Anita Tapio

How I overcame self hatred

When I see pictures of myself as a kid smiling or doing whatever silly things I used to do, I can't imagine how I could ever have hated myself? My mom sent me a bunch of pics from when I was 10 and I was so cute! I think that's something a lot of people should do. Look at childhood pictures of yourself when you feel like self harming in whatever forms it may be (the words you speak to yourself matter and negative thoughts also count as self harm in my opinion). You wouldn't treat that child badly so why do you still abuse yourself? You're still that child inside even if your exterior is different. I thought the other day about how I don't really feel insecure about my physical appearance anymore. I'm good as long as I care for my face. I think it helped me - to start wearing that mask online, represent myself by my characters, words and not my physical appearance.

On the days I used to post selfies daily I kept picking apart every detail of my appearance to an OCD degree - don't wanna get into that subject right now cause it's a lot to type but I believe I have it for more reasons but the way I obsessed about it was unhealthy. I don't think anyone staring at their face too much is healthy for anyone - like instagram and tiktok first and foremost encourages. I think that's part of why plastic surgery is skyrocketing. I used to think about getting a nosejob and smooth out my jawline (which is funny because after learning a sharp jawline was the beauty standard I accepted my own). Now I just can't be fussed about it. Another thing that helped me was historical paintings and victorian photographs. I'm skinny but facially I don't think I fit the current ideal. That's another way to go about it - find an era in history that appreciates your look! It's a weird balance to upkeep I haven't entirely figured out yet. I miss posting outfit pictures. I miss not hiding myself. I don't think that's entirely healthy either to listen to my ptsd induced paranoia... then again the online discourse around gender non conforming/nb/trans people has gotten worse in recent years and I just don't want any drama... I don't know.

I might start posting fashion related photos of myself. I do enjoy it as an art form but it should be carefully deliberated and my principle is that I always want my personality and my words to be louder. Valuing yourself solely based on physical appearance leads to a rude awakening as we age and change because no one (even with the most advanced anti aging interventions) looks like a teenager/in their 20s forever (as is unfortunately the beauty ideal these days).

I do practise skin care, to preserve/delay because I'm not immune to vanity (and want to protect what I have for as long as possible by topical applications, sun protection, exercise and nutrition but no injections). Vanity has its benefits in our shallow world but your personality should beam brightest.

Find your purpose, something meaningful to you to channel your energy into that's not appearance based. I care less about how beautiful I am to others when I'm proud of the things my mind and my hands can create not just what I look like without effort on my part. For me I hope my stories will be valued by people someday. I hope the things I put out can enrich other peoples' existence. Even if I was conventionally attractive, I'd think it was sad if that was my only contribution to this world, to be something pretty to look at or be compared to/make other people insecure. I want to inspire others. I want to make a positive impact in the world, and if not in my stories then by the way I carry myself.

I love days like these. Woke up 6 in the morning, listened to a random nostalgic song from the Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland movie soundtrack that reminds me so much of 2010-2011, then at 7am I put on my corset and victorian gown (for some reason my corset decreases my anxiety like a constant hug and boosts my productivity, makes me feel like Violet Baudelaire with her ribbon) and started writing.

Usually I'm so addicted to checking all the apps (I like tumblr so far since it's text based and not as addicting at least so far when I don't follow too many people except friends). Today it's been raining the whole day (and still is). It just clears something up in me and I haven't felt the need to distract. I wrote 10 pages from scratch which was intimidating as for most of this year I've mostly gone over and edited/rewritten small sections of years old chapters. Then I took a nap (yes my corset is comfortable enough for me to sleep in even if it's not recommended), I read a little before I napped (trying to get into slow living instead of chasing instant dopamine), and now I've gone over writing physical notes into the computer, working on chapters 17 & 18 simultaneously. It's a good day and I feel productive enough to take a break to just relax enjoy the petrichor through my open windows.

Doing it anyway! (Pic from Oct 2023)