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sorry I've been mia. lol school and life have been kicking my ass, but I have more sad bsd drabbles. Here is the next chapter I plan on posting after I edit it a little more. this chapter does get into Kanako's chronic pain and her flare-ups a little more. I think I did an okay job at portraying it, but I would love feedback on it to ensure I did it right:))))
Kanako raced out of the office with no particular destination in mind. Her eyes had been too clouded with tears to see where she was going, but without trying, she ended up in the exact place she didn’t want to be.
The Catholic Yamate Church Cemetary.
She cursed her feet for bringing her to this place. To force her already aching body to endure more than she could handle. But even that thought brought her irritation from before to the forefront of her mind. This was a different kind of anger, though. It wasn’t a prickle in the back of her skull that itched whenever someone spoke. It wasn’t calmed with a few deep breaths and the tightening of her grip on her cane. This was red hot. It felt like magma that flowed down her body and melted her skin into a puddle of bubbling flesh. The words she made a promise never to let seep into her mind again surrounded her in a haze of fire and tears.
This is more than you can handle? A simple rock with a name carved on it makes you want to fall to your knees in despair? You’ve grown weak in your new life; you’ve become utterly pathetic.
The tears that blurred her vision cascaded down her face as she stared at the tombstone. Her knees wobbled and almost buckled under her until she heard a familiar voice in her ear.
You know that’s not true; you could never be weak.
She whipped her head around to look at the owner of the voice–the voice she longed to hear every morning, but saw no one, just as she expected. She knew she would never hear his voice in her ear again. His constant whispers and commentary. His confessions, his secrets, his jokes, his laugh.
All she could hear of him now was the few voicemails she had and the secret videos her brother had taken when they were younger. Without those, she feared she would soon forget what he sounded like, so she replayed them whenever she could to keep his voice in her mind, to memorize each vowel, consonant, each breath he took between sentences.
She stared at the stone in front of her. Each letter seemed to taunt her.
S. Oda
October 26, 1991 - January 10, 2014
She stood like that for what could have been hours, maybe days, before opening her eyes and heaving a deep sigh.
“I know you’re there, Osamu.”
Dazai stepped out from behind a tall tree and leaned on it, smiling to himself.
“How’d you know? I thought I was pretty sneaky,” He asked.
“You’re always there,” she tried to sound annoyed, but she couldn’t deny that it comforted her to have him there at that moment.
Dazai pushed himself off of the tree and moved next to his sister at the grave. They stood in comfortable silence, appreciating the other's presence in the somber atmosphere. In the end, it was Dazai who broke the veil of quiet between them.
“So,” he began, gauging her reaction to him speaking up, “what happened back there?”
Kanako didn’t respond immediately, still trying to wrap her mind around why she had reacted the way she had.
“I’m…not sure. I haven’t spoken about him in ages. I guess I thought I had finally moved on,” she responded without looking at her brother, keeping her gaze on her beloved’s tombstone.
“Is that why I haven’t seen you here lately?”
“I suppose so.”
Dazai waited for her to say more, but when she didn’t, he attempted to look over at her. Her face was stone cold. It was the expression of someone who was all too familiar with the pain of losing those she loved but never facing it, always leaving it to rot from within. She was tired. He could see it in her eyes, the kind of tiredness neither sleep nor coffee could fix. Nothing could; he knew that. He felt it, too.
“Kanako,” he said, in a tone much heavier than before, “burying your grief won’t make it go away.”
“Like you know anything about dealing with grief,” she scoffed. “You’re too focused on how you’re going to off yourself.”
“While that is true,” he snickered, “I do know one or two things about mourning,”
“Yeah, like what?” Animosity dripped from her lips like venom.
“That you actually have to face it. You can’t make it disappear by pretending it’s not there.”
“Then how do I make it disappear?” The sentence left her mouth faster than she could stop it. She squeezed her eyes shut, a foolish attempt to prevent more shame from rolling down her face—a painful whisper, a cry for help.
