radis

Guys, I’m not kidding.

Suicide-baiting, cyberharassmemt, cyberstalking, death/rape threats, and hate speech are illegal in all 50 states as well as Australia and the UK.

Some places include school suspension or expels. Some even include jail time for multiple years.

And yes, they can find someone by username or IP alone.

Also, yes. There are methods of catching someone’s IP. Even under a VPN.

So.

Next time you get hit with anon hate?

Casually remind them you can very easily take this to the next level. And they can earn jail time while you lay back in your chair, having saved yourself and everyone else from a violent criminal.

Your online actions have real life consequences.

Make sure they learn that.

(Just in case there’s a “the police wouldn’t do that” - Yes. They absolutely would.

Or a “I can handle it.” No. That person will continue to harass others as well. And one of them may not be as strong as you. So do it for them and everyone else.

Or a “It’s not that severe.” Yes. It is. People have died because of this. It really is that severe.)

one: pay attention to the music you’re relating to. sometimes it’s a clear indicator that something is wrong. other times, it’s an indicator that something is very, very right. when the latter happens, pay extra close attention.

two: true control is subtle, not obsessive. you may not even know that you have it when you do. people who are in control do not question it. they just are.

three: never pass up the opportunity to stick the tips of your fingers out the window of a moving car. feel the wind carry you to the sound of your favorite songs. this is a reminder that you’re alive.

four: thoughts don’t have to mean anything. you can just let them be there.

five: notice when you’re struggling and allow yourself some leeway when you do. however, learn the difference between giving yourself leeway and enabling your struggle. 

six: you cannot build self-love from a foundation of self-hatred. first, work toward self-acceptance. love will follow.

seven: do not love others simply because they love you back. do not expend your love on people who won’t love you back. 

eight: don’t forget to stop and look around. take a moment a day to stop doing and just be. the mindfulness hype isn’t overrated. there’s a reason for it.

nine: setting limits and saying no will not end any relationship worth keeping. 

ten: friendships built on moments of competitive misery are not healthy. if you find that you’re having the urge to constantly showcase your misery around someone, take that as a red flag. sadness is not a competition you want to win.

eleven: recovery is not about being happy. some days you will feel bored and flat. but these days are still better than those you built around destroying yourself. these days are still victories. recovery is about being alive.

twelve: when you’ve built an identity around being sad, the concept of happiness may scare you. giving that sadness up will strip you of most everything and leave you feeling empty. embrace this emptiness and fill it up with exploration. you’ll find that it’s worth it.

At one point she straight up blocked me and bragged to mutual friends about it. Friends went to me and told me to move on and that it’s her loss. Her and I didn’t talk for 2 years. In that time, I moved on to the point of getting married. Soon after I got married, she popped in to see if I was single still and lost her shit when she found out I had gotten hitched.

She tried to convince me to get a divorce and called me and idiot for getting married in the first place.

The best part… When she asked why I didn’t wait for her to “come around”. I told her she gave me no choice but to move on when she blocked me.

This was her answer: well a block is only temporary. You should have just waited for it to end then hit me up!

He ended up marrying another woman who never played games with him and helped his better side come out.

nothing’s stopping you from being all that and a caring person overflowing with love

name one thing more brutal yet hilarious than shouto staring down his abusive father and slurping on his noodles as he destroys his dads ego with guilt

- i didn’t believe in my friends’ and family’s compliment anymore - i thought that i wouldn’t ever be able to get to the level of my favorite artists - i am wasting time if i’m not practicing - i am wasting time if i’m just practicing - oh this drawing is quite good i think i am improving - i cried because it was far from the level i wanted though - i can’t put my ideas on paper - i only copy I don’t create - this technique is great maybe i should use it in my art - this technique doesn’t work for me but how is this great to others??? - no one likes just sketches they like finished realistic stuff - i should finish my drawings for a change - maybe i am not good enough  - i will keep doing this just because it makes me feel good - i need more practice - i need more ideas - why no one cares about my ideas? - i think this is good why no one’s commenting or liking?

my thoughts now:

- I will NEVER get to the level of my favorite artists. Because I’m not them. I’m me. I’m ok with that. - I am NOT wasting time if I practice. - I love drawing, so I don’t care if somethings looks horrible. - I shouldn’t finish my drawings - that’s how I like them to be. - I care about my ideas. - I am improving but I know I can get better - I will try to find my own techniques - i will keep doing this just because it makes me feel good

Nope.

“Well, that’s just carbon emissions. What about places for all those people to live?”

If the world’s population all lived in one city that was as densely populated as Manhattan, that city would be the size of Ecuador. The space taken up by ourselves and our toys is actually rather insignificant next to that taken up by our farmland.

