Ls-Ls Writes

Feanor shouting from the Void:

But let's unpack what it means for Galadriel to refer to Eärendil as "our most beloved star".

Our.

That word has a particular meaning here. To begin with, Eärendil is Idril's son, and Turgon, Idril's father, was Galadriel's first cousin and part of the host that crossed Helcaraxë with Galadriel. Notably, of that host, Fingolfin, Galadriel and Finrod are named as the leaders who are predominantly responsible for getting them across mostly alive - but Turgon is Fingolfin's second son.

There's no realistic way you shake that out to mean anything other than they were functionally close and knew each other well. Turgon's wife Elenwë was one of those lost on Helcaraxë. We don't know how old Idril was at the time, but we do know she was born in Aman, so the very youngest she could possibly be is a year or so old, which means you have anything from Galadril already having known her well from growing up as family in Aman, to Galadriel watching her growup in the aftermath of the Exile, until the point where Galadriel took up residence in Doriath and Idril went with Turgon to Gondolin.

Moreover, Galadriel was a survivor of the Sack of Doriath, which means she would have been part of the community at the mouth of Sirion where Idril and Tuor, carrying Eärendil, would have ended up after the destruction of Gondolin.

She would have known him as a little boy, and an older boy; she would have known him as an awkward tween, and a gangling teen, and a new husband to Elwing, and an enraptured new father. She would probably have had something to say about him taking up his father's habit of attempting to sail west, although who knows in what direction.

She also survived the Third Kinslaying, when Elwing with the Silmaril threw herself into the Sea.

To most people in this story, Eärendil is, well, a story. Even to Elrond - in whose house Aragorn, if you recall, was not even going to fucking TOUCH this topic Thank Much - who is let us not forget Eärendil's son, he is at best the fuzzy memory of a very small boy.

Not to Galadriel. Galadriel knew Eärendil's mother before she even had the name "Galadriel". She would have known Eärendil himself from childhood to the day he left and never returned. And the Silmaril he's wearing?

That's the Silmaril - the specific one of the three - that Galadriel's older brother died for, because of Thingol's stupid bride-price. It's the one Thingol then died for, again largely because of his own stupidity. It's the one Doriath and Sirion both burned for, and that stole Elwing from her children and then allowed Elwing and Eärendil to find their way to Aman as the only people who could, to petition for the Valar to intervene on behalf of what was left of the Lost and the Exiled.

And then finally it was the one that allowed the killing of Ancalagon the Black, the dragon so vast he broke a three-peaked volcano when he fell, and without whose death the War of Wrath might not have been won.

So yeah, Fëanáro Curufinwë, sure. We agree that the Silmarils are in their light etc etc* better than anything, even the Kindler's work. But nobody's ever disputed that, including her, which is why she hallowed them for you. Possibly even this is the reason that his light is powerful enough that she can draw it out of her fountain into a glass phial which is still a massive flex given she's doing it in MIDDLE EARTH but ANYWAY . . .

But that's not what makes Galadriel call Eärendil our most beloved star. Eärendil is beloved because of both everything he represented and everything he did (including in the end attempting to take all of the possible consequences for showing up and saying "hey. WE NEED HELP" on himself alone)†; and for her in particular he is beloved because she would have known him, seen him grow, seen what led him to become what he is now, and fully understand that.

But Fëanor would completely miss all of that, which is why he'll be sitting in Mandos for another few Ages before anyone actually wants to talk to him again.

[*which originally came from the Two Trees, which Yavanna made, but I digress]

I cannot express how much all of the added information makes it so much funnier that Luke blew it up.

Luke destroys literally everything Palpatine built. He blows up the Death Star, which was referenced in universe as early as the second movie. He blew up the weapon of mass destruction twenty years in the making. And he blew it up pretty much directly after it’s first and only successful attack. It was operational for fifteen minutes, fifteen minutes that Palpatine had the thing he’d been building for longer than Luke has been alive, and Luke blows it up. First day retirement, but first hour retirement.

Luke convinces Darth Vader to turn back to the light side, a feat thought literally impossible by literally everybody. Sidious clearly doesn’t see Vader’s betrayal coming. Vader’s betrayal was not in his plans, nor was it something he was prepared for. Sidious is a powerful Force user with all four limbs while Vader is a man in the tin can Palpatine put him in. If Palpatine had seen Vader turning coming, he would not have allowed it to happen.

Luke literally should not even be alive. Palpatine almost definitely got Padme out of the way on purpose, and he almost certainly was trying for her unborn child as well (there was way too big of a risk that a cute liddol bebe would bring some humanity back to Anakin, and Palpatine did not want Anakin to have any humanity) Luke living is literally the first step in Palpatine’s ultimate downfall, especially once Vader finds out that Luke is his son. His very alive son. His son that is not dead, despite Palpatine claiming Anakin killed Padme. Implying that Anakin killed Padme and she posthumously gave birth. But, she didn’t give birth on Mustafar, which was the last place Anakin interacted with her. And once the mother dies, you have to get those fuckers out fast or they die too.

