And also sometimes when I see other interesting stuff. Also I might have ADHD, so that's going to be a theme too. I play a lot of Baldur's Gate 3 at the moment, so be prepared for fanart (primarily of Gale).
the thing about being bullied for being weird as a kid is that even if you've always embraced being weird your brain is still always looking for the line where it's too much. you can be as proudly and intentionally weird as you want and you can love being weird but your mind is still convinced there's a point where you get too weird and people start treating you like a weird looking bug again. also it feels like you reach that point 500 times a day even if everyone you've spoken to today found you pleasant and likable and even if you're completely alone in your house with nobody looking at you at all.
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I am allowed to hold both the concepts of "my country is a nightmare for anyone who isn't rich and the world cup tourists will only see the good parts and that is by design" and "the world cup tourists coming away from this by genuinely falling in love with the good experiences they have here and how there is so much joy even for our weirdest most American shit" simultaneously.
Yes it's only the richest people with money to burn having a great time, yes our administration is still doing awful police state immigration shit to the visiting teams let alone the fans, yes this place is still a nightmare for everyone else
but there is still joy to be had and while that doesn't erase the bad, the bad does not erase the joy
The storm continues, but when there's a momentary break in the clouds we're allowed to bask in the sunlight
Transcript: Yesterday my cousin said that my rooster wasn't a real rooster. He said he's a Walmart rooster. *chicken noises* Does this not look like a real rooster to you? *chicken makes a sound again* Sure, he's small, but he has feelings.
Yeah I saw the lovecraftian horrors and didn’t succumb to madness. What- no I’m not a cultist, James. For Christ’s sake. What you’re forgetting my friend is that HP Lovecraft wasn’t a flexible man. His brain simply wasn’t stretchy enough to take it all in. I however, have short term memory issues. Flexibility is the name of the game when you can’t remember if you ate lunch or not. What’s the size of the universe? Big. You knew that already, James. Come on now. You don’t need to witness the terrifying ocean at the base of the entirety of reality itself to know that. Pass the brandy.
During a Eldritch Horrors based tabletop RPG my character was a young dandy who wasn't particularly interested in all this monster mystery stuff but his father (my brother's character) was a researcher who WAS very into it, so Bertie went along to make sure the old man didn't get into too much trouble. It was your average Eldritch Horrors RPG in that you don't make your characters with the expectation that they will survive for very long, both the game itself and the genre are very intent on turning your characters inside out, driving them insane, and blowing them up in no particular order.
The thing was, everything in this nightmare hellscape just seemed to keep coming up Bertie because the man was too stupid to realize what genre he was in. Every time he had to roll for a sanity check whenever he saw something crazy, the dice treated him so well that he just... didn't get it. Gee that sure is a funny costume. There's something wrong with that dog. These mean guys in stupid hats are trying to hurt that young lady, we can't have that! I had not built him this way, his intelligence stats weren't even that bad, random chance just made it so that this man was living a scooby doo adventure while everyone else was being consumed by The Horrors.
The final straw was at the end of an adventure when Bertie escaped from the cultist headquarters by breaking out through the mansion's front window on a motorcycle with a hot rescued sacrificial maiden clinging to his back and leading the cultists on a merry chase through the hedge maze while the other adventurers escaped. His sanity score? HIGHER than when the adventure had begun. He had found the whole experience quite thrilling and felt very good about life in general!
Bertie retired from adventuring to marry the maiden he rescued and care for his aging father and delight and bemuse his friends at the gentleman's club with stories of his 'wacky' adventures. I didn't want to risk breaking his ridiculous lucky streak.
“Bertie, you’re talking nonsense. Again. Still, you’re married, so the details don’t matter. No, I don’t care, no one cares, don’t ruin dinner by trying to explain. There’s a good boy.”
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My spouse and I were talking last night and the jeans problem came up so I want to talk about it with tumblr here.
The jeans problem was the favorite lecture one of my philosophy professors in college gave about the history of jeans and how it ties into capitalism/mainstream culture absorbing and monetizing any counterculture it encounters. So prior to the 1950s jeans were mostly an item of work-wear that you wore on the job as a farmer or factory worker or miner because they were cheap, durable, and hard-wearing. If you were off the job you'd wear what we'd call now dress pants or slacks. This changes in the 1950s when youth culture start wearing jeans as regular clothing, again because they're cheap, durable, and hard-wearing. But then jeans get absorbed by the culture and we start getting designer jeans, acid-washed jeans, pre-ripped jeans, and now we got people shelling out hundreds of dollars for "povertycore" aesthetic. And now jeans aren't even cheap, durable, and hard-wearing.