“You can’t.” Her brother's voice cut through the darkness, grounding her in reality.
“What help you are–” She finally turned to look at him, but he was gone. Any other time–any other person–she would have cursed him and planned some small act of revenge. But right then, she didn’t care. Because when she turned her head back to the stone, the name engraved on it in front of her stayed the same. He was still dead, and she was still alone. No matter how much Kanako did or didn’t grieve, nothing would change the fact that Oda Sakunosuke was dead, and he had been dead for four long years.
It took an embarrassing amount of time before she got the courage to walk away from the grave.
She didn’t really know when she left the cemetery or when she arrived home. It was as if she blacked out for an hour, and suddenly, she was at her kitchen table. She sat rigidly in her chair, scared to move and make the thumping in her legs worse. She closed her eyes and breathed slowly.
In and out.
In and out.
In and out.
Over and over again.
Kanako’s hands squeezed the handle of her cane like a lifeline, causing a cramp in her fingers, thinking maybe this pain would distract her from the other pain. Minutes passed, and the quiet tick tick tick of the clock on the wall seemed more like a second thump thump thump in her head to match the pounding of her muscles—like it was taunting her.
Even more irritation and anger bubbled up inside her.
Angry at herself for pushing her body so much.
Angry that walking had pushed her body to this limit.
Angry at her body.
Angry at her cane.
Angry at the fucking clock and it’s insistent tick tick tick.
Her frustration made her almost forget the numbing pain in her legs as she slammed her cane hard on the floor with a grunt and quickly stood up to go to her bedroom. As soon as she stood, she let out a loud cry of pain as her legs gave out, and her vision faded to nothing. Her cane fell next to her as she lay there unconscious.
— 𝜗𝜚 thank u @cosmiiwrites nd @queenofmistresses for the tags, my lovies <3 i love u both
favorite color? pink!! i love pink!! you know the colour of hello kitty’s bow? pink!! my melo? pink!! my socks rn? pink!! did i mention my favourite colour is pink?
last song? someday - from the zombies soundtrack (banger)
currently reading? i finished the hurricane wars by thea guanzon a few days ago so im using this as an excuse to tell you to read it n i loved it so much but im currently starting (only a chapter in) a feather so black by lyra selene
currently watching? i don’t think i am watching anything… i last watched the zombies movies though… (im not obsessed you are)
currently craving? NOODS ugh i could demolish some noodles rn
coffee or tea? yes.
@nebulacrumbs @blooming-crimson-flower @hellsgreatestslut @lilsleepybear1029 @ustulia tag you’re it <3
Favourite colour: Don't have one! I am, unfortunately, an enjoyer of all colours. If I had to pick, probably some shade of blue though.
Last song: Night Dancer by imase!
Currently reading: Sherlock Holmes, and also tons of fanfiction.
Currently watching: Hyouka (on pause, busy atm), Saiki K (with someone), and F1.
Currently craving: Mmm.. a nap. Maybe some coffee. And pasta.
Coffee or Tea: Both! I drink both. Do not make me pick.
Tags: @theclearblue @a-mel-tomelts @blue-thief @getosugurusbangs @himi-wiz @kityeeee @rainingstorms1220 @noname-nonartist @sunflowerswithtea @ukkikuro @bigdickcy + anyone else who wants to hop in! Feel free to do so.
Fave color: Green, I like a darker green in particular
Last song: The Well by The Crane Wives <3
Currently reading: Reading Royal Assassin by Robin Hobb which is great, and also Cinder by Marissa Meyer for my book club which is meh lol
Currently watching: uhhh I think just weekly One Piece episodes, I haven't been in much of a watching mood in the past month or two lol. Have technically started a rewatch of One Piece but haven't gotten very far at all all, and also rewatching HxH with a friend very slowly.
