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when they were kids Svetlana accidentally turned Ilya into a rap nerd. every summer she'd visit her mom's family in america and her black cousins would be completely appalled that the little russian girl didn't know who Tupac was. they'd spend the whole trip educating her, then send her back to russia with a backpack full of burned CDs. of course Svetlana immediately passed all that knowledge on to Ilya. by the time they're teenagers they have an encyclopedic knowledge of american rap. they make a sport out of finding underground russian rappers and get into heated arguments about production.
it genuinely disappoints Ilya when he gets to Boston and realizes his rich white suburban hockey teammates have absolutely no idea what the fuck he's talking about because they're all listening to like The Killers.
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I love this idea about Shane getting it messed up from the start and thinking he and Ilya WERE dating since they exchanged numbers. Not exclusive, but also not casual. They just didn't have a lot of time. So the little domestic, affectionate things he does and says don't freak Ilya out too bad (he figures Shane just does that with all his hookups.)
BUT. I'd love to see that fact come out. When Ilya tells Shane, 'We are nothing' Shane can't entirely stop himself from starting to say 'No. I mean. But. Not... nothing, right? We-'
And that night, before he realizes how wrong he got it, he sends Ilya a slew of texts:
Sorry I freaked you out today.
I was just worried.
When you said Nothing you were just trying to, like, get me to go away right?
Because Russia?
I mean, I know we're not exclusive or whatever. But.
Nothing? You didn't mean that, right?
Rozanov?
So in Vegas, Shane is even more embarrassed than angry. Ilya walks into the bathroom and as soon as he laughs, he has to stop Shane from walking out. They have an awkward conversation in which Ilya still asks Shane to meet him later, and Shane asks 'But it would just be sex, right? Just... casual? Like. Nothing else?' And Ilya, thinking that's what Shane is hoping for after what a disappointment Ilya turned out to be (he's figured out now that Shane must have been trying something other than casual with him before) shrugs and says 'Yes. Of course' because he'll take what can get (and now that he's fumbled Shane once maybe it's even safe for him to have it? Because surely Shane won't want much from him now.)
Then the penthouse happens, but it hits them both EVEN HARDER. Because it's the first time either of them has ACTUALLY treated it like just sex, and Shane is oddly quiet until he says 'I don't think I can do this again.' 'This?' 'Just sex. Like this. Casual.' 'Hollander, it has been just sex for us from the beginning, yes?' But not even Ilya can keep up the pretense when Shane tries to leave without saying anything else, shaking (because he can't speak without giving himself away even worse) and Ilya just can't take it. He stops Shane and Shane breaks down and the escalation that began at All-Stars in canon actually begins that year in Vegas.
ilya’s phone background is a revolving set of pictures of the kids and shane and anya in different formations
shane’s phone background hasn’t been changed in 15 years and its a screenshot of ilyas calvin klein shoot with the google search “ilya rozanov ck” visible at the top and its zoomed in just a little bit awkwardly towards his abs (and therefore also his crotch) and their teenage kids think its the most embarrassing thing in the world
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After a meeting with the centaurs management, ilya finds shane crying in their walk in closet | words: 1444
Ilya and Shane are both home on this lovely Friday afternoon, a rare occurrence for them these days. Shane came home from a meeting a bit ago, and headed upstairs to change. He’s been up there for a while, and Ilya is getting impatient.
He’s hoping to spend the afternoon playing some video games, or doing a workout. Or really, whatever Shane wants to do, as long as they’re together. Because they’re out, they’re engaged. And they’re going to play on the same team (bearing all went well with Shane’s meeting today).
Ilya wanders into his (now their) bedroom and doesn’t see Shane, but he does hear something coming from the big walk in closet.
The door is closed, so he moves a little closer to
investigate. As he places the sound, he immediately feels a knot well in his throat.
Shane is crying. All alone. In his their closet.
And Ilya doesn’t know what to do. Obviously, Shane is hiding because he doesn’t want Ilya to hear him. So, maybe it’s best to give him some space. But also, he can’t just leave him to cry. What if he needs help?
So, Ilya quietly sits on the other side of the door, ear pressed to the wood.
He doesn’t know how long Shane has been in there. He got back from the meeting with Farah and the Ottawa management about half an hour ago, so it can’t be that long. He decides to give Shane five minutes, and then he’s going in.
The five minutes are absolutely painful. Hearing Shane cry and sniffle. Occasionally Ilya hears him take deep breaths to try and stop his tears, only for them to start again.
Ilya makes it about … ninety-five seconds before he’s opening the door. He probably should have knocked first, but unfortunately he’s not thinking and bursts right in.
He finds Shane on the floor in the middle of the room, sitting crisscrossed. His body is sort of slumped over his legs and one of his hands is covering his mouth, trying to hold in his sobs.
Shane turns his head towards the door as Ilya enters.
“Hey,” Ilya tries, using a soft voice. He immediately sits down next to Shane and pulls him into his side.
Shane buries his face into Ilya’s armpit, and although his tears were finally slowing down, they pick up all over again. Ilya wraps an arm around Shane and soothes his hand up and down his freckled arm.
