Real Human Person For Sure

GO OFF BESTIE

Genuinely can not fathom what was going on in Shane’s beautiful mysterious mind to make him ask Ilya for help hooking up with other men WHILE IN BED with Ilya lmao. Dude I fear that is almost unforgivably dense 😭. My sweet baby Ilya constantly flighting for his life against the jealously.

Also I’d give my left kidney, first born, and entire 401K to know what Shane’s reaction to waking up and finding out Ilya had emergency surgery without him knowing. I think David and Yuna may never get forgiven for not waking him up lolol.

the answer is that shane was feeling snuggly and comfortable and fond and relaxed and content

but thinks that this is because he is Doing Casual Sex Wrong

shane feels guilty because being in bed with ilya feels so good, and he thinks he feels more about it than he should, and he feels like he's getting away with something because ilya doesn't know he feels attached. (shane, for the love of god.)

so what can he do? practice casual sex. obviously. women he knows how to find (he gets numbers.) (he doesn't call them, but he gets them.), but he doesn't know how one picks up men. you know who does, though? ilya. ilya who is clearly a professional when it comes to casual sex.

and maybe it's even a good thing! ilya will see that shane is also interested in other people and isn't getting attached! he'll understand that shane is also SO fucking casual about this! just bros who fuck helping a bro find another bro to fuck. so bro. so casual.

and also the great irony of it is that shane internally is SO nervous about it. like i think a few comments (courtesy of the chapter being only ilya pov and ilya looking through Jealousy Glasses) think shane is just going buckwild and doesn't care and isn't anxious, but he is. like he wants to go specifically *with ilya* because this is something that he doesn't know how to do and is nervous about doing wrong, and ilya makes him feel calm and has experience in this, so double whammy of emotional support hookup and Certified Expert At This Thing. he goes out with ilya because if it goes wrong, ilya is there to have his back if needed. he trusts ilya implicitly and gets a lot of security at having him there if he fucks up at this.

but ooooh noooooooooooo. no one interested. so sad. just had to fuck ilya. oh no definitely not totally fine with this happening.

also

shane was under the impression that they were both looking to pick up. he would have been killing that person with his mind it would have been good practice of being chill with the fact that he and ilya both fuck other people. and it's so chill.

the guy tries to take shane's socks off for him while helping him out of his jeans, and ilya openly scoffs

I’m also imagining that it’s the first time he’s ever done it with anyone outside of himself when he jerks off. Shane is the first person ever to touch his ass, and there’s a vulnerability to it that Ilya didn’t quite expect.

"I'm just thinking about when we met. There should have been some sort of sign."

"There was, you pointed out the no smoking sign, was first thing you said."

Shane smiles, "sure but it just seems crazy to me that I met you and no one told me that I'd just met the most important person I'll ever know."

Ilya felt like he'd just been sideswiped by his husband. It was so like Shane to just be thinking the most romantic thing Ilya's ever heard while Ilya's playing candy crush.

"I thought that I'd found the thing that would make me happiest in the world already, and I did, because hockey led me to meeting you. It's just crazy is all"

anyway, that’s how the internet spends a year speculating that ilya rozanov and cliff marleau have explored each others bodies. they are so all over each other and constantly tweeting gay shit about each other that ilya’s time with shane barely even gets a second glance. the first time ilya drags shane out to meet cliff, a photo gets posted on twitter and everyone is like “poor shane having to third wheel these two #ally”.

And Ilya is like "No I'm out for drinks with the guys. Did you not see that we won, Hollander?"

And Shane texts back like "Of course I saw, that's why I'm texting." Then a few seconds later: "Download this app right now. Be discreet." with an app store link. And Ilya texts back like '??? 🤨 Shane, have you been hacked?'

And Shane is like 'Just download the fucking app, asshole. This is your reward. Username is Jane2481. Fucking HURRY.'

fall in love again and again...

"No English in the house," Shane scolded. He didn't really care about the rule anymore, but that wouldn't stop him from weaponizing it for his own gain.

Ilya let out a fake groan, dropped his belongings on the floor and threw himself over Shane on the couch. "How was your day?"

