#bsd fic

(character study of fem! fyolai from nikolai’s first person pov, ft hallucinating and purple prose, based off change (in the house of flies) by deftones)

FIC HERE

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Everything Is Embarrassing (2) ✦ cw. slight angst(?) ✦ wc. 740 ✦ synopsis: confusion and resentment towards Dazai (and yourself), start to swarm your head after what happened yesterday, until he finally confronts you about your feelings.

(reader is a bit pathetic since it’s very loosely based on myself and how I react to things ՞߹ - ߹՞ )

The rest of the day was weird and oddly cold despite being the beginning of spring. You told Kunikida that it was one of ‘those weeks’ for Dazai, and, of course, he was pissed. Yosano noticed how slumped you looked at your desk, a pitied look plastered on her face before she lightly knocked on the wood, causing you to wake up a bit. “Hey. What happened with Osamu? Did he say something to you?” It was more of a question for you, she didn’t really care what he did; she already had an idea anyway. A weirdly warm sensation filled your gut. “No. Not exactly,” you mumbled. “There was a girl there. I couldn’t see her face—but for some reason I just felt kind of.. weird, y’know?” If anyone were to know your secrets, it was Yosano. Whether you told her or she somehow found out herself. “I see.” She spoke, solemnly. The day finally ended and it was time to go home. You grabbed your bag and went to your apartment, slipping off your shoes at the entrance before immediately collapsing on the couch, too tired to even brush your teeth. That night you didn’t dream—or at least didn’t remember it when you woke up. The next morning felt better, at least you weren’t thinking about Dazai anymore. You told yourself you weren’t going to let it bug you—and that’s what you did. You continued work like it was just another day; going through paperwork and emails, getting Ranpo something to eat from the cafe downstairs, and taking calls from clients. The usual. Until, to your displeasure, Dazai was there, standing in the doorway. You felt ill, like you had just smelled something putrid. You tried your hardest not to stare, but it was already too late. He caught you and smiled at you with that complacent look on his face. You weakly looked away, focusing back on your work. You hoped and prayed that you would just disappear. You already felt like you were going to puke by the sheer presence of him. ‘Why couldn’t that woman have been me? Why am I even thinking like this anyway? Is he trying to make me jealous? Should I try to make him jealous?’ Your thoughts swirled with questions before they were (almost) completely silenced by Kunikida, who was already yelling at Dazai for his absence. You felt oddly comforted at the sight of him being scolded. ‘That’s what he deserves,’ you thought to yourself. You didn’t know why it pissed you off so much. Again, you were never with Dazai, neither did you ever show interest in him, right? Wrong. You were always looking at him, he knew it too, you both just never came to terms with it. You automatically knew where his apartment was despite never being over, you knew how his teeth were a bit imperfect, how his hair was always just a little too moisturized, how his cologne always smelled like the $25 ones from the department store, how he always raised his eyebrows when he was surprised by something; everything. It was almost embarrassing. You've felt this way for him for so long and now you're barely coming to terms with it. You spent the rest of the day constantly looking at him; subtly. Checking for a certain look. Shame? You really wished it was. You wanted him to feel guilty about what he did; you needed it. How could he blow off work? Possibly keep clients in need of assistance waiting? Do it all for someone who wasn't you? Unfortunately, he never showed the slightest bit of guilt or any displeasure for that matter. You hated this feeling. You hated him, and that woman, and most of all yourself for being this way. It was literal torture, and he probably knew about it; the way it hurt you. The way you so desperately needed and craved him, even though you never expressed it. He was probably thinking of how good he had you. As if time wasn't already long enough, nightfall had taken place and it was time for the office to close. You practically bolted towards the door, in hopes no one would question or talk to you. To your disgrace, you didn't make it out in time before Dazai spotted you and called you over. “Hey!” he called out, that terrible look of content smoothed out permanently across his face.