I imagine Darth Vader piecing all of this together is that meme with all the math floating around his head, because how could Padme have died by his hand and then given birth like two hours later?

Luke killing Palpatine is what ultimately leads to the dissolution of the Empire as an omnipotent entity. Luke killed the Empire. Luke spends a good amount of his adult life killing Empire remnants. We see that in the Mandalorian, since he’s so recognizable that Gideon immediately knows he’s fucked just by seeing an X-wing. We read it in Legends’ continuity, where Luke terrifies Imperials because he can walk into their changing room and stand in their for a minute and they don’t even notice.

Luke destroyed Palpatine’s life’s work. Everything Palpatine spent his whole life working towards, and Luke kills all of it. He blows up not one, but two Death Stars (he may not have pulled the trigger on the second Death Star, but without him, it never would have been destroyed). He convinces not one, but multiple Sith and Dark Jedi to return from the Dark Side. He is the only reason that Obi-Wan Kenobi, the biggest pain in Palpatine’s ass ever born, lives long enough to make it to the Death Star.

Palpatine went through so much effort. And just when he had finally won, when he finally had a weapon capable of destroying entire planets with a single blast, making it impossible for any planets or peoples to go against him, Luke shows up nineteen years late to the Jedi party with space Starbucks and a droid twice his age and almost singlehandedly destroys everything Palpatine ever had a hand in creating.

Luke manages to become even worse than Obi-Wan Kenobi, the ultimate thorn in the side of politicians, and Luke doesn’t even understand any politics. He wasn’t trained in diplomacy like Obi-Wan and Leia, no, he’s a farmboy who left home for the first time in his entire life, just this morning. And he is the one to destroy the Empire.

If they rewrote Star Wars and had it entirely from Palpatine’s perspective, Luke Skywalker would be his greatest foe. Luke Skywalker would be the final boss. Luke Skywalker is the antithesis of everything Palpatine believes in and he is the one character that Palpatine cannot predict. He isn’t as moldable as Anakin, he doesn’t respond to threats very well, he’s apparently impossible to kill via Force lightning (still the funniest scene of all times, the progression of Palpatine’s face falling and him looking like “what the fuck??? Is this kid rubber??? I’ve electrocuted him eight times???”), his unwavering faith in his father’s goodness makes Darth Vader want to be a better person, Luke Skywalker is the big bad of Palpatine’s story and—

There is nothing in this world that is funnier than someone’s biggest antagonist being Luke fucking Skywalker. Luke Skywalker, who saved the galaxy with the power of love and who shouldn’t exist, by Jedi rules and by Palpatine’s own attempts, and whose best friends are literally droids, which Palpatine canonically hates!

In the books, they return from the War, only to see that the war has not left their home untouched. Not only has it not left their home unscathed, battle and conflict is still actively ravaging the Shire. They return, weary and battle-scarred, to find a home actively wounded and in need of rescue and healing. All four launch themselves into defending their home and rousting those harming it, and eventually succeed. But their idyllic home has been damaged, and even once healed, is never quite again the Shire they set out to save.

In contrast, in the Jackson films, they return to a Shire shockingly untouched by the horrors of war. The hobbits of the Shire talk, in the Green Dragon in Fellowship of the Ring, about not getting involved with issues "beyond our borders," and it seems those issues have not invaded their sanctuary. After having been bowed to by kings, dwarves, elves, and men alike at the coronation in Gondor, their only acknowledgment upon returning home is a skeptical head shake from an older hobbit.

One of the most poignant scenes to me in Return of the King (and there are a considerable amount) is the scene where Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are sitting in the Green Dragon. The pub patrons bustle around them, talking loudly, clapping excitedly, drinking cheerfully, just as they had in the beginning of the story. But the four hobbits sit silently, watching almost curiously at what was once familiar but is now foreign to them. Their home has not changed. But they have.

It’s a meme from an old episode of Arrested Development. You’ve seen it here on tumblr, but not always with the original context. 

The character sees a paper bag in the fridge labelled “Dead Dove Do Not Eat.” He takes the bag out of the fridge, opens it up, makes a disgusted face, and then the famous “I don’t know what I expected.”

There really was a dead dove in the bag.

When you see a fic tagged with “dead dove do not eat” it basically means, “this fic is clearly labelled (tagged) indicating content that some people will not want to read. If you read it anyway, it’s your own fault. I warned you.”

Just for example, say a series has some implied cannibalism in it. 

A given fic for this series might tag with “cannibalism warning” just because it’s in the canon and the fic acknowledges or discusses  it. Some people might be okay with discussing it in the abstract, even if they don’t want to see it represented explicitly.  Others might be uncomfortable with just the concept, and the author might add “don’t like don’t read” to remind those people that they may not want to engage with the fic at all.

Because I started off by thinking “DDDNE serves as an indication of subject intensity, which is an important purpose and it’s a shame that we don’t have other things like that” but then I realized, we do! They’re just slightly less formalized than other kinds of tagging systems modern fandom tends to work with.