“Ah-hah! Farmland! We’re not producing enough food for all those people!”

The problem here is we are insanely wasteful with our food.

Firstly, half of all food grown in the US goes straight into the dumpster.

Secondly, we grow it very inefficiently. We could very easily increase the food yield of a given area of land by building a greenhouse on it (which also reduces water loss) and using poly-cultures instead of mono-cultures; the reason our preferred method is open-air mono-culture farms, which are susceptible to erosion and blight and requires a god-awful amount of water to stay hydrated, is that labor is expensive and land is cheap.

In fact, if we took it even further–growing our food in carbon dioxide-rich environments lit with artificial lighting 24 hours a day (or at least at night)–you only need 1-2000 square feet of farmland per person. Admittedly, you pretty much have to have fusion power for this to be an environmentally and economically viable option, but still; the point is, we could easily condense our environmental footprint by a shit-ton (and even more options will be available in the future) without decreasing our population one iota.

“There is still a maximum carrying capacity the planet has.”

I like how considerate Thor is. I like the fact that Thor… he was thinking about Valkyrie, he was just like, “I’ll go off and not only get a weapon. I’ll go get some clothes for her as well, to inspire her. Give her a sense of place. Help her get her identity back. She’s been running from the truth and running from her past.” He’s just given her an opportunity to embrace it, to acknowledge who she is. She’s a Valkyrie.

You sound dubious there, Thunderchuckles.

Did you mean “I found this in my old bedroom b/c the Valkyries were everything to me growing up and I begged my mom for the outfit when I was ten but she never got it for me so I bought it for myself when I was seventeen with my paper route money”???

Oh, gosh. As someone who has been on BOTH sides of this experience, this speaks to me right where I live.

If you’re at all like me, this stuff is difficult from several angles:

Firstly, I like people to be happy and not unhappy. If I can do things to make people happy, I tend to want to do them. Other people’s (un)happiness often feels like it weighs more strongly than my own (un)happiness.

Secondly, I am extremely rejection-sensitive myself, so this ups my perception of the harm to the other person. It also makes the whole topic feel extremely charged, b/c if *I* secretly don’t like this person for no reason they can control then maybe other people secretly don’t like me for reasons I can’t control. Maybe all my friends secretly hate me! (They don’t. I’ve checked.)

Thirdly, if I’m honest, I would like to be able to reject someone in a way that somehow causes zero change in their opinion of me, see previous All People Must Like Me At All Times Or I’ve Failed As A Human Being. (Also not true. I’ve checked on that one, too.)

Soooo yeah. This is one of those easier-as-a-bystander things, but here’s some things that have helped me.

-Untangle what you do control from what you don’t

You are in charge of your feelings and your actions. You CAN’T control (or even 100% predict) how the other person will react to them, so stop assigning yourself the task of being feelings!forecaster and emotions!wrangler.

Sometimes things in life (like you not manifesting the correct feelings) will make people feel bad in ways you can’t actually prevent or control. Give yourself permission to not try.  Break ups hurt, and the idea that there is a Magical Correct Perfect way that will cause no hard feelings is, sadly, not a real thing.  Pull off the band-aid fast or slow or however the heck you prefer.  It’s gonna come off.

-Try not to project

Worth emphasizing: If they haven’t said it out loud, you don’t actually know what they’re thinking or feeling.  Mind reading is a cognitive distortion, so try to spot when you’re falling into it.  Ditto for fortune-telling (you don’t know how they’re going to react) or catastrophizing.

-Practice enthusiastic consent in relationships

Seriously. Do this *today.* Every time you find yourself in a position where you need decide to skype/message/reply/hang out with/otherwise spend emotional energy on this person" check in on your consent. Do you enthusiastically want to?

If not: don’t.

It is amazing how often this idea feels revolutionary. But you don’t owe strangers (or your friends) make-outs or sex just because it would make them happy, and similarly you don’t owe them a deep, emotional feelings jam. Or even a relationship. Neutrality towards someone is not harm.

Guilt is a toxic as fuck relationship dynamic, Do Not Do.

-Sometimes people don’t click

It’s not a referendum on someone’s character if you just don’t feel it the same way. You don’t need to be someone’s friend because they are nice. You don’t need to be someone’s friend just because you don’t have a compelling reason not to be. You don’t actually need a reason to not want to be someone’s friend. There are several billion perfectly nice people in the world you will not have time to be in either a platonic or romantic relationship with.

Also, having incompatible relationship needs doesn’t necessarily mean EITHER of you need to change as a person.  It just means you have incompatible needs.

