Where Do We Go Now?

How many lies have you told recently, if you have depression or you struggle with an eating disorder or self harm its probably a decent amount. How many times have you typed I’m good when you’ve been considering taking your own life? I’ve been there, I know your pain, I also know it goes away. I’m not asking for a miracle , I’m asking that you give yourself a chance to meet the people who love you halfway to whats best. 

Labels can not possibly define a human being. A label is something you place on a food product to tell you when its expired. A label is something that you use to put a price on a worthless object. A label is something you use to tell you what notebook is for what class. All labels do is tell you what something is and how much it cost and I can answer both those questions for you now. You are you, whoever that is you have to find out ,and you are priceless. 

Are you alone? Is there anyone near you? Is it past midnight and you have no idea what to do? You can’t sleep but you aren’t awake, you’re stuck in this coma like state. And you wish they’d pull the plug, but the issue is your not attached to one, you are not dead but you don’t feel alive. Stuck in between, at least you’re not alone in these cries. 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to prom, I’m not saying its wrong, I’m just saying that for me it doesn’t feel right. 

You’re not just a teenager, you are a teenager, there is no just about it. You want to make a difference, you do it. It doesn’t have to be a big difference. You can sit with the girl at lunch that is always alone. You can try talking to someone who looks upset. You can tell a random girl you pass in the hallway that you like her hair. You can make a difference in one persons live and create a domino effect. You can make a difference. 

I’m not sure how many people out there have dealt with this. I might be the only one. Honestly at this point everything on this blog has been to myself. No one has read a word I’ve said in a week . But I’ll keep writing in the hopes that someone who needs it will find the words I’ve said. Recently I’ve been dealing with the struggle of wanting to lose weight but realizing no one trusts me. I battled anorexia for two years. I wore a size ten in child's at 15 years old because even the smallest juniors clothes were to big. My metabolism was shot and the medication they put me on gave me hypothyroidism, which is where your thyroid doesn’t function properly and everything you eat causes you to gain weight basically. Because of this after being as tiny as a living person could be, I managed to become 100 pounds overweight. I know its horrible, there’s a reason I don’t post pictures of myself. In short, my self confidence is shot and its been really hard for me not to fall back into my old habits of starving and purging, which I know aren’t good for me. So in turn I’m trying to become healthier. Eat more natural foods and less sugars, cut down on a few 100 calories a day and work out at least an hour daily. Here’s the issue. Every time I tell someone I want to lose weight they get this panicked look in their eyes and they tell me I’m beautiful. It’s time for people out there to realize that just because you battled an eating disorder, doesn’t mean every diet you try is an eating disorder diet. I want to lose weight, and I want to do it right this time.  

Do you feel lost without your music, your podcast, your youtubers, your audio books. Do you feel lost without something distracting you from being found? Do you freak out when you realize you forgot your headphones in your Mom’s car? I’m not a doctor , but than you might have Phronemophobia, or the fear of thinking. Sounds are not used to create meaning they are used to stop the fear that in the silence we will discover things we do not want to know. When we are alone we feel our minds with music and our eyes with tweets and our heads with words so that maybe we won’t have time to think. 

I have a step sister, a half sister, and a half brother. Ages 16, 11, and 1. They mean the world to me and even though they are far away we are never far apart. 

 A soul as old as time. / A mind as ripe as fermented wine. / A life as young as a newborn. / A heart as broken as a seabound Dad./ A cry as loud as the roaring of a tiger. / A wish upon a star up in the galaxy. / While the star is to far away to see, maybe it will only take a few light years for its response to get to me. 

I mentioned in my introduction of myself that I had recently lost a close friend. Here’s a little about her; she was 14, really outgoing, she loved people, she played ukelele, she loved to make silly faces, she was always very happy, she was prettier than any girl i’ve ever met, she loved adventures, she loved going to church, she loved to sing. I don’t say these things because she’s dead , no one disliked her unless they were jealous of her perfection. Me and her sang together but at some point she took my spot because she was a thousand times better. I’ll admit , I was mad, I said things I regret saying. I said I wanted her to die but she never knew. We went to camp and she was as sweet as she can be and when they told the Seniors to pick a freshman to mentor I knew what I needed to do. I was planning on talking to her as soon as we got home and settled down. I got her number on the 10 hour van ride home; however not two days later she was dead. She had got tonsillitis the day before and than was admitted into the hospital with sepsis. The doctors told her she’d be in the hospital for a few weeks but than she’d be okay, a few hours later she was gone. The hardest thing I ever had to do was sing at her memorial, take her place, and the guilt has hit me hard. I used to say I didn’t want to live, I didn’t want to get to know people, I wanted to make a difference but without sharing what I’d gone through. I can’t say that anymore. This blog, every word I write, every person I try to help, is all because of her. She was my mentor all along. 

I don’t mean to bring upon tough love. But this is something I know from experience. Unless you want to get better you aren’t going to get better. How many of you have that one friend that you tell not to do something time and time again but no matter how much you keep saying it they keep doing that thing? Maybe it is nothing serious. Maybe they keep going back to this guy or this girl that doesn’t treat them right. Or maybe they keep yelling at their parents when they never win the fight. Or maybe it is something serious. Maybe they keep losing to much weight on their annual diet. Or maybe they keep cutting or burning themselves even when you tell them you love them. Or maybe they do drugs and always end up making bad descions. But remember, you’re in the same position. I would assume if you’re reading this you have something you need to change; whether you need to be happier, or you need to feel worth living, or you need to stop hurting yourself or hurting others or you need to stop eating to much sugar. I don’t know what it is you need to change, but there’s always something in everyones life we need to change, but that brings me back to my question, do you care enough to change, because if you don’t nothing will change you. 

No mental health disorder has a cure. We’ll be realistic here. You can’t just pop a pill or get a surgery and be free from it. These things will effect you for the rest of you’re life. I know its a struggle to keep fighting, but every day you don’t give in the fight becomes less daunting. 

Is there something wrong with me ? Please, look me in the eyes and tell me you still love me. Is there something wrong with me? I gave you everything, I loved you more than anyone else. I filled the shoes no one else could, yet you had to go. Why did you leave, without a single word? Why didn't you tell me how to move on? Is closure only a formality in your world ? Your narcisstic universe ? Is there something wrong with me, That you had to leave everything behind, You were so eager to go?

Here's the problem being nice in such a cruel world. You are constantly bombarded with reasons you don't belong. You become closed off and isolated and people think you're a bitch. The problem with being nice in a cruel world, Is people take advantage of you time and time again. You see the best in everyone and they always let you down. The problem with being nice in a cruel world is that no one cares about you, No one thinks you could have any problems because you see the world in a positive light. The problem with being nice in a cruel world such as this, Is that no one ever seems to think you're genuine. People call you a fake and a hypocrite, Or they think you're a door mat and stomp on your face. The problem with being nice in a cruel world, Is that you constantly have reasons to leave.

It's hard to admit. That you think no one cares. When you've given it your all. And they've applauded you time and time again. It's hard to admit. You're a charity case. When in your eyes everyone around you, Is a king or princess. It's hard to admit. That you are all alone. When you are constantly surrounded by people, But you have no place to call home.