I’m imagining the added racialized element with Shane would put a bigger target on his back even if it was subconscious. Ilya’s father we see is incredibly important so I imagine that that might make him more insulted from harm but who knows.

Kinda fucked up, but also can you envision Shane or Ilya PARTICIPATING in hazing of others? More so in a team hierarchy sort of way. Maybe nothing awful but- just little things.

always up to talk abt hockey. yes, they would have been subject to hazing/other proliferated predatory/derogatory abuses/violations from kids AND adults in the hockey feeder system. i appreciate folks not wanting to get into it, but there is no untouchable guy in hockey. so yes, the latter. skill makes a target bc everyone wants to be the best or get one over on the best.

cannot find the link rn, but there's a good bit in a sid cr*sby retrospective that highlights his childhood tournaments, & how he was already so obviously better than the other kids, that he had to stop wearing his jersey in between games in the arenas bc parents/adults would see him and start harassing him for their child's sake; and they targeted him w deliberate attempts to injury/maim.

that's just a small bit of what's available publicly to see.

that's the culture.

yes, it would be worse with shane. exceptionally. with shane there's always gonna be overt (NOT subconscious) racist & violent white capitalist hegemony thinking he is not 'worth enough or white enough' to take on as a part of their for-profit elite white men's club. kids emulate and reflect this, to violently attack players of color.

players today in the league deal with this in a spectrum: if they fight/push back against racist comments/literally having things thrown at them, they are labelled a troublemaker (nazem k*dri). if they make comments pointing out that players are required to assimilate w league culture and not rock the boat, they are punished publicly (zayne p*rekh). if they make a young, dumb mistake, local law enforcement will move to try and end their career, instead of supporting them like white players through an entire SA trial (gavin mck*nna). IF they do none of the above and they break records and churn out killer point totals per season and rarely fight, (and even wear a police jersey on walk-in lmfuckingao) they will still somehow not the be the 'right(white) kind of player' to publicly commend (jason r*bertson).¹

so shane is in a three prong lock of: conformity to white masculinity, lack of bodily/identity autonomy, and systemic state-sanctioned racism and classism.

But when he asks Ilya what's wrong, and all Ilya can do is shake his head as tears start running down his cheeks despite his best efforts to stop them, he doesn't run. He doesn't roll his eyes. He doesn't demand that he get over himself and get on with it.

He holds him close and presses a gentle kiss to his chest, his chin, his temple, and then his lips. He cages Ilya's face in his enormous safe hands and wipes away the tears with a gentle swipe of his thumb. He presses a kiss to his forehead, where it hurts most, and looks him right in the eye without a hint of regret, or disgust, or hatred. He looks at him like he's always looked at him – eyes full of unbridled affection.

"What do you need? What can I do?"

And when Ilya tells him he doesn't know, that that's part of the problem, Shane doesn't get frustrated or annoyed. He just wraps his arms tightly around him until the trembling stops.

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shane thinks he's respecting ilya's choice: we cannot do that, we cannot be more, this risk is too much and i am not willing to take it. continuing to pursue ilya at this point would feel tantamount to trying to pressure him into a relationship, and shane doesn't want to do that. so he'll back off, let ilya know he's here just generally as someone who cares for him, but, like, he gets it. he'll stop. he'll allow ilya his distance. he respects ilya's decision, even if it breaks his heart.

meanwhile ilya stops getting daily texts from shane, spends all day thinking about shane, glowers at his phone all summer long (he goes back to russia with svetlana. he stays for all of four days before he books a flight back to boston. why did he even do this? he asks himself. papa is dead. mama has been dead for so long. he doesn't want to talk to his brother. so why is he even here?) and then finally hockey season starts up again and shane Doesn't Text Him to talk shit about the san francisco game he watched last night, and ilya realizes like. wait. what the fuck? no, no, no. this feels bad. this feels bad and wrong. this is not what i want.