"Good, but better now," Shane cooed, depositing his hands into Ilya's hair.

Ilya sank into the sensation for a minute. Then broke the silence in the worst way imaginable. "Our anniversary is coming up."

Shane's mood was soured in an instant. "Can we not do this again?"

"I let us skip it last year. It is only fair."

It was true, after moving into their new home everything had been so different and moving so quickly Shane hadn't even noticed the date had passed until the following week—it had been wonderful.

"And it was great. Let's do that again."

"I don't understand why you don't want to celebrate us."

"You don't?" Shane said skeptically.

"I know what you say, but it's not like I died. If anything, we are celebrating my heroic escape!"

"I am not celebrating the day I almost lost you."

"Your fault for asking to be married on that day."

Ilya was technically correct. The moment the phone had connected that day Shane hadn't been able to keep anything in anymore. He's been broken open and raw. Nothing could have stopped the words from tumbling out. "Marry me. Right now. I know we can't have anything legally, but I can't lose you before I ever get to call you my husband. I need you to know how much you mean to me." It had been said through sobs and an addled mind but he wouldn't take it back for anything. It didn't mean he wanted to celebrate it.

"I'm not doing this."

Ilya's hands hit the couch in exasperation. "Let's just do something nice!"

"No." Shane slammed the bedroom door shut. Then locked it for good measure, before allowing his body to sink to the floor.

The hail that had brought him peace now felt like a firing squad. Everything was too loud. Why did Ilya always bring this up? Why did he refuse to understand?

- Shane had five missed calls, and five unread WhatsApp messages. All from Ilya.

I love you. Always. Maybe from the first time I saw you. I am thinking only about you right now. A million memories. Thank you for those. Whatever happens, I am with you. Safe in your heart. I believe it.

They had all come through while Shane was playing a game against Washington. He only saw them on his way out of the locker room. The amount of calls was worrying, the content of the texts was worse. They didn't sound like Ilya. Well, they did, but usually he was far more close chested about his raw emotions than this.

Shane ducked into the hall with a wave to his team mates. No one stopped him. He re-read the texts as he found a service corridor that was blissfully empty. He swiped over to his notifications again. He needed to call Ilya back right away.

There was only one other notification at the top of his phone. One of the gossipy sports columns that Shane kept an eye on to make sure there was no speculation about he or Ilya.

'Engine Trouble Forced Centaur Plane Down - What This Means for the Centaur Team Going Forward.'

It was like a gun went off over Shane's head. His half discarded hockey pads were the only reason his knees didn't crack as he hit the concrete floor. Ilya was gone? Shane slammed the call notification and the ring screen popped up. Part of him screamed to hang up, to never learn, to hold on to any shred of doubt he still had. If Ilya didn't pick up he didn't know what he would do.

Ring.

Shane would give up anything if he could have one more hug, one more kiss, one more moment where Ilya's eyes met his own.

He'd wasted so much time already, all the nights spent wishing he was two hours west, all the days he'd prioritized team building or getting to practice on time, all the mornings he'd cut short. Now he felt foolish. How could he have possibly done anything but commit himself to Ilya when their time could be cut short at any moment?

He started making a list of where he could find time. Shane was wasting too much of his life away. He'd been using too much of it on everything that didn't matter.

First, they spent too much time apart driving to each other's houses. Maybe they could split the trip? They needed to. Shane couldn't go back to his lonely apartment every night anymore. He couldn't. They would buy a house near Grenville, or some other town an hour between them both. Then every night they spent at home they would also be spending together.

Friendships would be the easiest thing to cut, he'd been pulling back from Hayden and his best friend's suspicions for a while now. He doubted anyone would really notice. Maybe JJ. The defenseman liked to keep track of people and Shane hadn't been doing a good enough job of removing himself from his notice. Family obligations would still exist but could be lessened with the right excuse. His dad would be easier to convince than his mother. He would still need to do brand deals, but he could probably get away with cutting a few of the less high-class-high-dollar ones with a lie about elevating his brand.

Still there were things that couldn't be touched without messing up his body too much, but hopefully living with Ilya could allow some of those non-negotiables like eating, sleeping and working out to be with Ilya instead of separate.

