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shane thinking that ilya having a lot of casual sex means he's better at feeling casual about THEIR sex (shane, lol. lmao even.) and them being friends in hit or miss verse does offer the EXTREMELY funny scenario of shane trying to recruit ilya as his wingman to pick someone out one night
and ilya as he has been drafted into this is just 🙂 what if i buy a gun 🙂
GOD shane who finally does hook up with someone (couldn't find someone when ilya was around?? maybe they were intimidated because he's so hot?? mystery) and it's like. fine. the guy is. fine. he goes down on shane and shane goes down on him, and it's fine. shane at the end is a little "... that's it?" but it's not traumatic or anything. it's just. fine.
but ilya who has been on alert that shane was interested in fucking other people teasingly (...at least outwardly) asks if shane has had any luck, and shane doesn't want to say "yeah, but it was just okay. it feels so much better with you and i don't know why." because that feels Needy And Not Casual. so instead he pulls a "yeah, i did! it was really fun. he was hot."
and ilya who is hearing kill bill sirens is just 🙂yay🙂
#Re:tags I think this would be even funnier if the more Shane hooked up casually the more he realized that GREAT sex is a matter of chance#Thinking about an interview I read years ago about a guy who was heavily involved in the gay scene in Berlin and said#he has like 500 hookups a year and out of those maybe 10 in 100 are decent and 1 every 200 is truly GOOD good iirc#And so he has some mediocre experiences some uncomfortable experiences some just ok experiences...and then he has one REALLY good experienc#like on par with Ilya good maybe even better. And he's like THANK GOD nothing's wrong with me I'm NOT 🙅🏽♂️❌ 👎🏽in love#with my best friend!!! in the immediate aftermath and then the guy just like. Gently kicks him out As Is Standard Hookup Practice#and Shane on the walk home feels EXACTLY like he felt after all the other hookups. I.e. weirdly disappointed and dissatisfied. And#now has to confront the fact that “he's the best I've ever had” is in fact NOT the reason why he misses Ilya#whenever he's in bed with another man!! He just had maybe the best sex of his life and he's walking home grumpy and feeling vaguely empty#bc the guy didn't laugh like Ilya and he didn't smile like Ilya and he didn't make cringey jokes like Ilya#and Shane didn't know his way around his bathroom like at Ilya's house and the guy didn't know about the ticklish spot behind Shane's ear#like Ilya and oh fuck it's not the sex. It's fucking FEELINGS fuck!!!! He buries this next time Ilya fucks him it's EVEN BETTER bc Ilya#is JEALOUS so now it's BOTH that he knows he has feelings AND that he knows Ilya is a statistically one-in-a-million good lay#even disregarding emotional attachment. FUCK WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THIS!!! Rose in the background: Lock him down!! #heated rivalry#Vladi speaks#Like I want the fakeout emotional rollercoaster of hmm I've been having casual sex for quite some time now and NOTHING is as good as with#Ilya do I maybe...have to ask myself if there's a deeper reason it's always better with Ilya -> NEVERMIND BREAKDOWN CANCELLED HE'S JUST A#GENERATIONAL TALENT AT SUCKING DICK haha fuck I'm so relieved!!! No hard conversations in MY future 😎 -> oh.. oh fuck#-> ok so I DO have feelings but it's still kind of nice to know that while Ilya's a cut above the rest I can get same or better quality#dicking down if he doesn't like me back and never wants to sleep with me again if he ever finds out -> oh fuck Oh No oh fuck. Why did he#have to step it up EVEN FURTHER. FUCK that's my backup plan out the window!! What the fuck do I do now!!!
