just a box of rain

but I did fix it! and then I called my mom and had her talk me off the ledge of ripping out my entire apartment and bleaching all the floors six times. which I still would prefer to do. and I am still going to sanitize the shit out of this place (literally) and go way overboard with it. especially the bathroom. but I am going to do it in a way that makes sense and not in panic mode.

I'm really fucking glad my mom has been through therapy though. there was a point where she would not have been able to validate what I was feeling, but that did not happen. she validated me *and* gave me advice even on the parts that she probably thought were overkill. essentially talked me right off the ledge and into I Can Be Normal About This territory.

I did call her on the verge of tears and say "I need my mom right now" and did make her think briefly that everyone at my company had died (that's where her mind went, idk man) but in my defense this is my literal nightmare. one of my worst fears about being alone in a home.

anyway, if you ever run into this I will save you the panic google: if your toilet has overflowed or backed up and will not plunge. the first step is dish soap. dump a bunch of dish soap in there and wait, then try to plunge again. they also said hot water so I had that ready to go as well.

your next steps are a snake or calling a plumber but I didn't have to resort to any of that, thank fuck.

also start cleaning the floor. right away. get the water off and start bleaching. black water on the floor is very bad and containing the mess is just as important as fixing the issue. a plumber website said that and I would like to find whoever wrote that and kiss them on the mouth because I needed that advice while triaging.

I cannot in good faith advise bleaching your feet before you leave the bathroom but to be completely fair to me I would rather kill a layer of skin than track black water all over my house and because I did that I will only wash the floor two times instead of ten. so. take that for what you will.

but for my mom's family it was. true. we encountered some nonsense with her siblings when we lost my dad. his siblings aren't any more well-adjusted but they behave in public. they never did anything like fight over their parent's stuff when their parents died, and they didn't get weird and invasive in my mom's house when their brother (my dad) died. and my cousins on that side are mostly normal and even the wackier ones were really really kind to me.

my mom's siblings do NOT know how to act. everything is about them at all times. they did get weird and invasive, they did say insensitive shit to me. some of my cousins were just as bad.

so you can imagine how the death of my grandmother is going. it's messy as fuck. there are individuals who have the emotional maturity to deal with it like reasonable people but even they have done some childish shit. and this is something that happens, you get in fights about trivial garbage because there's nothing you can do about the real problem. trust and believe that I know that.

^^ is something I thought on the subway while going through my music on the train but this is also absolutely not a joke, I've helped with 2 funerals now where we had to guess what song the person would like to have played, and it was a rough decision. make a death plan and include what song would make people cry at your funeral, please.

I AM NOT MAD at any individual about this so please please don't start yelling at my family to me but I did have to have a conversation of "I am only going to put real photos in the folder & album I'm saving for the funeral, I am not going to put anything fake." this was partially based on a misunderstanding (someone sent me a video that was not intended to be saved for this purpose) but as a result I did need to get out ahead of it and tell people, you need to tell me if you send me AI, so I don't include it. and like I said: I am. not. angry. about this. but it did make me feel very tired and sad that I even had to clarify that at all.

asking AI about my grandmother's health prognosis and then sending it to the family? ... that person is doing a lot of good work and means well and is putting in the time and effort and not relying on stuff like this to make decisions. however. for that one. I am working very hard not to get angry about it. ... still no one talk shit about this person to me. only I get to talk shit about this situation. but oh my god what the fuck.

switching from personal to work: even the people developing AI tools don't want to be developing AI tools. spoke to someone who is like "I used to make things people wanted, now I'm being asked by upper management who is only interested in saving money, to make something that literally no one who is going to use it wants, and I don't even know if it will work, or actually save money." and I'm just. holy shit. no one wants this!