If Ilya and Shane actually wrestled like no holds barred to the death full competition mode rough and tumble fighting, I think most of the time Shane would win. Shane is used to Ilya throwing him around and pinning him down, but Ilya gets tossed to the ground once and gets so turned on he passes out. Shane yells at him and pins him and he just gives up because he's so horny he cannot actually think. Their friends are like oh my god Shane you're hurting him! And Ilya is lying there under him so so so pleased like yayyyy I love being pinned by my huge sexy jock boyfriend #mysexyjockboyfriend DO NOT SAVE HIM he is exactly where he wants to be!!

i just know after they got married if shane doesn’t reply instantly, ilya’s gonna spamming “shane shane shane shane shane shane shane” till shane finally responds with “ilya what the hell” “send a selfie. i miss you, i want to see you cute little freckled face”

au where the voyageurs/metros are like 5% less awful and agree to come to shane and ilya's wedding so beforehand hayden stages a meeting where the team can get all their terrible offensive questions out of the way like the key & peele gay wedding advice sketch

living in the world where ilya and svetlana go on a zaney abortion road trip across the usa. and yes obviously she is pregnant by ilya. they discussed ilya throwing her down the stairs and also the effects of party drugs vis a vis abortion success before packing up his jag (with 21 miles of gas in it) and heading down the highway

it is CRUCIAL to me that svetlana is also an idiot. like they’re both incredibly smart and have stunning people skills and have drive and talent and shine like precious rare beetles to me obviously. but ilya is stupid as bricks and, as his lifelong best friend, i MUST conclude that svetlana is stupid in an identical way. All this to say i think they’re trying insane abortion home remedies they get from etsy witches ilya finds online when it’s svetlana’s turn to drive. and also from maureen the diner waitress who swears her aunt drank from a specific well and had a barren womb for the rest of her life.

they reminisce fondly about their route 66 abortion roadtrip in front of shane years later and he gets so jealous he has to leave to pace in the yard. it should have been HIM that got teenage pregnant and had to abort for his career while ilya supportively held his hand down a scenic highway at sunset! fuck!

Its so important to remember that when Shane says "Ilya noooo, Ilya ewww, what the fuck Ilya" that this is him giggling and kicking his feet. The man is not a killjoy he just loves being chased.

i feel like yuna has had the most insane midnight discussions with david about shane and ilya. david i am so glad they found each other but i do worry about them not having a woman around. who is going to review their sponsorship riders?? who is going to vet their staff??? who is staying on top of the latest rulings in entertainment contract law??????

can i say something. Shane in his nighttime tampa hotel room outfit was kinda giving Pleakley