If you feel bad for not being able to be the Nice Thing in this person’s life, go leave a comment on someone’s fanwork.  There, you’ve brightened someone’s day.

-It’s not rude to not answer someone on the internet

This one’s hard for me! But seriously. Especially the less well you know someone, the less you owe them dropping everything to craft a response of any flavor on demand. Try not to frame it as “ignoring someone speaking to your face” and look at it more as “ignoring someone shouting vaguely in your direction across a crowded room.” I’m bad at small talk, so my rule of thumb is if I don’t have anything in particular to add to a conversation, I just…. don’t. “I liked ur post” does not mandate any particular response.

-Therapists get paid

Therapy is hard, emotionally-draining work aand that is why therapists get paid to do it, and why they only do it in a very specific, limited context. When you engage in therapy as a friend, it should be as part of mutually beneficial relationship. Does this mean that 2 friends always get the same benefits out of a relationship or that 2 friends will always have the same amount of spoons to spend on a relationship at any given time? No. But over the span of years it should probably feel like it evens out.

In my personal experience, starting as someone’s free therapist doesn’t usually work out well in terms of friendship. It feels nice to be helpful, but it’s a weird power imbalance, and best case scenario you’re both eventually going to have to work out new ways to relate to each other. Worst case scenario, one or both people’s spoons drastically change and suddenly you CAN’T continue the current dynamic and nobody’s got a safety net interaction-style to fall back on.

-You can understand and empathize with a reaction without having to prioritize it

You mentioned a “terrible person reflex”. And god, I feel that.  But this is one of those areas where both of you have GOT to be aware of who is in charge of handling that reflex. (Hint: it is not you). It’s very similar to struggles with jealousy or any other cognitive distortion– they are real, painful emotions, but as distortions they are not based in reality. People outside your own brain can find some ways to provide reassurance, but they cannot manage them for you. Is there a way you can work out a ritualized shorthand for the long set of reassurances or nimble tap-dancing that it sounds like ensues from this reflex triggering? (Something like: “are we still friends?” “yep!”)

In particular, if you find that expressing a need/feeling leads to you setting that conversation aside for prolonged discussion of the other person’s needs or feelings THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY OR SUSTAINABLE PATTERN.

-Listen to your brain when it wants you to stop doing something that hurts

When you’re experiencing emotional overload, distress, or damage, a healthy brain is gonna take steps to protect you. That resentment?  That is your brain giving you armor.  That is emotional coping.

If you’re like me, and not always very tuned in to your own needs (I *can* so obviously I *should*).  Sometimes your brain will just scale up the shouting (”Seriously, Stop Doing the Thing”) until you have to acknowledge it. One example is the “bitch eating crackers” phenomenon, where your brain escalates resentment of a person to the point where even the way they eat crackers starts to bother you. “Look at that bitch sitting there eating crackers.” This is not a good place to be in in a relationship. Repression is not a sustainable interaction style in a relationship.

-People that love you want you to be happy

If you are unhappy, that is important. If your happiness requires you taking a step back, *even in a way that hurts the other person*, most of your friends will want you to take that step. Plus side: this means that sharing a relationship problem will trigger good friends’ protective problem-solving rather than defensiveness. Or at the very least you know what they would want for you if they were in a better place.

The corollary to this is, of course, people that don’t value your happiness are not worth pouring your emotional energy into.

-If you’re waiting for the Thing That Will Give You Permission to Leave, “I want to” is sufficient reason

I have to include this because it is so damn important.  Seriously.  If you want out of a relationship, this is your sign.  Go.

-Be aware that “do this or I’ll hurt myself” is also abuse

Also so damn important.  Threats of physical violence to coerce behavior are Not Good.  Run run run.

-You aren’t required to invest work in fixing a relationship, but if you DO  want to put it in, here are some quick thoughts:

Switch to only engaging in ways, frequencies, and topics that you find rewarding. (ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT. DESIST FROM EMOTIONAL SUPPRESSION.)

State your needs without feeling the required to offer detailed explanation or justification. (“I’m really stressed lately, so I need to only talk about casual things”)

Resist the urge to get drawn into guilt spirals.  (”I’m not mad” + restate need).

Resist engaging with stuff that violates boundaries you’ve communicated–just ignore and switch the topic. Redirect any too-heavy stuff to other channels. (“Sounds like you need a therapist to talk to”; “Ugh, that sounds stressful, hope you find someone that can help you through that”; “Sounds like something you two will need to work out together”; + TOPIC CHANGE).

Shift some of the relationship work to the other person, such as strategizing ways to balance conflicting needs.

Frankly what I’m hearing from you is “I want to stop” so…. yeah, you can stop.  Official Stranger On the Internet permission given.