“I’m sorry—“ Shane cries, turning his face further into Ilya’s shirt.
“No, no,” Ilya says. “Is okay. Cry. I just didn’t want to leave you alone.”
Shane shakes his head but doesn’t move from Ilya’s shoulder.
The tears continue for a bit, and the way Shane’s breath sometimes catches, almost hyperventilating, is what really freaks Ilya out.
After a few minutes of that, Ilya guides Shane to sit on the floor in the space between his outstretched legs, facing him. Shane’s legs wrap around Ilya’s torso and he grips onto him for dear life, tucking his face into Ilya’s neck. This position is better, with Ilya able to squeeze Shane with firm, even pressure.
Eventually, Ilya turns Shane’s face towards him to kiss him a bit, which often works as a good distraction when Shane is upset. Shane responds and kisses Ilya back for a minute before pulling away and tucking his head once more. That’s when Ilya is unable to stand it anymore.
“Okay,” Ilya says decisively. Not even the kissing helped! “Tell me what is wrong.”
Shane shakes his head.
“Tell me one thing,” Ilya repeats.
Shane shakes his head again, stubborn as always.
“Shane,” Ilya says, voice coming out sounding too stern, because he’s terrified.
This snaps Shane out of it, and finally he shares what he’s been crying about for half an hour.
“My number is retired,” Shane mumbles.
“What?” Ilya asks, not understanding.
“The meeting. With Ottawa. My number is retired, so I can’t keep it when I switch teams.”
Ilya takes that in for a moment. He visualizes the rafters of the arena he plays in every week, trying to remember if he’s ever seen 24 hanging there. He honestly doesn’t look upwards much, since there are no cup trophies hanging. But still, he should have known.
“Oh,” Ilya says, at a loss for words.
He knows why Shane is upset. His legacy, everything he’s built with Montreal, gone. He’ll never get to retire his number in the Bell Centre with his old team. Even if they were homophobic assholes, this is still hard on Shane who has made hockey his entire life. Well, his entire life until Ilya came along.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s stupid,” Shane says, voice dripping with guilt.
“No. It’s not, Hollander.” Ilya realizes, “is that why you were hiding in the closet?”
Shane nods his head, and Ilya feels it rather than sees it. “I didn’t want you to feel bad for me. You moved to the middle of nowhere in Canada to play on a shit team for me. The least I can do is take a pay cut and give up my stupid number.”
“It’s not stupid Hollander. It’s all your goals and your wins. And your stats. And your number. And your … наследие” Ilya struggles with the english word, but he knows Shane will know get it, even if he doesn’t know the word in Russian. “You are allowed to be upset.”
Shane starts tearing up again. “It just feels like I’m losing everything I worked so fucking hard for,” Shane says, miserable.
“I know, moya lyubov. But you are not. Your name is what matters, not your number.”
Shane’s face crumples again with pain. He thunks his forehead on Ilya’s shoulder. “Stop being so nice to me,” he sounds pitiful. “You’re making it worse.”
“What?! How?” Ilya says, exasperated. He frowns, his concern deepening.
“I’m selfish. You would give up even more for me. Hell, you already have. Your country, your city, your team.” His voice breaks when he adds, “I don’t deserve it.”
Ilya shushes him immediately, not having any of that.
“Yes, and I would do it all over again. I do not have regrets.”
“But—” Shane starts, and Ilya cuts him off.
“But, no. You have always cared more about hockey than I do. I am good. I am happy. But if you are not happy, I won’t be happy.” Ilya takes a deep breath, and as much as it pains him to say the words, he gets them out anyways. “You will be my husband. That is enough. If you need to stay in Montreal, then that is what you will do. We will make it work.”
Ilya finds Shane’s chin and lifts his face up until Shane’s eyes meet his own. “But I do not think you will be happy in Montreal any longer. You are not treated well. I think you will like it in Ottawa, as number twenty-four or number five-two.”
“I know,” Shane looks away, embarrassed.
“You have time. Think about it. Ottawa will wait for your decision.”
Shane shakes his head. “No, I want to do this. I’m just feeling sad.”
“You’ve been through a lot this year, Hollander. It is catching up with you.”
“What do I do?” his voice is small.
“We,” Ilya corrects. “Just keep going. Live how we want to live. Not worry about the NHL or the homophobes anymore.”
Shane nods and wraps his arms firmly around Ilya again, hugging him tight. Ilya suspects a few more tears escape, but he doesn’t mind. He’ll rub Shane’s back for as long as he needs.
———
Three weeks later, Shane comes home from his contract signing and finds Ilya in the living room. Shane’s wearing his new Centaurs jersey with a small, resigned smile on his face.
It’s still weird, and it still hurts to have a different number on his back. But maybe a new number is good for a new era.
Ilya has a serene smile on his face that takes Shane’s breath away.
“So, what did you choose Hollander?”
Shane smirks and turns around to show him.
Ilya takes in the number 18 on his back, and now it’s his turn for his eyes to well.
Ilya tackles him immediately, and is pulling down Shane’s shorts and getting on his knees as Shane laughs happily.