@shakespearerants
WAIT FUCK
oh man
part of this being that shane has had enough sex with other people atp that he's more comfortable going "no, wrong. no good for me. do it better." (because also?? frustrating that NO ONE!! is bringing their a game!!! fuck's sake!! everyone get better at sex with him specifically NOW!!) and this guy is good on his own but significantly is also COACHABLE. so shane is able to tell him what he likes and ends up running sex with ilya software on a different person and is just!! FINALLY!! someone getting a good grade in fucking!! at last!!
but then it's over and now?? different?? wait, no. guy even catches his breath leaning against him and even in the immediate aftermath shane is a lil "okay...stop touching me now" because while having sex!! he was doing Ilya Sex!! right speed, right holding shane's leg at the perfect angle to not hurt his hip but let him get deep! perfect! the kissing wasn't as good and he didn't have his mouth on shane's neck like he likes and didn't have nice soft hair to hold onto, but still! felt the same in the moment!
but now this is a body that is Not Ilya touching him, and shane does not like it. it's not AWFUL or anything, but it's not the body he's gotten used to touching for literal years now. and he doesn't know how shane likes being touched either. ilya always touches him slow and firm after when he's coming down, and this guy is touching him too light and also not sticking to a pattern until shane is finally just *holds hand in place* that's enough.
and guy is polite! tries to make smalltalk, but it's stilted in a way it wasn't with ilya even in their first real conversation together. so shane cleans up in the bathroom (and these are not Safe For Him products?? fuck, forgot about that, damn) and also now has to put on jeans and his shirt again because this isn't ilya's house where he can just help himself to ilya's sweats and then raid his fridge because everything here is safe (besides the "NOT FOR SHANES"-labelled nutella in its designated No Hollanders Cabinet because ilya thinks he's funny and eats it only in the weeks they def won't be seeing each other). and it's just not COMFORTABLE. and part of that is that this guy is a stranger and doesn't have years of knowing each other with him.
but also. this guy is a stranger and doesn't have years of knowing each other with him.
and shane doesn't really. want to know him.
and he's willing to linger a bit because ilya always snuggles with him a little and has since the start, but guy is just "ugh, that late already? god, i can't believe i have to be up so early tomorrow." in what's clearly a polite "okay, bye" signal. and like. that's fine. but also like. no snuggles?? even a little bit?? but the fucking felt like Ilya Fucking and now we're not doing the end part of that. what the fuck???
so then he hooks up with ilya again next time, and ilya just Knows. shane doesn't have to coach him at all. he just does it and reads what shane wants and gives it to him no problem and shane just gets to let go and feel good. and then after??? soft smooches. teasing joke about battleship. shared shower with products shane gets to use no problem and then pulling on ilya's clothes and getting to have dinner picked to be safe for him and then settling down on a couch he's been relaxing on for years with his head on ilya's shoulder and it all just feels SO good. it's so COMFORTABLE.
It's truly the excuses falling one after the others like dominos xD. "I'm not in love I just feel like this because everyone else sucks at sex" BZZT INCORRECT! "I feel like this because Ilya does specific things I like in bed that nobody else does to me" BZZT INCORRECT. "Fuck ok I feel like this because it's Ilya. But well if he doesn't feel the same I at least have a chance of finding the best sex of my life with someone else" BZZT INCORRECT. "Ok fuck Ilya is it for me on every level but he doesn't feel the same he strictly likes me as a friend and fuck buddy so I should never ever say anything to him" BZZT INCORRECT!!!
To be honest I really like the idea that what prompts this whole domino chain is actually someone else doing something in bed that Shane really likes that Ilya HASN'T done/thought of (yet)! Because yes of course Ilya has been Shane's most formative sexual partner, and in this 'verse of course ther "I think I like you [implied: as a person/beyond our sexual relationship]" Florida All Stars pivotal moment doesn't really make sense because well they're best friends of COURSE they like each other beyond sex! So Shane knows he likes the sex and he knows he likes Ilya and he knows all the one night stands don't measure up...what's the explanation that makes sense if "I'm in love with him" isn't an option (because it can't be an option)? Ilya is just Better At Sex, of course. Naturally no one else measures up, they're not putting in the work! No need to confront feelings, it's just a fact that Shane would of course miss Ilya during any hookup, he's having a subpar experience and simply comparing notes!