This came up because my spouse was talking about thrifting and spooky things (two of her favorite things) and how there was this trend of buying a landscape painting from a thrift store which was probably going to end up in a garbage dump and painting a sheet ghost on it to make it art millennials would like. But now you can go to Michael's or Home Goods or wherever and just buy a landscape painting with a sheet ghost on it, mass-manufactured by a corporation. The counter-culture once again being monetized and absorbed by the culture. It's the jeans problem again.
let’s talk about how they made it impossible to function without a phone and digitalised everything and then turned around and went “actually! these phone things aren’t safe for kids but it’s magically ok once you’re eighteen. guess you’ll have to have your life dictated by your parents now lol cause we’re gonna take the devices away from you. IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING”
ok my apologies. take away my ability to buy anything too ig because these fuckass stores don’t accept cash anymore. take away my ability to communicate with people outside my house and school because I can’t text and I can’t email and I cant drive to them either and I can’t even fucking get public transport without a phone either. can’t order at a fucking restaurant without being asked to get a membership and install an app and also very sorry but you can only order through our online menu now! have you ever considered that it’s not just about instagram?
you solve the mystery of what to have for dinner one night and you think "hell yeah case closed forever" WRONG there is a dinner mystery the next night too
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The old school lack of transparency on tumblr is amazing because you assume the people you follow must all be equivalent to you and then you see someone write “I brought my youngest to college today” and someone else write “my mom wouldn’t let me listen to Ariana Grande when I was a kid” and then your head explodes
honestly one of the best things we can do for ourselves is realize that people of different ages than us can still be the same kind of person as us. it's humbling and it gives everyone involved a sense of continuity, and it busts those stupid generational stereotypes media is so fond of.
when I was younger an older person in fandom once told me something to the tune of "you might have less life experience and that'll matter sometimes, but just because you're younger doesn't mean you can't know more than me about star trek" and that stuck with me.
every time I catch myself thinking "well they're younger so they probably don't know as much about X" I stop myself because if you spend five years learning a subject, you have five years worth of learning it, whether you started learning it at fifteen or thirty. expertise crops up in all sorts of places and so do shared interests.
Something that I cannot help but admire about Gortash is his loyalty to Durge.
And with 'loyalty' I mean the fact that he is not only willing to continue their partnership from where they left off (after Orin betrayed Durge), but that he is also willing to overlook the mess the Dark Urge is when they meet once again.
What do I mean with mess? The memory issues, the constant fainting, the struggle to keep their own body in control.
By now everyone knows that the Dark Urge suffers from amnesia, but nobody ever seems to talk about Durge's other, numerous, issues.
First and foremost, yes, Durge does suffer from amnesia. They have no recollection of their past because Bhaal madr sure that they can't remember a thing. Sure, Orin helped with that, but it's still mostlx Bhaal who is keeping Durge from remembering anything.
But there ia another memory related issue Durge is suffering from, that isn't just not remembering their previous life. It's the fact that they keep losing memories.
Durge can straight out tell Ethel this:
"I lost all of my past memory, and worse: I keep losing new parts of it."
And they can mention this to Halsin as well:
"Black outs, fainting spells. I'm losing new memories every day..."
It pisses me off beyond measure that none of the companions ever acknowledge it.
There is also the fact that Durge just seems to lose consciousness now and again and nobody cares!
"Black outs, fainting spells..."
And the scene in act 3 when you enter Wyrmsrock, Durge passes out and has their little dream sequence with Orin, and then wakes up again. The only one to make a comment about that is Jaheira.
And that's not even it. Durge also hallucinates and sleepwalks and it's, once again, just completely ignored outside from a few dialogue choices.
"Sleepwalking... hallucinating creatures... the temptations... I could lose myself before I make it to a cure."
And Raphael points it out as well:
"This is no night you can sleepwalk through, somnambulist, you must be wide, wide, awake to survive."
Aside from Durge sleepwalking, they seem to have problems falling asleep to begin with:
"The Urges are calling on you again, aren't they? I haven't seen you sleep through the night once in the past days."
The Dark Urge also seems to have trouble concentraiting/focusing on the presence:
"Where am I? What's going on?"
This fits nicely with the black outs Durge can mention to Halsin. I fon't know if they sre dissociating, but I wouldn't put it past them.
Furthermore, Durge is in almost constant pain:
"I have such a headache."
And this one:
"My mind is full of holes and some of them are still being punched."
As for Durge being unable to properly control their own body:
"You look rabid, pained, sick. You're spasming and twitching..."
And this seems to be quite obvious for everyone, given that Minthara also recognices it:
"...when you're so clearly broken. Beautiful, but broken."
So it isn't a secret.
Aside from all the things I already mentioned, I also wanna add that Durge displays self-harming and self-loathing tendencies:
Astarion: "So. What happens next?"
Durge: "We whip each other within an inch of our lives."
There is also this narrator line when facing Bhaal in act 3:
"For a moment the brine-pool of your brain clears. To die: to rest, to save the world from yourself..."