Currently craving: @squidsandthings posted a lot about tater tot hotdish yesterday and now I want some :(
1. named after anyone? no but my grandma chose my current name
2. last time I cried? today
3. kids? my plushies
4. sports? sleeping (n skating in winter)
5. sarcasm? hard to understand
6. first thing I notice about something? shape
7. eye color? that weird grey color that either looks green or blue to people
8. scary movies or happy endings? scary movies
9. talents? communicating with anything that has a soul
10. place of birth? c++ compiler
11. hobbies? programming, drawing, music, reserching topics no one cares about
12. pets? da dog, da hamster, soon da stickbugs
13. height? 5'5 or somwthing
14. favorite school subject? i dunno
15. dream job? something programming or osint related
tagging: @fvckinnefor @disruptxrr @ttattp @necoboberarc @poorpastel-pain + any1 who wants to do this ^__^
1. named after anyone? nope!
2. last time I cried? a few weeks ago? idk
3. kids? my plushies
4. sports? sleeping
5. sarcasm? hard to understand, I still do it tho
6. first thing I notice about something? shape
7. eye color? that weird color that either looks green or blue to people 8. scary movies or happy endings? scary movies
9. talents? the ability to fuck shit up
10. place of birth? north dekoda
11. hobbies? drawing, music, researching topics no one cares about 12. pets? da dog
13. height? 5'0 or something
14. favorite school subject? i dunno
15. dream job? something with art
@loser-otaku-girl @crittersmoment and who ever else
|⋆꙳𖤐. Named after anyone? Yes. My surname is “Qiao”, my sister and I are named after Da Qiao and Xiao Qiao who are supposedly two very beautiful sisters from 3 worlds (大乔和小乔从三国）
|⋆꙳𖤐. Last time I cried? two hours ago
|⋆꙳𖤐. Kids? …
|⋆꙳𖤐. Sports? Does ballet count?
|⋆꙳𖤐. Sarcasm? I try not to.
|⋆꙳𖤐. First thing I notice about something? Colour
|⋆꙳𖤐. Eye colour? Dark brown but it’s closer in colour to black
|⋆꙳𖤐. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings
1. named after anyone? one of my middle names is the russian version of my grandmother's name, but other than that, no.
2. last time i cried? this morning
3. kids? i sure hope not
4. sports? used to
5. sarcasm? of course not, i am the picture of sincerity
6. first thing i notice about something? texture
7. eye color? dark brown
8. scary movies or happy endings? i don't watch a lot of movies and im usually not good with horror. but i like kinda "weird" movies that are interesting and leave a lasting impression on me. those can be scary or happy or whatever.
9. talents? shit talk
10. place of birth? east coast of the united states. no i'm not going to be more specific.
11. hobbies? playing video games, reading, writing, disappointing god
12. pets? nope
13. height? 5'10
14. favorite school subject? psychology. i'm majoring in it.
15. dream job? maybe a lawyer? idk i'm still figuring it out.
sorry it took me so long i was digging my way out of hell.
1. Am I named after anyone? Yes and no. I renamed myself, and part of it came from a Lana Del Rey song. You get to figure out which one.
2. last time i cried? monday i think
3. kids? pls god no
4. sports? never in a million years
5. sarcasm? ....what do you think
6. first thing i notice about something? how it looks ig
7. eye color? greenish
8. scary movies or happy endings? scary or just fucked up or tragic enough to the point it rewires my brain chemistry and it follows me around until the day i die.
9. talents? rot
10. place of birth? 'merica baby
11. hobbies? reading, writing, disgracing my family name, fantasizing about cutting off all my friends and falling back into toxic relationships to find some sort of comfort in the familiarity of being used.
12. pets? bird
13. height? 5'2
14. favorite school subject? drawing or art history.
