give up when Sanwekwe came to my aid by giving one mighty boost to my protruding rump; tears were running from his eyes as he was convulsed in silent laughter. I felt as inept as a baby taking its first step. Finally able to grab on to a conveniently placed branch, I hauled myself up into a respectful semislouch position in the tree about twenty feet from the ground. By this time I naturally assumed that the combined noises of panting, cursing, and branch-breaking made during the initial climbing attempts must have frightened the group on to the next mountain. I was amazed to look around and find that the entire group had returned and were sitting like front row spectators at a sideshow. All that was needed to make the image complete were a few gorilla-sized bags of popcorn and some cotton candy! This was the first live audience I had ever had in my life and certainly the least expected.]

imagine some freakish not-a-human alien THING has shown up out of nowhere and is trying to get into your office building to study you. but it has no idea how to get past a revolving door. it tries for three hours. by the time it finally understands the concept of a revolving door and squeeze into the building everyone in the office is crowded into the lobby to watch and call helpful suggestions. it’s conclusively determined that the alien is definitely not a threat, except maybe to itself.

“eldritch horror beyond your comprehension” and it’s just a generic monster with tentacles and eyes

girl I’m comprehending you pretty easily you’re gonna have to try harder than that

in my dnd setting the most eldritch of creatures is an ape that is impossibly wide. Whatever room you're in, this ape is wider than that. Imagine the widest room you can imagine. This ape is wider. It's other proportions remain the same. His name is Wide Ape.

everyone go home we got a winner

if you ever feel like killing yourself simply remember the majestic pelican