Only then. There's this guy. And he does things Ilya hasn't even THOUGHT of. It's new. It's exciting. It's GOOD. Why does Shane still feel like he's MISSING ILYA IN THIS SITUATION???!!!!!
Ok ok maybe he's just so used to the way he and Ilya have sex that he's automatically thinking about him. Hmmm ok round two this time we ask the hot club pull to do EXACTLY what Ilya does in bed maybe it's just that Shane really really likes the way Ilya grips his thigh for leverage when he pushes into him and he misses that and THAT'S why he can't get him out of his head?? Maybe??
shane "overthinker supreme" hollander having the lightbulb moment of !! of course i was thinking of ilya!! i was making him do ilya's moves!! duh!! i will do it again and let him fuck me in his own style and then i won't think of or want ilya!! perfect solution!!
and left to his own devices, the guy is GOOD in this second round. like he knows his shit and it's GOOD. shane still isn't as fully relaxed or "i am nothing but pleasure rn" puddle as he is with ilya, but this is GOOD! SEX!
anD FUCKING YET
guy does something REALLY good, and shane's first thought is "oh, i should ask ilya to do that"
FUCK
sex is also mental, and i am cracking up imagining shane being SO fucking grumpy that this feels good and is so hot and yet ilya, this MOTHERFUCKER, won't get out!! of his head!! what the FUCK is wrong!!! poor guy is just like "you good?" and shane is >:( yes. >:( you're great at this. >:( i'm so close. >:( don't stop. >:(
so now running his hypothesis with ilya and getting ilya to do this guy's moves because maybe!! he'll now think of this guy!! that is clearly the solution here!!! (also making ilya internally FURIOUS. he'll do it and he's going to try and do it the best anyone has EVER done it. but he is getting blueprints of someone else fucking shane, and he is BIG ANGY about it.) BUT NO. GREAT MOVE FEELS EVEN FUCKING BETTER WHEN ILYA IS DOING IT TO HIM.
FUCK HIS FUCKING EVERYTHING.
and shane is just OUTRAGED fury (and a little bit desperation because he CAN'T be in love with ilya. that's not what they are. everyone knows they're friends. end of sentence.) and thinks fine! fucking fine! just need to get to know this guy and then i will think about him when he's fucking me and no one else. HAS TO BE THE SOLUTION HERE. and it continues!! to be great fucking sex!!! he sees guy regularly now!! even watches a game with him!! he tried sharing hockey with him!! and spent the whole fucking time!! wishing he was watching with ilya instead!!! FUCK
(also obvi sad for other dude but funny to imagine other guy catching some feelings here and shane accidentally creating a one-sided situationship while trying to fix what he thinks is his own one-sided situationship)
and then tuna meltdown happening because ilya is SO jealous atp. because HE thinks that other people are fucking the shane HE fucks! and the idea of someone else getting soft, starry-eyed, trusting shane under them makes him SO fucking furious. (little does he know: he is the only one who has fucked that version of shane. ilya is the only one shane trusts enough to be like that in bed.) (BUT THEY DON'T COMMUNICATE FOR SHIT SO HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT) (AND HE IS READY TO CHEW THROUGH DRYWALL WITH RAGE ABOUT IT.) so they have their cutesy boyfriend rp and it isn't THAT different from what they normally do, but they have their shane on ilya's lap stroking them both off moment, and ilya is soft and happy and content but still has at the back of his mind that he is in A Contest For Shane and so teasingly tosses out a, "better than [name of other guy]?"
and the answer is yes. even just stroking them both off more than slightly dry and almost fully dressed in broad daylight and with tuna breath, and it's STILL better than other guy. it's better than the best with the other guy.
and it CAN'T BE.
he CAN'T feel like this. because ilya doesn't feel the same! he can do all of this and feel casual enough to tease shane about the other people he's fucking! this means nothing to ilya even though it feels like SO MUCH to shane!!!
so for the first time in YEARS, shane ends up spending the night in a hotel in boston.
and the knowledge of it means that neither he nor ilya sleeps at all.
svetlana always knowing that her dad respected ilya--that he was the favorite son twice over in his family and hers. svetlana unfairly and bitterly when she's 14 thinking she'd kill to have someone call her lazy because then at least there's the implication that she could do something great, that her skill and strength would be an expectation. ilya being told to work on his conditioning; svetlana being told to straighten her hair.
