100% Correct Quotes from Tolkien's Works

gandalf: no worries got you covered

elrond: hey you can’t say that here

Gandalf, outside the door: oh hang on, just a sec. for reasons I won’t explain; this is about to get super geopolitical. Try not to spill too many beans in front of Denethor.

Pippin: Do I have that many of them?

Denethor: right, you ignorant child! Under my skilled interrogation I shall force you to spill the beans.

Pippin: I know three things about beans and will share them (under skilled interrogation, discourses for a full hour on beans, the preparation thereof, the cultivation thereof, and the Shire’s various thoughts on beans in general)

Gandalf: (pretends to be annoyed) denethor if you wanted SENSIBLE discourse on geopolitical beans I am RIGHT HERE

Denethor, fascinated: no! I already know everything you’re about to say and I’m NOT accepting criticism at this time. And I genuinely have no idea what this guy’s going to say next - do you have ANY idea how fun that is for me

Pippin: now the classic market share of baked beans inna tin belongs to Heinz, but I myself am a Branston man, because - referencing my previous statements - if you want beans, you do NOT need to faff about with a tin opener. The decision to retain the pop-top -

Gandalf: this is unbelievable. denethor, can we -

Denethor: BZT! ✋ let him cook

(Later)

Pippin: are you mad at me for talking about beans for an hour

Gandalf: it was, in a weird way, the best move on the chessboard, and so politically savvy that it furthered three of my agendas, and was also really funny to listen to. Denethor has the long sight; he is accustomed to reading the minds and hearts of men at a long distance, these long years. Actually, maybe this has jaded him as much as anything else. To meet a mind whose umwelt, whose very nature, he has not already fully plumbed is not just an act of political obfuscation on our part; for Denethor himself, could such fresh provocation burst his stagnant social bubble, and save him from being so terminally fucking online? Might we have uncovered the potential of a Theoden thematic parallel? Much to ponder. The only unfortunate bit was that you kept freezing up and looking guilty when Denethor asked you about containers

Pippin: you said not to spill any beans and I was worried he’d trip me up

Like when Gandalf spent literal PAGES trying to figure out why the vibes were off in Moria and Legolas chimes in with just "it's a balrog :) that shit's evil :) we're so fucked :)" like what do you MEAN you knew already and just didn't tell him??

Or at the beginning of Two Towers when Aragorn thinks there's something nearby so he puts his ear to the ground to listen, and then like 10 minutes later is like "hmmm i hear horses" and Legolas is just like "mm yep. there are 105 blond bitches with spears" like you just let your friend put his face in the dirt and you can SEE them??

gandalf is scratching his head in moria, and legolas is thinking "oh man, the wizard noticed something off *besides* the obvious balrog that we all are aware of??"

@cuarthol yes perfect thank you exactly this

Feanor: Be he foe or friend, be he foul or clean, brood of Morgoth or bright Vala, Elda or Maia or Aftercomer, Man yet unborn upon Middle-earth, neither law, nor love, nor league of swords, dread nor danger, not Doom itself, shall defend him from Fëanor, and Fëanor's kin, whoso hideth or hoardeth, or in hand taketh -- lest he taketh with the purpose of surrendering to us -- or afar casteth -- lest 'tis, like, a "ey, catch this" sort of situation whereupon they cast it in our own direction-- a Silmaril. I shall now take a moment to elucidate that we work on a priority-basis, starting from the greatest foes to the least, so that in a hypothetical situation in which both Morgoth and a lesser foe are both in possession of some number of Silmarils we are duty-bound to address Morgoth first and the lesser foe second, even if the latter task seems more easily accomplishable. On that note I should also like to make clear that children below the age of fifty are considered noncombatants and ought not be cast aside to die in the woods. In a hypothetical situation where our black deeds have left us unworthy to touch the stones will also swear we shall wear proper PPE, including thick leather gloves and goggles, if we come to possess them. This swear we all: death we will deal him ere Day's ending, woe unto world's end! Our word hear thou, Eru Allfather! To the everlasting Darkness doom us if our deed faileth. On the holy mountain hear in witness, and our vow remember, Manwë and Varda!

SoF: ...

Feanor : children here Is the best version

Hear me out

Amras : dad we are Hungry.

Feanor : not now son .Where Was I....

Teleri 1 : it Is 1 AM. I GET YOU DONT WORK BUT SOME PEOPLE HERE DO . GO TO SLEEP

Teleri 2 : Think of your children. They are slepy and Hungry , go home .

...

Meanwhile

Mairion : my lord where are those Feanorians you talked about

Melkor : I dont know precious. Maybe the Lost the way or something, or they went tò the wrong fortress

Mairion : the wrong fortress ? WE ARE THE ONLY ONE HERE MASTER

Aragorn: The plan is we win.

Aragorn: definitely says fuck, and has to catch himself and tone it down when he becomes king

Boromir: yes. "They have a fucking cave troll."

None of the hobbits do; at least, not at first. Pippin picks up swears from Boromir, and Sam will swear under duress

Gimli: swears all the time, but mainly in Khuzdul. He definitely tries to teach Khuzdul swears to Legolas

Legolas: swears very rarely, and usually in Sindarin, which sounds so pretty that it goes unnoticed. Gimli often tries to goad him into swearing

Gandalf: knows all the swears, but doesn't say them

Galadriel: used to swear when she was younger, but that was thousands of years ago, and she no longer does.

Eowyn: swears constantly. every other word.

Faramir: swore once, and still regrets it.

Gollum: doesn't know any swears, but would say them if he did.

Tonight, we remember one who lent his enormous talent to telling the story we have all come to love. Hail, the victorious dead!

May the Simbelmynë cover his tomb as it did the tomb of the one he so accurately portrayed.