Clover

I've been intentionally gaining weight recently to try to help the HRT distribute fat properly. I thought it was working for a bit but it's just all ended up going to my stomach.

I went from 62kg to 71kg. 64cm waist to 74cm waist.

97cm bust to 99cm bust. 91cm hips to 92cm hips.

I've just eaten quite a bit so the first two may be an overmeasurement but that's what I got.

I haven't been eating healthy, mainly just junk food, maybe that's why it didn't fix anything. Why I couldn't fix anything. I've just made it worse for myself in trying to make things better, as per usual. Now I'm risking falling back into the more extreme ways of trying to at least get things back to how they were.

I can't start university looking like this. Feeling like this. I have a little over three months until then, and I don't know if I can fix it in that time. I definitely don't think I can do so without certain people realising what's happening. Those who don't wish to help me through. Those who only wish to use it to control me. Those who are already looking for any excuse to keep me where they can use me.

But the thoughts are so damn strong. I know it's not healthy. I know it'll mess with my transition. But everything has to be on a fucking timer, and my metabolism is so fucked that nothing else works for me.