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what are ur thoughts on how ilyuca might go down in the most angsty and grey shaded manner using canon interpretations?
As much as I love sweet ilyuca fics and haasollanov fics and love to read them... I think if ilyuca went down at ALL, with canon exactly as it is, it would be inherently angsty and grey shaded AT BEST.
Even looking past the Shane of it all, canonically, Ilya IS going through it with his depression at the time that he and Luca have their first one on one conversations that go anywhere beyond hockey. Canonically, Luca did grow up idolizing Ilya and it isn't clear whether he's entirely grown out of that. And, as much as fanon Luca loves to freespirit and explore, canonically Luca tells Ilya explicitly that he isn't looking to just hook up and have sex.
SO for them to have anything that ISN'T questionable, Ilya would have to be broken up with Shane first, he'd need to be examining his options in therapy to ensure he's not just self-soothing OR self-destructing by pursuing Luca, and he'd have to have an honest conversation with Luca about what they're doing.
For the MOST angsty and morally grey option?
I think, obviously, Ilya wouldn't be broken up with Shane. Maybe he'd mention Luca in therapy but maybe only as a temptation - never that anything is actually happening, and he'd redirect conversation if Galina ever got curious about something he's said, like it may have given him away. He would dodge any explicit 'define the relationship' discussions with Luca like they were the Matrix bullets to his Keanu Reeves/Neo...
And he would seek Luca out to self-soothe the FUCK out of himself every time he gets hurt or frustrated by Shane or the timeline Shane is still determined that they should stick to.
I don't think he'd mean to start. He'd be at a pretty low point in one of his mental spirals and he wouldn't purposefully pick Luca up - maybe they'd end up the last ones out on a rare occasion that Ilya has gone out with the team or last in the showers after a practice or home game.
Or maybe Ilya would drink too much and Luca would help him home from the bar. And for extra angst, maybe he's still a little drunk when they kiss/hook up that night, so Luca feels super guilty right after/scared he took advantage. So Ilya has reassuring Luca to focus on so he doesn't freak out over having cheated on Shane AND hooked up with "his rookie".
Maybe this also makes keeping them a secret without actually talking to Luca about keeping them a secret easier. Because Luca can assume at first that Ilya doesn't want people to know they started like THAT. Then he begins to suspect that Ilya is just being sweet, telling Luca it's okay, but it actually WASN'T. Ilya actually DIDN'T want this. He must want it now, at least a little, because it keeps happening, but Luca doesn't ask because he's so afraid it will stop. He sort of hates himself for it, but he doesn't want it to stop. It started as a ridiculous crush, but now Luca is FALLING, and Ilya is obviously ashamed to be hooking up with someone so young, so psycho over him that he shot his shot while Ilya was fucking DRUNK... But Luca won't be a baby rookie forever. And he will be SO good to Ilya. He will be so good FOR him, and maybe one day Ilya will really forgive him and want him enough that he doesn't feel like a guilty pleasure Ilya keeps secret and-
Of course, Ilya doesn't know any of this. He's just thankful Luca doesn't actually ask what Ilya thinks he's doing. Seems content to keep it between them. He told Ilya once that he isn't looking for just sex, but maybe he only thought that until he got a taste of "just sex" with Ilya? Or maybe he's still looking, and Ilya is just an opportunity he couldn't pass up along the way. (Or maybe he's content because they don't treat the "just sex" the way "just sex" was in the early days for Ilya and Shane. Luca has none of the emotional defense mechanisms Ilya and Shane had even back then - he cuddles and clings after like no alternative has even crossed his mind, he's way too openly fond and happy just to be near Ilya. He makes it abundantly clear that he is here to please Ilya, says things it would maybe cost Shane - and him - actual blood and flesh to push past their teeth, and it's ADDICTIVE, especially while Ilya is feeling so insufficient in regards to his place in Shane's life-)
I think Ilya would be ready to fess up and beg forgiveness after the first time. And then he'd start the conversation off in his signature roundabout way that would wander accidentally into a topic he and Shane are always almost fighting about, and they'd make up about it later. But in a dark, angry, hurt place immediately following that call, Ilya would have a stray thought like that it's probably a good thing he's already found someone to fuck like Shane's left him because it surely won't be long til he does. Or even something like 'Fine. Talk to me like you hate me. I've found someone who fucks me like they love me and I didn't even have to switch countries for it.'
