This Suck Him off Sunday is brought to you by the letter T, which stands for tuxedo. Thank you @scunthotter for the prompt! I hope this doesn’t disappoint.
The problem, Ilya realizes, is the tuxedo. It’s all sharp lines and tight angles that hug Shane’s body just right. And Shane’s been working hard in the pre-season. He’s packed on weight and muscle, and he’s rested and happy, glowing actually, at the praise he’s receiving for his speech at tonight's Irina Foundation Gala. And Ilya, well, Ilya is in trouble. He’s been in trouble for hours, since the moment Shane walked into their bathroom to ask for Ilya’s help with his cufflinks, and Ilya nearly swallowed his tongue.
"Shane," Ilya tugged him close, wrapping his arms around Shane’s waist.
Shane flushed. "It's alright?"
"Sweetheart, yes," Ilya said, eyes wide.
Shane ducked his head and laughed. Ilya had to kiss him then, even if it mussed their suits and left Shane’s mouth wet and shiny. He had to kiss him because what Ilya really wanted was to drag Shane back to bed, peel back each perfectly pressed layer of his tuxedo, to get his mouth on the bare skin he revealed until Shane was a crying, aching mess.
Yeah, Ilya is so totally fucked.
Except now, it’s been four hours of mixing and mingling and, tragically, not one of those hours has included keeping Shane tucked against his side. Tickets to the gala aren’t cheap, and Yuna’s reminder rings in Ilya’s ears. There will be a lot of money in the room tonight, Shane. If we work it right, we can get a few more donations before the night's over. He and Shane agree on a divide-and-conquer approach. For his part, Ilya is pretty successful. He’s just tucking a five-figure check into his pocket when he spots Shane seated at the bar, and oh, he’s laughing, really laughing, his eyes gone all crinkly. It makes Ilya’s stomach swoop. He can’t help but stare. If he saw Shane for the first time at this gala, he wouldn’t be able to resist going over to say hi, and can I get you a drink and are you here alone or did you bring a date? And Shane would shake his head and smile and say he came with a friend, not a date, and they would end the night making out in the coat-check closet.
Ilya’s fantasy is rudely interrupted when the crowd parts enough to see who Shane is talking to, and it’s not some crusty old donor like Ilya just suffered through for the last 20 minutes. No, it’s young, handsome, apparently hilarious Carter Vaughn. And look, Ilya has no issue with Carter. Likes him, even. But Ilya has spent all night watching Shane charm the crowd in his perfect suit, and that feels like pressing on an old bruise. And now Carter has Shane all to himself, all of Shane’s attention and energy focused on him. He’s the one making Shane laugh. He’s the reason Shane’s eyes are sparkling, looking so beautiful and so at ease. It’s too much. Ilya maybe wants to rip Carter’s head off.
The strength of Ilya’s gaze draws Shane’s attention. Their eyes lock, and of course he reads Ilya like one of his boring hockey books. Shane swallows hard. Before Ilya can stop himself, he’s stalking across the room. Four hours is more than enough mingling.
“Ilya! Good to see you, man,” Carter says as Ilya slips in behind Shane, sliding a firm hand over the back of his neck. He can feel Shane’s pulse jumping against his fingers.
“We’re glad you could make it.” Ilya smiles and nods and makes small talk, embodying the role of the perfect host. The whole time, his thumb rubs over the nape of Shane’s neck. It’s barely anything, but Shane’s skin is warm and soft and turning pink under his touch. It makes Ilya’s teeth ache to sink into the skin under his fingers.
Eventually, he comes up with a polite excuse to extract himself from the conversation, but not before bending to whisper in Shane’s ear, “Bathroom. Five minutes.” He doesn’t question that Shane will obey.
It takes only three minutes for Ilya to hear a quiet knock. He hauls Shane inside and quickly locks the door.
“Been driving me fucking crazy all night,” he growls, crowding Shane against the door.
“I know. I know, please,” Shane gasps, just as affected.
Ilya gets a tight grip on Shane’s chin and pulls him into a bruising kiss. Shane’s already going boneless against him.
“Are you going to fuck me?” Shane whimpers, rolling his hips up against Ilya’s hard cock.
Ilya’s ears are ringing. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you, sweetheart?” he says, his grip firm on Shane’s chin.