If Ilya was alive, Shane vowed he wouldn't waste another second. He would spend as much time with Ilya as he could while he still had the chance, he would give up everything as long as his boyfriend was okay. Boyfriend. Shane couldn't even call the man he loved more than anything in this world his husband. FUCK.

"Please," he begged the only god he believed in. "Please. I'll give up everything. Just pick up the phone."

Ring.

If Ilya didn't make it Shane wouldn't.

If Ilya didn't make it Shane would— No it wouldn't be that simple. For one, Shane was indebted to his mother for building his life. She'd given up everything to raise him to be the best hockey player in the MLH. His life wasn't just his to throw away.

Maybe someone else would take the selfish road, but that never worked for Shane. The guilt wouldn't let him. No, he could only allow himself to treat his life like he owned it once he'd paid in full. Yuna had raised him eighteen years. She sacrificed everything that made her herself to create Shane Hollander, the least he could do was repay her for her efforts. He would give her her due. Eighteen years of perfection. He was twenty-nine. He had less than seven to go. He'd be thirty-six. A perfectly fine age to retire. And that would solve most of the other problems with his plan. No one would even have to notice he was gone. Yes, he would hold himself to that. He'd hold on until then.

Until then, he just had to find ways to endure the pain.

He wondered if there would be a way to just skip days. Shane had never really considered drugs before, they'd mess with his performance too much. But maybe he could do it in the summers, skim over the lonely months in a drunken or drugged up stupor before it was time to get into tip top shape again. He wondered how much his body could take, how hard he could push himself if pain didn't matter anymore. Shane suddenly missed the abusive whine of the Washington locker room's fluorescent lights. He shoved his headset deeper over his ears and turned the volume all the way up so that the humming dial tone became piercing. He was sure it was damaging his ears, but it quieted his head a little.

Ring.

Everything was spiraling out of control. If Ilya didn't pick up how many more road trips would Shane have to go on? How many planes would he have to fly in hoping they would crash? How long would he be able to stare at that bottle of methamphetamine he never used when he broke his collar bone.

Between the last ring and the next Shane swiped over to his calculator. Six more years, plus the time until the draft. The screen read 2344. 2344 days until he'd consider himself repaid.

He stared down at his empty hands. No ring, just some broken dreams and a slowing heart. Shane Hollander had just died. Ri— "Shane."

"Marry me," Shane sobbed. -

The hail outside was calming. How lost had Shane been sitting in their bedroom? He pried himself off the floor, savoring the crack of his hip—a reminder of how much time had passed since then.

After that day—even when everything had turned out as it should—Shane Hollander's life was over. Only one thing mattered to Shane anymore, and it was the one thing that would always be kept separate from his name. No longer would Shane chase notoriety, fame, or championship. He wouldn't put down roots, wouldn't let anyone too close. As the years slipped by he found he couldn't help but consider any time without Ilya wasted.

The day he dedicated himself to loving Ilya was the day the person known as Shane Hollander died.

Shane didn't want to celebrate the day he killed himself.

Shane drifted over to his night stand. The letter that Ilya had written Shane during his last depressive episode sat peacefully in its drawer. Ilya was so vulnerable, sharing the darkest parts of himself. Had Shane ever shared that part of this story? Of course not, that sort of thing was strictly squared away.

The door latch felt deafening when Shane turned it. He stood in the doorframe hugging his arms. "I need to tell you something."

comphet is really juicy and interesting as a theme in queer stories, and it’s such a central part of Shane’s character arc, and i’m a little crushed we lost so much of it in the show

in the book, it’s so devastating to see how much Shane suffers with women pre-Rose. we see Shane’s growing desperation and the hope he feels when he immediately clicks with Rose and thinks he’s found the woman for him, and then we experience, alongside Shane, the crushing defeat of failing to perform (and desire) yet again

critically, up until episode 4/5, Shane isn’t questioning his attraction to men. he knows he’s into men. he’s questioning his attraction to women, and he’s hoping, praying, begging for even a sliver of a chance at meeting a woman he could tolerate dating. and then he meets the perfect woman, but he still isn’t attracted to her, and he has confront what that means