it was hot, windows open, countryside quiet in that slow way where everything feels stretched out. i was just scrolling on my phone without really thinking much, and then i saw a post on the internet.

it said:

“is it better to speak or to die?

speaking is dying, but is it better speaking and dying, than dying without having spoken?

is it better to speak and to risk everything, or stay silent and disappear? if speaking feels like dying, is it still better than dying without ever having spoken?”

and i just… stopped.

after that, i wrote it down in my journal. i kept thinking about it. over and over. like it stayed somewhere in the back of my mind the whole time without ever really leaving.

it took me a year to figure out what the real answer was.

that whole summer stayed with me like that warm nights, open windows, countryside air, and that sentence just sitting there in my head in the background of everything.

and i didn’t really understand what it meant for me back then. not fully.

but this summer feels different.

because this year, i chose to speak.

i finally chose to express myself, to stop holding everything in, to let the real me actually be seen instead of hidden behind all the versions i built for other people.

i was hesitating for so long. going back and forth in my head, thinking maybe it’s safer to stay quiet, maybe it’s easier to just disappear a little and not risk anything.

but eventually i understood what i actually wanted.

and it was speaking.

not everything is suddenly perfect or clear now. but something inside me feels lighter. like i’m not stuck in the same loop anymore.

and maybe that’s what changed this summer.

just me finally choosing to speak.

and now i have the answer.

June 2026

I have to talk about this film—precisely because it is available only in Germany.

The film is called Sommersturm (Summer Storm), and it deals extensively with personal growth, self-discovery, and internalized homophobia. At its core, it is about the friendship between Achim and Tobi. Both are looking forward to the rowing competition at summer camp.

The thing is, Tobi is in love with Achim, whereas Achim isn't actually into men—he’s in love with Sandra.

Then there is the relationship between Anke and Tobi. Naturally, she is in love with him, but that, too, is one-sided. They meet a rowing group made up entirely of gay men (yes, the plot isn't exactly original, but I still liked it).

In any case, through this, Tobi meets Leo. At some point, there is a turning point where Tobi makes a move on his best friend. Naturally, his friend rejects the advance and distances himself. Their friendship suffers as a result, and Tobi goes through a crisis of self-discovery.

Tobi is so desperate that he finally opens up to the other rowing group. Through Leo, he not only learns to be more true to himself but also has his first sexual experiences with another man.

I consider them a couple, even though that isn't entirely certain by the end. In any case, Anke eventually finds out that he had been interested in his best friend all along.

The film ends with Tobi not only embracing his true self but also restoring his friendship with Achim.

It’s really nice—after films like Brokeback Mountain and other gay-themed movies—to have a film with a happy ending. That movie really made an impression on me back then, especially since there was never much media representation of this kind anyway.

I’ve even started writing a fanfiction based on the film. No idea if I’ll ever finish it.

One of my favorite quotes is from Leo, when they are sitting in bed together:

"But if you spend your whole life hiding, eventually you won't be able to find yourself at all."

It’s always a shame when films like that don’t have an English translation. There’s another film, Freier Fall, which, as far as I know, also only has a German version.

Oh well, now you know the plot. :)