“Yes, oh please. I’m—I need it.” Shane’s eyes are wet and hazy. God, Ilya wants to wreck him.
“Put your arms up for me. Go on, above your head.”
The suit makes it awkward, but Shane follows orders. Ilya steps back and looks him over. Shane’s breath is coming quickly and his freckles are stark against the dark flush of his cheeks. He’s an arc of desire from the fists clenched above his head to the long line of his cock, hard and pulling his trousers tight across thick thighs. Without Ilya’s body to hold him up, his knees are starting to buckle. It’s obscene. It’s the most beautiful thing Ilya’s ever seen.
“Now,” Ilya says, moving in close as he speaks, “I am going to suck your dick.” Shane whimpers. Ilya ignores it. “You’ll be good and keep your hands above your head—yes, Shane, you will,” Ilya says when Shane frowns at the thought of not touching Ilya, as though he doesn’t realize that Ilya would be totally undone the minute Shane touched him. They’re so close now that Ilya’s lips brush Shane’s when he says, “And later tonight, when I can have you in our bed, then I will fuck you.” He punctuates the sentence with a firm hand pressed against Shane’s cock, just to feel it throb. “Does that sound good, Shane?”
“Ilya,” Shane whines. Ilya’s dick twitches at the sound.
“Let me help you, sweetheart.” Ilya grips Shane’s chin once more, moving it up and down in a nod, yes. “That’s my perfect boy.”
The sound of Shane’s zipper is loud against the quiet hum of the fluorescent lights. Ilya takes Shane into his mouth all at once. His fingers dig into Shane’s thighs as he works his mouth over Shane’s cock, messy and fast. Ilya’s so hard his stomach hurts, and Shane is gasping and moaning and arching against the door. This is going to be over quickly.
“Fuck, fuck, Ilya. So good, oh my god.”
Inspired, Ilya pulls off, wipes a hand across his mouth, and says, “He’s going to hear you, baby.”
“I–what?”
“Our friend, Carter Vaughn. You’re being so loud. He’s going to hear how bad you need it.”
“Ilya, holy shit,” Shane chokes out.
“Is that what you want? You want him to hear it?” Ilya starts to stroke Shane’s cock with a tight fist.
“Hnng, yes, uh—no, I mean—”
“C’mon, Shane. You can say it. Don’t you want him to know how good I make you feel?” Ilya’s voice is all sweetness. His fist picks up speed, and it’s probably too tight, too dry, but Shane’s hands are clenching and unclenching above his head and his throat is working around small ah, ah, ahs of pleasure. "Tell me, Shane."
“Uh-huh,” Shane breathes out, “Yeah, I want him to. Fuck, fuck, Ilya, I’m gonna come.”
“No,” Ilya says, squeezing the base of Shane’s cock. Shane groans and doubles over like he’s been punched, but his trembling arms stay high above his head. “Such a good boy,” Ilya says, standing and pulling Shane in for a kiss, filthy and wet and perfect. When he pulls back, he says, “The only way you’ll come is in my mouth. Ok?”
“Yeah, love your mouth. Love you,” Shane says dreamily, and Ilya has to kiss him again.
Shane shivers when Ilya pulls back this time, drops his head to nuzzle into Ilya's shoulder. Ilya's words are warm and close in his ear. “I know you want him to hear you, baby, but I don’t." His fingers loosen the knot of Shane’s bowtie as he talks. “You see, I don’t think he deserves it.” He slips the bowtie off Shane’s neck. “Only I get to know how pretty you sound when you come for me. Right, sweetheart?”
“S'right, yeah.” Shane is so far away now. Ilya's never felt more present.
Ilya lifts Shane's head and presses the bowtie against his lips. Shane's eyelids flutter at the cool silk on his hot mouth. “Open for me," Ilya says, soft and low. With gentle fingers, he tucks the bowtie inside.
“What do you say, Shane?”
“Thank you,” he manages, a thick mumble.
“You're welcome, sweetheart,” and Ilya drops to his knees.
