This is universal. This comedy transcends time and language.
Hes right
#my guy lost knife priviledges real fast

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@aroqueerfandoms
This is universal. This comedy transcends time and language.
Hes right
#my guy lost knife priviledges real fast

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>listening to nin
>hear a new layer to song ive relistened to over and over
>"wow i cant believe i never noticed this before! i wonder what kind of synth he used. its very forboding in a specific way only nin can achieve"
>pause song to write post praising nin
>the synth specifically keeps playing despite the rest of the song being paused
>look outside window
>garbage truck
same energy
la classique
when they were kids Svetlana accidentally turned Ilya into a rap nerd. every summer she'd visit her mom's family in america and her black cousins would be completely appalled that the little russian girl didn't know who Tupac was. they'd spend the whole trip educating her, then send her back to russia with a backpack full of burned CDs. of course Svetlana immediately passed all that knowledge on to Ilya. by the time they're teenagers they have an encyclopedic knowledge of american rap. they make a sport out of finding underground russian rappers and get into heated arguments about production.
it genuinely disappoints Ilya when he gets to Boston and realizes his rich white suburban hockey teammates have absolutely no idea what the fuck he's talking about because they're all listening to like The Killers.
HEATED RIVALRY 1.01 / 1.02 / 1.04 / 1.05

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SHANE AND ILYA in HEATED RIVALRY⏤ 1.02, “Olympians”
I love this idea about Shane getting it messed up from the start and thinking he and Ilya WERE dating since they exchanged numbers. Not exclusive, but also not casual. They just didn't have a lot of time. So the little domestic, affectionate things he does and says don't freak Ilya out too bad (he figures Shane just does that with all his hookups.)
BUT. I'd love to see that fact come out. When Ilya tells Shane, 'We are nothing' Shane can't entirely stop himself from starting to say 'No. I mean. But. Not... nothing, right? We-'
And that night, before he realizes how wrong he got it, he sends Ilya a slew of texts:
Sorry I freaked you out today.
I was just worried.
When you said Nothing you were just trying to, like, get me to go away right?
Because Russia?
I mean, I know we're not exclusive or whatever. But.
Nothing? You didn't mean that, right?
Rozanov?
So in Vegas, Shane is even more embarrassed than angry. Ilya walks into the bathroom and as soon as he laughs, he has to stop Shane from walking out. They have an awkward conversation in which Ilya still asks Shane to meet him later, and Shane asks 'But it would just be sex, right? Just... casual? Like. Nothing else?' And Ilya, thinking that's what Shane is hoping for after what a disappointment Ilya turned out to be (he's figured out now that Shane must have been trying something other than casual with him before) shrugs and says 'Yes. Of course' because he'll take what can get (and now that he's fumbled Shane once maybe it's even safe for him to have it? Because surely Shane won't want much from him now.)
Then the penthouse happens, but it hits them both EVEN HARDER. Because it's the first time either of them has ACTUALLY treated it like just sex, and Shane is oddly quiet until he says 'I don't think I can do this again.' 'This?' 'Just sex. Like this. Casual.' 'Hollander, it has been just sex for us from the beginning, yes?' But not even Ilya can keep up the pretense when Shane tries to leave without saying anything else, shaking (because he can't speak without giving himself away even worse) and Ilya just can't take it. He stops Shane and Shane breaks down and the escalation that began at All-Stars in canon actually begins that year in Vegas.
PHM fanart
ilya’s phone background is a revolving set of pictures of the kids and shane and anya in different formations
shane’s phone background hasn’t been changed in 15 years and its a screenshot of ilyas calvin klein shoot with the google search “ilya rozanov ck” visible at the top and its zoomed in just a little bit awkwardly towards his abs (and therefore also his crotch) and their teenage kids think its the most embarrassing thing in the world
i love the NBA offseason
this is elite shithousery lmao

