My poor Himbo just got summoned to hell
Last session last week, we nearly had a TPK. I was so far in the negative, I was one short of meeting my con. One player was obliterated by 40 points PAST con. Two others went down, one dead, one unconscious. And the last remaining member was about to turn tail and run for help and got slammed with dragon fire of a dragon we befriended.
We joined today to figure out what's going to happen, and our characters wake up sitting in a pub, sitting around a table, and the character that got slaughtered joins the table last looking like uncanny valley version of himself. And the character that got murked with friendly dragon fire last second looks over and the ghosts that are haunting her are sitting at another table glaring us down.
"Are we about to have a dead person slap fight?" "No I'm straight up ripping it off." "You gotta make that grapple first." "At this point I'm used to the smell."
Meanwhile my character, the only himbo of the group, realizing that he doesn't have a gaping wound in his chest and they are surrounded by extraplanar creatures (thinking to self): Have... have I been dragged to hell with these war criminals...?
😂😂😂😂 One of our former players that isn't in this session but lives at the house we're playing in just poked her head around the corner in this evil "Ya wanna buy a sun dial?" voice and goes
"Do you WANT to go to hell?"
Cue the entire fucking table busting out laughing
No fucking idea how, but without any answers despite praying, asking, threatening, and searching, our party was brought back to life next to the pathfinder equivalent of a fucking Grim Reaper, that disappeared the second we were aware of it. My character is having an existential crisis, everyone else is just confused, and we all get back to the pathfinder lodge only to find out we've been dead for 3 years.
To which my character realizes 1. He hasn't written to his family (mom, dad, and 2 sisters) in three years. 2. His family thinks he's dead. 3. His sister is the embodiment of Olivier Armstrong from Full Metal Alchemist and now he has to explain that yes he is alive, no he doesn't know how or what happened, and since this is like the 3rd time he's cheated death or been brought back to life since he's left home, he really wants to ask a lot of questions on why isn't able to stay dead (not that he wants to) but he's also fucking terrified that his sister is going to test the theory that he can't die by trying to kill him for making her have emotions and worry for him.
So naturally, he decided to get drunk and face his fears later, you know, like a man. And the oracle in our group (who's player once played a rat kin witch who was the pathfinder version of baba yaga, except her name was Briz and she created an unholy concoction nicknamed "Briz Juice" that has been a running joke in every campaign since then) gave my character a vial of Briz Juice and said "Roll a constitution saving throw to see if you survive."
>Rolled a nat 1
>My character, who has a crush on another male character in the party but literally refuses to admit it to even himself (partially because he's still in the closet to everyone but his older sister, partially because my character is part divine extraplanar being and his crush is part... welll... demonic extraplanar being and they bicker constantly) THEN HE LOOKS at his crush and goes "Did it hurt? When you fell out of someone's buthole and into the toilet water you piece of shit?"
>The running joke is that demons smell like brimstone (farts) to angelic-kin and angels smell like patchouli or potpourri to demon-kin so we call each other fart blossom and patchouli respectively and now, due to my character being drunk off his ASS on mystery juice and failing miserably to flirt by incorporating the joke of their nicknames in with the pick up line, has now pissed his crush off.
>DM asks "What do you want to do now?"
>The half-elf who accidentally poisoned her entire family by serving the wrong mushroom in her stew before joining the crew mentions she doesn't know because she doesn't have a family to go back to, so my character says "My mother would adopt you in an instant if she met you." Because his mother is a highly skilled healer and his dad is a high ranking general (they met on the battle field and fell in love) and the half elf goes "I don't think anyone would want to adopt someone who accidentally killed her entire family with poisoned mushrooms." To which my character replied "She's a healer. She'd want to adopt you even more to study what you made and make an anecdote to save people in the future."
>My character's crush goes "Aw patchouli bringing a girl home to meet your parents?"
>Me and my character who both know that neither the player who said that nor his character know that my character is very much gay and crushing on the one person he doesn't want to crush on which is who, in fact, said that:
"No... I'm bringing a bunch of war criminals to meet a high ranking general and telling my sister it's your fault I died... again."