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oh I'm ilya rozanov and I'm so tragic and I thought I'd die young wrapping my Porsche around a dunkin donuts drive thru but now I'm sucking the fingers of the most beautiful man on earth in his beautiful lakeside cottage while it rains outside.and I'm in it raw btw. KILL YOURSELF
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functionally suicidal character saying “I would die for you” to their significant other and its like. I get the sentiment, honey, but if a hot dog vendor told me he’d sell hot dogs for me, I wouldn’t feel very moved now would I
the way shane’s brand deals and ad campaigns made him much more recognizable to non-hockey fans, jeopardizing his ability to have much of a sex life apart from ilya, while also ensuring that ilya was taunted by images of him year-round…the way shane spent the my moon my man montage getting more famous and more awarded and more celebrated and, simultaneously, more and more ilya’s
In my mind Shane’s allergies are latex, peanuts, tree nuts, and mangoes. The mango allergy is pretty mild and he LOVES mangoes so he eats them anyway but Ilya hates that so when he’s away from Ilya for sponsorship-related trips he’ll go eat a bunch of mangoes alone in his hotel room and later when he FaceTimes Ilya he’s got a suspicious mouth rash. Ilya’s like what are you doing. That better not be a mango reaction, Shane. Tell me it’s anything else. Tell me the makeup artist didn’t wash the brushes right and now you have herpes but do NOT tell me you’ve been eating fucking mangoes behind my back AGAIN—
the idea of shane who denies himself SO MUCH and optimizes SO MUCH OF HIS LIFE and is SO focused and SO dedicated
but who cannot resist the siren call of Forbidden Mangoes
it ends up being his end of season treat
he did a whole season, he did a great job, he stayed focused and On It the whole year. other people celebrate with champagne. shane celebrates with an allergen.
shane who has one last photoshoot to knock out before he's free and is just oh no :) it conflicts with my husband's schedule :) guess that means ilya can't go with me :) so sad :)
why are you so happy
i'm not :)
then he does the photoshoot and has knocked out the last thing he has to do in front of a camera for a while.
now it is Mango Time.
he facetimes ilya with the lights down WAY low later and ilya just ?? shane??? i can barely see you, malysh. turn a light on.
uuuhh, no thanks. it's sexier like this.
what? i want to se-
...
shane is it the fucking mangoes
...no
SHANE
YOU GET TO SMOKE SOMETIMES. I GET TO EAT MANGOES.
ARE YOU FORGETTING PART WHERE ALLERGIES CAN GET WORSE WITH EXPOSURE?
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I know in my heart that shane is the type of person who would never bring up essential personal details until they are immediately relevant and then would also be so understated about them
he and ilya are hanging out in the yard and some bees are buzzing around because some watermelon juice spilled on the ground earlier and shane suggests they go inside or rinse the juice off the patio and ilya teases him about being scared of little bees and shane SO nonchalantly just, "no, but i am allergic and you don't know where my epipen is"
reblogging with my own tags because i'm also CACKLING imagining the implications of this not being specific to ilya, either. they're having a barbeque at hayden and jackie's house and hayden is good-naturedly encouraging shane to try a piece of coffee cake or something and ilya just goes, "no, bad for you"
and hayden IMMEDIATELY is on the defensive because what? you get to tell him what to eat now? where do you get o-
"no, bad for him because it has walnuts in it, pike. you want him to die? this is what you want?"
"what are you talking about?"
shane: "i'm allergic"
"??? since WHEN??"
"since always??"
"you've eaten over at my house HOW many times?? and never brought this up? the fuck, dude?"
yuna and david dialing IN to "if you don't freak out, they won't freak out" during shane's formative years to the unintended and unfortunate side effect of ending up in situations like bb!shane going *calm tug tug on david's shirt* "yeah buddy?" *big inhale that audibly wheezes as his throat starts swelling shut*
the idea of ilya on instagram accidentally pressing like while DEEP in allergy mommy blogging territory and natalie from That Allergy Mama DMing him to be like "hi, my husband wants me to tell you he says hi and that he's a big fan and also that call against you against san francisco was bullshit." "hello, husband of natalie. also do you have any suggestions for substituting peanuts in this recipe?"
shane at the other end of the couch after thirty minutes of ilya not looking up is just ??? who the FUCK are you texting down there??? and ilya still without looking up just, "many many sexy women who are crying because i am married now. they are very upset." as if his ass isn't diligently taking notes from a married mother of four on a good allergy-friendly pad thai recipe because shane mentioned in passing that it smelled good the last time ilya ordered some and now ilya wants to find out how to make some he can try.
