Weiner City

woke up this morning, rolled over, and very confidently tried to blow out my alarm clock like a candle. absolutely no precedent for that.

Ebeneezer in 1742 wakes with a start as for some reason he has put out his guttering candle by slapping atop it ith the palm of his hand. His hand is burned and his nightgown and cap are spattered with hot wax.

i meant to empty my contact lens case of cleaner and instead launched my allergy pills down the drain. wasn't even holding the lens case

once confidently pointed my car keys at the door out of my house and pressed the unlock button

you should've seen your face when you were absorbing and processing perspective-altering information 😂😂

i'm full of love but i also have the hater's curse and once a day i gotta say some bitchy shit or i'll explode

As a horror guy I vehemently do not support hatred towards romance girlies. Sister genres in my opinion. We both enjoy familiar tropes. We both enjoy interesting relationship dynamics explored between two or more people. We both enjoy werewolves.

this passes the bechdel test

i was gonna say “but they don’t have names!” but they do. the blonde’s name is dumb thotticus and the brunette’s name is m-seq

strong contender for post of the decade

can you imagine chuckling at none pizza with left beef and then living through the death of humanity and resurrecting a chunk of it and becoming a god figure to the new society you create and then 10,000 years later referencing it in conversation to a horribly traumatized teenager who has no possible frame of reference for this ancient meme that no one else alive has ever heard of

i assume this is a reference to something but choose to believe it is simply a creative exercise that tumblr user spleen9000 is inviting me to participate in. like yes. yes im imagining it

if you read books titled "A Blank of Blank and Blank" i dont want to hear your opinion ‼️

please be patient with me im from the 1900s

dude your brave and loyal knight fucking bit me

I think its territorial because the entire tiktok page is just that cat defending the neighborhood and chasing but never catching the other cats

Die temu ad die

Hmm. Accidentally looks like latin.

Is that porn

No it’s when someone plays a song for you that you’ve never heard before

I truly hate the word "unalive." There are so many other euphemisms that fictional Italian mobsters worked so hard to provide you with and you just ignore them.

"Joined the great majority" is a good one that I practically never hear.

"Approaching room temperature" is a personal favorite from the medical field.

"in witness protection"