15. dream job? artist of some kind. in either film for phototography
thanks for tagging @altruistic-meme !! decided to go ahead and do this :3
comfort food: I sat here thinking about this for too long 😭 but I'll go with grilled cheese
comfort movie: Spirited Away! I rewatch it at least once or twice a year just because.
comfort show: Toss up between Code Geass and Scrubs for me.
fave colour and why: I used to be really into blue, but as I got older I'm kinda vibing with purple now. Specifically a royal purple! I don't even think I have much of a reason, just a change in preferences. I also used to dislike yellows and oranges but now I like them.
last piece of media you loved: ooo, I had to think about this for a while. Technically I have ongoing bsd brainrot, BUT I did see Deadpool & Wolverine and I loved that movie.
fun hobby that always makes you happy: (aside from writing and reading) I really like doing latte art! I can't draw to save my life but I can make designs in coffee and it's really relaxing to do. Sometimes I like making art in my morning coffee and even just like...making a leaf or a heart makes my morning and puts me in a good mood because I think latte art is really cool.
comfort movie: when Marnie was there I watched it in 8th grade and I swear it physically touched my heart
comfort show: bsd, this says a lot abt me and im not ashamed abt that lmao
fav color: maroon bc a fanfic gave me the idea to dye my hair that color and it turned out amazing so now my hair has been maroon or burgundy for almost 2 years
last piece of media you lived: black butler, its coexisting with my BSD obsession
fun hobby that always makes you happy: reading, any other hobby makes me frustrated but my soul can’t let it go (art and karate mostly)
Comfort movie: I'm not a very big movie person actually, but I think the closest I'd have to a comfort movie would be The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (yes, the Nick Cage and Pedro Pascal movie).
Comfort show: Yuri on Ice. It's connected to a really important event in my life. I'm entirely serious when I say that I cannot listen to the OP without crying.
Fav color: I have no idea. If I had to pick, maybe blue. Or pink. Or green. I'm very indecisive when it comes to that.
Last piece of media you loved: Red Dead Redemption 2; it's like all I've thought about for the past 3 weeks. It's such a fucking good game (I formally apologize to my followers for all the rdr2 shitposting I've been doing lately; it will continue, and it will get worse).
Fun hobby that always makes you happy: Probably playing video games and writing (I don't write as often as I should, but I think it still qualifies as a hobby)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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do you ever see a person and you are overcome with incredible fondness? and you just think "oh." but not in a romantic or sexual way you are just filled with warmth and it makes you happy, it just does. and you think "i'm so happy you exist. i'm happy you are somewhere out there in the world, doing your thing". it's love but also not entirely
like people are lovely and i feel it in my entire chest like a burning candle that smells like roses and a sunny day
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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last movie: Spy x Family Movie: Code: White (yesterday I went to the cinema and had a great time during this movie, I couldn't stop smiling)
currently reading: apart from a lot of manga series I'm up to date with (like bllk, bsd, mha, jjk etc.), I'm reading "The Cheat Sheet" by Sarah Adams (this book has been on my shelf for a year and I'm finally getting around to it)
currently watching: Kaiju No. 8; Ninja Kamui; Tadaima, Okaeri; Wind Breaker; Fruits Basket S2 (re-watching); Avatar The Last Airbender (Netflix series); The Circle S4; Love is Blind S1
craving: garlic bread
tea or coffee: I love both, but I pick coffee ☕️
tags for people i wanna know more/catch up with: honestly, I'd like to get to know each of my mutuals better :') so if anyone wants to make this tag, feel free to join! But for the rule, no pressure tagging: @witch-from-a-block-of-flats, @emmie-writes-stuff, @a-iya, @vidianlucivious, @slyfoxann544 ✌🏻
favourite colour: Blue <3 (i would be lying if i said I wasn’t a bit biased towards black and purple tho)
last song: Oops!..i did it again by Britney spears
last movie: The amazing spider man (rewatch)
and i think Mission impossible: Dead reckoning (i watched this like 6+ months ago and it took me like 5 min to remember and now I’ve come to the conclusion that I barely watch any movies)
currently reading: (not much of a book person tbh)
there’s a few manga (bsd, jjk , mha, sxf, oshi no ko) I’m currently reading)
there’s also some on hold since forever ( moriarty the patriot, csm, blue lock, tbhk)
besides that I’ve been reading the apothecary diaries LN-5 and I’ve been loving it so far
currently watching: Ouran high school host club (rewatching), The grimm variations (it’s been really interesting even though I’ve only watched like 3 eps) mha s7 (well the recap(?) eps or whatever has been coming every week) The haunting of bly manour
craving: death (jk but a cheezy pizza but do)
tea or coffee: frankly neither I don’t like either of them that much but if I had to pick one it would be tea
Favourite colour: Difficult question.. For now, I'll say green.