he gets filmed for a what i eat in a day/day in the life type video and is so used to thinking about substitutes at this point that he doesn't even think about it when he mentions them in passing. they keep an allergy friendly household so the stuff he mentions is compliant, but it's paired with comments like, "and then i add some wowbutter, which is soybeans and not peanuts. we also sometimes have sunflower seed butter, but the texture for this is better with the wowbutter. i have also tried this, what is it called-shane: the gross paste with beans" *shane, offscreen from the living room*: "chickpea butter?" "yes, this." "it's nasty" "yes, not good. their jar says it is, but it is not. anyway-"
and it truly IS casual for him because this is just how he thinks now, but everyone else just ??? allergy friendly homemaker ilya rozanov??? since when??
A. the idea of ilya being lowkey stressed about shane surprising him and potentially being exposed to allergens is so fucking funny. ilya who ends up also keeping an allergy-friendly household PURELY because it's just less stressful that way. meanwhile the motherfucker WITH the allergies is SO fucking casual about it that it wouldn't even occur to him to ask ilya to do that.
B. when they're pushing the friendship cover, ilya gets nudge nudge jokes about trying to copy what hollander's doing, and he's not going to share information shane didn't greenlight to get out, so he just plays along. and now there's like. at least three other players lowkey accidentally following an allergy diet because they don't know it's an allergy diet. why do hollander and now rozanov not eat tree nuts? unclear, but they're also the best two players in the entire industry so it's worth a shot to copy them.
C. people being so afraid of ilya's wrath if shane has an allergic reaction to something at their house is KILLING ME. shane just fucking. STANDS near a plate of peanut butter cookies on the table in the backyard during a barbeque and four different people are immediately there shoving him away because they will NOT answer to rozanov about this. they will NOT die over cookies. who is the IDIOT who brought PEANUT BUTTER COOKI-
@lucky-santangelo ilya only getting five seconds of feeling smug and holier than thou before shane puts him on blast is KILLING me XD
@shanetism the idea of ilya finding out how many times he could have potentially killed shane over the years from not knowing this VERY IMPORTANT THING ABOUT HIM and shane's life flashing before HIS eyes is so funny. also the idea that shane was going to show him the fucking WELL at the cottage and just not mention the drawer his epipen is in and ilya being so ??!!! HOLLANDER ?!?! PRIORITIES ?!?!
shane groaning SO loud when ilya first breaks out the allergy cards because GOD ilya it's NOT that serious this is embarass-
oh? is this more or less embarassing than having allergic reaction in the middle of a restaurant and needing your epipen? hm? shut up and take the fucking shiny cards, hollander.
and riFUCKINGp to the restaurant that lied about not using peanut oil in their fryer as an angry, stressed ilya is stuck in a hospital lobby with wifi and a lot of energy that has nowhere to go until he's allowed to be back with his husband. you're DONE FOR.
also ilya being lowkey SO fucking frustrated at shane having allergies AND refusing to eat fast food, especially when they're on the road so often and ilya eats allergy-free when they're together. hollander, pick a struggle. you know what will not kill you? mcmuffin. she loves you. look at her allergen list. she is safe. this organic artisinal breakfast wrap from this tiny cafe cannot say the same. she does not love you like mcmuffin. she probably whores around with peanuts.
GOD the psychic damage ilya takes the day he finds out body products can have allergens in them. his body wash company is getting a SCATHING email about fucking around with their formula when there are PEOPLE with ALLERGIES who RELY ON-
and shane meanwhile is just, "i can take some meds and just be itchy for a little bit. it's seriously not a big deal." "you are covered in bumps! it could have been worse. they should have to give warnings if they are going to fuck around with things like this." "you seriously have to calm down. it's not going to stop me from play-" "shane i cannot overstate how much i need you to not talk about hockey to me right now."
shane growing up who always got, "oh, you poor thing" from well-intentioned adults as a kid and then, "damn, i could NEVER live like that" from same-age peers when older whenever he had to explain his allergies, and it was both annoying and also felt like failing at something when he had to decline a piece of birthday cake or a slice of pizza because it wasn't safe for him.
but if he frames it as a performance diet, then suddenly! admiration! he gets some teasing obviously, but there's also an air of "good for you, man" that lands a lot easier than pity.
this does, unfortunately, mean that he just develops a habit of just never saying ANYTHING when not directly asked lmao.
i feel like shane would reliably tell medical people because this is a Rule for medical settings so yes of course he'll go into detail
for everyone else though??? cackling about people who have known him for literally fifteen years finding out about potentially deadly allergies ONLY because ilya is fucking interrogating the waiter at the restaurant. shane of Before just would have probably declined going and used his diet as an excuse because he didn't want to have it be A Whole Thing. now he has a husband to "he said no pickles" his allergies on his behalf, so he's straight chilling. 🤣
Can we also talk about the Yuna and David of it all?