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Number
After a meeting with the centaurs management, ilya finds shane crying in their walk in closet | words: 1444
Ilya and Shane are both home on this lovely Friday afternoon, a rare occurrence for them these days. Shane came home from a meeting a bit ago, and headed upstairs to change. He’s been up there for a while, and Ilya is getting impatient.
He’s hoping to spend the afternoon playing some video games, or doing a workout. Or really, whatever Shane wants to do, as long as they’re together. Because they’re out, they’re engaged. And they’re going to play on the same team (bearing all went well with Shane’s meeting today).
Ilya wanders into his (now their) bedroom and doesn’t see Shane, but he does hear something coming from the big walk in closet.
The door is closed, so he moves a little closer to
investigate. As he places the sound, he immediately feels a knot well in his throat.
Shane is crying. All alone. In his their closet.
so this smirk means everything to me actually
Like, yes, "we didn't kiss" hurts all our hearts and it's easy to pin that on Ilya. In the book, it's a little clearer that Shane sees this is a consequence of their circumstances more than a reflection of anything Ilya may or may not feel.
But what the show makes clearer is why Ilya has to stay as far back as humanly fucking possible if he wants to let this shit between them cool down just a little. Their first night in the condo had him locking his doors (not responding to Shane's texts for 6 months) and boarding the windows (being mean to scare Shane off when Shane talked to him in Sochi). Shane asks Ilya where he was when he's late backstage. HE WAS IN THE SAME BATHROOM SHANE HIDES OUT IN AFTERWARDS, TRYING NOT TO FREAK OUT.
But one hint that Shane cares even enough to be jealous and Ilya was wrenching open the locks and tearing down the boards himself. With his teeth. He sets up this whole elaborately fuckboy-coded scene for them to try and stick to his plan. AND THIS IS THE LOOK SHANE GIVES HIM.
SIX MONTHS OF SILENCE, HIS BEST FUCKBOY SUPREME SKIT IN THE BATHROOM, HIS COLD AS ICE SCHTICK IN THE PENTHOUSE AND ALL OF IT JUST MAKES SHANE HOTTER.
HE CANNOT BE DEFEATED. HE CAN ONLY BE WITHSTOOD.
Y'all are out here writing fic after fic to punish Ilya for the way he behaved during the Sochi/Vegas period, and this man was just here FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE.
Shane getting pissed off and turning to Ilya to make grabby hands and say really petulantly “I need to hold my baby” and Ilya is in his arms in seconds smiling like he won an award
Ok but headcanon that Shane is one of those people who will just write “Love, Shane” at the bottom of a card UNTIL he feels comfortable being vulnerable with that person, at which point he writes the most heartbreakingly sweet and earnest notes
And no one is ever ready for the switch, and even after it happens they can never fully prepare themselves for what they’re going to get. Shane has learned that when he’s going to do that he should take them aside to give them the card rather than in front of people
Once Shane feels comfortable with Hayden as a genuinely good friend in his birthday card that year he writes out a whole thing about how he’s always wanted a best friend like other kids had but never had one and had accepted he never would, and then Hayden came into his life and gave him a level of love and friendship he never thought he would get and he loves everything about Hayden and can’t wait to be by his side as friends and brothers for the rest of their lives. Hayden fully breaks down and loses it, Jackie notices they’ve been gone a while and walks into the kitchen to see Hayden hugging Shane and sobbing into his shoulder. She raises her eyebrows at Shane and Shane just gives her the OK sign and goes back to rubbing Hayden’s back
Ilya learns about the card thing when it’s yunas birthday and he notices her opening Shane’s card like she’s deactivating a bomb. She stares silently as she reads it and Ilya starts freaking out a little when she starts to tear up and then pulls Shane in for a long silent hug. He looks at it later and sees that Shane wrote about how the last year made him realize over again how lucky he is to have someone as strong and supportive as her as a mother and he hopes to one day be half the parent to his own kids as she was to him
When it’s their first time having Ilya’s birthday together he’s legitimately nervous because this is his first Shane Card and he doesn’t know what to expect and part of him is afraid he’s built it up too much in his head and Shane won’t have as nice things to say as he did with other people. And then he opens the envelope and there’s no card but instead multiple pieces of paper because Shane couldn’t fit it all into a limited space. Ilya spends the better part of the next hour walking around the house reading it, taking breaks occasionally to cry or hyperventilate before going back to reading it because holy shit does Shane Hollander love him. Like he knew logically that Shane did but now he’s got pages and pages of Shane walking him through his feelings over the last decade of their life and every moment he remembered and cherished. Shane finally catches up to him and he’s on the floor of the kitchen, face a splotchy red mess, chugging Gatorade because he’s dehydrated from crying
David texts later to ask how his first Shane Card was and he just sends a wall of crying emojis and David is like “LOL yup, the first Father’s Day he did that for me I had to take the week off work or else I would remember it and cry in my office”
College AU Russian studies major Shane Hollander forgets to tell the fuckbuddy he met through his speaking tutor Svetlana Vetrova that he is fluent in Russian and that he understands phrases like "you're so fucking perfect" and "you have ruined me" and "you look like a sexy librarian you perfect slut"
Ilya, whiny voice: come back to bed hollander i want to fuck you
Shane: can't i really need to finish this essay
Ilya: whats it on maybe i can help you
Shane, sweating staring at 2k words on modern russian pop culture: haha probably not no it's boring
op don't let these die in the tags
Ok right back at ya
Reading that made me realise i think the moment Ilya said я тебя люблю (i love you) is the moment that shane finally responds я тоже (me too)
Which means ilya has to confront two things at the same time which is "omg he loves me back" and also "WTF WHY DOES HE SPEAK RUSSIAN AND WHY IS HIS PRONUNCIATION LOW KEY GOOD"

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When did your English get so good? Why wasn’t I around to see it? Why did you stop answering? Who was teaching you? Is there somebody out there teaching you new words & phrases that I’ll never get to say to you? What did I do wrong? Why are you being an asshole? Can you please touch me?
its important to me that all y'all know that mannertee has an arch nemesis
his name is Ikanzame and he's a shark with bad driving etiquette!!
ikanzame!!! your people of virginia desire you carnally!!!!