fun-hating communist, she/her, 20

one of our friends told us she wanted to remove 4 of her ribs, and we objected to the idea for radical body modification. we tried to argue against the motives, but then we remembered who we are, and our ideologies, and we corrected. we'll always support someones radical body modification ideas.

today we talked to our therapist about the sex stuff we've been talking about with our friends and journaling about here, (needing to be drunk to be sexually intimate) as well as some stuff we haven't really journaled about or spoken with almost anyone about due to not even wanting to think about it (getting grossed out by genitals / sex fluids / saliva / sweat / smells / breath / mouths and dealing with this by just powering through it until we became able to handle it. eventually we taught ourselves to get excited by the gross feeling, or just focus on just pleasuring our partner. eventually we learned that the more drunk we get, the more easily we're able to tolerate the grossness.) and our therapist said we talked about a lot of super vulnerable stuff which we've been trying to do this whole time. some people have suggested we're asexual, but we dont want to be. its just some weird germaphobia. we want to do all of these things, and we do like these things we just have to stop feeling gross which is really difficult.

we watched mind game with our friend autumn and she really liked the movie. it was late when it ended though and the inside of my head started getting really bad so i delayed autumn leaving over and over by wanting a hug before i went to bed alone for the night. she said she could sleep with us but we didn't want her to. i really wanted to apologize for not being able to be intimate but we didn't want to risk sounding like we were disgusted BY her. our head is so fucking loud.

we didnt sleep at 2am after she left. at 4:30 we started texting another friend about how much we love homewrecking and it made them uncomfortable. we'll stop talking about homewrecking with this person but we are notttttt faltering in our homewrecking. well. we're stopping for a little bit for reasons like figuring out our problems with sex, just not because of shame or anything. we cant do evil homewrecking endeavors correctly, every time we've been respecting boundaries and making sure whoever we're talking to properly breaks up first and even rejecting opportunities to really home wreck because we dont want the person to feel bad about later... cant help loving the woman more than we hate the man.