Jenny, I need them.

Not enough people talking about how well broccoli holds a sauce

Hetero Jessica and the wife who filled the house with chintz should fujo our together over espresso martinis

I am a huge fan of retiring to my quarters

In this economy you'll be lucky to retire to your nickels

i’ll be real, kitten, daddy needs multiple wealthy and powerful folks to die in a painful, drawn-out, and generationally humiliating manner

I once sent a woman a text message so interesting that she took three whole days to read it

the best death note joke format will forever be L asking light a simple question in which logical answer A might increase the likelihood of light being kira and logical answer B similarly might increase the likelihood of light being kira and after a short internal struggle light comes up with answer Y, which no human being has ever thought of as being a normal response in all of living history

the "what are your pronouns" comic is my fave example.

(with the intention of ordering grapes from the lemonade stand) hey

explained to an 8 year old that once a fruit is ripe you only have so much time until it rots so you have to eat it soon and she said so i'll never be able to keep it perfect like this forever? no and there are about a million pieces of art for you unrelatedly

getting kicked off love island for just swimming in the pool and not talking to anyone