#notalone

(TW: Abuse)

I asked the internet

if it was normal

for a man to slam you

into drywall

for keeping your phone.

They said:

Did you provoke him?

Was he just angry?

Are you sure you’re not overreacting?

I asked if a threat

still counts

when he doesn’t follow through.

I asked

if packing a bag “just in case”

was dramatic,

if fear without bruises

was still fear.

I asked questions

like I was shopping

for permission

to feel unsafe.

I asked strangers

because I couldn’t ask myself.

Because the voice in my head

had already been replaced

with his.

Because no one taught me

that abuse sometimes wears

a wedding ring,

or that survival often begins

in Google search bars

at 2 a.m.

And no one ever said

that by the time you’re asking,

you already know.

That the question

isn’t really a question—

it’s a grief song,

it’s a whisper:

please tell me I can leave.

please tell me I’m not crazy.

please tell me it counts.

please tell me I still count.

I scrolled,

hands shaking,

screen lit like a confession booth.

And somewhere,

between “he doesn’t mean it”

and

“this isn’t who he really is,”

I realized:

The search bar

knew before I did.

If you find yourself here—

reading between the lines

of a silent scream—

know this:

You are not alone.

Your fear is real.

Your courage is already in motion.

And even when the night feels endless,

Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. 

Matthew 7:15-16

"Yes, my brothers, a Christian with a false piety, with a merely outward and artificial virtue, will—no matter how hard he tries to disguise himself—sooner or later reveal the true movements of his heart, whether in his words or in his deeds. No, my brothers, nothing is more widespread than these ‘apparent’ virtues, this hypocrisy. [...] At the Last Judgment, we will see that the majority of Christians had only a religion of convenience, that is, a religion of personal preference, and that very few, in what they did, truly sought God alone.

I say that an action must fulfill three conditions in order to be pleasing to God: first, it must be interior and complete; second, it must be humble and not self-serving; third, it must be persevering and enduring. If in all you do, you find these three conditions, then you may be certain: you are working for Heaven."

Ghost's newest song really struck a chord with me. The lyrics reminded me of the lovers of Pompeii. The last eight years has felt like looking death in the face, feeling it roll down the mountain, knowing any minute it'll take us. But I haven't had to face it alone, thank the stars.

Bingo: Steve Rogers Bingo Round 3, StuckyBingo Round five Card: Rufferto and number SB3017, StuckyBingo Rufferto 5002 Pairing: Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes Square Filled: D1 for Steve Rogers Bingo, B1 for Stucky Bingo Title : Steve is trying his best. Prompt: "Long Distance Relationship", "Long distance for Stucky Bingo Warnings: No archive warnings apply. Rating: Teen Tags: Steve shirtless, Facetiming, awkward poses, blushing, Notalone Summary: Bucky had to go to California for six months and Steve is stuck in New York. They make time to talk as much as possible but it's hard. Steve just wants to prove to Bucky that he's capable of being sexy on the phone just like any other boyfriend. Tony might have dared him. Bucky appreciates it, Steve just needs to learn to pick his timing better.

Thank you to all those who took the time to join our Annual Meeting and thanks to all the members who voted.

I’ve been reading a lot of zen literature lately after having a complete identity crisis and mental breakdown that got so bad, the dissociation and OCD was so intense. I’ve been trying to let my thoughts pass by, but I just want to cry.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything. 

I’m always so confused, I read the news, I see the world pass me by, I watch trailers drive past me on the highway and all I can see is how heavy it must be on our earth. I see flowers being cut down by lawn mowers and I mourn them, and I didn’t even get to draw them and now they’re gone. And I keep wasting my life away. I never take in anything enough before it’s gone. Life is constantly changing and so am I. 

I can’t do anything, I don’t want to do anything, but I want to do everything at once. 

I feel so heavy and yet so empty inside. So alive, yet so dead. 

I don’t understand life, I don’t understand why we’re all here, but we are. 

I have so much to be grateful for, yet I’m ungrateful. I could do so much good and yet I don’t. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m so scared to do things. 

The world just feels like like one big headache.