Ilya would be horrified by the thoughts, and he and Shane would be fine hours or just the next morning later, but the ideas would stay with him. That even if Shane never finds out about Luca, he'll get sick of Ilya eventually, so nothing Ilya does will matter in the long run. Or that maybe if Shane is so happy to keep Ilya locked in his little box no matter how it hurts Ilya to be there, then Ilya isn't the bad guy for doing what he can to survive no matter how it might hurt Shane if he knew about it. Probably he'd go back and forth between thinking both things, sad and desperate for comfort and distraction, to vindictive and punishing the Shane in his head, to devastated and punishing HIMSELF...
I can't imagine Ilya, at his worst, wanting to bring someone else regularly into a bed he shares with Shane, so I think he'd take a page out of Shane's old book and purchase a place close to Centaur facilities for him and Luca to meet at. (And I think it would please that vindictive part of him when he first does it, then off and on between times that he feels like an even bigger pos for doing it).
I don't know where it would go from there. How it would end. Or if it just... wouldn't. If it would just become a thing Ilya and Luca NEVER discussed fully or directly. They would just stop for long stretches of time where Ilya would act like it had never happened and Luca would be noticeably heartbroken but let everyone think it was the end of another relationship he was mourning and not the SAME relationship he's been hopelessly wasting himself on for his entire adult life.
I don't LIKE the idea of that ending. It's especially bad for Luca, at least at first. I don't think he'd leave the Centaurs. Between the mixture of initial hero worship, being guided through his first ever sexual experiences with someone as intense and commanding as Ilya, Ilya's careful avoidance of ever outright lying or making any promises, and Luca's own maybe misplaced or at the least overindulged guilt, Luca would never work up a healthy enough sense of outrage or bitterness at Ilya for being with him while he was obviously always intending to be with Shane. He'd stay and he'd stay accessible to Ilya and that wouldn't do either of them any favors.
And in such an ending, I think Ilya would struggle for much longer but much less obviously with his depression. He'd treat too much by just starting their secret meetups back up with Luca. Big dips into depression, particularly bad arguments with Shane.
It wouldn't do Ilya and Shane any favors either. Shane would eventually HAVE to pick up on something between Ilya and Luca, even if he thinks the tension is because there's something there they've never explored rather than something that's been brewing for years. No telling what he'd think about how fights are different with Ilya now and why Ilya's depressive episodes are the way they are.
If anything got things to really go off the rails, I think it would be Ilya getting jealous enough about someone new Luca's with to try and hook up with him even though nothing is going wrong between Ilya and Shane or with Ilya's depression. Of course he'd be successful, even though Luca is with someone, because it's Ilya JEALOUS. Over LUCA. Luca would definitely cheat on his new person for Ilya, even if it had been years since the last time Ilya wanted him.
In my imagined scenario of this? They still have the place Ilya got for them. Because he gifted it to Luca and Luca never got rid of it or because Ilya didn't. But either eay, they go there and hook up and then Ilya CRACKS. Because he's not even self-soothing with this anymore. He's just doing it. And he HAS been going to therapy all this time, even if he's been fucking with the process by constantly lying about the Luca of it all. And he just suddenly can't NOT think about everything he's refused to think about this whole time. What he's doing with Luca and why. What he's been doing to Shane. What he's never told Shane did to him. He says EVERYTHING to Luca and Luca gets so freaked out... he calls Shane. Shane has to come and talk Ilya down from what Luca is afraid is a complete mental fucking breakdown. And Ilya confesses all of it again, quietly, to Shane.