Last song: Death with Dignity- Sufjan Stevens
Last movie: Rewatch of JJK 0
Currently reading: Fanfic?? Also, Osamu Dazai's Entrance Exam :)
Currently watching: Good Omens
Craving: At the moment? nothing. Probably a more exciting life but I know exactly how to fix that.
Tea or coffee: I have this teeny tiny goal this month in which I will be drinking NO coffee (fucking help me..) so unfortunately, I'll have to pick tea.
favourite colour: it changes a lot but right now it's probably light blue
last song: Bite Me - ENHYPEN
last movie: Perfect Blue [rewatch]
currently reading: BSD BEAST and the OHSHC manga
currently watching: Hunter x Hunter [3rd time rewatching it this year; i think 15th overall] (currently stuck in hisoillu hell; send help)
craving: mental stability apple pie
tea or coffee: tea!!! i liked coffee when i was younger but it makes me feel sick now :(
no pressure tags!! i captured some new moots recently! @sparkling-dragon @pompompurin1028 @diary-ofamadwoman @nihilo-sensei (let me know if you would not like to be tagged) + anyone else who wants to!!! (+ obligatory tag of my arch nemesis and annoying parasite @angelicxdisaster)
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aww, thanks for the tag shine!! you're so sweet, i'm really surprised you don't have more mutuals :0
these picrews are a lot of fun! DEEP INHALE: @weedkillercentral @charismabee @sharky-the-idiot @poppythemoviehater @canadianketchup @weltato @marvelmaniac715 @whale-the-genius @rainrayne @theinkbunny @jshubofchaos @starkidobsessedgiantgremlin @goldmoth82 <333
@freakyvampirequeer @sharkfromspace @drsillyguy @finkisun @murkymaid @moderatelyluckypenny @theannoyeddragon82 @caffinatedfrogs @chara-lore @wizardofgaysex @any other mutual, if ya want to :3
@theannoyeddragon82 @moonriseblueeyes @vriska-serketboard @the-corvid-kin @nonexistent-triangle @humanteethmarksonhumanbone @toasterghostie annndd anyone else who wants to join in
this is a little human being! beware, it will bark.
@emiiily-elizabeth @thepunkmuppet @paranotnormal @paint-water-again @ollieofthebeholder @shine-reblogs @alliseaisfandom @lyfrassirrrrrrrr + anyone who sees this
tags if yall want !! @sugazmoonlight @yoinkks @topaztimes @lonelylesbian2 and anyone else who wants to join is very welcome to !!!!!! i cant think of who would like this or no lolsies
Ahh ty for tagging me! All your little guys are so cute. <3 The link didn't work for me but I found it so here's the link in case it doesn't work for anyone else!! :)
Tagging : @queerhairycowboy , @ajdrawsig , @painterlad71 , @autistic-ranpo , @idontknowthefreakingmoon , @lightningbee and anyone else who stumbles upon this and wants to ／(⁎˃ᆺ˂)＼
aw thanks for the tag! this is a rlly cute picrew :)
uuuuh @living-my-ghibli-dream @trans-lobotomy @wisteria-angel-xox and if i tagged you in the last tag game i did, consider this to be me tagging you again (i'm tired and ily)
tried to make it look like me but there’s not really any curly hair styles so it’s not super accurate :^o thank you for the tag !!
no pressure tags; @dollettecxre @rapidlydecayingcorpse @smol-stardust @gender-haver @theglowingeyeballz @oh-cd peacemaker-oh-warmonger @/any mutuals i didn’t tag + anyone else who wants to do it :)))
