apparently I'm in a journaling kind of mood these days
I'm at the point where I really can't tolerate "just be," "whatever you were able to give today is enough, you're doing great," "slow down and be gentle with yourself" messaging anymore. I fully understand how important it is for so many people and I'm not trying to do one of those "can we stop [my personal pet peeve], please? here are paragraphs about why this is a SOCIAL ILL" posts. I get it. please carry on if you need it.
but I have been forced to "just be" against my will for an extended period, and I am having trouble getting out of that mode, and the life I am currently living is not good enough for me. I don't accept it. I feel the inactivity sink into my body and make me worse. I feel the relative intellectual void within me that is not being obsessed with anything, not orienting my life around a question I'm chewing on. I am getting less out of my daily experiences because my inner life is so muffled. these days I have so little to talk about other than my own fucking self or just reacting to things as they come along and it's like I've been lobotomized. I am Rilke Torso of Apollo you must change your life pilled and "hey please take care of yourself" is like nails on a chalkboard to me, because I am forced, every day, to pour so much time and energy and thought into taking care of myself and it is killing the self I'm caring for. while it's not actually true, it feels like I have done nothing else at all but slow down and take care of myself for coming up on four years. this kind of physically solipsistic, forced-orthorexia* existence is not. good. enough. without the life of the mind it is all supposed to support. and the only way out, as far as I can tell after years of working on it - with great success! I now have a body that can do most things! - is to ask more of myself, to try harder, to say bitch get up every single day. miss me with the "you're enough as you are" shit. not for me I'm not.
*I am not actually orthorexic, I am just in a situation where if I don't stick to the routines and do all the things and avoid the foods and do the exercise terrible things will actually, literally happen to me. I don't have a mental illness about it, I have a physical illness that makes me act like someone who does.












