I was gonna put this on ao3 but itâs kind of short (by my standards) so enjoy my Scott introspection.
(also I was gonna call it âThe Quiet Die Youngâ so if you havenât listened to Painkiller by rainbow kittens surprise and thought of Scott McCall, whatâre you doing?)
Sometimes Scott wondered where the human in him ended and the werewolf started. It was a thought that had haunted him since his first full moon. He knew he wasnât a monster, just a werewolf that had been drilled into his head over the years. But he wasnât human. He hadnât been for a long time but sometimes he had trouble concluding when that human part of him really died. When there was no going back, no way around it, no denying it.
When he was first bitten, every new experience felt like he was finally losing his humanity. He was seeing things he shouldnât be able to see, hearing things he shouldnât be able to hear and it was all insane. He didnât need his inhaler. He had done a fucking flip over another player! Scott McCall, human Scott McCall, could not do these things. It felt like his humanity was slipping from him with every action he took. Every full moon, every rage related transformation, every fight or random sleep walk to the wood felt like he was losing a part of himself.
The first time he felt more werewolf than human was when Peter controlled him in the school. He was trying to protect his friends, to save himself. To show that he was just like them, a scared human teenager. But he was the only one that could fight the alpha. But as peter took control of him, the feeling was like nothing he had ever felt before. It felt like a drug, like every part of his body had a brain of itâs own. Like his own brain wasnât his own. The panic he felt was washed away by the feeling of wanting to do what the voice in his was telling him to do: to go kill his friends. The rage was there, the strength was there. He could imagine, or maybe it was the alpha imagining he couldnt tell, their terrified faces as his claws tore them apart. In the back of his mind he felt disgusted. He could hear a constant stream of consciousness petrified by how wrong this was, how this wasnât him and he didnât want to. He didnât want to be the monster controlling him, he wanted to be normal again, he wanted to be normal so bad. This isnât human, this isnât normal. Thankfully the voice was loud enough to get him to lock the door instead of opening it.
When his mom found out he wasnât human and avoided him for weeks, that was like a slap in the face. A glaring reminder that he wasnât human. That the woman who birthed him didnât see him as a human. Because he wasnât the kid she had given birth to anymore, he was altered. A different species than he had been, an other. He wasnât her little boy, he was a werewolf.
With this whole ânot humanâ thing, Scotts favorite part was being able to take peoples pain. Probably the strangest part of being a werwolf but it also made Scott feel human. Helping someone in anyway you can is the most human thing you can do. So when Void took that pain from him, the pain he had taken from others, Scott had felt so human that it didnât actually feel human. The pain leaving his body left some kind of relief, some kind of emptiness. It felt kind ofâŚgood, that was the most surprising part. It took everything from Scotts body that he was using to be human.
When he bit Liam it was the most unhuman he had felt in months. He couldnât be human if he could make someone not human. If he could ruin someones life like this. He never wanted to do it, never wanted to subject someone to the life he had been living since. And God Liam was just a freshmen younger than Scott had been, the kid was only 14, maybe 15, Scott didnât even know. Fuck he didnât even know this kid and he had just ruined his life. He had told Liam that he wasnât a monster, that he was werewolf. But some part of Scott wished he could say that things would stay the same, that Liam would still be the same human he was. But he knew that wasnât true.
Then he argued with Stiles, that depressing rainy night where he just wanted to know one thing: Did Stiles kill Donovan in cold blood? Was Theo right? Was Stiles keeping a murder from him? The confrontation hadnât gone anything like he wanted it to. Stiles yelled, Scott yelled and Stiles didnât say he didnt do. Instead he basically said that he did it because he was only human. Was Scott not human anymore? Did Stiles not see him as a human? As someone, no something, that could make mistakes? Scott wished his enemies would just die all the time but he couldnât kill them. He had the ability to kill them. Did that make him not human; that he could kill people so easily? He thought not wanting to kill was the most human thing about him but did Stiles just feel like he was less human or no, more than human because he refused to kill?
But really, in his head it was 30 minutes after his mom had revived him in the school library.
This is 900 words so applause if you read the whole thing. If you like the concept please steal it and write a fic cause this is closest Iâm gonna get. But yessss Scott is so complicated and Iâm complicated about him