And this one:
"Better to die than live on an earth walked by you. Each of your deaths is a mercy."
The Dark Urge also constantly refers to themselves as 'broken':
"In another lifetime, you were greeted in this throne room like a God, not the living wreck you are now."
Or this:
"Oh, don't mind me. My brain is all but mincemeat - I'm harmless now!"
Anyway, Durge is an utter mess and according to Omeluum, their brain shouldn't even be fuctioning and they should be dead,
And I can't help but respect Gortash for still wanting to ally with them.
Gortash knew Durge in their prime, they were allies when Durge had earned the respect of (almost) every member of their cult, of Gnolls and even of an Elder Brain. That is something almost no mortal has ever achieved before. Elfer Brains are highly intelligent, complex and cruel beings. They are capable of working out more than one highly efficient scheme at the same time, they have a better grasp at reality and their power is often incomprehensible to mortals. And the Dark Urge was so respected by one of them that said brain would have followed their plan without the intention of treachery. Not only were they respected, they were admired.
"You brought the Crown to me, Bhaalspawn, thinking the army I amassed with it would become yours. Your plan was devious, your cruelty unparalleled. I would have followed it, were your mind not destroyed by your sister."
And this:
"I respected Bhaal's child once, but not you, Gortash."
And also this:
"Gave- ---us- -EVERYTHING--- ---disappeared--"
The Absolute also calls Durge 'Tyrant' and 'Kingmaker', which should be a title given to Gortash because he is Bane's chosen. But the Absolute isn't the only one who respects them.
Gortash obviously does it and has no quarrel admitting it. But there is also this:
"You were the jewelled hope for their design, but now you are their flaw."
At first I thought 'they' referred to Gortash and Ketheric, but the wording threw me off. Because the 'design' was also Durge's, so if it would refer to the chosen three the wording would have to be more like 'to your design', due to the fact that Ketheric and Orin only joined later and didn't really plan anything. They just joinrd when most of the details were already planned out, which is why I believe that 'they' actually refers to Bhaal, Bane and Myrkul.
Bhaal, despite being a horrible man, clearly knows that Durge is still dangerous and still useful. Even in their broken state they can defy gods, lead a whole party with people who have their own issues, and claw their way back to Baldur's Gate. This is even mor eimpressive if we consider the constant nausea, pain, fainting etc. They are not weak, they are powerful and they do get shit done. Bhaal, even if he would never openly admit it, does recognize that his child is durable and cunning, and he can even, indirectly, acknowledge it.
Bhaal is all about self-control, killing those stronger than you and in so doing proving that you are superior, patience and, obviously, death.
If the Dark Urge wins the duel against Orin and defy him, Bhaal kills them.
BUT.
He doesn't enslave them or rends their mind asunder. He could still do it. There is nothing keeping him from doing to Durge what he does to them when they lose the duel. Why? Because despite their disobedience they did prove themselves worthy by not only managing to drag themselves all the way back to his temple while being an utter mess, but also by killing Ketheric, an avatar of Myrkul, Orin and (maybe) Gortash and an avatar of Bane. By surviving all of what happened while being clearly weakened, Durge did prove that they have not forgotten how to survive. They are still dangerous.
And say what you want about Bhaal, but killing Durge instead of making a slave out of them (which he still could have done) very much does say that he recognizes that. Durge showed that they can still control themselves, and Bhaal, while being utterly cruel and mad himself, may yet has seen a sliver of reason and acknowledged that his dogma/doctrin had been fulfilled/respected by Durge.
If Durge loses the duel they prove themselves to weak, a disappointment, which Bhaal straight out says. By killing Orin they proved their worth, even if they deny him.
As for Bane respecting Durge:
"My master admires you, as I always have. For the slaughter you bring, and for the Netherstones you bear."
One could argue that Gortash is lying here, but I don't believe that. Bane and Durge are eerily similar to begin with: The infancide, the ego, the reckless pursue of mass-slaughter, the loss of self-control, the absolute lack of elegance. Really. Durge would make a great Banite. But even aside from this we do know that Bane also admires Bhaal, even if he would never say that out loud. And I will take a guess and say it's for the same reason Gortash admires Durge:
"I always preferred your methods to hers. You have mastery over your Urges, Orin was consumed by her gruesome obsessions."
It's a pity that the Dark Urge doesn't get any unique dialogue options with Bane.
Anyway, Bhaal, like Durge, does suffer from violent urges as well. Bane, undoubtly, knows that. Yet he also recognizes that Bhaal is in control of himself most of the time. If Bane clearly respects Bhaal for it, he will respect Durge for it as well. There is also the fact that Bhaal served Bane as personal assassin and that Gortash calls Durge 'my favorite assassin, and that Bhaal is Bane's oldest ally/friend/frenemy (his nearest and dearest, so to say (no idea what exactly those two have going on, but given their past and how Bhaal despises Gortash, I will say that they had something going on (I am a self-indulgent idiot))).
