Dicks And Stones May Break My Bones

i am not those people

i think im dying

0:47

see how the focus is on the air above the table and none of the chairs swivel?

i know some real jerks that fancy themselves the "fandom mom" or get too into the matriarch role. like, i did look to them as my glimpse into the future, but its not something you pick for yourself. i learned to distrust people like that

me: im shitty with kids, dont put me around them, im going to look at them wrong and traumatize them. they need to learn so much why their brains are growing and i cant teach them enough to keep up.

also me: this fandom where everyone younger than me (for some reason thing happens more frequently as i get older?). i need to watch my labguage, speak to them patiently, encourage them, and make these kids laugh.

i was shitty at talking to people for so long, kind of an asshole, that maybe it made me really sensitive about how to talk to people. the times i said something stupid feel awful, but the moments become solid tributes to my mistakes that i can see and avoid

i guess i trained him to think he's in a diaper at night... emergency bath made him pretty upset. he normally doesnt like to be held, but he needed it now. i know thats the custom after i give him a bath, the only time he likes it, but im worried im receiving a message i cant get straight.

i cant tell if the pain killers are making him so anxious he shakes or if he needs more

the vet technician offered me a supplement name and i talked to the vet about more tests, but my mother fucked that all up like a giant child. she talked over the techbician going "nonono".

she wants him dead so bad but she pretends like if she flagellates herself enough, says shes doing it for us, then the whole world will forgive her and she can take the laziest route. i dont know what i can say to the vet or what she said to them. its her name on file.

i feel like i cant see what to do clearly. like there is a wall thats hiding the key to making him happy and painless and something selfish in me obscuring the ability to think of it.