Broadly speaking, there are two kinds of intensity scales in common use in modern fandom.

The first is the violence/sex intensity scale, which tends overall to be conflated with or used as a shorthand for the intensity/maturity rating of the fic itself. And people have talked in detail about the difference between an M and an E rating, in terms of how explicitly the sex act or violence act is described. 

But sex and violence are not the only topics that warrant an intensity scale. There are plenty of topics that people (myself included) are okay with when talking about in an abstract or general way, but if the narrative starts to dig down into the real nitty gritty of the topic I might only want to read it if I’m in the right headspace, or not at all. 

And though there isn’t an official G to E scale, fandom has implicitly recognized this need and filled it with canonical tags – such as Implied/Referenced X, Canon-Typical X, or Dead Dove Do Not Eat. 

1. Implied/Referenced X tells the reader that topic X is going to be discussed, but not shown explicitly on-screen. Unless the whole broad topic is a trigger for a reader, it’s probably okay for them to read.

2. Next step up from that is Canon-Typical X, which can generally be understood as the base or standard level of intensity for topic X in fandom Y. Exactly what level of intensity that is varies from fandom to fandom – ‘canon-typical violence’ for The Avengers is probably going to be a different level of intensity than ‘canon-typical violence’ for The Witcher, just to name two offhand. But it is generally understood that if you’re reading fic for fandom Y in the first place, the level of X present in the work is probably not going to be too much for you.

Maedhros. Tall, remarkably good-looking, unusual red hair, The White Fire In His Eyes, and he’s missing a hand. Pretty sure there is literally nobody else in Beleriand fitting that description.

Thingol. The Tallest Ever. Also the only Sinda with the light of the Trees in his eyes.

Lúthien. The Most Beautiful Ever, but also good at making magic cloaks that hide her from unwelcome eyes, so it depends on whether she wants you to recognise her or not.

Galadriel. Very tall and unusually beautiful, with remarkable golden hair.

Dior. Exceptionally beautiful, and the only Peredhel around for most of his lifetime.

Turgon. Also one of the Tallest Ever. But he should be in Gondolin so you probably wouldn’t expect to come across him in the woods.

Amrod and Amras, together – they have unusual red hair and are almost identical, so you’d definitely recognise them if you saw them together. If they’re apart or Amrod is crispy, potentially less likely.

Gwindor post-escape from Angband. Aged in the manner of mortal men and missing a hand, so you might recognise him if you knew about that. When he shows up at Nargothrond with Túrin, he’s so changed that nobody does recognise him, so doesn’t have any other distinguishing features. Counterpoint: maybe the aging thing happened to a lot of escaped thralls.

Aegnor. One of the few blond Noldor, with unusual spiky hair.

Celegorm. Has a big magic dog. On the other hand, when Lúthien canonically comes across him in the woods, she doesn’t recognise him until he introduces himself.

"I like Stone Soup," said the cow. "Stone Soup is an honest con. We get a meal, everyone thinks they've seen a little bit of magic, you sell the stone for a little bit of pocket money, you pick up another stone at the next town. Everyone gets something."

"And if I remember right, you were the one who suggested we steal the magic beans."

"That wasn't stealing, that was a legitimate trade."

"A legitimate trade for a talking cow that disappeared by morning?"

"He didn't even lock the barn! How is that my fault?" She huffed and laid her head onto her forelimbs. The stalk of grass in her lips wobbled with her scowl. "Old fool never knew what he had."

Jack hummed. He craned forward to get a better look into the tiny, cracked glass, pulled gently at the corner of his eye and delicately dabbed the makeup brush.

"My point is," said the cow, "this all seems rather - cruel."

Jack turned. One half of his face was magnificently painted in faerie shades of blues and violets. The other half was just confused. "What on earth are you talking about?"

"For gods' sake, Jack, this is a perfectly innocent girl who you plan on humiliating in front of the royal court."

"How would she be humiliated? As far as she'll know, she'll have a lovely time at a lovely ball in a lovely ballgown."

"You don't have a lovely ballgown!"

"Well I can't afford a ballgown, now can I?!"

"So you're going to make her waltz in her fucking underclothes?!"

He took a dramatic breath. "Look," he said, brandishing the makeup brush. "If it worked on the fucking emperor, it'll work on a fucking scullery maid. If she gets told by a fairy that she's wearing a fairy dress that can only be seen by intelligent people, she is going to believe like hell that she's wearing the very image of sartorial extravaganza."

The brush was masterfully twiddled. "And when everyone else finds out that she's wearing a fairy dress that can only be seen by intelligent people, there won't be a single person in that room who would dare to disagree."

The cow shook her head. "I don't know, Jack," she sighed. "I just don't know."

"It'll be fine," Jack said, turning back to the tiny glass and bringing a deft hand again on the canvas. "Trust me. How did you do finding the slippers?"

"Couldn't find crystal," said the cow. "Best I could get were a glass set from an elf down at the cobbler's."

hello my hand is gonna fall off