As for the 'now you are their flaw' part: The Dark Urge is running around throwing everything into disarray, despite barely functioning. So yeah, they are as durable as a cockroach.
And Gortash, who knew the Dark Urge when they were an utter menance, a scheming mastermind with remarkable self-control, someone who had earned the respect and admiration of an Elder Brain, various cults and of Bane, looks at this absolute broken, hyperventilating mess they are in act 3, and wastes not even a single second trying to be close to them one again.
Yeah.
I never really was into Durgetash, but I am getting it now. That man still considers zhem his equal, despite Durge blacking out and whatnot. Even if they deny Bhaal Gortash is still waving his 'Welcome home' flag around and grinning like an absolute idiot.
Gortash is ready to work together with a barely functioning and completely mentally fucked up Durge again because he respect and admires them. Maybe even cares for them on a deeper level.
...
Which also reminds me of Bhaal and Bane, I am sorry to say.
In 2e Bhaal is listed as serving Bane. We don't really know how that happened, but I believe it happened after the Moonshae Triology.
At the end of the triology Bhaal was thrown from Greater Deity status down to lesser. That's already bad enough, especially if you happen to reside on the lower planes and every one of your neighbors will try to enslave or kill a weakened deity. So... Bhaal really had quite a problem here. And there is also the fact that even if we ignore his massive loss of power, he was almost completely defensless. Here:
"... pulling his tortured and writhing form through the ether."
"Here he lay in broken despair, scorned by other gods of evil who now far superseded him in might and influence,..."
"Motionless, Bhaal knew only suffering."
"Thus he would lie for generations, as a forgotten god and a distant relic of the human past."
He was in agony, utterly defensless, and would have quickly become subject to the whims of another god. He could have been killed with ease by other deities, or even just enslaves or subdued. He was incapable of pulling himself back together and a god that is in such a state in the lower planes usually never survives for long.
But he wasn't killed or enslaved.
Bhaal would never start serving Bane if he didn't had to. We could argue that Bane enslaved Bhaal, but this seems unlikely:
"In life, he commanded Bhaal and Iyachtu Xvim, his son, though Xvim performed his designated tasks only reluctantly, as he held no love for his father. Loviatar and Talona served Bane indirectly by serving Bhaal."
It's specifically pointed out that Xvim hated serving Bane, yet there is no mention, anywhere, of Bhaal loathing it. Let's be clear here: I don't think he was thrilled, but he did owe him. And Bane seems to have given Bhaal quite a bit of freedom as well.
Though I also could interpret into the 'as he helf no love for his father' part. Could be a coincidence, could also be that Bhaal did have some kind affection for Bane and now, after the Time of Troubles, sees Durge repeating his mistake.
Tiamat, Hruggek and the gods that serve Bane are specifically mentioned to only save Bane out of fear. Bhaal isn't.
Those two have a long history and Bhaal has put up with Bane's bullshit longer than anyone else (and Bane with Bhaal's). They respect and admire eachother.
And it is reflected in Gortash and Durge as well.
The mutual admiration and respect, the knowledge that they will have to turn against the other at some point.
Gortash and Bane ignore the vulnerable state Durge and Bhaal are in and keep them around, even if it goes against their own doctrine. Bhaal and Durge are the perfect equals of them, so far that both stay their hand and don't kill them even if they know that they should.
The parallels are there and it is not like Durge and Gortash are the only bhaalist and banite duo that works well together AND display affection for one another.
Tamoko (Sarevok's first and only real lover) wears Banite armour.
Then there are Polandulus and Clotilda.
And now Durge and Gortash.
This seems to be a reoccuring theme
Welp. Gortash and Durge are fascinating to me and I admit that I ignored that pairing for far too long.
To every Durgetash fan: I apologize for side-eyeing you for the first two years. You had the right idea all along.
Also, everyone who ships Durge and Gortash should do the same to Bhaal and Bane. It just fits and makes everything more dramatic
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The reason I’m doing this in the first place is that a lot of evil karma options in fallout 3 are just inconvenient. Like I could go out of my way to blow up a city or I could not blow up a city and get a much more convenient free house and keep access to their merchants.
So in order to keep getting the full evil karma experience, every time I do something convenient or utilitarian that raises my karma I go back to Moriarty’s Saloon and just open his terminal over and over again.
Thus, my good boy points are eliminated through repeated computer touching and the regulators here are hunting me down for looking at Moriarty’s personal data a hundred times in a row.
What’s really funny about lowering your karma this way is that after you do a major good Karma action and listen to the radio, the radio DJ Three Dog will be like this horrible fucker from vault 101 we all hate him so much you know that guy? He did another fucking thing. He saved a thousand orphans.
