Zen Curious

This relief requires a surrender

There is no force powerful enough

No cajoling convincing enough

No negotiations with worthwhile terms generous enough to appease this agony

Just let it go

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the stiffness in my aching body,

the emptiness in my soul,

the struggle with my work;

all speak of a heavy sense of weariness

The anger isn’t clean;

tainted by guilt, tampered by shame,

tired and troubled

These matters of the heart I’m either stunted or jaded

Behaviors sociology has long ago explained yet I remain bound.

Lie to me only once, the whole foundation crumbles

maybe if I get more sleep tonight

maybe if I feel more ease tonight

maybe if …

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Sourdough bread with baked-in blueberries

that seems to pacify my jagged stresses

Smile a fake smile, distorting my emotions;

a short-circuit to bypass a harsh reality’s mirrors.

I rearrange my reflection to soothe a complex sensation,

I collapse the meaning of words into a kaleidoscope of fluid vowels

I changes the lens of perception as easily as I speak a denial.

This barrier between myself and my soul

A distorted filter I purposely engage

I am not a coward, I preach to my wounds

I just… I just…

Sometimes pretending is what I know how to do best

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A kitten taking a nap on my lap

A tiny sweetness to take away the bitterness

All play, and mischief, and food…

Another duty not even a burden

A surrender to innocence

A surrender to pure joy

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The day was too long

and the sour anger flowed much too freely

The insults have progressed from unkind to viciously cruel

I’m mostly broken

My tired soul yearns for a soft bed tonight

But there is no comfort,

there is no relief;

Only the silence of aloneness

and the rotten rewards of this stalemate harvest

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The strong warm body pressing against my back

I am cherished, well-loved, protected

Understanding tangibly: I am held safe.

It’s the strength I breathe, it’s the power I receive

This fills me

The foundation and the angel wings complement my crown

I am continually replenished

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I am…

restless,

uneasy,

a malaise grips my throat, I cannot speak.

I don’t know if I’m falling or sliding

I am certainly not flying.

An emotion cramps my heart, stiffens my shoulders

What shall I call this creeping nuisance?

A name is an invitation to stay

and there’s always space in my mind’s attic for one more unnecessary trinket to hoard

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People don’t always want to hear the truth,

Yet they condition you to lie by punishing honesty.

You try to contort your tongue

but your words come out slurred,

A lie by omission is still a lie though

And so,

You simply disengage, believing in neither their truth nor their lie

They label you that which they are

You move beyond their stories,

You choose to be free instead

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Out of sight, memories of you fade faster

If I never see you, you will be completely erased.

Change the tone of my internal tyrant’s voice and I am deflated

No one else hears my torment and maybe that makes a difference.

I live for the silence of this midnight hour,

It has been loud so long, I relish the temporary bittersweet relief

too fleeting are those moments of blissful serenity.

I unwind slowly, torturously

The soft hum of the blower fan

whispers soothing encouragements to be at ease, to feel appeased

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I burned the carrots again tonight

this happens when I am sleep deprived.

I unsubscribed from the programs also tonight

A casual breakdown that looks meek and compliant.

I close my eyes

Yearning for the lumpiness of your uncomfortable pillow

You say I’ve never look more honest as I do when undone, as I do this moment

I blink too slowly

I pause too dully

You may be right,

A small shiver races down my right shoulder

I reach for your containment

and you bring me more words.

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Push everything aside today,

all day, all night

and drown myself in this virtuous sedative.

While the world praises my dedication

I forget my rules, I forget my roles

If only during these blissful hours

Be only me,

be all of me unencumbered by the suits I dutifully wear and perform.

Breathe in this cleansing emptiness and be fully honest with myself by myself

Goosebumps on my soul,

Quick shiver as serenity settles in my bones

This is what home feels like

A focused silence, a complete forgetting

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The sound of my voice,

the perpetual supplicant begging for life to:

choose me, choose me, breathe through me.

Truth is not always powerful and

Power is mostly subjective

Feelings are the most powerful,

yet even they are easily suppressed.

Life is a very practical matter

foolish of us to idealize or evangelize its rules.

Upon this death of virtues claiming my desiccated soul, who am I to interfere?

Pray to saviors either absent or silent

Looking for coherence in the random patterns I perceive

I am on my knees,

I am supine,

I open my heart to a void shunning my devotion

I petition, I beseech, I crawl

Looking for an idol to whom I can offer my devotion

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In the aftermath of the gaslighting and the scapegoating

there is little comfort in sitting alone with truth and pain

Isolated, unsupported.

When the trigger dies, the void fills with uncertainty, doubts

Lost becoming a loyal companion.

Living with drama not of my creating

Winning at games I did not invent

Using borrowed tools to craft this temporary shelter

A moment becoming a month becoming a decade

A soul becoming a solitary soldier,

settled in the peace of this solitude,

settled in the quiet of this tranquil mind

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Inhale deeply

Fill myself with more space, I am full of Grace.

Time and depth have dimensions, force and vitality

I embody them poorly.

Being in the world

but hiding in plain sight,

cowering from the light of the sun.

Three days

to make or lose a miracle

to gain a new perspective and birth a life

or drown in the beautiful black of chaos, the dark of my feminine.

Bravery came, left my grounds freshly tilled and fertile

My future remains untested, potential in perpetual waiting.

The many roles shape me,

I don’t exert my will

and so it isn’t so.

When people pity you,

they watch you walk into an abyss then cry with you from their safe and steady perch,

their salty tears only sting your wounds.

How do they help me when they call my name?

Inhale deeply, fill myself with space

the calm, the quiet,

grind all the parts into dust, smoke, gray

everything fades

release a good long, slow exhale

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