Shane wouldn't leave him. Or let Ilya leave their relationship. Ilya and Luca would stop sleeping together, finally, I think. With all of the truth out. But I don't think either could ever cut the other out of their life. So it would be a messy, imperfect future for all of them but especially Ilya and Shane. They'd probably fuck about it, in one way or another, for the rest of their lives. It would rarely be pretty. But it would be satisfying to both of them in their own, equally but differently twisted ways, to stay together- to Shane because keeping Ilya would be a fucked up type of winning, and to Ilya because keeping Shane would be a fucked up kind of reassurance. (Ilya may have fucked around on Shane, but no one has taken him from Shane - not even Luca fucking Haas - and no one ever will. Shane may not always make Ilya feel very good about himself, but he has never left, no matter how badly Ilya has fucked up, which makes Ilya believe he never will.)
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The problem with all of the social media AUs using real photos of Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams is that those men are UNRECOGNIZABLE as Ilya/Shane out of character
i am delighted by the idea of shane in interviews after they've been outed just. being more himself.
not because he owes the world ANYTHING but because he already did ALL the right things and obeyed the media training and acted just how he was supposed to, and then his world got blown to smithereens anyway, so FUCK IT. he still mostly stays on the rails, but he is more relaxed in interviews with ilya because a little bit "fuck it" and a little bit "i'm sitting next to my favorite person while doing this"
they DO end up sidetracking each other, though, a la the way ilya kept cracking up and wrecking the ccm shoot
they get asked couple interview questions that are just softball content things like "who cooks the most?"
and IMMEDIATELY the answer is delayed by bickering
"-kay, yeah, maybe during the season you do more cooking, but let's also talk about who sets the fire alarm off more"
"oh, we want to do this? who is the one who tried to set our toaster on fire this morning, hollander? remind me of this"
"oh, you mean our THIRD toaster this year because you just shove stuff in there and see what happen-"
"you also were curious about if cookies could go in there. you know you were."
"no, i wasn't! i said don't do it!"
"no, you are rewriting history." *hand flick and look to camera* i asked if cookies could go in the toaster, and he said 'i don't know.'" *look back to shane* "you wanted to know."
"no! that is not what that means at ALL. that doesn't-"
"i asked question, you-"
"no, you're ridiculous." *look back to camera* "he cooks more, but you can also ask the fire department who sets off the alarm more. it's the same answer."
"the fire department came ONE time."
"yeah, and it's one more than i've ever had them called on me."
"yes, because your great love is the microwave and that-"
and the interviewer behind the camera just. really does not know where to jump in here because they are fully more focused on each other than actually. doing the interview.
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Nothing will ever beat that shot of Ilya heading towards the door to let Shane into his house in Boston. Like:
- Shoulders. Back. Arms. (Yeah this is the horny balloon emoji again for those who can't see.)
- Fixing the hair? Soooo casual. So nonchalant. Doesn't care at all.
- Imagine answering the door shirtless in October and that just being a casual choice you're making with no ulterior motive at all. Happened to my best good friend Ilya Rozanov
- The Rick Owens haunt the narrative
- Moles.
- Literally he is serving and for what. Shane walks in the door like "Wattup you know who built this place" and has to be redirected like a distracted dog.
- He is trying to be so cool and casual and nonchalant. He's so chill and cool and nonchalant in fact that he breaks a personal fucking record for how long it takes him to get Shane's legs around him. (42 seconds. I counted.)
- Starting to think that Shane has Doritos at the Cottage because he's being fully sublimated into it by Ilya's shoulder to waist ratio. Like it is that serious.
- He's literally prowling I do not know what else to say. Shane should feel fucking hunted the minute that door opens and all he does is go "Okay 🥰" like he never. Stood. A. Chance.
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