Shane thinks he’s going to like being a Centaur, even if he’ll no longer be number 24.
(Ten years later, number 18 and number 81 are both retired at the Canadian Tire Centre in Ottawa, the banners hanging next to each other in the rafters.)
Like, yes, "we didn't kiss" hurts all our hearts and it's easy to pin that on Ilya. In the book, it's a little clearer that Shane sees this is a consequence of their circumstances more than a reflection of anything Ilya may or may not feel.
But what the show makes clearer is why Ilya has to stay as far back as humanly fucking possible if he wants to let this shit between them cool down just a little. Their first night in the condo had him locking his doors (not responding to Shane's texts for 6 months) and boarding the windows (being mean to scare Shane off when Shane talked to him in Sochi). Shane asks Ilya where he was when he's late backstage. HE WAS IN THE SAME BATHROOM SHANE HIDES OUT IN AFTERWARDS, TRYING NOT TO FREAK OUT.
But one hint that Shane cares even enough to be jealous and Ilya was wrenching open the locks and tearing down the boards himself. With his teeth. He sets up this whole elaborately fuckboy-coded scene for them to try and stick to his plan. AND THIS IS THE LOOK SHANE GIVES HIM.
SIX MONTHS OF SILENCE, HIS BEST FUCKBOY SUPREME SKIT IN THE BATHROOM, HIS COLD AS ICE SCHTICK IN THE PENTHOUSE AND ALL OF IT JUST MAKES SHANE HOTTER.
HE CANNOT BE DEFEATED. HE CAN ONLY BE WITHSTOOD.
Y'all are out here writing fic after fic to punish Ilya for the way he behaved during the Sochi/Vegas period, and this man was just here FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE.
Shane getting pissed off and turning to Ilya to make grabby hands and say really petulantly “I need to hold my baby” and Ilya is in his arms in seconds smiling like he won an award
Ok but headcanon that Shane is one of those people who will just write “Love, Shane” at the bottom of a card UNTIL he feels comfortable being vulnerable with that person, at which point he writes the most heartbreakingly sweet and earnest notes
And no one is ever ready for the switch, and even after it happens they can never fully prepare themselves for what they’re going to get. Shane has learned that when he’s going to do that he should take them aside to give them the card rather than in front of people
Once Shane feels comfortable with Hayden as a genuinely good friend in his birthday card that year he writes out a whole thing about how he’s always wanted a best friend like other kids had but never had one and had accepted he never would, and then Hayden came into his life and gave him a level of love and friendship he never thought he would get and he loves everything about Hayden and can’t wait to be by his side as friends and brothers for the rest of their lives. Hayden fully breaks down and loses it, Jackie notices they’ve been gone a while and walks into the kitchen to see Hayden hugging Shane and sobbing into his shoulder. She raises her eyebrows at Shane and Shane just gives her the OK sign and goes back to rubbing Hayden’s back
Ilya learns about the card thing when it’s yunas birthday and he notices her opening Shane’s card like she’s deactivating a bomb. She stares silently as she reads it and Ilya starts freaking out a little when she starts to tear up and then pulls Shane in for a long silent hug. He looks at it later and sees that Shane wrote about how the last year made him realize over again how lucky he is to have someone as strong and supportive as her as a mother and he hopes to one day be half the parent to his own kids as she was to him
When it’s their first time having Ilya’s birthday together he’s legitimately nervous because this is his first Shane Card and he doesn’t know what to expect and part of him is afraid he’s built it up too much in his head and Shane won’t have as nice things to say as he did with other people. And then he opens the envelope and there’s no card but instead multiple pieces of paper because Shane couldn’t fit it all into a limited space. Ilya spends the better part of the next hour walking around the house reading it, taking breaks occasionally to cry or hyperventilate before going back to reading it because holy shit does Shane Hollander love him. Like he knew logically that Shane did but now he’s got pages and pages of Shane walking him through his feelings over the last decade of their life and every moment he remembered and cherished. Shane finally catches up to him and he’s on the floor of the kitchen, face a splotchy red mess, chugging Gatorade because he’s dehydrated from crying
David texts later to ask how his first Shane Card was and he just sends a wall of crying emojis and David is like “LOL yup, the first Father’s Day he did that for me I had to take the week off work or else I would remember it and cry in my office”
College AU Russian studies major Shane Hollander forgets to tell the fuckbuddy he met through his speaking tutor Svetlana Vetrova that he is fluent in Russian and that he understands phrases like "you're so fucking perfect" and "you have ruined me" and "you look like a sexy librarian you perfect slut"
Reading that made me realise i think the moment Ilya said я тебя люблю (i love you) is the moment that shane finally responds я тоже (me too)
Which means ilya has to confront two things at the same time which is "omg he loves me back" and also "WTF WHY DOES HE SPEAK RUSSIAN AND WHY IS HIS PRONUNCIATION LOW KEY GOOD"
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When did your English get so good? Why wasn’t I around to see it? Why did you stop answering? Who was teaching you? Is there somebody out there teaching you new words & phrases that I’ll never get to say to you? What did I do wrong? Why are you being an asshole? Can you please touch me?
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