except. now it's ilya rozanov vs himself: final boss, "avoidant tendencies and self sabotage" edition. if he wants shane back, he's going to have to be honest about his feelings, voluntarily, for the first time in his life. in tampa he wouldn't have admitted to anything if shane hadn't more or less dragged him into talking about his feelings kicking and screaming; at this point he's got to imagine tampa shane there again, taking him by the hand and going "cut the bullshit, ilya," and then giving him those impossible-to-resist big brown eyes. it's a process.

anyways. where i'm going with this:

when boston goes to montreal, ilya shows up on shane's doorstep with a bouquet of flowers. shane is utterly bamboozled.

he's standing there in the entryway (he let ilya in, of course, but they haven't made it past the front hallway) holding this big colorful bouquet like. ????? what??? what is this?? you... don't do things like this. what is happening? what are you doing???????

and ilya has to shove his hands in his pockets so he doesn't start wringing them like. um. i don't know. i don't know what i am doing either but i just wanted to. i don't know. do you like them?

shane takes a whiff (they are quite fragrant and he does like them) and sighs wistfully and says yes, but he doesn't understand...???????

and they're both just standing there right next to the front door with this giant bouquet of flowers between them like ?????????????? until ilya clears his throat and asks if shane has plans for dinner, and the metaphorical lightbulb goes off and shane just gapes at him.

like. wait. ilya rozanov, are you... trying to woo me?

and ilya is like …….y….es??? unless you don't want me to be, in which case no, and you can throw those in the trash, and you can also simply kill me so i do not have to live with the shame of this. or if you do not want to kill me because it would make you sad i can just go throw myself into traffic or something. it's fine. um. yes.

shane stares at him for a second. and then goes on a mad dash for the nearest vase because he can't just drop the flowers, he has to put them in water and be gentle with them, but also if he doesn't get to grab ilya by the lapels of his jacket and kiss him stupid in the next minute, he might die.

(the corollary to this is that shane spends several days admiring his beautiful flowers, stroking the petals and sighing dreamily over them. when they finally start to wilt, he takes one of the hockey books he's read several times before and presses them.

a year later, ilya does go to the cottage. shane is in the shower, and while he's waiting, ilya idly picks up one of the books on the shelf in the living room to flip through, and finds it full of dried and carefully pressed flowers. odd, he thinks, but cute.

Beaux-arts des modes, no. 4, juillet 1937 (New York, Paris, London, Milano, Wien, Bruxelles). Bibliothèque nationale de France

original bsky post link

tl;dr: my fiancée, Nekha ( @starlesstundra ), needs to gather a sum of at least $200 to urgently begin severe toothache treatment (which is most likely caused by an exposed nerve) + still manage to cover her life necessities (food, bills, rent, and all the needed supplies for her cats and reptiles).

full ver, quoting her: "right now my queue is full and i cant take new commissions. the ones im working on right now are getting delayed, cause every day i suffer from severe toothache (potentially exposed nerve). because of that i have to take painkillers on a daily basis, which make me pass out till the next day because of their strong sedative effect.

i need to gather a sum of at least $200 to urgently begin treatment+ still manage to cover my life necessities (bills, food, my cats & other animals who also need to eat something). any help would be appreciated!!"

$63/200

PPal: [email protected] ( my paypal ! pls mark as "for Nekha" )

lavatop: https://app.lava.top/2700261577?tabId=donate ( preferred; can donate via card or PPal )

BandCamp waives their profit share for the next 24 hours so some ~90% of what you pay goes directly to your favourite artists.

theres a pack of cigarettes

and hes just staring at it for a few seconds and then goes "huh" and mentally wiggles his finger at his boyfriends mom bc yuna yuna yuna after all these comments about him smoking tsk

he puts them back and tries to hint here or there that he knows over the next few weeks. it never seems to land.

(those were davids)

(this not once crossed ilyas mind)

(plus yuna now thinks he found the cigarettes in her glove compartment for when the speedo ppl call bc theyre impossible to handle otherwise)

(after yuna simply Not Getting It ilya goes back and puts a note in there that says "hah, found them")

(so david assumes that was yuna and starts hinting at it)

(which makes yuna think ilya ratted her out)