David spots them at the cottage and they go over, Shane's cottage is obviously allergen free and the shopping he did is all safe for him. Yuna and David know to cook safely, the chicken parm is all good and fine but they say "the croutons aren't safe for you, but you don't like those anyway" just in passing as a matter of habit and Ilya who JUST learned about bananas and latex and bees is like "oh wow! More allergies?? I need a list. Haha" and then they have the meal and the panic attack and they become boyfriends. Before they leave Yuna makes him a copy of her list of all the known allergens and Shane's common reactions to them, it's the first time he hugs her. He looks her in the eye and says "thank you for letting me take care of him. I will be careful."
It's a relief, to know he cares to try. But at the end of the day they JUST met this man. So they cross their fingers and try not to feel the same way they did every time Shane went to somebody's house for a birthday party or a sleepover.
And then they are over at the cottage some night and they decide to order in for dinner. Ilya takes everybody's orders and goes to the kitchen to call it in for them and it's taking *forever* so Yuna goes to see if he needs any help. She finds him sitting with two copies of the list, hers and one translated into Russian for his easy reference. He has the phone on speaker and says "thank you for checking the dressing ingredients, I know is weird request, but sometimes Caesar dressing is safe, sometimes not safe, but he likes it so much is worth checking. Yes, I'll hold again."
They've ordered from this place a dozen times, their recipe for Caesar dressing is safe, YUNA knows that, SHANE knows that, that's why he ordered it. But *Ilya* doesn't. So he's checking. Because Shane wants the dressing and Ilya want him *safe* and *happy*. And isn't that all a parent wants? For their kid to be with someone who is just as invested in their happiness and safety as they are? For somebody who will wait on hold while they check the fry oil and the dressing ingredients and whatever else?
Once Ilya has placed the order and hung up he gets surprised by a hug from behind, thin arms wrapped around him and perfume he's starting to recognize. He's bewildered, but when he asks gently "...Mrs. Hollander?" She just tells him to call her Yuna.
also cackling about the idea of ilya using the group chat with them to be mad about brands changing their ingredients so things that were SAFE are now NOT 😤 it started just as a "hey, those crackers aren't safe anymore" as a collective fyi thing, but it ends up being ilya just mad about safe things not being safe anymore
significantly shane remains SO unbothered about it all
also EXTREMELY funny to imagine ilya suddenly being strict about allergens in his house with svetlana, who has done body shots off of strangers with this motherfucker who is suddenly?? confiscating her granola bar??? ilya what the actual FUCK is happening right now??? "no peanuts inside anymore" "...what the fuCK ARE YOU TALKI-"
GOD shane who never really got the experience as a kid of getting to sleep over at someone's house and just Know there would be food for him to eat. he either had to bring his own or ask to read labels because he promised his parents he would, and then sometimes there just. wasn't an option.
and now he gets to go to his boyfriend's house and just know there'll be a cabinet of stuff that's safe for him. doesn't even have to worry about it. this is the Shane Cabinet, and it contains Shane Food. and when there's dinner?? that will also be Shane Food.
OH MY GOD, THOUGH. SHANE WHO IS SO USED TO SAFE FOODS AND DIET-ADHERENT THINGS THAT ARE BORING BUT WON'T KILL HIM THAT HE IS SURPRISED AND PLEASED BY FLAVOR IN A WAY THAT ABOUT GIVES ILYA A HEART ATTACK.
he takes a bite of food as ilya is putting things away and goes, "holy shit"
and ilya freezes and looks over and just "what"
"oh my GOD"
"what? what is happening?"
"ilya, FUCK"
"what? is reaction? there is something you are reacting to? you need-"
"what?"
"what is wrong? what's happening? you need epi-"
"oh, nothing's happening! it just tastes really good. :)"
*hand over his chest, heart pounding* "...H O L L A N D E R."
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