Big Smiling Monkey

'Dirty' is a concept invented by British imperialists to keep you from enjoying God's nectar: Swamp Water!

Stop drinking the swamp water pukicho

No pain no gain

Drink from the rusty bucket of haunted bog water.

They don't even give us bread & circuses anymore. All we get is ramen & doomscroll. They enshittified bread & circuses. Nothing is sacred.

Bread is now more expensive than circuses.

We have been drafted into the circus - we are at the mercy of clowns

There's this ancient technique I know that has a lower risk! You can nod. Tried it. Works like a charm 9 times out of 13. Just be careful it's not a fae, they already took my first-born son because of this.

they should rewrite the bible so that jesus would be a hot 5'2 girl with a creampie fetish from missouri

Yeah they should male her a lesbian

And make her have a thing for buff women

have her get nailed on a piece of wood instead of getting nailed to a piece of wood lol

the only roman emperor i respect is honorius because, during his reign, rome was sacked, and when someone brought him the news that rome had perished he freaked out bc he thought they were talking about his pet bird named "rome," and when they explained that they were talking about the city he was like "oh thank god. who gives a shit"

shouldve called his ass hilarious

"At that time they say that the Emperor Honorius in Ravenna received the message from one of the eunuchs, evidently a keeper of the poultry, that Rome had perished. And he cried out and said, 'And yet it has just eaten from my hands!' For he had a very large cock, Rome by name; and the eunuch comprehending his words said that it was the city of Rome which had perished at the hands of Alaric, and the emperor with a sigh of relief answered quickly: 'But I thought that my fowl Rome had perished.' So great, they say, was the folly with which this emperor was possessed." —Procopius, The Vandalic War (III.2.25–26)

He had a what?!?!

I like to tell people that starfish “arms” are less like arms and more like heads, since they have their own eyes, sniffers, and brains. It’s an animal with five heads that are all loosely communicating via one central stomach

look I don’t want to tell anyone what to do but if you go down that path you will wake up a thousand years later and all your great-grandchildren will be dead

But I get a thousand year nap out of it?

That’s not the intended use Sir

But I get a thousand year nap out of it???

In multiple mermaid languages, the words for “bag” and “footwear” are interchangeable. In a sense, it’s poetic, as footwear is needed to “carry” yourself on land.

sailor *taking off his shoes*: Why is my life like this??!?

Crocks dont sink though

I was high off my ass last night and had this dream where I was in this dense ass forest and sitting there was a tall woman. She was so tall I couldn’t see her face but she was wearing gold and I was like “uh...hi?” And she said “I made you, do you know that?” And I nodded and she was like “I hear your thoughts. Why do you hate my creation? Why do you try to destroy yourself? I made you perfect as you are. Please don’t break my heart”. Then she started crying and it flooded and I woke up with fucking heart palpitations like what does it Mean™️????

Does anyone else ever think about how traditional fiction is categorised by plot/setting (romance, crime, thriller, fantasy) but fanfiction is categorised by the emotions it’s meant to give you (hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, smut)?

Never thought of it this way, but that’s fascinatingly true.

#smut: the fifth emotion

^ I misread that as “filth emotion”.

I just CACKLED at the filth emotion but like…it makes sense even if it’s a typo 😹

Hollywood really could have that category

Who wants to hear a DIY tiling pro tip that the experts won't tell you

Yes!

Do not drop your phone into the bucket of tile adhesive. This step is actually completely unnecessary and massively complicates the tiling process.

You say this but my uncle is a tiler and he swears by the “drop phone in putty bucket” technique. I think you’re just posting this for clout

Your uncle is caught up in a tradition that he was taught as an apprentice that he never questioned. Modern putty doesn't require phone, the formula has changed.

MY uncle says some customers still demand the phone putty technique because it "doesn't look right otherwise"

Drop an empty phone case in and those customers can't tell the fucking difference because there is no fucking difference.

My mum renovated houses for thirty years, she says “you’re half right, but in some cases - particularly in houses built before 1930 - the phone does add some benefit. Could be a tablet too if you’ve an old one in the garage. And anyone who says it’s got to be a particular model is just being precious about it, whatever the forums say.”

IPhones and tablets where invented in 1898, what did they do before then?

Nothing, tiles were invented in 1899.

my sister the historian studied ancient pompeiian tile mosiacs and there's definitely graffiti of dropping cans on strings into the buckets of putty, so it goes way back.